Harry: *writing a letter* "Dear Sirius, why the hell would you think it's a good idea to come back? We still have your wanted posters around the school. Look, I'm sure nothing's wrong with my scar, it hasn't hurt since the night of the dream, so it's probably fine…if you don't count the thing with the Dark Mark, but that's probably a coincidence. Anyway, just keep hidden until we can…I dunno, fake your death or something so people won't suspect you. Sincerely, Harry." Okay Hedwig, take this to Sirius.
Hedwig: *turning away from him* *thoughts* For God's sake, I just got back, now you want me to go out again? You didn't even give me anything for my last trip.
Harry: Fine, I'll give the job to Pigwidgeon. I'm sure he'll be…
Hedwig: *grabbing the letter* *thoughts* Don't you dare, asshole.
Harry: That's what I thought. See you in a few weeks.
Hedwig: *thoughts* Fuck you *flies away*
*a few weeks later, in Defence Against the Dark Arts*
Hermione: I wonder when Sirius is gonna get here.
Harry: Oh, don't worry about that. I wrote him a letter to tell him not to.
Hermione: Harry! You know with forensic evidence and modern science we could prove that…
Harry: That a man who's already been convicted as a murderer is innocent? Will that be before or after the dementors turn him into a vegetable? Because I have a sneaking suspicion it will be after.
Hermione: I'm sure the Ministry will listen…
Harry: They're the goddamn government. They don't listen to shit.
Ron: He's right, you know.
Hermione: Your dad's in the government.
Ron: That's how I know.
Moody: *bursting into the room* Who wants to be cursed?
Hermione: That sounds incredibly illegal.
Moody: Only if you tell your other teachers.
Harry: Not helping your case, but I'm not objecting either.
Moody: Excellent. Now, line up and I'll randomly select one of the Unforgiveable Curses to put on you, and you try and throw it off.
Dean: Didn't you say the killing curse was unblockable, and an instant kill?
Moody: Well, you better just hope you don't get that one then.
Neville: Well, I'm screwed.
Seamus: Nah, instant death would be a mercy. You're more likely to get Cruciatus.
Neville: Oh God…
Harry: Do you think he'll actually kill anyone off?
Ron: Maybe, but I bet he'll just kill off a bunch a characters irrelevant to the story.
Fred: *off in the distance* I'll take that bet.
George: *off in the distance* Shut the fuck up.
Moody: Alright, first victim is *pulls name out of a hat* Fay Dunbar.
Harry: …who?
Fay: Seriously? Check Harry Potter Wiki. I've been here the whole time you ha…
Moody: AVADA KEDAVRA! *green flash, followed by Fay's body falling to the floor*
Seamus: …me next.
Dean: What the fuck is wrong with you man?
Seamus: What are the chances he's gonna pick the killing curse twice in a row?
Dean: One in three. The chance of it getting picked doesn't go down just because it's been picked once.
Seamus: Oh…I'd like to…
Moody: CRUCIO! *spell flies directly into Seamus's dick*
Seamus: …sir, may I go to the Hospital Wing?
Moody: If you can make it there like that, you have earned the right to be treated *Seamus waddles out of the room* Neville Fatass, you're up next.
Neville: It's Longbottom, sir.
Moody: That's what I said. Now, I think I'm gonna use…AVADA KEDA… *Neville faints* Well that's no fun. Potter, let's get to the only character here we actually care about.
Ron: But what about me?
Moody: Watch it, or Trelawney will see flashes of green in your future.
Hermione: Aww, that's adorable. You think she's legit.
Moody: You'd be surprised.
Harry: I swear to God, If she's ever gotten anything right, I'll pretend to care about Hermione's stupid house elf cause.
Hermione: …I'm conflicted right now.
Moody: Now Potter, prepare yourself for…IMPERIO! *magic blasts into Harry*
Harry: Well this isn't so bad. Huh, why do I feel like jumping on the desk? Well, better do it. Wait, that seems like a dumb idea. Probably should have realised this before I was airborne, but whatever *crashes into the desk*
Moody: Huh…you tried to throw off the curse.
Harry: Really? Sounds extremely plot convenient that the first time I get hit with one of the most illegal spells in the world, I'm strong enough to resist it.
Moody: I'm gonna make you do it again, and see if you can actually throw it off completely.
Harry: Please don't. I'm pretty sure both my kneecaps are currently broken. If I could just go to the Hospital Wi…
Moody: IMPERIO!
Harry: Guess we're doing this then.
*during Transfiguration*
Hermione: How are you feeling Harry?
Harry: He made me do things. Thirteen times he did that to me.
Hermione: You gotta admit, he's very persuasive.
Ron: Are you just saying to justify that he had you do a strip tease for the class?
Hermione: Only until MI6 got wind of a dirty old man telling an underage girl to get naked.
Harry: Then he killed them all. We know. Honestly, I'm amazed he hasn't exposed wizards before now.
McGonagall: Will you three get back to turning a hedgehog into a pincushion?
Harry: Do we ever use this shit? Like, ever?
McGonagall: I'm the teacher, and I say work.
*later, in the Entrance Hall*
Hermione: Why are there so many people here?
Harry: Probably something to do with the Triwizard Tournament. But since we can't enter, it won't apply to us, so let's keep moving…
Ron: Don't worry, I can check it.
Harry: No Ron, that's not necessary *gets dragged through the crowd* Okay, guess this is happening.
Ron: Look Harry, the delegations from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang will be here on Friday the 30th of October.
Harry: For fuck's sake, the 30th of October is a SUNDAY! It's like J. K. Rowling doesn't even own a calendar.
Hermione: Well that seems a bit dumb. We'll be leaving class early for their seven pm arrival. Classes end well before then, and even if we need to all help prepare the castle, the hundreds of students here could easily get everything ready in under four hours.
Harry: Hermione, are you really gonna complain about less Potions?
Hermione: …touché.
Ernie: Better tell Cedric that he'll need to sign up soon.
Harry: Oh yeah, he's in this fic. Guess he'll be the Hogwarts champion.
Fred: Not if we have anything to do with it.
Harry: You realise only one of you will get picked right? And that's assuming you can even sign up.
George: That's why we switch which one of us goes in each time.
Hermione: But there's three challenges, and only two of you.
Fred: We're counting on one of us dying in the first two challenges, and the "grieving brother" finishing what his twin started.
Harry: …that is just beyond stupid, even by your standards.
Ron: Yeah, I highly doubt either of you would die while the other lives.
George: Whatever, we've got some extortion to do.
Harry: Who are you blackmailing?
Fred: HARRY! We're not blackmailing anyone, we're extorting someone.
George: The x makes it sound cool.
*morning of the 30th*
Harry: *as the group entered the Great Hall* Huh…does something seem…different?
Hermione: You mean those banners? Banners that would have had to have been put there by unpaid house elves.
Ron: Or magic. Like what we've been taught for the last three and a half books.
Harry: I've been meaning to talk to you about that by the way. Have you actually SPOKE to the house elves about what they want?
Hermione: Of course not. They don't know what they want, and what they need is equal treatment, which is what I'm working to give them.
Harry: Look, could you at least talk to them before we do anything else in the "club"?
Ron: You could find out how brainwashed they are so we know how to proceed better.
Hermione: That's not a bad idea Ron. I better do that *leaves*
Harry: That's…actually not a bad idea by your standards.
Ron: And now that I've helped you get away from her thing for the time being, how about you and me…
Harry: No *owl mail arrives, including Hedwig* Ah, I've got a response.
Sirius's latter: Too late Harry, I'm already here. Don't worry, I avoided the Ministry for months once, I can do it again…as long as you stop sending Hedwig. Sooner or later someone's bound to notice a snowy owl flying around the Scottish countryside, and we can't take the chance that it might be someone smart. See you soon, Sirius. P. S. Please apologise to Ron that I couldn't get him some more anthrax in this letter, and instead accept this container of pure syphilis.
Harry: Ron, this is for you.
Ron: Is it more anthrax?
Harry: No.
Ron: Excellent *drinks entire bottle*
Harry: Wasn't exactly an upgrade though.
Ron: *sees what's in the letter* …oh…I'm going to go see Madame Pomfrey. In the meantime, please resist the urge to sleep with me.
Harry: *sarcastically* Oh, gee, however will I survive?
Ron: I know right? *leaves*
*that night*
Harry: Where the hell are these people?
Hermione: You know they're coming from overseas right? It'll take them a while.
Harry: They said they'd be here by seven. It's now seven o five…and a half.
Ron: You know how unreliable the train can be.
Harry: It's arrived on time every year we've been here.
Ron: What about our second year?
Harry: You know what happened that year.
Neville: Guys, look!
Harry: Nobody cares Neville.
Neville: No, it's one of the schools *points at a horse drawn carriage in the sky*
Harry: How fricken big do they need that thing?
McGonagall: Oh, you'll see *carriage lands, and out steps the Headmistress, standing at about eleven and a half feet*
Harry: …oh…Oh God, did we just introduce a love interest for Hagrid?
Dumbledore: MINERVA! The Amazons are attacking! QUICK! Get the students to form a defensive barrier so I can escape.
McGonagall: Albus, Madame Maxime is here for the Triwizard Tournament.
Dumbledore: Oh…Get the students to form a defensive barr…
Maxime: Albus, I see you are still a…how do you English say…senile old git.
Dumbledore: She's French? That means I'm duty bound as an Englishman to kick her ass.
McGonagall: *heavy sigh* We are honoured to have you, Madame Maxime.
Maxime: Excellent. Now, who shall take care of our horses?
McGonagall: That would be our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, Hagrid.
Maxime: And you are sure he will be up to the task? My horses will only drink single malt whiskey.
McGonagall: Umm…he'll have enough.
Harry: Wouldn't bet on it.
Neville: Hey guys, look at the lake.
Harry: Neville, stop trying to be important.
Ron: He's right though *points at a ship rising out of the lake*
Harry: Son of a bitch.
Dumbledore: HOLY SHIT MINERVA! The Amazons brought pirates as backup. RUN! *jumps through a window into the castle*
McGonagall: And somehow, he's the Headmaster here *turning to face the Durmstrang students and teachers* Welcome Igor.
Karkaroff: Ah, hello Minerva. Tell me: is Albus around?
Dumbledore: Tell Jack Sparrow to get lost.
Harry: I thought he was Grindelwald.
Ron: Guys…
Harry: Nobody cares Ron.
Ron: But…Viktor Krum.
Harry: What… *sees Krum among the Durmstrang students* Well, guess we know their representative then.