Harry: …CKER! *sees everyone staring at him* Oh, come on. Like we didn't see this happening the second the cup spat out an extra name.
Dumbledore: Harry, get your ass up here.
Harry: I suppose it doesn't make a difference that I didn't put my name in the cup?
Dumbledore: You did now, and that's all that matters. By the way, you have lovely cursive.
Harry: I don't know how to write in cursive.
Dumbledore: You do now.
Harry: THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!
McGonagall: Look Potter, I believe you didn't put your name in the Goblet, so just come up here and we'll get this straightened out.
Harry: Finally, a rational adult *joins them onstage before heading through the side door*
*in the side room, Cedric, Fleur, and Viktor sitting around a fire*
Cedric: Oh, hey Harry, what are you doing here? Did they give the job of telling us the first challenge to our resident celebrity?
Viktor: Obviously not, otherwise I'd already know it.
Fleur: You're one of ze champions you idiot.
Viktor: NO EXCUSES!
Harry: As for why I'm here…
Bagman: *running downstairs and making a spectacle of his entrance* Can we believe we have FOUR champions?
Harry: …yeah, that.
Cedric, Fleur, and Viktor: …what?
McGonagall: Okay Ludo, we both know that's not official yet.
Bagman: But…but his name came out of the…
McGonagall: Oh, come on, we both know there's something nefarious going on here.
Bagman: …you don't know that.
Harry: It's me. When has something nefarious NOT happened to me?
Dumbledore: So, now that the four champions are gathered…
McGonagall: ALBUS! I already said that we'd…
Dumbledore: Look, I'm glad you lied to him to get him to come up onstage, but…
McGonagall: I didn't lie. I want to work out why the hell Potter's name came out of the Goblet when he obviously didn't put his name in there.
Moody: Obviously a powerful wizard, maybe a follower of Voldemort *distant thunder crack*, jinxed the Goblet, and entered Harry under a fourth school so he'd definitely be picked in hopes that he, as an inexperienced wizard, would be killed.
McGonagall: Hmm…strangely specific, isn't it Moody?
Moody: Well, my job at the Ministry was to think like a Dark Wizard so I could catch them, right?
McGonagall: I suppose it was.
Harry: And therefore I don't have to compete because I obviously didn't put my name in the Goblet.
Dumbledore: Like hell you won't, you're competing.
Harry: What the fuck? You just heard that someone's trying to kill me.
Crouch: There's no pressure for Potter to compete. We decided against putting a binding contract spell on the competing contestants, just in case something like this happened.
Dumbledore: Don't care, he's in.
Karkaroff: Well that's bullshit. If we knew we'd be allowed two champions, I'd have allowed one of my other worthless drones to compete so Viktor would have some backup.
Maxime: I am sure that Fleur wouldn't mind a zecond Beauxbatons student competing either.
Dumbledore: My school, my rules. Potter competes.
Harry: I suppose I could just turn up at all the events and forfeit when they start…
Dumbledore: And risk expulsion? I don't think so.
Harry: Wait, WHAT?!
Dumbledore: Oh yes, didn't you know? Not showing enough school spirit is against the school rules.
McGonagall: Sir, that's not a rule.
Dumbledore: It is now, because it's my school, and I do as I damn well please.
Harry: You are literally the worst person ever. Then again, I shouldn't expect any better from a guy who hired the president of NAMBLA.
Dumbledore: Harry, you know that's not true. Professor McFondles is only the vice president. Bagman, the rules.
Ludo: Absolutely sir *pulls out a piece of parchment* We want to test your daring, so we ain't telling you shit. This will take place on November the 24th, and you will be watched by all the other students, who will be judging you as harshly as possible. And all you get is your wands.
McGonagall: Don't worry Potter, I'll help you prepare for…
Dumbledore: Don't even think about it Minerva. Potter put his name in…
Everyone else except Bagman: NO HE/I DIDN'T!
Dumbledore: …so he has to deal with the consequences. Dumbledore out *apparates out of there*
Harry: Who the hell put him in charge of children?
Crouch: The Ministry thought it was a good idea at the time.
Harry: So did the people who elected Drumpf as a joke.
McGonagall: Okay, I suggest we all go to bed, and try and process what happened today.
Harry: And maybe figure out how to get me out of the tournament.
Bagman: Nope, you're in. Congratulations *leaves*
Harry: Fuck everything.
*heading back to the dormitories*
Cedric: Be honest Harry: did you figure out how to put your name in the Goblet?
Harry: Of course not. Why the hell would I?
Cedric: Don't worry, I'll always believe you about that. You've had enough people try and kill you so far, I figure you're not trying to do something else to put yourself in danger.
Harry: Thank God you're actually a reasonable person. Hopefully nothing bad happens to you in this tournament.
Cedric: Uhh…thanks? Well, I gotta go to my dorm *starts heading towards the basement*
Harry: Really? They put Hufflepuff in the basement? You guys really do suck.
Cedric: Hey, at least it doesn't leak as much as it used to *leaves*
*back at Gryffindor tower*
Fat Lady: Ahh, Harry. Congratulations on…
Harry: Balderdash.
Fat Lady: Hey, I'm just happy someone from Gryffindor got…
Harry: Listen, I didn't want this. I'm pretty sure the person who wanted this wants to kill me. Therefore, just let me in so I can go to bed.
Fat Lady: *sighs* Fine, but I wouldn't be expecting to go to bed if I was you *opens up*
Harry: *entering the hole* Why would you say…
Fred: There he is!
George: Alright people, make a line. Remember, one sickle for an autograph, five to shake his hand, and fifteen to actually speak to him.
Harry: When the hell did you have time to set this up?
Fred: When there's money involved, we find the time.
Harry: …I'm going to bed.
George: Ooh, excellent. Everyone that wants to…
Harry: STOP PIMPING ME OUT!
*in the dormitory*
Ron: Hey.
Harry: Oh, you're here.
Ron: Yeah, and wondering why you didn't tell your best friend how you put your name into the Goblet.
Harry: Ron, we both know I didn't. I am quite possibly in extreme mortal peril.
Ron: How'd you do it?
Harry: You know what? Can't deal with this shit right now. SECURITY! Someone's trying to get in my bed without paying!
Fred: *kicking the door down, wand drawn* HANDS IN THE AIR MOTHERFUCKING!
George: *handcuffing Ron* Trying to rob us hardworking people of their money? Despicable.
Harry: I still didn't agree to any of this, but whatever *goes to bed*