Hermione: So Harry, have you figured out the egg yet?
Harry: Uhh…totally.
Hermione: *stern, mother-like voice* Harry…
Harry: I mean, I've had a hot tip about what it is.
Hermione: Great. Go pursue it and figure it out. What was it anyway?
Harry: Cedric said to take a bath with it…
Ron: What's this about naked Harry?
Harry: I didn't even say naked.
Ron: I heard you say you were taking a bath, which is close enough. Which brings me to my next question: can I come?
Hermione: Ron, this is purely about Harry figuring out his egg, not about him taking a bath.
Ron: Exactly, we're just trying to support him. And the best way to support him is to…
Harry: NO!
Ron: …I was going to say hand job.
Harry: That's it, I'm going to Care of Magical Creatures *leaves*
Ron: Don't we have Herbology first?
Harry: *from far away* As if a plant is going to help me with the next challenge.
*at Care of Magical Creatures*
Grubbly-Plank: Hello students, welcome to Care of Magical Creatures.
Harry: Who the fuck are you?
Grubbly-Plank: *squints eyes* In my class, naughty little boys don't speak unless spoken to first.
Harry: I asked a perfectly reasonable question…except for the fuck part.
Hermione: Excuse me miss, but who are you and where is Hagrid?
Grubbly-Plank: Ah, an excellent question young lady. You see, we've…misplaced Hagrid, so I'm filling in until he comes back.
Ron: How do you misplace him? He's the size of a bus.
Harry: He's probably just passed out drunk in his cottage. Let him sleep off the hangover and he'll be fine.
Draco: Is that really what you think, Potter?
Grubbly-Plank: *casts a spell at Harry, Ron, and Draco* No speaking out of turn, boys.
Lavender: *without raising her hand* So, what are we learning about today?
Grubbly-Plank: An excellent question, dear child. Today, we will be learning about unicorns.
Harry: I saw a dead one once.
Grubbly-Plank: Of course you did, MURDERER!
Harry: I wasn't the one who killed it. Also, do you have any idea who I am? You remember Volde…
Grubbly-Plank: I know who you are Mr. Potter, and I don't care. Your mother did all the work in saving everyone, you were just the weapon. But does anyone acknowledge that? No.
Harry: …I mean, I guess, but still…
Grubbly-Plank: Now, everyone come up to the paddock here *leads class to a paddock with a couple of unicorns in it. Crabbe gets close to it, and a unicorn charges at him, stabbing him in the chest with its horn* Oh, I should warn you, unicorns don't like men particularly much.
Crabbe: *looking at his wound, unfazed* Gah?
Harry: He doesn't seem overly concerned that he's been stabbed.
Draco: Yeah, it'll be a while before he realises what's happened to him. Speaking of unspeakably stupid, I'm sure you're wondering what happened to Hagrid.
Harry: I was gonna say passed out drunk until you said that.
Draco: Nope, better *hands Harry a newspaper article*
Harry: "Dumbledore's HUGE mistake, by Rita Skeeter". Okay, I'm already sceptical of the quality of this 'journalism'.
Ron: But Harry, she's a famous reporter. How can she possibly be bad?
Harry: She's a gossip reporter. Nothing she says is accurate. By definition, it HAS to be wrong *reads to himself* Except the part that he's a half-giant. Which I'm pretty sure anyone who's ever seen him could have figured out.
Draco: Oh, wait until you get to the good part of the article.
Dean: It says here you were crying as you gave your statement about how terrified you were of the ponies he brought to class once.
Draco: …what?
Seamus: Yeah, says so right here, jackass *shows him the part where Draco was quoted*
Draco: Whatever, it's all fake news anyway *throws it away* Wait, did I just agree with Potter?
Harry: At least you've realised that no-one will take this seriously now.
Draco: You forgot one thing Potter.
Harry: Yeah? What's that?
Draco: People are stupid.
Harry: …Hagrid is screwed.
Grubbly-Plank: Excuse me boys, we're still having a lesson here.
Harry: We hear you, we don't care.
Ron: But Harry, we were the only ones other than Madame Maxime to be in that garden when he revealed he was half giant. How did Rita Skeeter find out he was?
Harry: Ron, he's eleven and a half feet tall. It wasn't a secret.
Draco: What's wrong, Potter? Worried that big oaf is scared to show his ugly mug again?
Harry: Not really.
Draco: What? Why?
Harry: This is Hagrid we're talking about. He's probably upset that Maxime rejected him, and is sleeping off a hangover. He'll be back, you'll see.
*several weeks later*
Harry: Where the fuck is he?
Hermione: Don't worry Harry. We're going to Hogsmeade today, we'll probably find him at the Three Broomsticks.
Harry: We better, because we need him to start teaching again. Wow, can't believe Hagrid is a better option for teaching than someone.
Hermione: I don't know, Professor Grubbly-Plank has been doing a good job so far.
Harry: Hermione, she outright refuses to teach guys. And while I don't care much about the subject, I at least want to pretend I'm interested, if only for the man who got me away from the fucking Dursleys.
Ron: Harry, are you implying you think he's your best friend?
Harry: I'm sorry, but did you ever rescue me from those abusive assholes?
Ron: Yeah. Twice.
Harry: …okay, good point. Let's go to Hogsmeade.
*at the Three Broomsticks*
Hermione: Wow, I'd have thought if Hagrid was anywhere, he'd be here.
Harry: People can get just as drunk at home as they can at a bar. Maybe we should try…
Bagman: Ah, Harry. How are you today?
Harry: Not in the mood for you.
Bagman: Great, I'll buy you a drink.
Harry: That's not even close to what I… *gets dragged to the bar*
Bagman: Two Butterbeers, please.
Rosmerta: Sorry sir, we're out. The supplier said someone broke in and drank all their stock. Honestly, who's ever heard of a brewery that runs out of booze?
Harry: I have a theory on that…
Bagman: So Harry, if you need any help with the tournament…
Harry: Are you even allowed to do that? You know, since you're a judge and all.
Bagman: Well, no, but that…
Harry: Well, as much as I should take this opportunity, I'm pretty sure I'll get expelled if I get caught cheating like this, so I…are those goblins?
Bagman: Yeah, I made a bet with them and, long story short, they're gonna take my thumbs if you lose. So for the love of God, help me help you.
Harry: You know what? No. This is far more entertaining.
Bagman: Uh oh… *runs out of the bar, followed by the goblins. Rita Skeeter just happens to come in at that moment*
Rita: Ah, Harry. What did Mr. Bagman want…
Harry: Yeah, not talking to you.
Rita: Please Harry, I need…
Hermione: Didn't you hear him? Fuck off, bitch. Come on guys, let's go see Hagrid *leaves with the other two*
Ginny: *emerging from the shadows* It seems you're not fulfilling your end of our little agreement.
Rita: I'll get him, I promise.
Ginny: You better, because do you know what these are? *holds out a couple of squishy looking balls* These belonged to a boy named Neville. *Rita whimpers as Ginny disappeared back into the shadows*
*at Hagrid's house*
Harry: Hagrid, open the fuck up *shoves door open, and finds Hagrid passed out on the floor with Dumbledore standing over him* What are you doing here?
Dumbledore: Some weird woman has been demanding a pay check, and saying that McGonagall would make a better Headmaster than me. Can you imagine?
Harry: I absolutely can.
Dumbledore: So to fix that, I'm bringing him back *waves his wand, and Hagrid wakes up*
Hagrid: Sorreh, got a bit depressed over Christmas and drank a brewery. What day is it?
Hermione: January 14.
Hagrid: New hangover pass out record.
Harry: So, you'll go back to teaching Care of Magical Creatures, even though everyone knows you're a half-giant?
Hagrid: Fuck yeah.
Harry: Excellent. Maybe next chapter something of substance will happen.