Harry: *under the Invisibility Cloak* Off to take a bath to see if I can figure out this egg. Better check that Filch or Snape isn't anywhere nearby on the Marauder's Map…what the hell? Turns around and sees Ron*
Ron: Hi Harry. How'd you know I was under your cloak with you?
Harry: I'm literally holding the Marauder's Map right now. I can see you.
Ron: But I'm under the Invisibility Cloak.
Harry: So am I. It doesn't hide you from people sharing the invisibility.
Ron: Oh…hey, you know what'll save you time when you're in the bathroom? Already being naked. Maybe I should help you with…
Harry: *pushing him out from under the cloak* Get the fuck out of here.
Ron: I'm just gonna come down there anyway.
Harry: Petrificus Totalus *Ron falls to the ground* Try it now.
*in the Prefect's Bathroom*
Harry: *in the tub* Well, here goes nothing *opens the egg, and it starts screeching* Yeah, no that did nothing *closes it again*
?: Maybe you should open it underwater.
Harry: Oh great, the only voice I wanted to hear less than Ron's.
Myrtle: *coming out of the tap* Aww, Harry, don't be like that *floats closer to him, as Harry tries to inch away* I just want to help.
Harry: Okay, can you help from, like, over there or something?
Myrtle: Aww, but Harry, don't you want to find out why they call me Moaning Myrtle?
Harry: This isn't a smut fic. And in any case, how the hell would that even work?
Myrtle: Well, you see…
Harry: I don't want to know.
Myrtle: It's all about how you get inside me, which is remarkably easy…
Harry: I'm going underwater so I don't have to hear any more of this *opens egg underwater, before going under himself*
Egg: Hey loser, we're taking your shit and dragging it to the bottom of the lake. Have fun getting it back within an hour.
Harry: *resurfacing* Fucking mermaids now?
Myrtle: Would you like to practice on a ghost first?
Harry: Get the fuck out of here.
Myrtle: Cedric took my help.
Harry: That's because I imagine he's too damn polite to say no. And anyway, I got what I came for…
Myrtle: You haven't come at all yet.
Harry: That's it, I'm outta here *starts getting out of the water, and notices Myrtle's eyes getting wider* Would you please just turn around?
Myrtle: Nope.
Harry: Whatever, I've got bigger problems to worry about *gets out and ignores Myrtle's squeals of delight*
Myrtle: You know Harry, you don't have to hide from me. I know you and your friends have been making Polyjuice Potion again. Bit of a waste when you flush it though.
Harry: You know there's a book for it in the library, right? God, it's like that's supposed to be important to the plot or something.
*on his way back to the dormitory*
Harry: Okay, no sign of Snape or Filch anywhere nearby…huh, Crouch is here. And in Snape's office, looking around. That's suspicious. Well, as long as my main protagonist instincts don't kick in, I won't find out what that's abo… *sees his legs carrying him towards Snape's office* DAMN IT! Well, seeing as my legs are in control right now, hopefully they don't forget the trick step that Neville always forgets *falls through trick step, dropping the egg and the Marauder's Map* SON OF A BITCH! Why do we even HAVE trick steps?
Filch: Who the fuck is out of bed at this time?
Harry: …shit.
Filch: And whose egg is this?
Harry: …Shit.
Filch: Wait a minute, this is a Triwizard Champion egg. And there's only two people in the castle who have those.
Harry: SHIT!
Filch: PEEVES! You're in so much trouble now.
Harry: Oh thank God.
Snape: Argus, what are you doing here?
Filch: I've got evidence of Peeves stealing from a student *holds up the egg*
Snape: Hmm…well, knowing Potter's lack of respect for the rules, and the fact that he owns an invisibility cloak…
Harry: Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.
Snape: I wager he's here somewhere. I'll look for him, while you go down to my office and see if you can find out who was going through it. Though I suspect I may have the culprit right here…
Harry: Come, plot convenience, do something for me.
Moody: What the fuck is going on here?
Harry: Not who I was expecting, but I'll take it.
Snape: Potter's out of bed, and someone's gone through my office. I believe the two are connected.
Moody: And what evidence do you have that Potter is out of bed?
Snape: Can you not see the big golden egg in Argus's hands?
Moody: And it can't possibly be Diggory's? Or someone just stole it from one of them and threw it down the stairs for some reason?
Snape: Because Potter has an invisibility cloak, and has a habit of sneaking about at night, so it must be…
Moody: My eye can see through invisibility cloaks. If Potter was here, don't you think I'd have seen him by now?
Harry: He's protecting me. Why is he protecting me?
Moody: Now, I suggest you go check who was in your office Severus, in case someone finds something you don't want them to find.
Snape: *glaring* Fuck you Alastor *starts leaving with Filch*
Harry: Thank fucking God.
Moody: Oh, and it looks like one of you dropped some parchment.
Harry: MOTHERFUCKER! *signals to Moody that it's his*
Snape: Wait a minute, I've seen that. That's Pott…
Moody: Accio Parchment *parchment flies past Snape and into Moody's hands* Sorry, it's mine. I was wondering where this went.
Snape: But…but…
Moody: Move along now Severus *Snape glares at him, but leaves with Filch* Okay Potter, I have no idea why you're out of bed at this hour, but it better be good.
Harry: Oh, you know, just…hanging around. And solving the clue for the egg.
Moody: Excellent work boy. Now, about this map…
Harry: You're gonna confiscate it, aren't you?
Moody: I was just gonna ask if you saw who was in Snape's office.
Harry: Huh? Oh, Barty Crouch was in there.
Moody: I see… *looks at the map* Well, he's not there anymore. But NOW I'll confiscate it. Seeya Potter.
Harry: Wait, I'm still stuck in the stairs. Hello? Hello?!