Hermione: So, what did you learn last night?
Harry: Well, the first challenge involves dragons, Cedric's currently the only champion who doesn't know about them, Karkaroff was a Death Eater which Kieran forgot to include in the previous chapter, and Ron has the worst timing ever.
Hermione: You're facing DRAGONS first?
Harry: Did you not hear the part about Karkaroff being a Death Eater? As in, the followers of the guy who tried to kill me? And is therefore quite possibly the guy who put my name in the Goblet?
Hermione: Oh, come on Harry, what are the chances that the guy who's villainous side is revealed halfway through the book is the actual villain?
Harry: Well, who else is it gonna be? Moody, the dark wizard hunter? That's a stupid idea.
Hermione: Look Harry, whether Karkaroff put your name in the Goblet or not doesn't matter at this point, since knowing that won't get you out of the tournament.
Harry: I would think a confession would maybe help me out a bit, but whatever.
Hermione: So, let's focus on the problem at hand: how do you get past the dragon?
Harry: Well, Sirius was saying there was a simple spell for beating a dragon, but Ron appeared before he could say what it was.
Hermione: Great, a starting point. If it's simple, we should be able to find it in the library.
Harry: You seem to be pretty accepting of the whole dragon thing.
Hermione: You mean the lizards they superglued wings to, and force-fed gasoline and a lighter? I'll be campaigning for them once I'm done with the house-elves.
Harry: I feel like animal cruelty should come before willing volunteers, but whatever.
*in the library*
Harry: Okay, let's see what we've got here…"Dragon Breeding for Pleasure and Profit"…eww, gross, why is this even here? "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" Who would ever be interested in that? "Men Who Loved Dragons Too Much" Jesus Christ, did Charlie write this?
Hermione: If he did, he might have a lawsuit from Gilderoy Lockhart, since it sounds very similar to his book "Dating the…"
Harry: I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING KNOW! Let's see what else we have here…scalping? Nah, World Cup's over, so it won't buy the tickets. Pepper breath? Nah, I don't want Digimon in this fanfic. Horn tongue? Why would anyone want that?
Hermione: Viktor Krum?
Harry: Hermione, I don't think I can convince him to be a meat shield for the task.
Hermione: No, he's back *points him out*
Harry: Oh…do you think his band of sluts are coming?
Slut 1: Where did he go?
Slut 2: He went in this weird room.
Slut 3: What's a…lib…rar…ee?
Slut 4: I don't know, but if it means we get to stare at Krum and giggle and gossip as loud as we want, I don't care.
Hermione: …and now I'm torn between leaving to avoid them, and staying and watching Madam Pince skin them alive.
*the next morning*
Hermione: Okay, was not expecting her to actually skin them, much less transfigure that flesh into a handbag.
Harry: On the upside, Madam Pomfrey is getting some practice with reattaching skin before I get mine removed tomorrow *sees Cedric walk past* Hmm…Hermione, should I tell him about the dragons, just so all the champions are on even footing?
Hermione: It would be the morally correct thing to do.
Harry: You're right *aims wand* DIFFINDO! *splits Cedric's bag* That should even things out *runs up to Cedric* Hey buddy, are you okay?
Cedric: Oh, hey Harry. My new backpack just broke. Really weird, since I even enchanted it with anti-ripping charms.
Harry: Uh huh, yeah. Anyway, our first challenge is dragons.
Cedric: …what?
Harry: Look, don't ask why I know, but I do, and so do Fleur and Krum, so I'm just evening up the playing field.
Cedric: Is it cheating to know this information?
Voice from outside: Charlie, what are you doing to the Chinese Fireball?
Charlie, also outside: You know I like my dragons a little exotic *as he finished speaking, a dragon is heard roaring*
Harry: I mean, is there any doubt at this point?
Moody: That was very noble of you Harry.
Harry: How much of that did you hear?
Moody: Only the last few words…
Harry: Then how did you know…
Moody: …luckily I learned to lipread with my special eye.
Harry: …shit.
Moody: Can I speak to you in my office?
Harry: Oh, gee, I'd love to, nut I've got to get to Herb…
Moody: I'll apologise to Professor Sprout for you later *grabs Harry and drags him away*
Cedric: So, uh, can someone help me with my stuff? I need to get to Charms. *no-one responds* Hello?
*Moody's office*
Moody: It was real sneaky of you, destroying Cedric's bag like that.
Harry: …I guess…
Moody: It was a great way to undermine the competition. But then you had to ruin it by telling him about the dragons.
Harry: Just didn't want to be seen being too good, you know?
Moody: Ah, balancing your good and bad karma, eh? I can support that. It keeps Lady Luck from thinking about screwing you over. But laddie, how do you plan on getting past the dragon?
Harry: I don't. The dragon's gonna kill me, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it.
Moody: That's not what I want to hear. I need you alive.
Harry: …what?
Moody: Err…what I mean is, how good would it look if I indirectly helped the great Harry Potter survive the Triwizard Tournament?
Harry: Considering that teacher interference is strictly prohibited, not good for you.
Moody: Nonsense, cheating is part of every good competition. Why do you think muggles have performance enhancing drugs?
Harry: They don't exactly approve of them.
Moody: But if I'm vague about the advice I give you, no-one can be any the wiser. So, all you have is your wand. What are you good at?
Harry: You mean, like, with spells? Well, I start off pretty much all the video games with Flipendo, but I'm not sure how that's going to…
Moody: No, no, I mean…
Harry: Then there's the Patronus charm, but that's not going to help either…
Moody: If you would just let me…
Harry: Expelliarmus might be useful, but what exactly would I disarm from the dragon? Unless it just takes the thing apart, which might be against the…
Moody: DAMN IT BOY! What skills do you have outside of spell casting?
Harry: Well, I'm Seeker for the Quidditch team, despite the fact I wear glasses and I need to find a fast-moving golden ball, often on sunny days where it can blend in very easily.
Moody: Exactly. That takes some serious talent boy, and that is how you're going to get through this competition.
Harry: But all I have is my wand, and I'm not allowed to have that during Quidditch…
Moody: Then make yourself not just have that. Do you get me?
Harry: Absolutely.
*later*
Harry: Hermione, I need you to sneak my Firebolt into the challenge arena tomorrow.
Hermione: Pretty sure that's cheating.
Harry: Yeah, and so's all the champions knowing what the challenge is. So, are you gonna do it?
Hermione: You could just learn the Summoning spell Accio.
Harry: I don't know, my way sounds a lot easier.
Hermione: Come on, I'm gonna show you how to make things fly at your head.
Harry: That sounds incredibly dangerous and stupid.
Hermione: So does going up against a dragon, now let's go.
*in an abandoned classroom*
Hermione: Now remember, just yell Accio and the objects should go to you.
Harry: A thought occurs: I'm practicing this so I can get my Firebolt for the challenge, even though it's going to be all the way at the top of Gryffindor Tower. But this practice is just across the length of a classroom. Just getting a broom from the school's lockup is going to be difficult, let alone something at the highest point of the castle. Hell, why do I even need a broom? I've got an Invisibility Cloak which wouldn't be too hard to sneak out of the school, why don't I…
Hermione: Learn to make these things fly to you, or I'll make them fly to you myself.
Harry: Right, right, how hard can it be?
*fourteen hours later*
Harry: Hooray, I got it. And it only took…where's the sun?
Hermione: *waking up* What? Did you actually manage it?
Harry: How long have you been asleep?
Hermione: What time is it?
Harry: Err… *checks watch* 2AM?
Hermione: About four hours then.
Harry: What's more concerning is I'M FIGHTING A GOD DAMN DRAGON IN ELEVEN HOURS AND HAVEN'T SLEPT!
Hermione: Yeah, you should do that *goes back to sleep where she is*
*lunchtime the next day*
McGonagall: Alright Potter, time for the…are you okay? You look tired.
Harry: I was up until 2AM trying to make sure I survive this.
McGonagall: You thought the best way to survive the most dangerous thing you've ever faced was to be sleep deprived?
Harry: It's not my best decision, I'll admit.
McGonagall: Try not to worry too much about it. If you die, I get to tell Professor Dumbledore "I told you so."
Harry: Was kind of hoping for a little more than that.
McGonagall: Like what? You'll be dead.
Harry: Yeah, guess you're right. Hey, if I do die, can you do me a favour?
McGonagall: Okay, what is it?
Harry: Use as much of my money as necessary bribe Fudge into clearing Sirius Black's name.
McGonagall: Umm, Harry? He's a mass murderer that wants to kill you in the name of the Dark Lord.
Harry: He's also my only family, and somehow still a better parent than the Dursleys. Plus, you've already agreed.
McGonagall: I suppose I did. Can I ask why?
Harry: Talk to Hermione, she knows.
McGonagall: Why do I feel like the answer is something that should be more widely known than it is?
*in a tent just outside the arena for the first challenge*
Cedric: Hey Harry, are you ready for today?
Harry: As ready as I can be. I had Trelawney saying I was gonna die today all yesterday, so I'm thinking my survival chance is at about 80%.
Cedric: Yeah, I don't take much notice of what she says either. She told me I'm going to become a blood sucking vampire someday. I mean, can you imagine?
Harry: Trust me, a lot of people can.
Krum: I wonder how long until the boy who lived becomes the boy who's deep-fried.
Fleur: You know he can hear you right?
Krum: Shut up Frenchy. Just have your white flag ready for when you surrender.
Bagman: *bursting into the tent* Hello, champions. I bet you're wondering what you're about to face out there, right?
Krum: It's dra…
Harry: *covering his mouth* …driving us crazy, all the anticipation.
Cedric: It's dragons.
Harry: Damn it man, we're not supposed to know.
Cedric: Oops, sorry.
Bagman: Oh, you saw us leading the dragons to the arena?
Harry: Err…yes, that is exactly it.
Cedric: No we… *Harry covers his mouth*
Bagman: Damn it, I knew we should have brought them over earlier. Oh well, shove your hands into this bag and find out which one you'll be facing *the four champions reach in and grab their respective dragon models* Excellent. Now, the number around their neck is the order you'll go in, so that we go from least dangerous to most.
Harry: *seeing number four around his dragon's neck* I shouldn't be surprised. I really shouldn't.
Bagman: So Cedric, you're up first, then Fleur, then Viktor, and finally, Harry.
Krum: It was nice knowing you Potter.
Bagman: All you have to do is collect the golden egg that these nesting mothers are guarding.
Fleur: You make it sound zo easy.
Bagman: It shouldn't. Dragons are fiercely protective of their young, and will generally stop at nothing to protect them. Honestly, you guys should be terrified right now.
Harry: I've just accepted death at this point. I know I've got three and a half books to go, but it'll be better if I just get eaten and burned right now. Possibly in the order.
Bagman: Well, good luck. You're gonna need it. And some kind of plan *leaves*
Fleur: Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't ze say they made ze challenges easier this time around?
Cedric: I believe they did.
Fleur: Then what ze hell were ze challenges last time if our first one is dragons?
*flashback*
Announcer: Alright champions, your challenge is to run in a straight line…
Champion: That doesn't sound so bad.
Announcer: While all the staff cast the killing curse in your general direction.
Champion: Wait what?
Announcer: Challenge begins now *huge green flash* Ooh…we might be in for a lawsuit or three.
*end flashback*
Krum: Who cares? No-one is going to stop me from crushing you puny humans.
Harry: Do you think you're better than us?
Krum: Do you think I'm not? *a whistle blows* What was that? *the champions go quiet, and after a couple of minutes, it sounds again* What is that abou…
Bagman: *looking through the entrance* Damn it Cedric, I told you, you can start at the sound of a whistle.
Harry: You said no such thing.
Bagman: Oh…well, you just lost points.
Harry: For what?
Bagman: Pointing out judge stupidity. Now hurry up and get out here Cedric *leaves again*
Cedric: Well, wish me luck.
Fleur: Be a good warm up act for me.
Krum: Please die.
Harry: Better you than me.
Cedric: …not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. Well, seeya *leaves*
*later*
Harry: Okay, Krum's out there right now, and from what I can tell none of them have died. I'm up next, and have the most dangerous one to face. Okay, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm… *hears whistle* About to fucking die. Well, here goes nothing *walks outside, and sees the Hungarian Horntail across the arena. Harry approaches it cautiously, holding out his hands to try and ease it* Okay, nice dragon, nice dragon, just let me grab your golden egg and… *dragon immediately throws a jet of flames at him*
*in the stands*
Draco: Yeah, go dragon.
Fred: TAKING ALL BETS! Will Harry survive?
Draco: Isn't Potter your friend?
George: And what kind of friends would we be if we didn't try and profit from his suffering?
Draco: Huh, never thought of it that way. Crabbe, Goyle, pay me to punch you.
Crabbe: Gah?
Goyle: Duh *hands over five galleons*
Draco: Wow, and I was planning to punch you once per knut you paid.
Goyle: Duh?
Crabbe: Gah!
*back in the arena*
Harry: Alright, moment of truth *pulls out his wand* ACCIO FIREBOLT! *nothing happens for a while* Well, shi… *suddenly, his Firebolt comes up behind him, aiming to fly between his legs, but goes a little too high* Why do I feel like I just dropped the soap?
Bagman: An interesting strategy: Harry is using his summoned broomstick as a dildo. Not sure how that's supposed to help him against the dragon, but let's see where he's going with this.
Harry: *mounting his broom* Alright, let's go dragon *takes to the sky* Okay, that should be high enough, now to circle back and… *sees the dragon hasn't left the nest* Oh, COME ON! *flies back down* In the movie you were far more aggressive. You don't want the movie to do something better than the book, do you? Especially that movie.
Bagman: His strategy has changed to taunting the dragon. Can't say it's a particularly smart move, since it's a FUCKING DRAGON, but whatever.
Harry: FLIPENDO! *blasts dragon in the eye with it. Dragon immediately turns its attention to Harry* Yeah, that got your…oh SHIT! *dragon takes off after Harry* FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK… *flies away from the dragon*
Bagman: The dragon is chasing after Harry now. What going to happ…
Harry: *flying through commentator's box* Sorry, coming through, don't mind me, just running for my life.
Bagman: What the… *sees dragon flying straight at him* SON OF A FUCK! *dives out of the way just barely in time as the dragon destroys the commentator's box*
Harry: Okay, should be far enough away now, time to just turn around and grab the egg *circles back, but flies a little too close to the dragon, getting knocked off his broom in the process* Uh oh *lands in the dragons nest next to the golden egg* Well that's not so bad *sees dragon flying straight at him* That's not *grabs egg and starts sprinting away*
Bagman: And Harry has got his egg and passed the first challenge, though for the last minute or so I've been wishing he didn't.
Charlie: Hey Harry, congratula…
Harry: *running past* KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT…
Charlie: Hmm…nah, I've got a better idea *slips a couple of pills into a bucket of chicken blood* Oh Mr. Hungarian Horntail…
Harry: *still running* KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT *crashes into Ron*
Ron: Oh, hi Harry.
Harry: *noticing who it was for the first time* KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!
Ron: Poor guy, he's still scared from the task.
Harry: No, I know exactly who you are.
Ron: Don't worry, I'll help you to bed, and the first aid tent.
Harry: Not in that order, right?
Ron: …maybe…
Harry: *heavy sigh* I suppose this means you no longer hate me then?
Ron: I've never hated you. I will always love you Harry.
Harry: That's what I was afraid of.
Dean: *watching this* Well, there goes our shot at being main characters.
Seamus: Oh well, I guess I'll go back to what I do best *starts walking towards the dragon pen*
Dean: Fucking white people.
Harry: Hey look, my score *Madam Maxime shoots a number 8 into the air from her wand* Probably took off points for falling off the broom and hurting myself *Crouch fires a 9 out of his wand* Again, I got hurt, so… *Dumbledore fires a 10 out of his wand* Of course, because he wants his school to win… *Bagman fires out a 4* Asshole *Karkaroff fires a 9 out of his wand* Wow, that's unexpected from him of all people.
Karkaroff: I just want to clarify, my score comes purely from the fact that you nearly killed Bagman. I would have given you a 10 if you'd been at Durmstrang, or if you'd succeeded.
Harry: I guess nearly killing Bagman was pretty funny.
Hermione: There you guys are. I just had the weirdest meeting with a couple of Durmstrang kids, who for some reason looked about fourteen and had English accents.
Harry: Is that even canon? Whatever, let's go *starts leaving when someone jumps out at them*
Rita: Hey, Harry, do you mind if we have a quick word?
Harry: I'll give you two: fuck off *leaves*
Rita: No, please, you don't understand, I need your he…
Ginny: *appearing from the shadows* What are you doing?
Rita: I'm…uhh…doing as you ask, milady of darkness.
Ginny: Really? Because to me it looks like you're failing *Rita whimpers* But I'm feeling a tad benevolent today, so I'll let you off with a warning. Don't you DARE fail me again *Rita just nods as Ginny disappears back into the shadows*