Arthur: Don't look so worried Harry. Molly will only be angry at me if she finds out that Fred and George were gambling.
Harry: Are you in no way concerned that your Satanic daughter thinks this year will be a good one?
Arthur: Ginny wasn't born in Mexico.
Harry: I don't know why I talk to you about this stuff. Maybe one of the responsible adults in this group will understand my concerns. Like Bill or Percy.
Charlie: What about me?
Harry: Since when is fucking a dragon responsible?
Ginny: Don't count on them helping you. They know what's good for them, and know not to talk about anything I do.
Harry: God damn it.
George: Don't look so down Harry. Ireland just won the World Cup.
Fred: And I just won my first bet ever.
Hermione: You know that's all leprechaun gold, right?
Fred: What makes you say that?
Hermione: *pointing at the writing on the bag* Property of Patrick O'Sullivan.
George: Probably just something a buddy of his gave him.
Hermione: Fine, don't believe me, but I'm telling you it's fake.
Fred: Oh yeah? I bet you that it's real.
Hermione: …okay.
George: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!
Fred: Don't worry, I've got a good feeling about this.
George: That's what I'm afraid of.
Arthur: Alright, everyone off to bed.
Ron: But we're not tired.
Arthur: You're right, we need to stay up and party until we are tired *hears an explosion outside* See, everyone else is.
Percy: Why are people screaming?
Arthur: They're excited about the game *another explosion* Maybe it's fireworks?
Bill: Why does it look like a hellscape outside?
Arthur: …overly excited Irish fans?
Ginny: Those are terror screams. Trust me on this.
Arthur: Look, things aren't as bad as they seem…
Harry: Why are they wearing masks?
Arthur: …we might be in a little more trouble than I thought.
Percy: Dad, those are Death Eaters.
Arthur: Don't be silly Percy. Cannibalism is illegal.
Harry: Alright, enough of this stupidity. Who's in favour of running away?
Hermione: Oh, what's the worst that could happen?
Percy: Those guys are magical Nazis who hate people with non-magical parents.
Hermione: …I second Harry's running away idea.
Ginny: I vote to stay and see how this plays out.
Arthur: Fred, George, protect your little sister. Get her as far away from here as possible.
Ginny: What? *gets picked up by Fred* NO! Please, no, I don't want to go. Put me down. PUT ME DOWN! If you don't put me down right now, I'll start revealing Endgame spoilers.
Fred: Yeah, I'm sure our readers will be real thrilled with that.
George: To be fair, everyone knew he was gonna die. Not necessarily the how, but they knew it was coming.
Ron: Come on Harry, let's go into some dark corner of the forest where no-one can find us.
Harry: To hide from the Death Eaters, right?
Ron: We can do that too. Come on *drags Harry into the forest*
Hermione: HEY! Wait up.
Ron: Fine, I guess you can watch.
Draco: Aww, are you three running from the little bit of fun happening in the campground?
Harry: Shut up Malfoy. We all know your dad's probably one of the ones doing it. Besides, you're hiding in the trees too.
Draco: I'm only here so I can find mudbloods to tell the Death Eaters about.
Hermione: Hey Malfoy, how's your nose?
Draco: …okay?
Hermione: I can fix that for you.
Draco: …move along.
Harry: Damn right we can *flips Draco off as he leaves* Wow, it's dark here. Luckily we have wands to… *checks himself* Um, guys? I've lost my wand.
Ron: I've found it.
Harry: My MAGIC wand, Ron.
Ron: This wand is magical to me, Harry.
Harry: And sexual assault for me.
Hermione: LUMOS! *the area around them lights up*
Ron: Hey, you're using magic outside Hogwarts.
Hermione: So?
Ron: That's against the rules, isn't it?
Hermione: Screw the rules, there are homicidal maniacs nearby.
Harry: Hey, what's that?
Winky: *coming out of a bush, seemingly being dragged by something or someone* Winky wants to be away from the ones attacking the muggles. Please, come with Winky to safety *Winky disappears out of the clearing without even looking at the three of them*
Harry: Umm…was she talking to us, or…
Hermione: She said she was getting away from the Death Eaters. That should be good enough for us.
Ron: I don't know, can you really trust Crouch? I mean, everyone knows about his son.
Harry: We don't, nor do we care. If things go sideways, start punching.
Hermione: What makes you think that will work?
Harry: Because Voldemort tried to kill me with magic when he could have just as easily thrown me out the window. Honestly, I think the Death Eaters can't fathom doing anything without magic, so physical violence will confuse them.
Hermione: Anyway, what was with the way she was moving?
Ron: Didn't ask permission to hide?
Hermione: When they're in danger?
Ron: Them's the rules.
Hermione: What kind of stupid rule is "you're not allowed to protect yourself when in danger?"
Harry: One that I suspect will lead to a plotline they skipped in the movies.
Ron: So, are we following the house-elf, or…
Harry: Yeah, sure, see if that advances the plot or not *heading through the trees* Winky? Where are you Winky? *sees a figure through the trees* Is that you *approaches, sees they're too big to be Winky* Oops, my mista…
?: MORSMORDRE! *green flash erupts from the wand*
Harry: Wha… *falls over*
Ron: Well, that was a thing.
Hermione: Guys…*points at the sky* What the fuck is that?
Harry: That would be a skull with a snake coming out of it. Not sure why someone would bother making tha… *suddenly, the clearing is full of ministry* …well, hello there…
All the ministry people: STUPIFY!
Hermione: GET DOWN! *drags the other two down as the spell is fired, causing most of the Ministry guys to hit each other* What the hell?
Arthur: Oh, ah, please don't fire, it's just my son and his friends *sees his wand is still smoking after firing the spell, and quickly hides it*
Harry: Seriously though, what the hell was that about?
Crouch: Which of you cast it?
Harry: I…
Crouch: HE ADMITTED IT! ARREST HIM!
Harry: …don't have my wand right now.
Crouch: …ARREST HIM FOR TRYING TO COVER FOR THE REAL CULPRIT!
Hermione: Sir, we…
Crouch: SHE ADMITTED IT WAS ALL THREE OF THEM!
Harry: You seem very arrest happy. Like you want to push the blame to someone else, no matter what.
Crouch: WHAT?! How dare you accuse me of that. I can accuse other people if I want. Maybe it was that guy *points at Arthur*
Arthur: Shit, he's onto me *dives into a nearby bush*
Harry: To be fair, he'll believe anything you say about him, no matter how ludicrous.
Arthur: No I don't.
Harry: You're Michael Jackson.
Arthur: But Billie Jean is not my lover. Beat It, since you'll be defeated when you get hit by, you get struck by a Smooth Criminal.
Crouch: Well, if you three didn't do it, who did?
Harry: There was a guy over there who did it.
Arthur: Hey, maybe one of our spells hit them *goes over to check for a body*
Hermione: I seriously doubt…
Arthur: I found someone.
Hermione: Are you fucking kidding me? Surely they could have just Apparate out of here?
Harry: By the way, how do you explain that? And portkeys?
Hermione: Harry, I think we have more important things to worry about right now.
Arthur: Here they are sir *dumps Winky in front of them*
Ron: Good work dad.
Harry: That's not who it was. The one who did it was definitely human, and had a much deeper voice.
Ron: Look, she's holding a wand.
Harry: Oh, for fuck's sake…hey, that's my wand.
Ron: ARREST THIS BITCH!
Harry: Ron, you saw who cast the spell. You know it couldn't have been Winky.
Ron: I know. But she's touching your wand. That's MY property.
Harry: Just…no.
Bagman: *appearing on the scene* The fuck's going on here? *sees the Dark Mark* Oh…that's not good…
Harry: What the fuck even is that?
Amos: *waking up from being Stupified* Honestly child, you of all people should know that.
Harry: I take it it's Voldemort related? *a distance crack of lightning is heard* Huh…weird.
Amos: Child, that is the Dark Mark, You-Know-Who's symbol.
Harry: Huh…and someone designed a spell for the sole purpose of putting that in the sky? Does it…does it do anything? Like, at all?
Arthur: It looks scary.
Harry: So…it does nothing then?
Ron: You know this means You-Know-Who's coming back, right? And he'll want revenge on the one who nearly killed him.
Harry: It's not my fault he doesn't know how to dash a baby's brains against the sidewalk.
Ron: Don't worry, I'll protect you.
Harry: Excellent. You can be my meat shield while I run away.
Crouch: Are we all forgetting that my house elf summoned the Dark Mark?
Harry: She didn't, but go on.
Crouch: WINKY! Wake the fuck up.
Winky: *waking up* Winky didn't do it.
Arthur: Oh, well, if that's the case, sorry for bothering you sir.
Winky: Did you just assume my gender?
Crouch: Winky, we know you cast the Dark Mark. You were found at the scene of the crime, holding a wand, and we have witnesses.
Harry: To someone ELSE doing it.
Amos: For God's sake, put that child's wand in my hand…
Harry: PHRASING!
Ron: Plus, that wand is only allowed to be in MY hand.
Amos: Listen, I can find out what the last thing to come out of that wand was…
Harry: Oh my God.
Amos: Just let me play with that child's thing.
Harry: Are you related to McFondles? I swear, you're doing this on purpose.
Amos: *receiving Harry's wand* Hmm, his wood is thicker than I thought.
Harry: Oh, come on. What would your son think if he heard you saying these things?
Amos: Who cares? He missed the game because he was auditioning to be in some superhero movie.
Harry: Wow, he's gonna be in the MCU?
Amos: Nope, he's going to be in the train wreck one. But enough banter, time to make our wands touch.
Harry: Just…whatever.
Amos: PRIOR INCANTATO! *a serpent comes out of the wand* Deletrius *The serpent disappears*
Crouch: Winky *rips off his pants* YOU'RE FIRED!
Harry: And on that note, let's leave.