Fred: Step right up and get your Canary Creams. Just seven sickles.
Harry: These don't have actually canaries in them do they?
George: No, of course not.
Neville: Yeah Harry, that's just stupid. They're called that because they're yellow like a canary *buys several Canary Creams and starts eating one*
Fred: Actually, we call them that because… *Neville is suddenly covered in feathers*
George: That happens.
Harry: Honestly Neville, I'd have thought even you would have figured out not to buy anything made by those two by now.
Neville: *suddenly moulting* But they looked so tasty.
Harry: Said every kid ever lured into the back of a windowless van.
George: We really need to make a version of this that doesn't leave the victim naked.
Harry: Actually, Neville just forgot to wear clothes today. Speaking of which, where's that Remembrall that you're supposed to use to remember stuff?
Neville: I can't remember.
Harry: Seems about right.
Ron: Harry, Hermione won't tell me who she's going to the ball with.
Hermione: I don't feel like it's any of your business who I'm going with.
Ron: Come on, I told you who I'm going with.
Hermione: I know, Padma Patil, who's going with you purely because she hasn't had a better offer.
Harry: Really, any offer would be better than what she's ended up with.
Ron: I know, the Patil girls must be disappointed that we're their only choices.
Harry: HEY! At least I've done something with my life. What have you accomplished?
Ron: I've been best friends with you.
Harry: Very liberal use of the word 'friend' there.
Hermione: Besides, Harry would fully support whoever I go to the ball with, won't you Harry?
Harry: I really don't care.
Hermione: Close enough.
Ron: Ten sickles says it's Malfoy.
Fred: I'll take that bet.
George: I reckon it's Viktor Krum.
Fred: Pfft, as if.
Draco: Yeah, as if anyone would take Granger to the Ball.
Hermione: Does anyone remember that spell Moody used to turn Malfoy into a ferret?
Moody: I can teach it to you if you want. Just don't tell McGonagall I taught you it.
Draco: Uhhhhhh…MUDBLOOD *runs away before anyone can retaliate*
Moody: Well, guess I'm hosting another game of ferret tennis if anyone's interested *follows Draco*
Harry: This should be… *Pigwidgeon flies in at that moment, skidding across the floor past Harry and Ron* Wow, Sirius actually sent him back *grabs the letter*
Sirius's letter: Dear Harry, good work on kicking that dragon's ass. Unfortunately, you have two more tasks, and if dragons were only the least dangerous…well, it was nice knowing you. Keep an eye on Karkaroff, and try not to die. PS, since the anthrax wasn't working, I covered Pigwidgeon in Ebola. Hope Ron likes it.
Ron: *rubbing Pigwidgeon's face against his* Say WHAT?!
Harry: Great, we're no closer to solving the mystery. Well, might as well get to the point of this chapter.
*Christmas Day*
Harry: Okay, let's see what today's gonna… *sees Dobby standing over him* WHAT THE FUCK?!
Dobby: Good morning to you too, Harry Potter.
Harry: Why were you watching me sleep?
Dobby: Cedric Diggory said girls like it when you do that.
Harry: First, I'm not a girl. Second, Cedric isn't even that character yet. Third, eww.
Dobby: Dobby also brought Harry Potter a present.
Harry: If it's your dick in a box, Ron already gave me that. Several times.
Ron: Guess what your present is this year Harry.
Harry: Is it your dick?
Ron: No, it's some dungbombs.
Harry: Oh, uh…thanks?
Ron: AND my dick.
Harry: GOD DAMN IT.
Dobby: And from me sir, you get these *hands Harry a pair of mismatched socks*
Harry: *sarcastically* Gee, thanks Dobby.
Dobby: And what did Harry Potter get Dobby?
Harry: You're assuming I got you anything *Dobby continues staring at him hopefully* You know what? Fuck it *opens his trunk and grabs a pair of old socks*
Dobby: Does Harry Potter really think I'd be satisfied with a pair of old socks?
Harry: Well, I…
Dobby: I LOVE IT!
Harry: Good to see you're happy with them. Now, off to give everyone else their presents. Not that I was ever shown to buy these things.
*later*
Harry: Or we'll just skip that and go to the ball itself.
Dean: How exactly did you two get dates?
Harry: The plot demanded it. So, who are you going with?
Dean: No-one yet. But I'm one of the only black guys in a mostly white continent, my natural exoticness will attract someone.
Seamus: Good luck with that. Meanwhile, I've actually got a date. And you know what happens after big festivities like this, right?
Dean: Dude, how have you got anything left there at this point?
Seamus: That's my secret. There's either nothing left, or it's incredibly hard. Also it's difficult to destroy, OH!
Ron: Neville's awfully quiet.
Neville: Your sister scares me.
Ron: Hey man, it's okay to be nervous before a big date. Just relax and you'll be fine.
Neville: That's not what I…
Seamus: Alright gentlemen, go forth and conquer *the others leave*
Neville: *looking down at his crotch* Well, it was nice knowing you boys.
*at the Ball*
McGonagall: Ah, Potter, good to see you actually decided to participate in the ceremony.
Harry: Like I had a fucking choice.
McGonagall: Yes, well, you and Miss Patil just wait over there with the other champions *points to where two of the other champions are already waiting*
Cho: Hi Harry, sorry I couldn't go to this with you.
Cedric: He asked you?
Cho: Yeah, but it's no big…
Cedric: Dude, I'm sorry. If I'd known you were going to ask Cho, I'd have…
Harry: Look, it's fine. I…
Cedric: No, it's not fine. I'll find a way to make it up to you, I promise.
Fleur: Hey, it'z Viktor. But who iz zat girl wit' him?
Harry: Can't say I know her, but then again I don't know everyone at this schooHOLY CRAP THAT'S HERMIONE! *George indicates to Fred to pay up*
Hermione: Hi Harry, fancy meeting you here.
Harry: I'm one of the champions! Of course I was going to be here.
Hermione: You don't think I'm a traitor or anything for going with Viktor do you?
Harry: I don't, but that'll be the first words out of Ron's mouth when he finds out.
George: I'll take that bet.
Fred: Pfft, that'll never happen.
McGonagall: Get the fuck out of here you two. Champions only.
Fred: We're just here to mock Harry for screwing up the dance moves.
George: You know he will.
McGonagall: Yes, I know, but you'll have plenty of time to do that once we actually start the Ball.
Harry: Fuck all of you.
*sitting at the table waiting for dinner*
Percy: Hi Harry.
Harry: Oh, you're here, are you?
Percy: Yeah, Mr. Crouch was feeling sick, so he sent me in his place. Plus, I get to announce the Cauldron Exhibi…
Snape: Mr. Weasley, I can assure you, as Potions Master at this school, not even I give a shit about that. I am, however, fascinated to see if Mr. Potter can survive being murdered in one of the challenges.
Harry: Of course you are.
Snape: In fact, if you do survive, I will doing something that I've never done before: awarding a house point to a house that isn't my own.
Harry: Wow, one house point. I'm sure Gryffindor will really appreciate that.
Snape: Of course it's only one. I don't want to get carried away. And also, I'll be awarding it to Ravenclaw, for no other reason than spite.
Harry: That'd be right.
Dumbledore: Ahem *tapping his wand to his plate* Pork chops *pork chops appear on his plate*
Harry: How the hell did the house elves know to prepare that in such a small period of time? And how bizarre can the meals get?
Parvati: You're not gonna test it, are you?
Harry: I've gotta, don't I? *tapping his wand against his plate* Umm…Fools Gold Loaf *the sandwich appears on his plate* I can't believe that actually worked.
Parvati: Great, now everyone's ordering weird shit *indicates the entire Great Hall with weird dishes*
Harry: *seeing a pair of woman's legs on Seamus's plate* Did he just order to eat out… *sees Seamus put his face between her legs* …yep. That's definitely not something I needed to see today.
Hermione: Harry, I'm extremely disappointed in you. Just imagine how hard those house elves must be working in order to fill these orders.
Harry: They're doing it extremely quickly though, so it can't be that bad.
Hermione: Dumbledore just sent his plate back because it didn't have enough jellybeans in it.
Harry: Sounds about right.
McGonagall: Alright everyone, I'd like to introduce tonight's entertainment, the Weird Sisters.
Harry: Isn't that a Discworld book?
Parvati: Harry, that's our cue to dance.
Harry: If you can call what I do dancing. But now, we're gonna see Kieran attempt to describe a dance scene.
*why the fuck would I do that?*
Harry: Or skip right over it. To be fair though, that was probably for the best.
Ron: But now people won't hear about how you tripped up Roger Davies, causing Fleur to be thrown into Cedric's back so he fell on top of Cho and tripped up Krum.
Harry: He started it. Though it's weird that they haven't moved his body yet.
Parvati: Come on Harry, we only had one dance. Surely you can't screw up that badly again.
Harry: I beg to differ.
Parvati: Ugh, you are the WORST! Come on Padma, let's find someone who'll appreciate us.
Dean: *sliding in* Hello ladies.
Padma: You'll do *lead him onto the dancefloor, Dean winking at Harry and Ron as he went*
Harry: Well, that's that problem out of the way.
Hermione: Hey guys, where are your…
Ron: TRAITOR! *Fred glares at him from across the dancefloor*
Hermione: Ron, Harry has already said he doesn't care who I go out with.
Ron: Krum's the enemy. Harry's just being too polite to tell you how offended he is.
Harry: First, didn't you get super excited when Krum first came here? Second, no, I really, REALLY don't care who anyone goes with. Hell, I can see Dean leaving with BOTH our dates right now.
Ron: Well…he's still an asshole because he's against Harry.
Krum: *standing behind Ron* That better be about Cedric.
Ron: Err…Harry, let's go for a walk in the grounds.
Harry: I didn't agree to… *gets taken outside*
*outside*
Harry: Why are we even out here? There's nothing plot worthy out here.
Ron: Look, it's Hagrid and Madame Maxime.
Harry: Oh Christ, I'm still horrified by the last time I saw those two together. Let's go before they…
Hagrid: *oblivious to the other two* So, which of yehr parents is the giant?
Maxime: How dare you?! *slaps him and leaves*
Harry: That didn't go the way I thought it would. But at least we didn't see them fu… *Dean, Parvati, and Padma fall out of one of the bushes in various stages of undress* …cking bullshit.
Dean: You snooze you lose, Harry.
Harry: Fuck this, I'm going back inside.
Ron: Harry, are you not worried about the news that Hagrid's a half giant?
Harry: I've literally never been less shocked by something in my life. Now, is there anything left in this chapter that's plot relevant?
Ron: Looks like Fred and George are talking to Bagman.
Harry: Nothing then. Good, I'm going to bed *heads back inside, but is stopped in the Entrance Hall*
Cedric: Hey Harry, do you have a moment?
Harry: I don't think I have a choice in the matter.
Cedric: Listen, about that favour I owe you…
Harry: You don't owe me anything.
Cedric: I can help you with the egg. Since you warned me about the dragon, I figure fair's fair, you know? Just take it to the prefect's bathroom and take a bath. The password's 'pine fresh'.
Harry: You know what? Thanks. You're a good guy Cedric. I hope nothing bad happens to you in this book.
Cedric: Pfft, like that'll ever happen.
*meanwhile*
Ginny: *holding out her wand* Harry didn't even look at me. Say goodbye to them *Neville cowers in a corner as the scene fades to black*