Bill: So…does this mean he's back?
Arthur: Nah, probably just some punk teenagers have a laugh.
Percy: By summoning the symbol of the Dark Lord?
Arthur: Oh, all kids have their silly phases. Why, my boy Charlie had one where he would jerk off to Godzilla movies.
Charlie: It's not a phase dad, it's who I really am.
Arthur: Besides, they even found several kids at the scene of the crime, and one of their wands had been used to cast the spell. Case solved.
Harry: HEY! That was MY wand that someone ELSE used.
Percy: HARRY! How could you? After what He did to your parents.
Harry: Exactly. How could I? Until today, I didn't even know there WAS a spell for the sheer purpose of looking creepy. Seriously, who the fuck decided we needed a spell like that?
Ginny: Voldemort, obviously *a thunder strike is heard nearby*
Hermione: Huh, not a cloud in the sky.
Arthur: Well, we better all get some sleep before we head home.
Ron: But we're not tir…
Harry: NO! Don't say that. Remember what happened last time?
George: Speaking of which, Fred, do you want to go check on our gold?
Fred: Like I said, I have a good feeling about this…
Arthur: *pulling out his wand* Alright, to sleep everyone. Adsomnum materfututorum *everyone falls to the ground where they were standing*
*later, when they woke up*
Harry: *waking up and seeing Ron and Ginny, still asleep, arm wrestling over his dick* Yeah, that seems about right.
Arthur: Alright, everyone wake up. We're going home now.
Harry: Um, sir? You magically forced everyone to go to sleep. I don't know when any of them are going to wake up.
Arthur: You leave that to me *pulling out his wand* Wingardium Leviosa *everyone else in the tent is suddenly floating*
Harry: HEY! Put me down. I'm not asleep.
Arthur: But you're easier to carry this way.
Harry: I can walk.
Arthur: Shh, it'll be cheaper to get everyone back if I pretend it's just me.
Harry: What do you… *suddenly flying thousands feet in the air with the others* WHAT THE FUCK?!
*back on the ground*
Arthur: One to go back Basil.
Basil: Weren't there ten of you last time? Also, the Diggorys are going back the same way. Also, why is your wand pointing straight up?
Arthur: Why are you looking at my boner?
Basil: …You know what? I don't care anymore. Just go *hands Arthur a portkey*
Arthur: Excellent *takes portkey, and immediately drops all the others from the sky*
Basil: What the fu… *Arthur vanishes with the kids* …I don't get paid enough for this shit.
*at The Burrow*
Arthur: Now, remember everyone, don't wake your mother. She doesn't know we were gone.
Bill: When the fuck did we get home?
Arthur: That's the spirit *opens door*
Molly: Oh thank God.
Arthur: SHIT, SHE SPOTTED US! RUN! *dives out of a nearby window*
Harry: You're just gonna let him do that?
Molly: He'll forget why he was doing it soon. I'm just grateful all of you are okay, after what I saw in the Daily Prophet *holds up article*
Percy: Mum, this article was written by Rita Skeeter. The Karkrashians have a better grip on world news than she does.
Molly: Fake reporter or not, that's the fucking Dark Mark.
Harry: Oh, wow, the super scary thing in the sky that does NOTHING!
Molly: See? Poor Harry's terrified of it.
Harry: Oh, come on Mrs. Weasley, I have more respect for you than this. Don't become your husband.
Arthur: Well, I better get to work.
Hermione: It's four thirty in the morning.
Arthur: But if I leave now, I'll beat the traffic.
Molly: What traffic? You can apparate.
Arthur: OH NO, SHEs STILL HERE! *apparates away*
Molly: So, what happened out there?
Ron: Why are you looking specifically at us?
Hermione: Because it's always us. Name one time when it isn't us.
Harry: Look, the short answer is, someone stole my wand, cast the apparently evil Dark Mark, and left Winky to take the fall.
Molly: Oh no, that's awful…wait, who's Winky?
Fred: Crouch's house elf.
Percy: FORMER house elf.
George: Actually, the events Harry was describing were while Winky was still employed, therefore what Fred said was correct.
Percy: I… *thinks about it* You know, if you put that much thought into your OWLs you might have earned a few more.
Fred: We're businessmen. We don't need to be smart for that.
Molly: Name one businessman who isn't smart.
George: Donald Drumpf? Let's face it, he went bankrupt several times in the 90s, he's probably bankrupt right now.
Charlie: They're not wrong.
Molly: BUT THEY SHOULD BE!
Harry: Hey, uh, has Hedwig arrived with a letter for me?
Molly: Why no, she hasn't. Why, are you expecting one? And from who? *everyone stares at him expectantly*
Ginny: Twenty Galleons says it's from Sirius Black.
Fred: You're on.
George: Why would Harry write to him? He's a serial killer.
Ginny: Because he seems like such a nice guy, especially since he didn't kill Harry despite having the opportunity to.
Harry: Well, I'm gonna go lie down.
Ron: I'm coming too.
Harry: Why do I get the feeling you just announced your intentions?
Hermione: I'll go with you too.
Harry: Well, that'll offset part of the problem.
*in Ron's room*
Hermione: So, did you write to Sirius?
Harry: Yeah, I just wanted to let him know I would be here instead of the Dursley's.
Hermione: Oh, that's fair enough.
Harry: And that my scar was hurting the other day.
Hermione: Oh…that's less good.
Ron: What's the problem? It's a scar. It's meant to hurt.
Harry: Considering that the last time it did I was in the presence of Voldemort *distant thunder crack* Okay, that's just getting ominous.
Hermione: Harry, you need to talk to someone like Dumbledore about this.
Harry: I don't…
Hermione: As Headmaster of a school for advanced science, he probably has some experience with injuries caused from such rare weaponry and might know how to treat it.
Harry: Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're not thinking of the same person.
Hermione: What actually happened?
Harry: Well, I was having a dream…
Hermione: Oh, well then it's probably nothing.
Ron: Don't worry Harry, if your scars hurting, I'll be right here to kiss it better.
Harry: NO! I want it to feel BETTER, not worse. Anyway, Voldemort *distant thunder crack* and Pettigrew were planning to kill someone, probably me. And let's not forget what Trelawney said last year.
Hermione: Yeah, this threat's definitely just in your head.
*a few days later*
Arthur: Honey, I'm home.
Molly: You're not scared of me right now?
Arthur: Should I be?
Molly: Well, you've been at work for the last three and a half days.
Arthur: Oh, just sorting out some insurance claims from the World Cup.
Molly: Isn't that the insurance company's job, not the Ministry's?
Arthur: …okay, nobody tell Fudge that I paid out Mundungus Fletcher's twelve story tent with a jacuzzi.
Percy: Dad, his "tent" was a cloak on a couple of sticks.
Arthur: …DEFINITELY nobody tell Fudge about that then.
Harry: How well are you guys going in smoothing this whole thing over?
Arthur: I think it's going pretty well.
Percy: And by that he means Rita Skeeter is having a field day.
Harry: Seriously, who is she? And why do I get the feeling I'm going to hate her once I hear the answer?
Fred: She writes gossip pieces.
George: And pretends that reporting anything involving celebrities is journalism.
Harry: Yep, knew I'd hate her.
Percy: At least she doesn't know about Crouch's house elf.
Hermione: You mean the one that was unfairly fired after Crouch exposed himself in front of us?
Harry: Hermione, please don't make this a plot point. There's a reason it was cut from the movies.
Ron: *coming downstairs* MUM! You gave me one of Ginny's dresses.
Molly: Ron, those are your dress robes. You need them this year for…something I've been told not to tell you about.
Percy: And it better stay that way.
Harry: They look like the ragged old clothes you put on a scarecrow.
Molly: Well, I suppose they are a little old.
Harry: How old?
Molly: …thirty-ish.
Hermione: They're only thirty years old?
Molly: Goodness no, I meant they were made in the thirties.
Harry: Good, he can be mocked in front of the entire school when he wears them.
Molly: You have some too.
Harry: How could you do this to me? You're one of the good adults.
Molly: *holding them up for him* I got them new and in a more modern style.
Harry: Oh *turns to Ron, doing a Nelson Muntz impression* HA-HA!