[TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains self-harm, but since a lot of plot related stuff is given in this chapter, I'll let you know when to skip ahead if you have to. After I tell you to skip ahead, I want you to just scroll down until a big block of text in bold, italics, underlines, and caps lock jumps out and tells you that I think it's okay to start reading again. Okay? Okay.]
P.S. I am so, so, so sorry for taking so long with this chapter. I kept meaning to work on it, but then college would tap on my shoulder and say, "Girl, I just want you to know that when it comes to real life, I am very important, and if you ignore me, I will come back later and kick you in the butt." And it would frustrate me so much, you have no idea. ("Ugh. Fiiiine! I'll do my homework, but I WON'T like it. I know it's important, but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.") But I want you all to know that whenever I got discouraged because of the amount of homework I had or because of my grades, I would briefly look at the reviews y'all have given me so far, and they never failed to make me smile and encourage me. :-) So, thanks for being so patient, guys. I'll shut up and let you read the chapter now. ;-)
Chapter Twelve: Meetings and Revelations
Theme Song: Painkiller by Three Days Grace
The next morning, the two sisters got up and got ready for church.
In that time period, most of the nation of Arendelle—known today as Norway—was Lutheran, and Catholicism was only legal in a few places, the city of Arendelle—also called "Arendelle" at the time, but known today as Kristiansand—being one.
Being raised as Catholics, the two sisters attended Mass in the Catholic chapel close by—the same one where Elsa was crowned queen.
Being good Catholic parents, King Agdar and Queen Idunn brought their children to Mass on Sundays and to church on the major feasts… both their children. Even through the thirteen years of isolation. The king and queen would always be sure to sit between their two children to make sure that there was no physical contact between them. The parents would have let the two sit next to each other in a heartbeat if their eldest born had given them some indication that it was safe to do so, but Elsa never felt that it was safe.
There were some times when Anna would try to talk to her older sister—either before, during, or after church—but Elsa would do her best to ignore her, knowing that talking to Anna would just give the younger sibling false hope, and that talking with her would tempt her to give her sister a warm hug or some other small form of physical contact, which Elsa knew was a very, very dangerous thing to try given how unstable her powers were at the time. She remembered when she was practicing her handshake with a suit of armor and the horror she felt when her powers exited her as if of their own accord and covered the entire arm of the suit in ice.
Despite this, however, whenever Anna made a particularly goofy face at her sister, the older sibling couldn't help but smile ever so slightly at it. Even if she had to quickly turn her head away to try and quell the temptation to hug her sister. She would be the loving, responsible sister by putting her sibling's wellbeing first.
Sadly, after the king and queen drowned at sea, Elsa stopped coming to Mass on Sunday—she stopped coming to church at all—because she knew that in her emotionally distraught state she would be tempted more than before to give her sister a warm hug, and that that same emotionally distraught state made it all the more dangerous for her to be around her sister due to her powers.
But now that Elsa had finally figured out how to control her powers, she had no problem with sitting next to her sister during Mass… so long as Anna stopped trying to poke her side and tickle her and make her laugh that is.—There's a time and a place for poking and tickling, but church isn't one of those times or places.—
When Mass had finished and they left the church, they went back to the castle and spent the rest of the day building snowmen and hanging out together.
But now Sunday had come and gone, and Monday was now here to tell everyone to get back to work once more.
I'm sure that you all have experienced how wonderful that is.
Oh, the joys of Monday morning!
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
Two guards stood at the entrance of the castle courtyard, one on either side of the gate as they made sure that no one came in who was not supposed to. As they stood watch, they saw a figure approaching in the distance riding on the back of a reindeer and dressed in a uniform very much like their own.
They both smiled.
"Welcome back, Sir Alfred Peura!" the first stated.
"How are you faring, Sir?" the other asked in greeting.
"Good morning, Lt. Borg, Lt. Frisk!" the one called Sir Alfred greeted in reply. "I'm doing well, thank you for asking. I trust that you are both well?"
"Indeed we are, Sir," Lt. Frisk replied.
"Has our new queen met with the council yet?" Sir Alfred asked.
"No, not yet, I don't think," Lt. Borg replied.
"No? I thought she would have met with them by now?"
"There were some… setbacks that I am sure she can explain better than we can. You go on and meet with her, we'll get someone to put Themba in the stables for you."
"Thank you, gentlemen," Sir Alfred stated before dismounting and affectionately patting the reindeer's shoulders and neck. "Now, you be a good girl for Borg and Frisk, okay, Themba?"
The reindeer gave a snort in reply.
"Good girl."
Leaving his reindeer companion in the trusted hands of his fellow soldiers, Sir Alfred made his way to the castle doors and knocked.
The door was answered by Kai. "Ah, Sir Alfred, it's nice to see you again," the butler greeted warmly while beckoning him in.
"It's nice to see you again, as well, Kai," the knight replied. "I got caught in a bit of a blizzard on the way back here; I trust that her majesty is alright?"
There were very few people in addition to the former king and queen who knew about Elsa's powers while she was growing up. Kai, Gerda, and the rest of the staff knew, their priest knew, and Sir Alfred knew. He knew because he was the Captain of Arendelle's Royal Guard and was responsible for the safety of the royal family.
"Her Majesty is more than alright," Kai began with a smile, "she and Princess Anna have finally reunited."
"No! Truly?" the knight asked in surprise.
Kai nodded. "Truly, Sir Alfred."
"How?"
"Why don't you ask them yourself?" the butler stated as a door behind the knight was opened.
Sir Alfred turned around to be greeted with the sight of the queen and princess entering the hall.
Anna saw the knight and smiled brightly. "Sir Alfred!" she cheered in recognition before running up to him and warmly shaking his hand with both of hers. "It's so, so nice to have you back!"
"Indeed it is," Elsa added—though more calmly.
"Thank you, Princess Anna, Queen Elsa, it is good to be back," the knight stated, rather shocked to see the two together.
"How is your mother?" the older sibling asked. "Last we spoke, you said that she wrote to you about being sick with a fever."
"She died while I was with her," Sir Alfred solemnly replied.
"Oh, we're so sorry," Anna earnestly stated.
"Indeed we are," Elsa agreed.
"It's okay," the knight reassured, "at least she died peacefully."
"It's good that you went to see her before she died," Elsa stated.
"Yes, it is…" Sir Alfred paused sadly before adding, "I apologize again for missing your coronation, your Majesty."
"There's no need to apologize, Sir Alfred," Elsa reassured. "Your mother needed you and you needed to see her. I would've done the same if I were in your shoes."
"Thank you, your Majesty," the knight thanked with a sad smile. "I'm anxious to hear how your coronation went and how you two are now reunited."
The sisters looked at each other before the older of the two stated, "It's a long story."
"I'm still interested in hearing it if it's alright with you," Sir Alfred replied.
It was alright with them, so Elsa and Anna spent the next three-quarters of an hour telling him all that happened.
In the end, Sir Alfred was both shocked and overjoyed that everything turned out okay and that the two sisters were finally reunited. However, there was one thing that he was upset about…
"I should've been there to stop Prince Hans and that treacherous duke before they got as far as they did," he growled in frustration, upset that he wasn't there to do his job and protect the queen and princess.
"Hey, it's okay," Anna reassured the knight with a friendly hand on his shoulder. "Your mother was dying. You needed to be there to say goodbye to her."
"And besides," Elsa added, "everything turned out alright. So don't berate yourself."
"Alright," the knight reluctantly stated before asking, "Queen Elsa, when are you to meet with the council?"
"In just a couple minutes," the Snow Queen replied.
"Would you like me to accompany you?"
"Would that be a good idea seeing as how…?" the monarch trailed off.
"Seeing as how I have dark skin?" Sir Alfred finished for her.
She nodded. "I'm okay with you accompanying me, I just don't know if the members of the council will be okay with it," Elsa explained.
"Your Majesty, I may be of African descent," Sir Alfred calmly but firmly began, "but I am a free man. The late Sir and Lady Bergman bought my mother's freedom before I was born, so that means I was born free. None of the members of the council will have a valid argument against me saying that I must not be allowed in that room. The only people who can tell me whether I should be in that room or not are yourself and the princess. If you wish for me to accompany you and guard you like I did your father, then say the word and I shall, but if you don't want to risk an argument with the council about me, then say the word and I will stand guard outside the door… And I will also suggest that someone else accompany you in my place."
Moved by how the knight defended himself while staying humble, Elsa firmly stated, "Sir Alfred, not only do I want you to accompany me to this meeting, but I am making it a requirement that you to accompany me to every meeting that I will ever attend."
The man gave a small smile before bowing humbly. "Thank you, your Majesty."
In the town square, the clock tower sounded the time: nine o'clock.
"Well, I should say that it's time for us to get going," Elsa stated.
"Good luck, Elsa," Anna encouraged. "I hope the meeting goes well."
"Thank you, Anna," Elsa replied.
"Hey," the princess began before giving her sister the biggest smile she could muster, "you got this."
The encouragement made the queen smile, and any doubt that she had was pushed from her mind.
At that, the knight and the queen bid farewell to the princess before departing to meet with the council.
A few members of the council were upset that Sir Alfred had attended the meeting, but they were silenced both by the queen and by the rest of their peers before moving on to the business at hand.
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
Several hours later, the meeting ended, and Elsa and Sir Alfred emerged from the council room.
"Who are you going to appoint to search for the missing son of Sir Bergman?" the knight asked with his hands clasped behind his back as the two began to walk down the hallways.
"I'm going to give you that job," Elsa informed him, lacing her fingers together. "I would've told you while the meeting was still in session, but I know that there would be a few people who would've protested against that and who probably would've done something to hinder your search."
"Are we even certain if the child is even alive after all this time?" the man asked.
"We are not," the woman admitted.
"He would be at least twenty-one if he is alive. He would most likely have a job and a family of his own, he might not even be in Arendelle at all for all we know, and news like this would surely turn his world upside-down."
"But if he's out there, we at least owe it to his parents to make sure that he's safe... or at least learn of his fate." There was a pause before the queen asked, "How soon can you reopen the investigation?"
"Consider me already working on it," the knight replied.
"Good. Thank you, Sir Alfred, for doing this. I hope that you can find something that was missed the first time this was investigated."
"For the sakes of my former guardians, I hope so as well."
There was silence between them for a few moments before the man asked, "May I be so bold as to ask if you're going to tell Princess Anna of the letter from Russia?"
The Snow Queen sighed, her brow furrowed in worry as she took the folded parchment out of her pocket and held it in her hands. "I will… but not yet."
"When are you going to tell her?" the knight inquired.
"I don't know," the queen sighed.
Sir Alfred nodded slowly before stating, "Well, in the meantime, I shall pray for you both and hope that things go smoothly."
"Thank you, Sir Alfred," the queen replied with a small smile. "We shall pray for you as well and that your project goes well."
"Thank you, your Majesty. I should get going."
"Very well. Goodbye, Sir Alfred."
"Farewell, your Majesty. I shall tell you when and if I find something."
"I shall expect nothing less from you."
At that, the knight gave a quick bow and left.
Deep in thought, the queen continued to walk down the hallways until she made it back to her office. Sitting at her desk, she rested her forehead against it and let out a sigh. The words of the letter in her pocket still cycling through her mind.
What was she going to do?
"Hey, Elsa! How'd the meeting go?"
The Snow Queen jumped a little at the sudden presence of her little sister standing in the doorway before replying, "It was stressful and boring."
"How stressful?" Anna asked, moving a little bit closer.
"Very."
There was a pause before the princess timidly asked, "Do… you wanna talk about it?"
"No, not really."
"Come on, Elsa," Anna gently pushed, "you don't have to hide being upset anymore. I'm here to help now."
"How can you tell that I'm upset?" Elsa questioned while raising her head slightly to look at her sibling in curiosity.
"You're snowing," the younger sister plainly stated while pointing at the snowflakes suspended around the young queen.
The queen just huffed a stress-filled sigh and rested her forehead against the desk once more.
"Come on, Elsa, tell me what's wrong," the princess asked again.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Are you sure?" the princess asked, not realizing that she was now being rather annoying.
"Yes."
"Are you absolutely, positively sure?"
"Just drop it, Anna!" the monarch snapped while wrapping her arms around her head and curling further into the desk.
The princess raised her hands up in the universal sign for surrender before stating, "Sorry, I was just asking a simple question."
"It's not that simple, Anna," the older sister murmured while sitting up to lean her elbows on the desk and rest her face in her hands. "This is government and politics; it's not as easy as riding a bike."
The younger sister's brow furrowed slightly, thinking that the statement was a poke at how she couldn't ride a bike very well. "…What's gotten into you?"
"Nothing, Anna, I'm just stressed."
"Well, then tell me what's wrong and let me help you!" the young woman restated with open arms—ready to comfort her sister—like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"I told you, Anna, it's not that simple!" the queen growled.
"Well, then explain it to me, Elsa!"
The blonde looked at her sister like she was considering doing just that before turning away again. "…It's hard to explain!"
"Why is it hard to explain?" Anna questioned while crossing her arms over her chest.
"Because it's complicated!"
The redhead had had just about enough of this. Placing her hands on her hips, she sarcastically accused, "Oh, I get it, so it's too complicated for me to understand because I'm sooo dumb."
"I didn't say that!" Elsa defended, looking over at her sister.
"Well, that's what it sounds like."
"Uhg! You're being impossible!" the queen huffed while rolling her eyes.
Anna's brow furrowed even more, all sarcasm being put aside. "'Impossible'? What do you mean 'Impossible'?"
Elsa leaned back in her chair, and it looked like she was going to explain before she crossed her arms over her chest and one knee over the other while turning away and replying, "No."
"Oh, come on, Elsa," the princess goaded on, placing her hands on the desk, "give me the full dictionary definition of 'being impossible,' it should be sooo easy since you're the brains of the outfit!"
"Alright! Fine!" the queen loudly snapped while standing and slamming her own hands on the desk, shooting ice out against the wood which went ignored by them both. "'Impossible. Definition: very difficult to deal with. Synonyms include but are not limited to: unreasonable, difficult, intolerable, unbearable, exasperating, infuriating, and irritating. Example: "Anna was being impossible because she wouldn't let sleeping wolves lie!"'" By now, there were spikes of ice beginning to form at the Snow Queen's feet in her frustration, but the princess firmly stood her ground, either fearless against the ice or simply not noticing it… or both.
The princess gave a confused look. "What does any of this have to do with wolves?!"
"It's a trope!"
"What does that even mean?! You know I'm not as fluent in fancy words as you!"
"Actually, I don't!" the queen shouted. "In case you haven't noticed, I've spent the last thirteen years locked away trying to protect you!"
"Actually, I don't!" the princess yelled in return. "Because in case you haven't noticed, I've spent the last few minutes being angry at you!"
"Uhg!" Elsa growled in frustration as she fell back into her chair and rested her forehead in her hand. "Just leave me alone, Anna."
"Oh, where have I heard this before?" Anna sarcastically asked while resting her chin in her hand. "Oh, yeah, that's right, in front of your door! 'Go away, Anna! Go away, Anna!' You know what? I will go away, but don't expect me to come back knocking anytime soon!"
"Alright, then go!" the Snow Queen ordered, not realizing the weight of what she had just said.
"Okay, I will! Let's see how you like being locked out this time!" Anna snapped, not realizing what she was saying either.
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
With that, the princess slammed the door shut and stormed off, leaving the queen alone with her thoughts… and almost immediate regrets. She buried her face in her hands as she tried to calm down.
The words that she said to her sister cycled through her head again and again, and the more she thought about them, the more she curled in on herself in her shame.
What had gotten into her?
Snowflakes were falling all around her as her mind stewed in her stress and regrets.
The more she thought about her fight with her sister as well as the meeting with her council, the more anxious and stressed she became, and the more anxious and stressed she became, the more drained and ashamed she felt.
After many minutes of beating herself up about the fight, she finally made up her mind to go try and take a quick nap before getting back to work again. Since Anna had stormed out of the office, the room had quickly turned into a miniature winter wonderland. The depressing kind, not the happy kind. It was the least of the Snow Queen's worries, however, and a small flurry followed her overhead as she wearily made her way down the halls.
Elsa wrapped her arms around herself and walked with her head bowed, tears beginning to prick at her eyes once more.
She wasn't really paying attention when she reached for the doorknob to enter the room she and her sibling shared, and no sooner had she opened the door when she heard Anna shout, "Elsa, get out! Get out!"
"Sorry!" Elsa hastily replied before quickly shutting the door again. She started to walk away when her eyes widened and she froze in her tracks…
Were her eyes playing tricks on her?
Did she just see what she thought she saw?
The realization that had struck the woman soon turned into panic and her already pale face turned paler as a cold wind began to whirl quickly around her.
No. No, no, no, no. Not Anna. Surely not Anna. Anyone but Anna!
Rushing back over to the door, the Snow Queen threw it open and marched right up to where her little sister sat on her bed—despite the princess's protests and almost tripping over the girl's discarded shoes in her haste—and firmly questioned, "Anna, what were you doing just now?"
Despite the cold wind and the no-nonsense tone of Elsa's voice, the young woman just wrapped her left arm more tightly around her legs, hugging them closer to her chest as her right hand remained hidden behind her back as she anxiously replied, "I-I wasn't doing anything, Elsa, just leave me alone."
All this response did was fill the older sibling with more concern, dread weighing her heart down to the pit of her stomach like a ball of lead. "Please, don't lie to me, Anna."
The princess didn't reply, and opted to try and hide as much of her face behind her knees as possible. Unbeknownst to the redheaded young woman, however, the portion of the green dress she wore which covered her shins began to mysteriously grow a few black splotches.
Anna didn't notice this…
But Elsa did.
And it made her already racing heart beat even faster as her panic increased even more.
Is that blood?!
"Anna Helga Landvik," the Snow Queen sternly—and worriedly—stated with furrowed brow, doing her best to appear calm, "show me what you were doing this instant."
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
[TRIGGER WARNING: Time to skip ahead now. Remember, just scan for the text that will be in bold, italics, underline, and caps lock all at once. Okay? Okay.]
Earlier…
Anna stomped into the bedroom and slammed the door before going over to her bed and flopping down on it.
Curling into a ball, she proceeded to grumble as she thought aloud, "Stupid meeting, stupid council, stupid government, stupid politics, stupid Elsa. Why can't you see that I'm trying to help you, you stinker?! Just let me help you, gosh darn it!"
As she lay there, she began to recall the exact words she said to Elsa in their argument, and her face began to flush in embarrassment and shame. What possessed her to say such horrible things to her sister? Her heart sank even more when she remembered how she told Elsa that she was locking her out this time and to not bother with knocking…
What made it worse was that Elsa didn't protest.
In fact, she encouraged—no—demanded her to leave…
Her heart felt heavy as she sat up with her legs dangling over the side of the bed. This was it. The doors were going to close again… and it was all her fault. With each passing second, the weight in her chest grew heavier, and she hung her head in hopelessness and guilt.
"Stupid Anna," she murmured to herself. "You should've just left Elsa alone. She said that she didn't want to talk about being upset. You knew that she wanted to be left alone. So why didn't you just listen? Stupid, stupid, stupid Anna! This is all your fault."
Heaving a sigh as if it took all of her remaining strength to do so as tears began to well in her eyes, she took off her shoes and long socks before discarding them carelessly on the floor. Reaching under her bed, she fished out a small, bundled up cloth with dark stains on it. Carefully unwrapping the cloth, she revealed its contents: a small letter opener.
—For those who may not know, a letter opener is a small knife-like instrument that people use to… well… open letters. They can come in many different shapes, but they almost always resemble a knife in some way. While some have dull edges, some have sharp edges just like real knives, but most letter openers in the time period that this story takes place were sharp… just like this one.—
Firmly holding the letter opener in her hands, the princess's brow furrowed as she looked at her reflection in the blade. Her usually sparkling blue eyes looked like they belonged to someone far much older than her. They looked empty and devoid of any emotion apart from pain and guilt.
She wondered what the thin little strip of steel in her hands would say to her if it could talk.
Oh, who was she kidding?
She already knew.
Pressing the sharp end of the blade against her fingertip, she sang to her reflection, "You know you need a fix when you fall down,
You know you need to find a way to get you through another day.
Let me be the one to numb you out.
Let me be the one to hold you,
Never gonna let you get away.
The shoulder you cry on,
The dose that you die on."
Lifting up her skirts a tad, she brought the edge of the letter opener to her ankle and pressed it against the skin there, leaving a small, shallow cut. It stung. But she deserved it. She continued singing what she thought the blade would say to her.
"I… I can be your painkiller… killer… killer.
Love me 'til it's all over… over,
'Cause I'm the shoulder you cry on,
The dose that you die on.
I… I can be your painkiller… killer… killer."
All too soon, the distraction from her inner turmoil began to fade away. As she grew numb to the physical pain, the emotional pain came back again.
She hated this. She hated how much this thin blade had taken control of her. She hated herself for growing to depend on the strip of metal. But she had to do it. She had to punish herself for the mess that she had made.
"I know what you want so desperately,
You know I'll give you one for free.
Forever you're coming back to me.
Now I'm gonna give you what you need,
'Cause I know what you feed on, and what you lean on, and what you lead on.
The shoulder you cry on—" she left a slightly longer, deeper cut further up her shin—"The dose that you die on."
Blood began to seep out of the two wounds she had made, but she caught it with the cloth before it could stain anything. The scratchy fabric of the rag caused the cuts to sting for a little longer as she continued to sing, "I… I can be your painkiller… killer… killer.
Love me 'til it's all over… over,
'Cause I'm the shoulder you cry on,
The dose that you die on.
I… I can be your painkiller… killer… killer."
Anna could not stop the tears from falling down her cheeks as the cuts continued to fester and sting. No matter what happened, Elsa could never know of this. It would just hurt her too much.
Elsa… Would she be able to make everything feel better?
"Did you find another cure?" she questioned herself in song.
"Did you find another cure?"
As the guilt returned anew, she began to carve cuts into her opposite leg.
"I… I can be your painkiller… killer… killer.
Love me 'til it's all over… over,
'Cause I'm the shoulder you cry on,
The dose that you die on.
I… I can be your painkiller… killer… killer.
Painkiller."
The door then opened—how could she have forgotten to lock it?—and she quickly threw her skirt back over her legs and hugged them to her chest as she shouted, "Elsa, get out! Get out!"
Elsa quickly apologized before exiting and shutting the door.
The princess thought that maybe she hadn't been found out, but then the door burst open once more and she quickly hid the letter opener behind her back while shouting, "Elsa, get out!"
The queen ignored her and quickly marched up to her, standing right in front of her, and sternly asked, "Anna, what were you doing just now?"
Hugging her legs closer to her chest with one hand and gripping the letter opener more tightly in the hand hidden behind her back, the younger sister anxiously replied, "I-I wasn't doing anything, Elsa, just leave me alone."
The Snow Queen didn't buy it. "Please, don't lie to me, Anna," she seemed to plead… almost as if she already knew, or at least suspected.
Anna didn't know how to reply… so she didn't. She just hid her face in her knees as shame overtook her once more. Little did she know that the blood from her cuts began to bleed through her dress, which instantly caught her sister's attention.
"Anna Helga Landvik," the older sister began both with seriousness and with dread, "show me what you were doing this instant."
The princess knew that the jig was up when her sister used her full name. Squeezing her eyes shut, not wanting to see her sibling's reaction—and squeezing out another tear while she was at it—she brought the bloody letter opener out from behind her back and slowly drew the hem of her dress up to her knees.
What Elsa saw caused her heart to break for her sister for the umpteenth time.
All over Anna's legs, from her ankles to her knees, were numerous crisscrossing scars. Some were long, others were shorter, some were shallow, others were deeper… and some were fresh.
Elsa's suspicions had been confirmed.
Snowflakes began to fall as the queen's jaw dropped before she looked up at her sister's face, the hurt evident in her voice as she murmured, "Oh, Anna…"
Squeezing her eyes more tightly closed, the princess whimpered as she suspected that she was about to be scolded, but was surprised when she felt her sister's arms wrap securely around her shoulders. She opened her eyes, and sure enough, Elsa was holding her in her arms, not caring that the blood was probably going to stain her own dress as well. For a few moments, she just sat there, shocked and confused and not knowing what to do, before tears started to prick at her eyes. Finally, a sob tore from Anna's throat and she dropped the letter opener before burying her face in the queen's shoulder as she returned the embrace. Elsa just stroked her hair and ran one hand up and down her little sister's back as she quietly cried with her. As the two wept, snow began to collect on their hair and shoulders.
"I'm—I'm sorry, Elsa," the princess sobbed into the queen's shoulder, gripping fabric of the blonde's dress at the shoulder blades tightly in her hands.
"Shhh," the older sister cooed as she cradled the young woman's head with one hand and continued to rub her back to try and soothe her. "It's okay, Anna, I've got you. Let it out." Tears silently trekked down her cheeks as her voice began to break. "I've got you."
At length, the older sibling pulled away slightly and tearfully asked, "Do you have any bandages that I can use to patch you up?"
The younger sibling nodded.
"Where are they?"
Anna pointed to under the bed.
Elsa retrieved the box of bandages form under the bed and proceeded to tend to Anna's cuts. She even put a thin layer of ice over the bandages to help the pain and bleeding to stop. The princess's shame was so great that she didn't dare meet her sister's gaze the entire time her wounds were tended to, but instead, timidly traced her index finger through the snow that was gathering on the quilt.
"Would you like to change into a clean dress?" the queen asked, motioning to the blood stains in the green fabric.
Anna shook her head.
"What would you like to do?"
The younger girl squeezed the snow that she had gathered into her fist before murmuring, "I just wanna lie down."
"Okay."
Anna hoisted her newly bandaged legs onto the snow-dusted bed and scooted towards the middle while Elsa put away the bandages and moved the letter opener to the nightstand. Once she was finished, the queen solemnly looked over at where her little sister lay with her back to her. Heaving a sorrow filled sigh, she climbed onto the bed as well, wrapping one arm under and around Anna's shoulders and the other around her waist, pulling her close. Brow still furrowed with worry, she nuzzled her face into the back of Anna's head before pressing a kiss there.
"Hi," she whispered into her red hair.
"'Hi,' me?" Anna murmured back.
"How long have you been doing this?" Elsa softly asked.
"Since I was fourteen," the princess replied with more than slight trepidation in her voice.
She's been doing this to herself for four years? the queen thought to herself. "Why did you start doing it?"
"I felt… empty," the younger sibling began, "it was almost like I couldn't feel any emotions at all, or something. I couldn't entirely understand what it was that I was feeling, or not feeling, or should be feeling, and I still don't understand it, to be honest. I didn't know how to make that feeling go away and it just… drained me of all motivation to do anything at all."
Know the feeling, the queen thought to herself.
"After a while," the princess continued, "I began to do it whenever I felt guilty about anything… to punish myself... That's why I did it just now… To punish myself for making you upset."
There was no response from her big sister except the tightening of her arms around her and the falling of even more snow. Oh, Anna, the queen thought to herself, I'm so, so sorry that I made you do this to yourself.
"Are you ashamed of me?" Anna asked while trying to hide the side of her face in the pillows.
"Why would I be ashamed of you?" Elsa inquired with confusion.
"Because I've been doing something horrible to myself for years. And that's the thing, I knew it was horrible and wrong right from the start and I did it anyways. What does that make me?"
"Anna," the Snow Queen began, "I have a secret to tell you." Releasing her sibling's shoulder from her right arm's embrace, she used the other hand to roll up the sleeve and revealed many crisscrossing scars… and a recently applied bandage. "I've done it, too."
This time, Anna's jaw dropped in shock. Looking over her shoulder, she murmured, "No. You, too?"
The young monarch nodded.
"Oh, Elsa," the princess murmured with hurt in her eyes as she rolled over to properly look her sister in the face. "How long have you been doing it?"
"Since I was sixteen," the queen answered.
"Why did you do it?"
"The same reasons you did it."
Anna delicately traced the edge of the bandage on her sister's arm. "Is… Is this new?"
Elsa sighed. "Yes," unfortunately.
"When did you do this?"
"Shortly before I came in here and found you doing it, too."
"Why did you do it this time?"
"The same reason you did… to punish myself. More specifically to punish myself for yelling at you and upsetting you."
[OKAY, I THINK IT'S SAFE TO START READING AGAIN. AND NO, I'M NOT SHOUTING.]
There was a pause before Anna began, "Elsa, I'm so sorry that I annoyed you earlier and wouldn't leave you alone. I just don't like seeing you upset and I wanted to help, but I should've just listened and stopped trying to make you talk about things you didn't want to talk about. Can you please forgive me?"
"Of course I forgive you, Sunshine," the Snow Queen reassured while affectionately pressing her forehead against her sister's, causing the princess so smile slightly. "And I'm so sorry that I snapped at you and didn't see that you were just trying to help. I just didn't want to burden you with what I was upset about, but that gave me no excuse to yell at you. Could you please forgive me?"
"Of course I can, Elsie," the younger sibling replied with a smile before giving the queen's forehead a kiss, making the older sister smile at the show of affection.
"I think it's about time that I told you what was making me upset," the Snow Queen began while sitting up.
"Oh, Elsa, you don't have to tell me if it really makes you upset to talk or think about it," Anna began while sitting up as well. "I mean, I'm still curious, don't get me wrong, but I don't want you to think that I'm guilt tripping you into talking about it, 'cause I'm not trying to do that; I don't want you to talk about it if it'll just make you upset again… or even more upset."
"No, I think it would actually be best if I told you… especially since it has to do with you."
"It does?" the princess asked, half-shocked, half-curious.
"Yes," the queen confirmed. She then reached into her pocket and pulled out the letter that had been the main source of all her stress. "In order for you to fully understand, I think that it's best if I start from the beginning.
"During the meeting, it was brought to my attention that we received a letter from King Leif Ingolf Volkov—the king of the Russian province of Dom Volkov—and he explained in his letter that our grandfather, King Stamfar, stole land from King Ingolf's father—King Dustan Ulf II—when he slew him in the field of combat, and that our grandfather died before Prince Ingolf could do anything about it. The precise land in question that's being fought over is the northernmost region of our kingdom, called Kjempet Öm.
"When he ascended the throne, King Ingolf wrote to Papa—who had also been recently crowned—saying that he wanted the land back, or to at least be reimbursed.
"He gave Papa four options: he could either give all the land back, he could pay for the land in cash, they could go to war for the land, or have one of us marry one of his sons when we were grown, and thus, form an alliance between Arendelle and Dom Volkov.
"I was informed by the members of the council that Papa talked these four options over with them, and in the meetings that followed, it was decided that, first, we couldn't afford to give back the land since it has an abundance of silver mines, which we had already started using, and such a loss would cut our kingdom's finances and exports considerably. Secondly, we couldn't afford to give the land back in cash since King Ingolf's minimum offer was more than we could afford. Third, we couldn't afford to go to war since Arendelle has a significantly smaller population compared to that of Dom Volkov, and even if we could match Dom Volkov in numbers, all that King Ingolf would have to do would be to write a letter to the Tsar saying that he needed reinforcements, and the Tsar could send him more soldiers than there are snowflakes in winter. If one of us married one of King Ingolf's sons, however, then we would still be allowed to keep Kjempet Öm, there would be no war, and there would be an official alliance between our two kingdoms. So Papa chose that.
"Since I'm the oldest, it was originally suggested that I marry one of King Ingolf's sons, but since I was locked away due to my unstable powers at the time, Papa told the king that I had 'a sickness regarding touch, and that such an ailment would make marriage rather difficult,' and suggested that you marry one of the king's sons instead."
"Is that really what Papa said about your powers?" Anna asked.
"According to the king's letter, yes," the Snow Queen responded while glancing at the parchment in her hands to make certain. "But I assume that Papa said that because he felt it wasn't a smart idea to tell King Ingolf of my powers.
"Anyways, in the letter that the king sent me, he said that it was originally arranged for you to marry his second son—Prince Rudolf—since his first-born—Prince Varg—was already betrothed to the princess of another land at the time. However, King Ingolf forgot that important detail in all the years of waiting for you and his son to both reach at least eighteen, and Prince Rudolf is currently married and awaiting the birth of his first child."
"Soooo the wedding's off then?" Anna asked.
"No," Elsa began in answer, "but it does mean that there will be a change of plan.
"King Ingolf has suggested that you marry his third and youngest son—Prince Torulf—instead, and that he's open to hear suggestions of any other possible changes of plan. He's even set the marriage date a year or two forward to give us time to work out any kinks in the agreement.
"Now, before I continue, I must ask you something."
"Sure, ask away," the princess replied.
The older sibling looked the redhead in the eye and asked, "How serious are you about courting Kristoff?"
"I'm very serious," the younger sibling answered earnestly.
"That's what I thought," the blonde commented before adding, "and that's why I suggested to the council that I marry Prince Torulf in your place so that you can court and maybe one day marry Kristoff."
"You would do that… for me?" Anna asked in astonishment. "You would marry a total stranger… so that I can marry Kristoff one day?"
Smiling fondly at her baby sister, the Snow Queen wrapped an arm around her shoulder and replied, "For you, Sunshine, I would do anything if it meant that you would be happy and safe. Even if it meant marrying the fiercest of monsters so that you can chose whom to marry."
Leaning into her sister's embrace, Anna could not help but smile she was so touched. Then a thought occurred to her. "Wait a minute, you said that 'You can't marry a man you just met.' What makes it suddenly okay for you to marry a total stranger? What if this prince is even worse than Hans?!"
"When you have the freedom and ability to choose your husband for yourself," Elsa began, "it is best to get to know the man over the course of at least a few months before you decide if you should marry him or not, but when you have no choice in the situation, you just have to pray that God will make everything work out. And besides, Prince Torulf is not going to be a total stranger when I marry him, King Ingolf said that he would allow at least a year for courting."
"But what if he's worse than Hans?!"
"Then he and I will sleep in separate bedchambers, I'll have Sir Alfred guard my room and Marshmallow guard your room, and he'll have no say in how this kingdom is run."
Looking at her sister with a dumbfounded expression, Anna asked, "You're seriously willing to do all this… for li'l old me?"
"Yes, Anna," the older sister repeated with a puzzled look as if she was answering the silliest question in the world. "I already told you, I would marry a monster if it meant that you'd be able to choose your husband and be happy with him."
The princess wrapped her arms around her sister's neck in a tight hug. "I love you, Elsa, thank you soooo much!"
The Snow Queen readily returned the hug just as tightly. "I love you, too, Sunshine, but don't thank me just yet. I still need to write back to the king and see if he'll accept this change of plan. And I'll have to talk the council into letting me go through with the rest of the plan."
"What do you mean?" the princess asked, pulling away to lean into her sister's side.
"Well…" the queen hesitantly began, "when I suggested it to the council that I marry Prince Torulf so that you can court Kristoff, they said that that would all be fine and dandy, except that Kristoff is a commoner, and royalty and commoners aren't allowed to marry."
"Aw, come on!" Anna exclaimed while throwing her hands in the air. "That scenario stinks when it's a plot device in stories and it stinks in real life! Come on, people, get it together!"
"I know it stinks," Elsa agreed, "but that's just the way it is. Hopefully it won't be like that for much longer."
There was a pause before the princess asked, "Is there any way that I can make this up to you, Elsa?"
"Yes, there is," the queen began. "Choose your husband wisely. Whoever he may be, whether it'll be Kristoff or some other man, all I ask is that you choose wisely."
"Oh, don't worry, I will," the younger sibling promised. "After what happened—and almost happened—with Hans, I am going to be careful as heck. I'm going to be the carefullest person ever!"
"'The most careful person ever,'" the older sister corrected with a relieved smile while ruffling the princess's red hair.
"Whatever," Anna retorted with a playful smile of her own, giggling at the feel of the cool fingers tickling her scalp.
Gently wrapping her arm around her sister's shoulders once more, Elsa gave the princess a sideways hug before placing a quick kiss on her forehead.
Leaning her head against her older sibling's shoulder, Anna smiled as she cuddled into the Snow Queen's side.
For several minutes, there was quiet between them as they simply enjoyed each other's silent company and watched as the snow that had piled up around them began to quickly disappear. Heaving a sigh, Elsa stated, "You know that… this," she motioned to the bandages that were peeking out from underneath Anna's skirts and the bandage on her own arm, "has to stop, right?"
Anna's brow furrowed in seriousness as she nodded. "Mhm."
"I understand that this will be a very hard habit for us to break," the queen continued, "but I want us to work together to stop it."
Anna nodded again, burrowing further into her sister's side.
"Remember, if you ever feel tempted to do this again, just come to me, and we'll work it out together, okay?"
"Okay," the princess replied. "And you can come to me if you feel tempted, too, okay?"
"Okay. And Anna…"
The princess looked up at her sister.
The queen gave her a small, sad smile. "I love you."
Anna gave a sad smile in return. "I love you, too."
In the silence that followed, both the queen and princess were thinking the same thing: It hurts me that she did this to herself… And I've hurt her by doing this to myself as well… I'm going to do my best to never do this to myself again… for her sake.
"Elsa?"
"Yes, Anna?"
"I want you to teach me how to do paperwork so that I can help you."
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
Okay, Mom, Dad, if you're reading this, I want you to know that I'm fine. Okay? I'm fine. Just because I write about characters being depressed and self-harming, that doesn't mean that I am depressed and/or self-harming. Okay? Okay.
If any of you, dear readers, have the… bad habit mentioned in this chapter… oh, boy, I could give a twenty page long speech about why you shouldn't hurt yourself, but if I did, we'd be here all day, and I know that sometimes a speech or a lecture doesn't really help. So I'm just going to try to keep this as short as I can, and say that if you are hurting yourself, please, stop. I will not sugar coat it, self-harm is self-mutilation. :-( If you won't stop for your own sake, then stop for the sakes of those who love you, because when you hurt yourself, you hurt them. It may sound like I'm guilt-tripping you, but I want you to take that guilt and instead of thinking, I need to punish myself for hurting my loved ones in this way by hurting myself again, I want you to think, What I'm doing to myself is hurting my loved ones. If it's hurting them, then I shouldn't do it. I know that it's hard, and that habits aren't broken overnight, but practice makes perfect, and every instant of temptation successfully resisted is a victory. A step forward. Even if you stumble and give in to the temptation, pick yourself up and try again. And if you're looking around and thinking that no one cares, I just want you to know that you are wrong. There are people who care. Who? Well, God, for a start. Even if you don't believe in Him, He exists, and He loves you very, very, very much. And I care, too. :-) If I didn't care, then I wouldn't be writing this now. So if you're struggling with self-harm… please don't hurt yourself. If not for yourself, then for me... Please? *Hugs.* :'-(
It's Christmas time, and the reason we celebrate this holiday at all is because Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was born. He became flesh and blood because He loves us more than we could ever imagine. Our pain just broke and still breaks His heart, and all He wants to do is wipe away every tear, if we will let Him. No one can say that He doesn't know what we're going through, because He became flesh and blood and experience pain, too. Not a single one of our tears—yours or mine—has escaped His notice, and none ever will. He wants to take all our pain away, and He will if we will let Him into our hearts to do so.
So whether you are struggling with self-harm, or depression, or anxiety, or PTSD, or autism, or ADHD, or etc, or even if you're not, I want you to know that you are loved far more than you could ever imagine, even if you can't see it, and I want to wish you all a very blessed Christmas and happy New Year. :-)
Thank you all so much for reading this chapter (or at least as much as you could). Please leave a review in the box below and tell me what you thought (or if there are any mistakes I made since this chapter was a tad rushed). Your comments are the best gifts ever! :-)
God bless you and your Christmas!
Sincerely, The Professor.
Edit: I own the following OC's: Sir Alfred, Lt. Borg, Lt. Frisk, Themba, Sir and Lady Bergman, King Ingolf, King Stamfar, King Dustan Ulf II, Prince Varg, Prince Rudolf, and Prince Torulf. I know, I know, it's a lot of new people to introduce all at once. (Yes, haha, the name of one of the princes is Rudolf... "Rudolf the red nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose-" I know... it's hilarious.) XP