Harry: So, how do we make sure I'm the only person in the Common Room on the 22nd?
Hermione: Harry, it's at 1AM. Any normal person will already be in bed.
Harry: Right. But if they're not?
Hermione: I dunno, dung bombs?
Harry: Okay, you are pretty much the last person I expected to say that.
Hermione: Well, let's hear your brilliant idea.
Harry: …damn it.
Neville: Hey guys, are you talking about what I think you're talking about?
Harry: No Neville, we definitely weren't talking about sneaking an escaped fugitive who is actually an innocent man into the castle.
Neville: …that's not what I was referring to at all *hands them a copy of Witch Weekly, open on an article about Harry and the Triwizard Tournament*
Harry: *reading through it quickly* Well this is bullshit.
Neville: Yeah, I was getting a little suspicious when she said you cry yourself to sleep about your parents, even though we've slept in the same room for three years and I've heard nothing. I just thought the rest might be true.
Harry: Why would you think that?
Neville: …I mean, it's a celebrity gossip magazine. Why would someone lie in…
Harry: I'm going to stop you right there. I'm going to ask you to rethink every word you just said, and tell me why you would think that.
Neville: Are you saying that gossip magazines are fake journalism?
Harry: Neville, these magazines claim someone's pregnant with photos where their shirt is folded in a way to make them look slightly fatter. Including for men. Anyone who gives much credit to them is a Grade A idiot.
Draco: Cry yourself to sleep lately Potter?
Harry: Wow, did NOT think you would willingly want to fall into the same category as Neville.
Draco: Oh, I don't believe a word of it. I just want stuff to mock you about. Now tell me, is it true you and Granger are an item?
Harry: That is…
Hermione: *quickly covering Harry's mouth* …absolutely true. He's getting laid and you're not. Let that sink in.
Draco: I… *tries to think of a comeback for that*
Harry: Why would you say that?
Hermione: Because Malfoy's reaction is hilarious to me. Plus, it's what J. K. Rowling always wanted.
Harry: But is what she says REALLY canon? Besides, I'm more concerned about that *points at Ron, who heard what she just said*
Ron: You're with her now? Does our time together mean nothing to you?
Harry: No it doesn't. Whatcha gonna do about it?
Ron: FUCK YOU HARRY! *runs away crying*
Harry: I think he means literally, but I can't be sure. Anyway, why does it say we're a couple?
Hermione: It says one of your close friends said it was true.
Harry: But you only said it about ninety seconds ago.
Colin: Hi Harry. Did you like what I said in the article?
Harry: Why are you alive?
Hermione: Thank you for your description Colin, but next time could you ask before you talk about me and Harry's relationship?
Harry: Why are you playing along with this?
Hermione: Because having a celebrity boyfriend will hopefully bring S.P.E.W. membership up. So far I've only managed to bully Neville into joining.
Harry: Yeah, he's kind of a low-hanging fruit though. Besides, you still haven't even talked to the house elves about what they want, so your cause means nothing.
Hermione: Harry, I get the feeling you're not committed to this worthy…
Harry: I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm not.
Hermione: Come on Harry, make up with Ron. I can't afford to have members of S.P.E.W. fighting amongst themselves at this crucial formation stage.
Harry: If it gets me out of a group I don't want to be part of, then I don't care.
Hermione: Ugh, you're impossible *storms off*
Ginny: *watching from nearby* Hmm, so they're not as together as that slut's article suggested.
A beetle on the wall next to her: HEY! I take offense to…err, I mean…beetle noises?
Ginny: *grabbing the beetle* Nice try Skeeter, but I knew you were there the whole time.
Beetle: …uh oh…
Ginny: Don't worry, I'm not gonna crush you. Yet. But you are going to work for me in exchange for me not doing that. Doesn't that sound like a good deal?
Beetle: Why do I feel like I don't have a choice in the matter?
Ginny: There's a good beetle *leaves*
*next week, right before a Hogsmeade visit*
Harry: Finally, I get to go to Hogsmeade without sneaking there under the Invisibility Cloak.
McGonagall: You did WHAT?!
Harry: You heard nothing.
Hermione: Okay Harry, we'll meet Ron at the Three Broomsticks…
Harry: No.
Hermione: But…
Harry: I'm finally rid of him. Do NOT ruin this for me.
Hermione: But you're best friends.
Harry: Nope, not making up with him.
Hermione: Fine, we'll just go to the only wizarding village for miles who probably all already know you and that you're a champion and will inevitably gawk all over you.
Harry: …you know what? I might just grab the Invisibility Cloak for old time's sake *leaves to grab it*
McGonagall: Why do we let him keep that thing?
*in Hogsmeade*
Hermione: This is ridiculous. People are looking at me thinking I'm talking to myself.
Harry: Then stop talking loud enough for people to hear you. Clearly that's the problem, not me making things awkward by being under the Cloak.
Hermione: Oh for crying out…hey, there's Ron.
Harry: Don't even think about…
Hermione: RON!
Harry: God damn it.
Ron: Oh, Hermione. Where's your new best friend Harry? Being a traitor?
Hermione: Ron, that's not…
Ron: Meanwhile, I'm hanging out with two people who aren't going to betray me. They're my new best friends.
Dean: We're not gonna betray you because we don't have enough page time to have much in the way of meaningful backstories.
Seamus: Check out my bulge *indicates strangely shaped bulge in his pants*
Hermione: What did you…
Dean: He stuck his dick in a Butterbeer bottle.
Seamus: No regrets. This just means someone has to tug on it until it comes off, and so will I.
Ron: We're on our way to Madame Pomfrey. Hopefully this is just the first of many zany adventures.
Dean: We figure it won't hurt our chances of becoming relevant characters. Anyway, see you later *leaves with the other two*
Harry: Can't believe he thinks hanging out with Seamus is going to bring his status up. The guy only has one gag.
Hermione: What about Dean?
Harry: His gag is being black, and we hardly even bring that up, making his running gag even worse. Anyway, now that Ron's gone, how about that Butterbeer?
*in the Three Broomsticks*
Hermione: Maybe I should try and recruit adults in the village to my cause.
Harry: Hermione, if Greta Thunberg can't convince adults to deal with something that could potentially wipe out humanity, I doubt you're going to have much luck convincing them to help creatures go against their own nature. By the way, have you spoken to the house elves yet?
Hermione: …I mean, it's on my list of things to do…
Harry: You can't expect people to follow a cause that impacts a group you haven't even spoken to about what they want. That should be done somewhere before Step 0 in executing something like this.
Hermione: But how else will they know it's a problem? That why people get Christmas banned in schools with a few Muslim or Jewish students. It's going to offend them anyway, so they might as well pre-empt it.
Harry: How the hell are you one of the smartest students at this school?
Moody: Hello Mr. Potter.
Harry: Oh, hi Professor Moo…wait, I'm under the Invisibility Cloak, right?
Moody: Special eye, Potter. I can see everything *as he said everything, his eye rolled to the back of his head and back to the front*
Harry: Of course you had to make that creepy.
Moody: I was just telling my good friend Hagrid here about your first challenge.
Hermione: You two are friends?
Hagrid: We are noo, since 'e told me what the firs' challenge is. Oh, it's gonna be a good un'.
Harry: Great, what is it?
Hagrid: I can' tell ya tha' *yawns loudly, and slams his hand down on the table, and very obviously leaves a piece of paper there* Well, see yah tonight 'arry *leaves with Moody*
Harry: He realises that most of the pub just saw him do that, right? *reads note* Meet me tonight at my hut, around midnight. And bring the cloak. Don't want anyone figuring out what we're up to.
Hermione: At least he was subtle about giving you the note.
Harry: We have VERY different definitions of subtle. But now I have to meet Hagrid AND Sirius in the same night.
Hermione: Oh, dear, you get to meet with two father figures in one night who want to help you with the thing that's going to kill you.
Harry: You really are no help today, are you?
*that night*
Ron: Where are you going?
Harry: *putting on Invisibility Cloak* Oh, you suddenly care, do you?
Ron: Pfft, no. I'll be the main character with my new best friends any day now, you'll see.
Seamus: Guys, I got my dick stuck on the fireplace.
Dean: Dude, the fucking fire's still lit.
Seamus: But there were two logs stacked to look vaguely like a butt.
Dean: Fucking white people.
Ron: See, we're already on another zany adventure. I'll see you later *leaves with the other two*
Harry: I mean, it's just the same zany adventure as before, but whatever *leaves*
*Hagrid's Hut*
Harry: Hagrid, are you still here?
Hagrid: *opening door, pointing a shotgun* I don't want any.
Harry: Hagrid, it's me. Harry.
Hagrid: 'arry? But you're invisible. Oh no, yeh're not a ghos', are yeh?
Harry: Sure, why not? Now hurry up and show me what you wanted to show me, I have to go meet a serial killer.
Hagrid: Is that who killed yeh?
Harry: Look, whatever advances this plot. For Christ's sake, there's thirty seven chapters in this book, we're in chapter nineteen, and we haven't even got to the first challenge yet. There are some serious pacing issues here.
Hagrid: Alrigh', this way Ghost 'arry *walks straight over to the Beauxbatons carriage*
Harry: I swear to God Hagrid, if you turn this into a date…
Hagrid: Hush Harry *knocks on the door* Oh Madame Maxime?
Maxime: Ah, Monsieur Hagrid. I take it you've already put the winged horses to bed?
Hagrid: A couple mighta taken a crowbar, but yeh, they're all asleep.
Harry: You've gotta be kidding me.
Maxime: What was that?
Hagrid: Jus' the grass. The noisy, noisy grass *kicks Harry in the stomach before heading off with Maxime*
Harry: *wheezing* Asshole *hobbles after them around the side of the castle, until he sees what Hagrid wanted to show him* Oh, you have GOT to be fucking kidding me.
Hagrid: Beautiful, ain't it?
Maxime: Dragons are truly majestic creatures. It gives me such a *makes a weird noise* warm feeling, if you catch my drift.
Hagrid: Oh, I know EXACTLY what you mean *starts kissing her, and they begin removing items of clothing*
Harry: And that's my cue to leave *turns to leave, and crashes into Karkaroff*
Karkaroff: Don't mind me invisible person, I'm just here to cheat for my student. The live porn is a nice touch though.
Harry: What the fuck is wrong with the adults in this series?
*back in the dormitory*
Harry: So, how is Sirius going to get in here anyway?
Sirius: *poking his head out of the fireplace* Right here buddy *sniffs air* Does it smell like jizz here?
Harry: Better not to ask. How are you doing that anyway?
Sirius: I've tied up a muggle family and they're watching me do this.
Harry: DUDE?!
Sirius: I'm kidding, I roofied them.
Harry: Not an improvement.
Sirius: But enough about me, how are you doing?
Harry: Well, I'm being forced to compete in a tournament that's going to kill me, everyone assumes I did it on purpose including Ron, Rita Skeeter is a thot, and the first challenge has something to do with dragons. So, same old same old.
Sirius: Harry, don't give up. You've got Dumbledore to prote…
Harry: He's the one who forced me to compete despite the obvious set-up.
Sirius: …you have Moody there, who's an expert in finding and defeating Dark Wizards. He'll get to the bottom of it.
Harry: He seems a little unhinged.
Sirius: Look, for every fake plot to kill him, he finds ten real ones. It'd drive anyone insane after a while.
Harry: …okay, that's fair. Now, the biggest problem is the dragons.
Sirius: Oh, those are easy. There's a very simple spell that I'm going to tell you that will make that whole ordeal a breeze. You better listen carefully though, because I don't want to repeat it. That spell is simply…
Ron: *from upstairs* Who's that? *starts coming downstairs*
Sirius: You didn't tell Ron you were talking to me?
Harry: He hates me right now, and will probably get you arrested for all the anthrax you sent him. But about that spell…
Sirius: Gotta go *disappears*
Harry: God damn it.
Ron: What are you still doing up?
Harry: Trying to figure out how to survive in a death game, no thanks to you. The real question is: why are you naked?
Ron: It was for our nightly make-up sex sessions until we're friends again.
Harry: See? The fact that I didn't know about them is EXACTLY why we're not friends.
Ron: STOP DENYING OUR LOVE! *runs away crying*
Harry: Fuck my life.