Ron: Holy shit guys. Guys? Guys! Viktor Krum is here. GUYS! Viktor Krum is…
Harry: We heard you Ron. Maybe you can stalk him for the school year instead of me.
Ron: Don't worry Harry, there's room in my heart for two.
Harry: Is that so? Well, maybe this relationship can't work if that's the way you…
Ron: Okay I choose you Harry.
Harry: SON OF A FUCK!
Hermione: What's the big deal? He's just a sports player.
Harry: Yeah, and so is David Beckham, but guess what? Kieran's cousin David* is still extremely popular with the ladies.
Hermione: Well, I know I'm not interested. Nope, not in the slightest.
Harry: Good. Hopefully this other sub-plot that's about to start will distract you from the one you're currently in.
Hermione: Wait, what other sub-plot?
McGonagall: Alright, everyone into the Great Hall, and we'll begin the welcome feast.
Dumbledore: Don't bring them in here. We didn't beat the French and the Germans in World War II to let them be welcome in our country.
Hermione: I don't even know which inaccuracy to address first.
*in the Great Hall*
Ron: Hey Viktor. VIKTOR! There's a seat over here. VIKTOR! VIKTOR!
Harry: Ron, you do realise there are three hundred other students also yelling the same thing, right?
Ron: Quick, use your influence as main character to bring him over him.
Harry: Why would I do that for you?
Ron: Because you could have prevented THAT from happening *Viktor sits down next to Malfoy, who looks smug*
Harry: Aww, isn't that cute? Malfoy finally has a celebrity best friend. Too bad a muggle-born beat him to that.
Draco: HOW DARE YOU! I'll tell my father that…
Hermione: Oh, shut up ferret boy.
Viktor: *looks at Malfoy, who's suddenly sweating nervously* Ferret boy?
Draco: Err…it's an affectionate nickname? Yeah, that's it, because she loves me so much…
Hermione: That is so not tru…
Harry: Wait a minute Hermione *clears throat, and makes sure everyone in the Hall can hear him* Wait 'til your father hears you said that.
Draco: *between his teeth* I…will…kill…you…Potter.
Hermione: You know what Harry? I like your idea better.
Beauxbatons girl: Excuse me, are you gonna eat zat?
Ron: No, go ahead, you… *sees the girl* Uhh… *heart starts beating out of his chest*
Beauxbatons girl: *ignoring this* Thank you *takes the plate and leaves*
Ron: *heart finally stopping* What the hell was that? I normally only get a boner when looking at Harry.
Ginny: Is that so? *aside* Mental note: there's something about that Beauxbatons girl. Figure it out, and exploit the shit out of it.
Dumbledore: If I may have your attention please, I have a few announcements about our intruders.
Hagrid: *bursting in through the front doors* I'll seh! Who the fock let their winged 'orses drink my focken whiskeh?
Maxime: That would be me.
Hagrid: Oh… *heart starts pounding out of his chest* Well, in that case, 'ave at it.
Harry: You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
McFondles: I heard something about fucking kids?
Harry: And you can fuck off, you pathetic excuse for a running gag *McFondles leaves*
Ron: What does he even teach here?
Hermione: Pedimancy.
Dumbledore: Anyway, I have been informed that they are here to compete in a kind of Olympics of Death, so we, and by that I mean you, will show them how good this school, and by extension me, is by winning this thing.
Bagman: *entering with Barty Crouch Snr.* Don't forget the other two judges of the event.
Crouch: Why the fuck did I agree to this?
Bagman: Oh, come on, what's the worst that could happen?
Crouch: I get stuck talking to you. And since that's already happening, I really wish someone would just kill me.
Dumbledore: I'm sure that could be arranged. But for now, I must introduce the way that students and intruders get signed up for the Triwizard Tournament *waves wand to reveal the Goblet of Fire* Behold, an item that was made for the purposes of this one thing and will never be used again, the Goblet of Fire.
McGonagall: That looks like solid gold.
Dumbledore: It is.
McGonagall: How did you afford…
Dumbledore: Never you mind. On an unrelated note, thanks for taking a HUGE pay cut.
McGonagall: God fucking damn it Albus.
Dumbledore: Anyway, to sign up for the tournament, simply put your name and school on a piece of paper and throw it in the goblet. If you're not seventeen, the fire will simply burn your entry.
Fred: Well that doesn't sound so bad.
Dumbledore: And probably some other stuff that I won't tell you about because it'll amuse me to see you try.
George: Bring it on.
Lee: Damn, white people are idiots.
Dean: I know right?
Dumbledore: You have twenty four hours to enter. And to prove we're serious, you have twelve hours.
McGonagall: No they don't.
Dumbledore: Fine, whatever. But you know everyone knows the names of two of the three champions already, and can probably guess who the other one is.
McGonagall: Alright, that's enough bullshit for one day. Everyone off to bed.
Harry: Good, because this thing that will have no impact on us is taking up too much time in this book.
Karkaroff: You boy. You're Harry Potter, right?
Harry: So what if I am?
Karkaroff: Hmm…Viktor, looks like you're not the only celebrity here. You'll have to try extra hard in the tournament, to prove you are the best celebrity here.
Harry: The last guy to try that lost his memory.
Moody: Hey Karkaroff, back off Potter, or I'll send your ass back to Azkaban. And I'm sure Bowling Ball Bag Bob will be happy that ass is back in there.
Hermione: You were in prison, but they let you become Headmaster of a school?
Karkaroff: Don't worry, it was only a minor offence.
Moody: Minor my ass. You were a…
Karkaroff: Anyway, off to bed *leaves with his students*
*the next day*
Ron: Wonder who's put their names in the Goblet.
Third-year blonde Ravenclaw girl: All the Durmstrang kids, though I think they all wrote Krum's name. Can I be a main character yet?
Harry: Maybe next book.
Fred: Hey guys, we made an aging potion.
Hermione: Do you really think Dumbledore didn't think of that?
Harry: To be fair, I don't think he did.
Lee: I'm just here to laugh at their failure.
Harry: Aren't we all?
George: Here goes *drinks potion, and steps across the age line. Nothing happens*
Fred: HA! Told you it would work *drinks potion and steps over line, ready to put name into the Goblet*
Goblet: BEGONE CHILD! *the floor underneath Fred and George suddenly flings them into a nearby wall*
George: Ow…
Harry: Figured that was coming. Can we have breakfast now?
Ron: What about later?
Harry: I don't know, go to Hagrid's?
Hermione: Great idea, I can ask him to join S. P. E. W. *runs to get her S. P. E. W. stuff*
Ron: So, we're still going to Hagrid's, or…
Harry: If only to warn him Hermione's coming.
Angelina: Hey guys, I signed up for the tournament.
Harry: Great. Watch as Cedric becomes the champion for Hogwarts instead.
Angelina: You don't know that.
Harry: Yes I do. Everyone knows it. And not just because this book is nearly twenty years old.
*later, heading down at Hagrid's*
Ron: So…where do you think the other schools are sleeping?
Harry: Why? So you can sneak into that Beauxbatons girl's room?
Ron: What? No.
Harry: Yeah, I didn't think you'd…
Ron: I wanna sneak into Krum's room.
Harry: Of course you do. Anyway, can't people in this world essentially make their own T. A. R. D. I. S. so that everything is bigger on the inside? Your own dad did it at the World Cup. They're probably sleeping in the cart and the ship they arrived on.
Ron: Oh Harry, that's just ridicu… *sees students from the other schools leaving the ship/cart* …shut up.
Harry: Anyway, here we are at Hagr… *sees Hagrid passed out drunk in his garden, surrounded by the Beauxbatons winged horses, also drunk* Yeah, that seems about right.
Hermione: *running up to them, sees Hagrid* Oh…I'll just pin this on him. I'm sure he was interested in joining anyway *pins S. P. E. W. badge on him*
Ron: How long do you think until he notices?
Harry: Who said he would notice?
*later, at the Halloween feast*
Dumbledore: Alright, time to find out who…
Hagrid: *bursting into the Great Hall, holding the badge* HEY! I mighta bin drunk, but I didn' spew *crushes badge*
McGonagall: Rubeus, are you admitting to being drunk around children?
Hagrid: I ain't ever bin outdrunk by a winged 'orse before, and I ain't startin' now.
Manime: A man after my own heart.
Dumbledore: You won? Excellent. On with the ceremony *Goblet of Fire spits out a piece of paper* Okay, first name is…aww, they're not from Hogwarts *crumples it up and throws it away*
McGonagall: *picking up paper* Viktor Krum from Durmstrang. It's not his handwriting, but it's his name, so come on down *Viktor Krum walks to the front of the Hall and through a side door as the next name comes out*
Dumbledore: *grabbing the piece of paper* Aww, this one isn't Hogwarts either *throws it away*
McGonagall: *reading it* Fleur Delacour from Beauxbatons *the girl from the previous night gets up and goes through door Krum went through as the final name came out of the Goblet*
Dumbledore: Finally, the Hogwarts name *reads who it is* Aww, he's a Hufflepuff student *throws it away*
McGonagall: *reading it* Cedric Diggory from Hogwarts *Cedric gets up and follows the other two*
Dumbledore: Okay, now that we're disappointed with our three champions… *doesn't notice Goblet about to spit out another name*
Harry: Oh no…
Dumbledore: …let's get this feast starte… *sees Goblet spit out another name* …Minerva, am I going dumb, or did the Goblet spit out a fourth name?
McGonagall: Both sir *picks up paper and hands it to him*
Harry: *praying* Please don't be me, please don't be me, please don't be…
Dumbledore: Harry Potter?
Harry: MOTHERFU…
*Author's note: So, the reason I'm referring to David Beckham as my cousin is because of a running joke in my family. Basically, my dad's done a lot of genealogy stuff, and found some Beckhams living in England a while back. We joked about how we could be related to David, but then dad did a bit of digging into David's family history and, while he didn't find a direct connection, he traced David's family back to the same area as our Beckhams, in a time where long travel was extremely rare, so there's a not unreasonable chance that we're distantly related. On top of this, I actually put my picture into a thing to find out which celebrity I looked the most like, and guess what the result was? Go on, guess. Anyway, see you guys in the next chapter.