Hermione: Harry! Where were you last night?
Harry: I just had to free my freaking leg from the trick stair since Moody left me there.
Hermione: Oh…how about Ron? He said he was going with you.
Harry: Huh? Oh, probably still petrified outside the Common Room.
Hermione: I'll fix him later.
Harry: There's no rush to do that, honestly.
Hermione: Anyway, how'd your research go last night?
Harry: Yeah, I've gotta go and retrieve something from the merpeople at the bottom of the lake, and have an hour to do so. Not that I know how to swim or anything.
Hermione: Well, at least you know what you're doing. So, what's the plan?
Harry: Right now, it's just drown, but I assume you know a spell to help me.
Hermione: Nope.
Harry: Great, what is it…wait, what did you say?
Hermione: I don't know any spells for that. That would assume magic exists, which it doesn't.
Harry: Fine. What rational, non-magical methods do you have for me?
Hermione: None, but I'm sure we can find something in the library. Come on.
Harry: I'm gonna send a letter to Sirius first, since some shit went down last night.
Hermione: What shit?
Harry: Like, I don't know, Barty Crouch being in Snape's office, even though he's supposed to be too sick to come in. And Moody sort of implied that Snape was a supporter of Voldemort *distant thunder* Okay, why does that keep happening?
Hermione: Coincidence? But I doubt Snape is evil. He's just an asshole.
Harry: You sure? I mean, putting my name in the Goblet would be a pretty effective way to get rid of me.
Hermione: You're just saying that because he hates you. Come on, we've got research and letters to do.
*later, in the library*
Harry: Okay, I've sent my letter to Sirius.
Hermione: Did you tell him about the challenge?
Harry: …FUCK!
Hermione: Damn it Harry, we need every resource we can get our hands on at this point.
Harry: Why? It's not like you can't find anything in all those books.
Hermione: That's the thing. I haven't found anything.
Harry: Great, what have you found for…wait, what?
Hermione: I haven't found anything that will allow you to survive under freezing water for an hour short of stealing an aqualung.
Harry: Not to mention I don't know how to swim.
Hermione: Yeah, why is that?
Harry: I think the Dursleys were hoping something like this would happen.
Hermione: Of course they were.
Neville: Hey guys, I heard you needed as much help as you can get.
Harry: Nobody will ever be that desperate. Honestly, as if you'd know anything about staying underwater for an hour.
Neville: I might.
Harry: Fuck off Neville, you'll never be anything useful to the plot.
*the night before the challenge*
Hermione: We've checked this whole fucking library, and all we've got is a letter from Sirius asking when the next Hogsmeade visit is.
Harry: It's almost like they WANT us to die in this challenge.
Hermione: There must be something, otherwise the challenge would be undoable.
Fred: How do you know the challenge isn't undoable?
Harry: What do you two want?
George: Her. McGonagall wants to see Hermione and Ron.
Fred: And we already found Ron *turns around to see still petrified Ron on his back*
Hermione: Well, I guess I have to go with them. Will you be okay Harry?
Harry: I'm sure I'll find something eventually.
*3am, Harry is asleep in his chair in the library*
*9am, and Dobby is prodding Harry awake*
Dobby: Mr. Harry Potter sir has to wake up.
Harry: Huh? Wha…? Dobby? Did I fall asleep?
Dobby: Yes sir, and you only have half an hour to get to the next challenge.
Harry: …oh shit.
Dobby: Don't worry though, because I have something to help you: gillyweed.
Harry: …seriously? Two hundred+ books, not one of which says shit about anything like this, and you just pull that out of nowhere?
Dobby: Yes, now come on. We haven't got long.
Harry: And you're sure that will work for an hour?
Dobby: More or less.
Harry: Good enough, let's go. Oh, and next time, please don't wake me up by poking me with your dick.
Dobby: No can do, Harry Potter *leaves with Harry*
Neville: *arriving right after Harry had left* Hey Harry, I found some gillyweed to help you with… *sees Harry's already left* Aww, man.
*out at the challenge*
Percy: Ah, Harry, nice of you to actually join us.
Harry: Crouch is still saying he's sick, eh?
Percy: No, he actually is sick. There's a difference.
Bagman: Quiet Weasel. We have a challenge to start.
McGonagall: Potter, are you really going to go swimming in the lake wearing your school robes?
Harry: To be fair, I was asleep in the library until about half an hour ago, so…
McGonagall: You're going into ANOTHER challenge severely sleep deprived?
Harry: Well, it worked last time.
McGonagall: *heavy sigh* You're gonna fucking die.
Bagman: *using his wand to project his voice* Alrighty folks, time for the second challenge in this Triwizard Tournament. During the night, something was taken from our contestants, and given to the merpeople of the lake. It's the contestant's job to rescue whatever it is, and make it back within an hour, or suffer the effects of frostbite in the lake.
Harry: Yeah, why do we have to do this in the middle of winter?
Krum: Pfft, you call this winter? Back home, we have three blizzards daily.
Cedric: How on Earth do you people survive?
Krum: Because you suck and we don't.
Fleur: Screw you Vik, you're a jerk. I say we should Kick Vik…
Harry: NO! We are NOT getting in on that trainwreck.
Bagman: Contestants ready? If not, too bad, we're starting now *fires gun*
Harry: Well, here goes nothing *eats gillyweed* Oh Christ, this is disgusting…why can't I breathe? *touches his neck, and feels some gills growing there* So that's why it's called… *falls into water, notices his hands and feet are webbed now* This better not be permanent.
Fleur: For Krum's sake, I hope that isn't permanent either *points at him, now with a shark head*
Harry: Well, that's horrifying…wait, what are you and Cedric doing?
Cedric: Bubblehead charm, duh.
Fleur: Why wouldn't we use it? It's such a simple charm.
Harry: I've spent two weeks in the library looking for a fucking spell like that, thinking that nothing existed until less than an hour ago, AND YOU TWO KNEW A SPELL FOR IT?!
Cedric: Don't see how you could be unaware of it, it's a common enough spell.
Harry: Not in our library, apparently.
Cedric: Oh…well, seeya *swims away with the others*
Harry: This is some serious bullshit.
*later, deep in the lake*
Harry: Okay, if I was a mermaid village, where would I be? *sees something swimming through the weeds in the lake* Getting a real horror movie vibe right now *sees something moving nearby* Listen, there's no black guy nearby to kill first. Go away *is suddenly surrounded by Grindylows* Well, shit *Grindylows charge at him* Double shit *Harry tries to swim away, but the Grindylows catch him* Fuck off, assholes *Grindylows swarm him* I warned you *pulls out wand* RELASHIO! *jet of hot water blasts Grindylows away*
Myrtle: Well, I guess that's one way of doing it.
Harry: Myrtle? Why are you down here?
Myrtle: Making a cameo, of course. By the way, the merpeople village is just over there.
Harry: Are you even allowed to tell me that?
Myrtle: What are they gonna do? Punish me?
Harry: Whatever, I better see what's going on over there *swims away*
*later, in the merpeople village*
Harry: Huh, they're definitely a lot more human looking than I thought. Some of them even look like students…male students…
Merman: Welcome competitor. You have reached us first, and get to take your friend home *shows Ron, Hermione, Cho, and a young girl who looks like Fleur floating in suspended animation behind him*
Harry: What about the rest of them?
Merman: Well, their friends better come and save them, or else they belong to us.
Harry: *eyes narrow* In what way?
Merman: Sexually.
Harry: Including the little girl?
Merman: What's your point here?
Harry: Okay, definitely can't condone what you're planning then *pulls out wand and aims it at Gabriella's ropes* Diffi…
Merman: *holding a trident under Harry chin* NO! You only get to take one. The one who loves you most *points at Ron*
Harry: No, really, it's okay, you can have…
Cedric: *grabbing Cho while the merpeople are focused on Harry* Thanks for the distraction Harry.
Harry: …as I was saying, you can keep…
Krum: *steals Hermione in the same way as Cedric* Thank Potter.
Harry: …as I was sayi…
Merman: I know what you were trying to say, and if you don't take him, we'll drag you back down here and take turns with you too.
Harry: You realise that people need oxygen to survive, right?
Merman: Not our problem. You humans have been polluting the lake for centuries with your semen, which ends up in the fish and creates us. But do you, our PARENTS, ever come to visit? No. Finally, we can exact revenge on you.
Harry: Wait, does that mean…
Merman: Yes *reveals a young merkid who looks like Harry*
Merkid: Daddy?
Harry: That's it, I'm done with this *aims wand at Mermen* RELASHIO! *blasts Mermen through Ron's ropes, releasing him as he slowly started floating towards the surface* Damn it, I was so close *aims at Gabriella's ropes* DIFFINDO! *cuts her ropes, and Harry grabs her and starts heading towards the surface*
Merman: GET THEM! And stick things in their holes. They're supposed to follow the rules.
Harry: Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit *feels something hard against his foot* That better not be what I think it is.
Merman: Damn it John, stop trying to penetrate a human's feet. They don't have a hole there.
Harry: God damn it *turns around* RELASHIO! *blasts back several merpeople, before continuing to swim* Huh, it's getting hard to breathe…damn it, is that gillyweed shit running out? Eh, whatever. I'm the main character, and there's still three books. I'll get the surface at the last possible moment, won't I?
*about a minute later, Harry bursts through the surface of the water*
Bagman: INCREDIBLE! Harry's made it back to the surface at the last possible minute before his gillyweed ran out. And with TWO prisoners, no less.
Ron: HARRY! I knew you still cared.
Harry: No, I really don't. I, really, REALLY…
Bagman: Now, let's look at those scores. Ooh, it looks Fleur, who didn't finish the challenge, is in last place. Krum's currently sitting in third place, and Cedric and Harry are tied for first.
Harry: How the hell am I still in contention?
Bagman: We'll be seeing you guys on June 24th for the final challenge. Coincidentally, that's also about the time this fanfic's predicted to end.