Ron: Finally, after two days of waiting…
Harry: Six days.
Ron: …it's Thursday, so we get to have Defence Against the Dark Arts and see what Moody's like.
Fred: He's a great teacher.
George: You need to see it to believe it.
Harry: Based on what happened to Malfoy the other day, I'll believe it.
Lee: Seriously, the guy's a god damn nutjob.
Harry: His name is MAD-Eye Moody. I kinda figured.
Hermione: HARRY! That's unfair stereotyping. Speaking of which…
Fred, George, and Lee: We just remembered we have to be somewhere that isn't here *leave very quickly*
Harry: I swear to God, if this is about what I think it's about…
Hermione: It's about S. P. E. W.
Harry: …what?
Hermione: S. P. E. W. It's a group I've started for…
Ron: That's not until the end of the chapter. We have a new teacher to check out *leaves*
Hermione: He's enthusiastic.
Harry: He's hoping you forget about whatever you're trying to recruit us to, as am I *leaves*
*later, in Defence Against the Dark Arts*
Hermione: It's not often that we beat the teacher to the class.
Harry: Really? That's what you're focusing on?
Hermione: Just saying, don't you think it's kinda weir…
Moody: *kicking in the door* Alright motherfuckers, who wants to do some learning?
Hermione: Was there a reason you were late?
Moody: *hiding a flask in his robes* That doesn't answer my question, but since you don't have a choice either way, the answer has to be yes anyway, so let's get to it. Today we're gonna be learning how to get your ass a one way ticket to Azkaban.
Harry: That seems like an irresponsible thing to be teaching fourteen year olds.
Moody: Do you have a problem with my teaching methods Potter?
Harry: I didn't say that, I just said it was irresponsible.
Moody: Excellent. Now, there are three Unforgivable Curses. What are they?
Hermione: Err…should you be teaching us those? I mean, if they're illegal, wouldn't it be a better idea to NOT teach us them and hope that one day the spells are forgotten?
Moody: Miss Granger, is it? I was told you were a smart one, so how about you think about this? If you know what the spells are, you can learn how to defend yourself from them. Why the hell do you think the class is called Defence?
Hermione: But by getting rid of…
Moody: I only have a year here, so someone give me a curse to teach you.
Harry: At least this teacher knows he's going down.
Ron: *raising his hand* Umm…the Imperius curse?
Harry: Holy shit, you actually know something?
Moody: Weasley, is it? I figured as much from the red hair.
Harry: That's…racist? I think. Surely there are non-Weasley redheads in this universe.
Hermione: Name one.
Harry: …fuck. Well, at least they didn't replace the redhead minority with someone black.
Dean: That better be a reference, or there'll be trouble.
Harry: Just wait, the comments will be in an uproar over it soon enough.
Moody: If you're done, Weasley has actually identified the first of the curses. Wanna see it in action?
Lavender: On a student? I volunteer Neville.
Neville: What?
Parvati: Second.
Neville: Why me?
Harry: …third.
Moody: Tempting, but I'm afraid I'm not allowed to use human test subjects anymore.
Seamus: Should we be concerned about that last word?
Moody: So instead we'll be using large spiders.
Ron: May I be excused?
Moody: Absolutely not *pulls out a jar of spiders and puts one on the desk* Imperio *the spider got on its back legs and started dancing the Macarena*
Harry: Wow, was not expecting that dance to have a spell for it. Or for it to be illegal to perform it.
Moody: Oh yes, it's quite the crime to do that dance. However, the Imperius Curse is actually used for making people do whatever you want.
Seamus: *pointing his wand at his dick* Imperio *his dick suddenly gets ten times bigger* It works.
Moody: Not how that's supposed to work, but whatever. Next curse. You there, Longbottom. What is it?
Neville: I…I don't wanna talk about it.
Harry: What's with Neville? He's the comic relief punching bag. It's not like he's got a tragic backstory or anything.
Moody: What's wrong kid? It's not like it's gonna emotionally scar you to hear me talk about, in excruciating detail, what the Cruciatus Curse is.
Neville: Please stop.
Harry: Yes, please, before he gets a tragic backstory.
Moody: *pulling out another spider* Crucio *spider curls up in pain* Ah, yes, the Cruciatus Curse. A curse designed for the sole purpose of torture. If this gets used on you, you will be in extreme physical pain. Sometimes, if it's used on you for too long, it can cause severe mental damage, completely fucking your mind to pieces.
Neville: Please…
Moody: Oh, I haven't got to the part about how the mental damage can be so severe it can force a parent to forget about their own children. Hell, I remember this one baby back in the eighties who lost both his parents to… *realises who it was that this happened to* Err… *takes the spell off the spider*
Seamus: *pointing his wand at his dick* Crucio *his dick suddenly reverts to its normal size* NOOO!
Moody: Alright, that's two of the three. The final curse is Avada Kedavra…
Seamus: *pointing his wand at his dick* Avada Keda…
Moody: …the killing curse.
Seamus: *pauses for a moment, then carefully puts his wand on the desk and moving his hand away* Continue.
Moody: *pulls out a third spider* Avada Kedavra *there's a green flash of light, then the spider's dead* No-one who has ever been hit by this spell has ever survived, except for Scarface over there.
Harry: I did it with the power of love.
Moody: There is no counter curse to it, no way to block it, you can't even dodge it. If it's used, someone's dying.
Harry: Except for all the times the plot demands otherwise.
Hermione: But if it's so unavoidable, why even teach it? If we don't know about it, it becomes forgotten knowledge and won't get used.
Moody: Kid, which of us has taken down more Death Eaters than you have I. Q. points?
Hermione: Well that's just…
Moody: That's right, me bitch. Now shut the fuck up and let me teach my class *bell rings* Shut the fuck up and let me dismiss my class.
*as they're leaving the room*
Hermione: Neville seemed really shaken up about…
Harry: NO! No more tragic backstories. He's had three books to have it revealed, we're not starting now.
Moody: Longbottom? Sorry, I forgot you live with your grandmother because of a truly depressing reason. Come and have a cup of tea with me.
Harry: God damn it.
Neville: Gee, sir, I don't know…
Moody: I wasn't asking *grabs Neville by the elbow* Come on, I hear you're good at Herbology. I'm gonna teach you about a magical herb that muggles use to get high.
Neville: Muggles can fly?
Moody: That's what they think. Come on *roughly drags Neville up the stairs*
Ron: So…should we help him, or…
Harry: Nah.
*later, in the common room*
Ron: So, what are you gonna do for your Divination homework?
Harry: I'm just gonna look up thirty different ways to die and say I die from each of them. She'll believe it no matter what, so I should be good.
Ron: I'm gonna say I score with you every day, so I should be…
Harry: Just…no.
Hermione: Hey guys.
Harry: I assume you're about to talk about house elves, therefore I will tell you that I am currently busy with homework, something that you, as a nerd, can respect and will let me get back to work.
Hermione: Harry, it's only Divination. It doesn't count. Anyway, this about House Elf rights, something that everyone…
Harry: Have you even asked the house elves if they want rights?
Hermione: Of course they do. Everyone wants rights. In fact, I'm already campaigning to have them represented better in the media.
Harry: …you mean like in TV and stuff? Not sure that too many wizards watch muggle TV, or that muggles will care much for…
Ron: I think she's referring to The Happiest House Elf comic strip in the Daily Prophet.
Hermione: Exactly. He's shown enjoying doing household chores. No-one should enjoy that. We need to seriously stop this horrible bias against…
Fred: Can you guys shut up over there?
George: We're trying to blackmail someone.
Harry: That seems a little illegal to be talking about in a public space. Loudly at that.
Fred: Do you see how many people are here right now?
George: And we know you don't care enough to tell on us.
Harry: …good point. Continue.
Hermione: Hey, do you want to join…
Fred and George: Nope *leave*
Hermione: They'll come around. Anyway, you two are now the first official members of S. P. E. W. I'm thinking two Sickles for anyone who wants to join, and they have to wear their badges in support of…
Harry: Hermione, I never thought I'd be asking you of all people this, but did you think any of this through? You want people to PAY for the privilege of wearing a badge that says spew for a cause that the people you're supporting don't care about?
Hermione: Secretary Potter, if I didn't know better I'd think you weren't supportive of this noble cause.
Harry: I really don't though. But since you're just gonna ignore that anyway, I'm just gonna wait and see how this chapter ends *Hedwig flies through the window and drops a letter on Harry's lap* About time you showed up *opens letter*
Sirius's letter: Shit fam, that sounds bad. Be there soon. Also, no I don't care that you haven't told your aunt and uncle I'm innocent. They sound like assholes anyway. P. S., can you please pass this anthrax on to Ron for me.
Harry: *passing Ron a bag* Ron, this is for you.
Ron: Thanks *throws it in the fire*
Harry: Also, Sirius is coming back.
Ron and Hermione: WHAT?!
Harry: Yeah, not the smartest move when you're the most wanted man in the country. Well, good night.