Harry: *waking up* Jeez, that was a weird day yesterday.
Colin: What was so weird about it?
Harry: Why the fuck are you in my bed?
Colin: I paid Fred and George two galleons to…
Harry: Son of a bitch.
Colin: So, can I finish what I was…
Harry: Make them give you a refund *shoves Colin out of bed*
*in the Common Room*
Hermione: Harry, how'd you sleep?
Harry: With half the house apparently. You don't believe I entered the tournament, do you?
Hermione: Of course not. Someone obviously tampered with the machine so that it would spit out four names instead of three.
Harry: I mean, it's a magical artefact and not a machine, but at least you believe me. Even Ron hates me.
Hermione: He's jealous that you're being pushed into the spotlight again, while he's still the sidekick.
Harry: Well then he can get himself a series of kid's books named after him if he wants to be a main protagonist. Unfortunately, I'm cursed with this shit for a few more years.
Hermione: Anyway, you should probably tell Sirius that you're competing in the tournament.
Harry: I should. Quick question: what will that accomplish?
Hermione: He's your only good family. He deserves to know.
Harry: No, I get that. But…he's a fugitive. He came back to England because my scar hurt. If I tell him about this, he's probably going to kick the door to the Main Hall down to see me.
Hermione: Do you really think he'd be that reckless? *Harry stares at her* Good point, but you should still tell him.
*in the school owlery*
Hedwig: *thoughts* Ah, master, you want me to deliver a…
Harry: Sorry girl, but people tend to get suspicious when they see a non-native owl flying around. Why they even sell non-native owls in England when they're trying to keep our society secret is beyond me, but still…
Hedwig: *pecks Harry* *thoughts* Screw you too.
Harry: Oh great, you're against me too? This is just fucking terrific.
*in the Great Hall*
Fred: *as Harry enters* There's our champion *entire Gryffindor table cheers, while the others are significantly less impressed*
Harry: Still don't believe me that I didn't enter?
George: Why would we do that?
Harry: I'm an apathetic, sarcastic asshole who hates everything and wants nothing to do with danger. Seriously, surviving a killing curse to the face before I could even talk was enough thanks.
Fred: But now you can get money for being in danger.
Harry: I have money. Lots of it. I could buy the country of Peru if I wanted.
George: You can get famous.
Harry: You're seriously trying to use that argument on me?
Fred: Killing Dark Lords is so last decade.
George: You need something fresh, something exciting.
Harry: That's not how that works.
*in Herbology the next day*
Justin: Hey look Ernie, it's the spotlight stealer.
Ernie: Don't look at him, he might try and make himself more famous off you.
Harry: That doesn't make any fucking sense. How and why would I even do that?
Ernie: No-one knows how you did it, we just know you did it.
Justin: And we know you did it so that Hufflepuff couldn't have the spotlight.
Harry: …Okay, I admit, that's a good motivation. Not that I…
Ernie: SEE?! HE ADMITTED IT!
Sprout: Settle down students, we can gang up on the spotlight stealer later.
Harry: Great, even the teachers are against me now. Other than Snape.
Hermione: We haven't even seen his reaction yet.
Harry: What do you think it will be?
Hermione: …good point.
Ron: Hermione, who are you talking to?
Harry: Oh good, we're doing this now too.
*Care of Magical Creatures*
Draco: Potter…
Harry: Okay, just get whatever snide remarks you want to say out of the way so I can retort with something that makes you go crying to daddy.
Draco: How dare you! I'm gonna… *realises what he's about to say and composes himself* Actually, I was wondering if I could buy some of Granger's badges for that thing no-one cares about.
Harry: *eyes narrowing* I'm gonna hate whatever you're planning, aren't I?
Draco: *mock offended* Why Harry, I've never been so hurt in all my life.
Hermione: Yeah Harry, he obviously wants to join this worthy cause. How many would you like?
Draco: How many have you got?
Harry: Hermione, you do know he used to have a house elf, right?
Hermione: And now he's seen the error of his family's ways and wants to make up for it.
Harry: Whatever. I just want you to know that whatever happens is ENTIRELY your fault.
*a few days later in Potions*
Draco: Check it out Potter *shows him badge saying Support Cedric Diggory - The Real Hogwarts Champion*
Harry: Like I said Hermione, entirely your fault. Though honestly, I was expecting far worse.
Draco: And that's not all it can do. Watch this *changes badge to say Potter Stinks*
Harry: There it is *pulls out wand* Time for a little trick I learned from Tom Riddle *changes it to say Kitten Sports*
Draco: How dare you *changes back to Cedric side*
Harry: Let me just fix that up for you *changes it to say Cruddy Piggies Proctor – Holographes Chairmen Twat*
Draco: *glaring at him* PROFESSOR! Potter ruined my thing.
Snape: That's detention Potter.
Harry: Of course it is.
Snape: And also for Weasley.
Ron: But why?
Snape: Because fuck you, that's why.
McFondles: HEY! No fucking the children. That's my job.
Snape: Get the fuck out of my dungeon.
Colin: Mr. Snape, I've been sent by Mr. Crouch to get Harry for a photoshoot.
Snape: I'm taking fifty point from Gryffindor for calling me Mr. instead of Professor.
Harry: But what you're saying is: I don't have to sit through this class?
Snape: *sigh* I suppose not. I guess I can poison you some other time.
Harry: Why the hell did Dumbledore hire y… *realises what he was saying* Oh, wait.
*upstairs*
Colin: I can't believe that I get to escort the great Harry Potter to his photoshoot for the Triwizard Tournament…
Harry: Hey Colin, are you particularly relevant for the rest of the series?
Colin: Well, no, not particularly, but…
Harry: Excellent *pushes Colin over the railing of the steps, then sees everyone else at the photoshoot watching him do that* Did I just get myself disqualified?
Bagman: Of course not. We didn't even hire him to do that, he just appeared out of nowhere and said he'd go get you. Seriously, I was going to go get you myself.
Harry: Damn it. So, can we just get this over with so I can continue trying to explain that I didn't put my name in the Goblet?
Rita: Oh, Harry darling, there's no need to be so bashful. We all support you.
Harry: Who the fuck are you, and why do my instincts tell me to hate you?
Rita: Rita Skeeter, world's sexiest and best journalist.
Cedric: Don't you write gossip pieces?
Rita: That's because there's nothing more important in journalism than gossip.
Harry: I would have thought being fair and unbiased would have counted more than whether Taylor Swift is dating someone new, but…
Rita: She's dating someone new? You must tell me everything *grabs Harry and drags him to a broom closet* Okay, let me just check my Quick-Quotes Quill. Ahem, Rita Skeeter, aged twenty two, super genius, extremely beautiful, and master reporter *her quill writes down everything she said, and continues writing the whole time*
Harry: Pretty sure you're at least twice as old as that.
Rita: *glaring at him* So, first question is: who is Taylor Swift?
Harry: You're the one who dragged me in here as though you knew who she was.
Rita: Look, I want to get the story on the Internet before anyone else does, I'll figure out the details later.
Harry: Is the Internet even a thing in 1994?
Rita: Is Taylor Swift?
Dumbledore: *opening closet door* HEY! I'm supposed to be the only one in the closet.
Harry: Say WHAT?!
Rita: *Quick-Quotes Quill at the ready and leaning forward in anticipation* Care to elaborate?
Dumbledore: By the way, they want Harry back for the photoshoot, and for an old guy to play with his wand.
Harry: For the love of God rephrase that.
Ollivander: Don't worry Harry, I'm just going to look at your wand and make sure it's developing correctly for a growing boy.
Harry: God damn it stop wording things like that.
Ollivander: Okay, first up is Miss Delacour. I dare say you've handled plenty of wands before.
Fleur: Actually, this is ze only one I've had *hands him her wand*
Ollivander: *taking her wand* Understandable. Play around with the wrong wand at the wrong time and suddenly you can end up with all sorts of nasty things in unfortunate places. Now, let's see…huh, Veela hair. Wasn't expecting that.
Fleur: It waz my grandmother'z hair.
Harry: You're part Veela? That explains why Ron was temporarily not interested in me.
Ginny: *watching from under Harry's Invisibility cloak in a darken corner of the room* So that's it. Okay, time to make sure she stays close to us.
Ollivander: *making a bouquet of flowers come out the end of the wand* Oh, well sometimes they go off like that, especially in the presence of beautiful young women.
Harry: This is gonna be the rest of the chapter, isn't it?
Ollivander: Alright, Mr. Diggory, let's see yours *sees Diggory's wand* Oh my, you polish this often, don't you?
Cedric: Every day sir. Sometimes twice.
Ollivander: Well, be careful with that. You don't want to accidentally make a mess.
Cedric: Don't worry, I cover it with an old sock just in case.
Harry: Do you guys even hear yourselves?
Ollivander: Okay, Mr. Krum, whip it out please *sees Krum's wand* Hmm…not quite as long as Mr. Diggory's, but certainly more girthy. Though I suppose living somewhere so cold is bound to cause some shrinkage.
Viktor: When handling a wand, I want the wood to fill my hand, so as to make sure I have a tight grip.
Harry: Jesus Christ…
Ollivander: And finally, Harry. Though I expect as the youngest you probably haven't worn yours out as much as the older ones.
Harry: Just stop talking *hands him his wand*
Ollivander: Ah, the spitting image of youth and beauty, unblemished and innocent.
Harry: *taking his wand back* Okay, this has gone on long enough.
Rita: Picture time.
Harry: Do I have to?
Rita: Come on Harry, you wouldn't deny a young…
Harry: Middle-aged.
Rita: …woman her request, would you? *realises what he said, and glares at him* Come on, shirts off, let's see those abs.
Dumbledore: Okay, one moment *begins taking off his robe*
Rita: NO! You stay clothed. VERY clothed.
Dumbledore: Then when am I supposed to have naked time?
Harry: There it is, we finally referenced Potter Puppet Pals. Okay, I'm outta here.
Rita: GET BACK HERE! Damn it, little boy. I'll get a picture of you somehow.
*back in the dormitory*
Harry: What else is even in this chapter?
Ron: We're doing our detentions tomorrow night in Snape's dungeon.
Harry: …is that it?
Ron: Oh, and you got a letter *hands him a clearly opened letter*
Harry: I thought tampering with the mail was a banishable offence *reads letter*
Letter: Harry, be alone in the Common Room on the 22nd of November at 1AM so we can talk – Sirius.
Harry: Yeah, because charging straight into the castle last time was such a good idea.