Harry: Well, it's the end of the holidays. Guess we'll be going back to Hogwarts now so that the plot can actually start… *sees Amos Diggory's head in the fireplace* …if it wasn't for all the other magical shit I've seen over the last four years, I'd actually be confused by this.
Ron: It's just a lazy version of Floo Powder.
Harry: Probably not, but whatever.
Hermione: It's kind of dangerous using teleportation like this, seeing as how it requires you to destroy every atom of your body and rebuild it perfectly on the other side.
Harry: Somehow, that explanation isn't the stupidest thing on the planet.
Amos: Look, can one of you just tell Arthur I'm here? There's been a ruckus at Mad-Eye Moody's place. And right before he got to start his new job too.
Harry: So he's our Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher, then?
Amos: How the hell did you figure that out?
Harry: Because we change Defence teachers annually, and he's starting a new job when term goes back. Not hard to figure out.
Molly: Hold on, I'll go get Arthur for you *yelling* ARTHUR! Amos is in the fireplace.
Arthur: Tell him I'm not home.
Amos: I just heard you Arthur.
Arthur: Oh…Amos, I'm not home.
Amos: Look, just meet me at Mad-Eye Moody's place. Shit went down last night.
Arthur: Well, duh. That's what happens when you have an evening poop.
Amos: Ugh, whatever *disappears*
Arthur: Phew, I was worried he'd make me actually do some work.
Molly: You know you could get fired if you don't go, right?
Arthur: Oh, what are they going to do? Fire me?
*ten seconds of silence*
Harry: Umm…
Molly: Give him a moment.
Arthur: …OH SHIT, I could get fired *quickly Apparates out of there*
Harry: Wow, you have more faith in him than I do.
Molly: I've been married to him for over twenty five years…
Harry: You poor thing.
Molly: …and I've figured out when he's stupid, when he's a moron, and when he's an imbecile.
Harry: There's a difference?
Bill: So, someone attacked Mad-Eye? How much is left of them?
Percy: They're probably scraping it off the pavement as we speak.
Harry: And this guy's going to be working at a school?
Charlie: What, you haven't had a homicidal maniac as a teacher before?
Harry: Does the back of one of their heads count? If not, then only on a full moon.
Hermione: So, who is he?
Fred: Only one of the most successful dark wizard hunters of all time.
George: But because doing that tends to get you a few enemies, he's gone a bit paranoid in his retirement.
Ron: By setting up security spells around his house that explode anything that crosses them. Mailmen dread getting his route.
Ginny: Sounds delightful.
Molly: Well, we've gotta get you kids to Hogwarts. The taxis should be getting here soon.
Harry: You can't just apparate us onto the platform? I mean, there's four adults here, and six kids to go to Hogwarts. It would only take two trips to do it. And it's not like either end will require you to worry about being seen by muggles.
Percy: Harry, you know perfectly well logic doesn't thrive here.
*at King's Cross*
Harry: You know, those drivers are going to talk about how they had to transport ten people, six of them lugging heavy trunks, two of them with pet owls, and make people suspicious because of how weird that is.
Molly: And I keep telling you that they're not going to say anything. See, watch *turns to cab drivers* Obliviate.
Bill: Did you remember to pay them?
Percy: And how much did you erase? *sees one of the drivers get back into his cab, immediately reverses into one of the other cabs, drives forward into the other, then screeches over the curb and lands on the train tracks, right as a train comes through* Oh, that much.
Harry: Nah, that's pretty standard for cab drivers the world over.
Molly: Alright everyone through the portal, train will be leaving soon.
*on the platform*
Hermione: See you later, guys. It was a pleasure meeting you.
Charlie: Don't worry, I have a feeling I'll be seeing you guys again real soon.
Harry: Is Hagrid hoarding dragons again?
Charlie: As much as I'd like that, I don't think he is. You see…
Percy: No Charlie, you can't tell them yet. I haven't even finalised all the details yet.
Ron: All the details of what?
Percy: Well…I shouldn't be telling you about this, but the International Cauldron Exhibition is getting held at Hogwarts this year…
Fred: Nobody cares about that event.
George: What's the real thing you're hiding?
Percy: Hey, cauldrons are important.
Harry: Look, we're gonna find out tonight at the feast anyway. Or at least we should, since we're nearly a third of the way through the book and haven't even gotten to Hogwarts yet.
Molly: Alright, everyone on the train.
Harry: Why? How long have we got? *sees the train moving* Oh *starts running after it with the others*
Ron: *jumping onto the train* Harry, grab my hand *Hermione grabs it instead* HEY! I said HARRY! *tries to throw her off the train*
Hermione: You know, I could have Crookshanks attack another one of your pets.
Ron: *glares at her* Harry, grab my hand.
Harry: That's okay, I'll get in the next carriage.
Ginny: He said "get in" *suddenly they were in a compartment with Ron and Hermione*
Harry: When did we…
Ginny: I decided it, so it became so.
Draco: Hey Potter, enjoy the World Cup?
Harry: Sure did. Did you enjoy marching out of the stadium because she forced you too? *Ginny waves innocently at him*
Draco: Yeah, well…I know what's happening at school this year and you don't.
Harry: Yeah, well, we'll find out about it…NEXT CHAPTER?! Are you kidding? We're waiting TWELVE chapters in a thirty seven chapter book to get to the plot?!
Neville: Hey guys, I'm here too.
Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Draco: NOBODY CARES, NEVILLE!