Ron: So Harry, what's been happening while I was hanging out with those losers?
Dean: *from a distance* Hey, you're the one who chose us.
Seamus: Hey Dean, did you know dragon farts burn?
Dean: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you white people?
Harry: Well, seeing as I'm probably stuck with you again, and that you might be a useful distraction from the next person who wants to kill me, here's the short version: Karkaroff's a former Death Eater, he possibly put my name in the Goblet, I just beat a damn dragon, Sirius is back in the country…
Ron: He's not getting his owl back.
Harry: …and that's about it. By the way, I'm borrowing Pigwidgeon.
Ron: What for?
Harry: I need to let Sirius know I'm still alive, and I can't use Hedwig since she's kind of suspicious here.
Ron: But he gave me it.
Harry: We have different ideas about what 'gave' means. Also, while we were talking, I was actually distracting you so that Hermione could send the message.
Hermione: Okay Harry, letter's sent.
Ron: Fuck you two.
Harry: You've unfortunately accomplished one of those. The fans are still waiting on the other. Come on, I think there's a party for me in the Common Room.
Hermione: Shouldn't you have been the first one there then?
Harry: My party, I show up when I want.
*in the Common Room*
Fred: Hey Harry, congratulations on the win today.
George: Especially since we convinced Malfoy to punch Goyle two thousand, four hundred and sixty five times because of it.
Harry: Do I even want to know?
Fred: Not really.
George: Hey, you want some of the stuff we snatched off Hagrid?
Hagrid: What do yeh me'n snatched? I lugged it up here to make sure you kids drink responsibleh.
Fred: Eh, same difference. Want some?
Harry: This seems VERY illegal.
George: So you don't want some?
Harry: I never said that *takes a glass of whiskey*
Seamus: So, a clue to your next task is in that egg, huh?
Harry: Yep.
Seamus: Have you opened it yet?
Harry: Not yet.
Seamus: Do you want to do it? Like, now-ish?
Harry: You want to stick your dick in it, don't you?
Seamus: Duh.
Harry: Alright, let's see how this goes *opens up the egg, only for a horrifying screech to fill the room, shattering all the glasses* OH GOD! *tries to close the egg, only for Seamus's dick to be in the way* DUDE!
Seamus: Maybe I can pacify it like this.
Harry: No you can't *pushes him out of the way and closes it*
Hagrid: Well, no sense lettin' good booze go tah waste *pulls out straw and starts sucking up all the spilled whiskey*
Harry: So…anyone know what the fuck that was?
Ron: Banshee?
Neville: Siren?
Dean: Susan Boyle?
Hermione: Well, we've got three months to figure it out. I'm sure we can work something out.
Harry: Yeah, great, now we have to wait until that chapter comes out in, like, January or something.
Hermione: Oh well. Hey Fred, how'd you get the food for this party?
Harry: Don't ignore my dilemma.
Fred: Oh, it was easy. We just went to the kitchens and asked the house elves for food for a party.
Harry: Why is he willingly giving this infor… *sees title of the chapter* Oh, you've gotta be kidding me? We're dedicating a whole chapter to this bullshit subplot?
Hermione: And how does one get into the kitchens?
George: Just tickle the pear.
Hermione: …is that a euphemism, or…
George: It can be if you want it to be.
Hermione: I'll take that as a no.
Harry: And as main protagonist, I've decided to skip this scene. Let's see what's next, shall we?
*a month later*
Harry: Holy crap, a timeskip? Why couldn't we do that to get to the first challenge?
Hagrid: 'Coz how else would yeh learn aboot the Blast-Ended Skrewts?
Harry: That is not important to the plot.
Rita: But do you know who is important to the plot?
Harry: Not you. You're just some random slut.
Rita: Aww Harry, don't be like that. I'll let you touch them if you give me what I want.
Harry: You literally just proved my point.
Hagrid: Hey, didn' Dumbledore banned yeh from school grounds?
Harry: Wait, really?
Hagrid: Well, technicaleh it was McGonagall. And it wasn't so much 'banning' as 'if I see yeh again I'll make yehr eyes and ovaries switch places'.
Hermione: That is…quite the image.
Harry: What the hell did she do?
Hagrid: She gave oot special 'favours' tah some of the kids to find out about yeh. But when McGonagall found oot…
Rita: You know, I'm standing right here.
Harry: We know. We don't care.
Ron: She even asked me, but I said no.
Rita: Actually, you said yes if I could make a Polyjuice Potion to make myself look like Harry. Speaking of which… *pulls out a hair*
Ron: Not anymore, bitch. We're friends again.
Harry: This man does not speak for me.
Rita: So, I take it you're not going to tell me what I need? Even though my very life could depend on it?
Harry: I think you mean your livelihood as a gossip writer, and honestly, I'll be happy if you go out of business or get fired anyway, so fuck you *leaves*
Hagrid: Don't worreh, that boy has always bin like that.
Rita: *looks up at Hagrid* Would you say you know him pretty well?
Hagrid: Well, not to brag, but I'm the one that took him from the wreckage of his parent's hoose after the incident, and took 'im shoppin' for 'is school supplies in 'is first year.
Rita: I didn't know You-Know-Who destroyed the Potter's place.
Hagrid: Well…
*flashback*
Hagrid: *riding in on the motorcycle at high speed* Don' worry 'arry, I'mma comin' *smashes through the front of the house, causing a fire to break out* Uh oh…
*back in the present*
Hagrid: Yeah, he was a real monster that one.
Rita: Right…so, what are these…things? They look like they have no mouth and two anuses.
Hagrid: Oh, these little things? They're me Blast-Ended Skrewts.
Rita: Hmm…you know, the Daily Prophet has a column each week about weird creatures. I could interview you about these…things, maybe talk a bit about Harry?
Hagrid: And why should I do that?
Rita: Drinks are on me.
Hagrid: You got yourself a deal.
Harry: *halfway back to the castle* Why do I feel like something bad just happened?
*that night*
Ron: Where's Hermione? She wasn't at dinner.
Harry: Judging by the title of the chapter, and the fact that it hasn't happened yet, I have a suspicion. Let's get back to the Common Room before she…
Hermione: Hey you guys.
Harry: RUN!
Hermione: *grabbing the two of them by the collar* Come on, I've got something to show you.
Harry: NO! I don't want to be part of this subplot.
Hermione: Well, too bad *drags them away*
*at the kitchens*
Hermione: Okay, all I have to do is tickle the pear…
Ron: NO-ONE TICKLES HARRY'S PAIR BUT ME!
Harry: Wrong type of pear, and please stop doing that.
Hermione: …and *tickles pear in a portrait, opening a door* Here we go *drags the two of them in* See Harry, I am taking my cause seriously.
Harry: And it's about time.
Dobby: Harry Potter?
Harry: What the hell? Why are you here?
Dobby: Dobby was getting bored of selling his butt to random wizards in Diagon Alley. Especially since some of them offered to pay him.
Harry: Oh, really? You mean you weren't even INTERESTED in making a living wage to support yourself, preferring to be abused and neglected and live in poverty?
Dobby: Indeed Mr. Harry Potter. Dobby loves the pain of it.
Harry: Hermione, did you hear…Hermione? *sees her talking to another familiar house elf* Is that Winky?
Dobby: Yes sir. Dobby and Winky were fellow elf sluts in Diagon Alley, until we decided we wanted to be somewhere warmer for winter, and so that Dobby could repay Harry Potter for his kindness in freeing him from the Malfoys.
Harry: And knowing that I'd be here, you never once came up to say hi?
Dobby: Dobby got here the day Harry Potter was to fight the dragon, so I assumed you'd be killed anyway. Also, Professor Dumbledore said that 'slaves should be neither seen nor heard and just get back to work'. Then he started talking about the good old days when they could use ni…
Harry: Dobby, you're not black enough to use that word.
Hermione: Well, that settles it. We need to make sure these poor guys get paid for their work.
Dobby: Hermione Granger, as I was telling Harry Potter just now, I don't want a…
Hermione: Hush, poor misshapen man. I will fight for your rights *leaves*
Harry: What did you talk to her about?
Winky: I just told her that I liked my job, and that I didn't mind that I wasn't getting paid since it was better than prostitution, and that it was curing my depression brought on by being fired by Mr. Crouch.
Harry: Well, Hermione's fucking deluded then.
Ron: Was there any point to me coming down here?
Harry: Wanna help me take some food for later?
Ron: *his pockets already bulging with pastries* Hell yeah.