McGonagall: Potter, Weasley, why aren't you paying attention?
Ron: We finished everything, so we're goofing off. That's how it works, right?
Harry: His words, not mine. Don't punish me for his idiocy.
McGonagall: Don't worry Potter, I won't be punishing you. You'll have to suffer soon enough anyway.
Harry: I already have to sit next to Ron. What more can you do to me?
McGonagall: This Christmas, we will be holding a traditional part of the Triwizard Tournament: The Yule Ball.
Harry: Pass.
McGonagall: You know that suffering I just mentioned?
Harry: Fine, I'll come in halfway through, pretend to dance, and leave.
McGonagall: Did you really think it was going to be that easy?
Harry: Can't it be? Just once, that's all I ask.
McGonagall: The champions have to start the ball off with a dance…
Harry: Well, I already moonwalked once in this fanfic.
McGonagall: …with a partner.
Harry: Do we still have that dragon lying around somewhere?
Seamus: HEY! She is spoken for.
Charlie: *poking his head in the door* Yeah, by me.
Seamus: Fuck you Weasley, she's my woman.
Charlie: Oh yeah? Bring it on kid *Seamus charges at Charlie, throwing him out of the classroom*
Dean: They do know the dragons were shipped off the day after the challenge, right?
McGonagall: Charlie should at the very least. He's one of the ones that removed the dragons.
Harry: And by removed…
McGonagall: Yes Harry, we know damn well what he did. Anyway, go get a date, or you're expelled.
Harry: I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO SIGN UP FOR THIS BULLSHIT! How is this even the least bit fair?
McGonagall: You want unfair? Do you think I wanted to leave the man I intended to marry because I'd lose my prestigious ministry job?
Harry: …what?
McGonagall: Everyone has a backstory Potter. If you weren't such an arrogant, apathetic asshole, maybe you'd actually realise it. Now, get yourself a date, something that shouldn't be too hard for someone who's just beaten a dragon and is famous for destroying the freaking Dark Lord.
Harry: …wow, that was…harsh.
McGonagall: Yeah? You gonna do anything about it?
Harry: Fuck no *leaves*
*the next day, in the castle*
Hermione: So Harry, who are you taking to the Yule Ball?
Harry: You seem to be under the impression that I'm going to go.
Ron: It's okay Harry, you can ask me. No-one's going to mind.
Harry: I'm not going to do that, because…er…
Hermione: It's traditional to go with someone of the opposite sex?
Harry: Yeah, that'll do.
Ron: Oh. Well, in that case, wanna go with me Hermione?
Hermione: No.
Ron: Oh, come on. You're…moderately attractive.
Hermione: What did you say?
Ron: I'm just saying, you're not entirely ugly, so I thought… *gets slapped by Hermione so hard that Hagrid thought he heard something in his hut*
Harry: I don't think you thought anything. But anyway, you turned him down because…
Hermione: I'm already going with someone.
Harry: Wait, what? When did that happen? It wasn't me making a lapse in judgment was it? *sees Hermione raising her hand* I meant as though I said yes when I don't even want to go.
Hermione: *lowers her hand* Damn right that's what you meant. And no, it isn't you.
Harry: Okay then. Congratulations, I wish you and him the best.
Hermione: You're not even going to ask who it is?
Harry: I really don't care. There's no-one at this school I'd care to… *sees Cho walk past* Err…what was I saying?
Hermione: You were about to disappoint a legion of girls about to ask you out *points out a bunch of girls waiting nearby*
Harry: Oh yeah *addressing the girls looking at him* Ladies, I've already got a date *girls look disappointed*
Hermione: No you don't *girls look interested again*
Harry: I mean I know who I'm going to ask *girls swarm around him* AND IT'S NONE OF YOU!
Girl: Aww, come on. Why not?
Harry: Because I haven't even met most of you.
Blonde haired Ravenclaw that keeps appearing: You'll meet me next year.
Harry: Look, just because you're the best character in this franchise doesn't mean you get to appear early.
Tall, fat girl: Take me, or I'll eat you.
Harry: I took on a dragon last month. Do you really think I'm scared of… *sees girl unhinge her jaw like a snake* …and now I leave *runs like hell, girls running after him* ACCIO INVISIBILITY CLOAK! *manages to outrun girls until it comes to him, then hides until they go away, and pulls off the cloak* Damn, girls are going crazy over this bullshit.
Cho: Hi Harry.
Harry: And of course I say that now.
Cho: Say what Harry?
Harry: Oh good, you didn't hear it.
Cho: Uh huh…you're weird. Well, see you around.
Harry: No, wait Cho *Cho turns around* So, uh, you know, there's this dance thing coming up, and…uh…well, apparently Dumbledore's going to expel me if I don't at least pretend to care…
Cho: Oh no, that's terrible.
Harry: I know, right? So uh, I don't know, did you want to…uh…you know…
Cho: Know what?
Harry: Oh, come on, surely you can figure out where this line of dialogue is going.
Cho: I haven't the slightest idea Harry.
Harry: *muttering under his breath* Son of a bitch *out loud* Would you like to go to the Yule Ball with me?
Cho: Oh, that's what you want.
Harry: Is that a yes?
Cho: No.
Harry: Oh, you're still deciding?
Cho: No, as in I'm already going with Cedric.
Harry: You couldn't just say that from the start?
Cho: It was more fun to watch you suffer. Well, seeya *leaves*
Harry: Fuck this whole situation.
*back in the Common Room*
Harry: *seeing Ron being comforted by Ginny* What happened to him?
Ginny: He tried to ask out Fleur Delacour.
Harry: I take it that didn't go so well for him?
Ginny: She claimed that she thought he was asking her to give him a matching handprint on his other cheek. All in perfect English, mind you.
Harry: Sounds about right. Hey, I'm surprised you haven't asked me yet.
Ginny: That's because I'm going with Neville. That's right, Neville. Doesn't that make you so jealous?
Harry: Not really.
Ginny: Yeah, I thought it…wait, what?
Harry: It's none of my business who you go with.
Ginny: Oh really? *gets up and starts leaving* Oh Neville…
Fred: Hey Ron, I know it's a bad time, but can we borrow Pigwidgeon?
Ron: He's currently delivering a letter to Si…
Harry: …some real pieces of shit. My aunt and uncle. Because I'm trying to upset them that not even a dragon can kill me.
George: Okay, well, when he gets back, can we borrow him? We're sending someone that anthrax that someone keeps sending you. That's okay right?
Ron: Whatever. Everything sucks. I can't get a date for the Ball, because it's impossible to ask a girl anything.
Fred: No it's not. I'm going with Angelina from the Quidditch team.
Harry: What, really?
Fred: Wait, hold on a sec *calls out to Angelina across the room* Hey Angelina, wanna go to the Ball with me?
Angelina: Sure, why not?
Fred: See, that easy.
Parvati: Hey Harry, you got a date yet?
Harry: Two questions: are you asking me? And have we ever spoken more than three words to each other?
Parvati: Yes to the first question, no to the second. So are we going together or not?
Harry: Look, whatever it takes to get this bullshit of a festivity out of the way *sees Ron moping still* I don't suppose Lavender would go with Ron, would she?
Lavender: Eww, why would I ever go with someone like that?
Harry: Yeah, I suppose pairing you two would be weird. So, who are you going with?
Lavender: Seamus.
Harry: Wow, can't believe Ron's sunk so low on the list that Seamus is beating him. So, do either of you know someone he can take? For some reason I actually feel sympathy for him.
Parvati: How about my twin sister?
Harry: You have a twin sister?
Parvati: Yeah, Padma.
Harry: Your twin sister is Princess Amidala? *gets confused stares from the girls* Oh, right, muggle reference. Yeah, ask her. It can't hurt his pride any more than it already has been *turning back to Ron* Hey Ron…
*meanwhile, in another room*
Ginny: *pushing Neville against a wall* He's not jealous. He doesn't even seem to care.
Neville: Wha…what do you think I can do about…
Ginny: Force him to see how jealous he should be. The Yule Ball is going to be a magical evening, or else YOU'LL have no BALLs *Neville whimpers*