Ron: …I coulda taken them, but I decided that, for the sake of the challenge, I'd allow Harry to rescue me *gang of girls 'ooh' at what he's saying*
Hermione: For fuck's sake Ron, you were a willing participant in the challenge.
Ron: She's just saying that because she doesn't want to admit she couldn't do anything to stop it.
Harry: Ron, I petrified you a week before we even knew what the challenge was. Fred and George carried you to McGonagall's office, and then they sank you to the bottom of the lake, where the merpeople were planning to continually mate with you and the other kidnapped people.
Ron: But that doesn't make sense. One of the captives was Fleur's eight year old sister.
Harry: That's why I tried to rescue her and not you.
Ron: See? You hear that? The great Harry Potter knew I'd be able to handle myself, so he took the liberty of saving the child. We're both heroes *girls 'ooh' again*
Harry: For fuck's sake Ron…
Hermione: All you have to take from this is: people are idiots.
Harry: Yeah, I know *owl post arrives, including a letter for Harry* Probably Sirius with his reply.
Sirius's letter: Harry, meet me in Hogsmeade during your next visit there. And bring a shitload of food if you could. It's not easy to steal enough for yourself and a hippogriff when you're an escaped convict.
Hermione: How is he even able to hide in Hogsmeade if he's a wanted criminal?
Harry: Did you forget about the whole animagus thing?
Hermione: Harry, we both know that's false. He's just got a really well trained dog that does stuff for him.
Harry: Pretty sure you've seen him transform, but whatever.
*later, in Potions*
Pansy: Hey mudblood, recognise someone? *throws a magazine in front of Hermione*
Hermione: Yeah, that would be me, in a gossip magazine, so already everything about it is questionable at best. What's more surprising is that you're dumb enough to believe anything in it.
Pansy: HEY! I am trying to insult you, and you will BE INSULTED!
Snape: Stand aside child, you're not a pro at insulting like I am *picks up the magazine* So Granger, you're into Potter AND Krum?
Harry: To continue with what Hermione was saying about people who believe gossip magazines…
Snape: Potter, I can insult you and remove house points. Do you really want to say what you're thinking of saying right now?
Harry: What does it matter? You're going to take off house points either way.
Snape: Hmm…fifty points from Gryffindor for assuming my intentions.
Harry: Was I wrong?
Snape: No, but want to make it clear to you who's in charge here. Speaking of which, I know you were in my office the other night.
Harry: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Snape: Don't lie to me Potter *puts a vial of something on the bench* Do you know what this is?
Harry: Something you consider threatening, no doubt.
Snape: It's called Veritaserum, though you might refer to it as Truth Serum.
Harry: Then why not just call it that?
Snape: Because the other name sounds classier. Anyway, three drops of this and you will tell me anything I want to know. You and your friends have been brewing Polyjuice Potion, which is why there's been boomslang skin and gillyweed missing from my stores.
Harry: Pfft, gillyweed isn't even an ingredient in Polyjuice Potion.
Snape: What was that?
Harry: Err, I mean, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Snape: *stares suspiciously at Harry* I see…
Harry: So, that potion will only make me answer questions you ask me about the recent thefts in a truthful manner, right?
Snape: That is correct.
Harry: Great, I have nothing to worry about, seeya *gets ready to leave, when Karkaroff bursts into the room* Or something plot related can happen.
Karkaroff: Severus, a word.
Snape: You do realise there are students present, right?
Karkaroff: But Severus, look *shows him something on his arm* Well?
Snape: Karkaroff, fuck off. You too Potter.
Harry: Already planning on it, since I really want to get out of all this main character bullshit.
*outside*
Hermione: Rita Skeeter is an extremely petty bitch, but I do have one question: the article mentioned Krum asking me to spend the summer at his place.
Harry: To be fair, most guys would love unrestricted access to Emma Watson for an entire summer…wait, was she legal in the film for this one?
Hermione: The thing is, he did ask that.
Ron: Are you saying that a gossip magazine got something right?
Hermione: Weirdly enough, yes. Especially since Rita Skeeter has been banned from the school.
Harry: She could just have an informant in the school.
Hermione: Nope, she's definitely spying on me because she's being extremely petty that you won't talk to her, and I'm going to prove it *leaves*
Ron: She didn't go that far from anyone after the challenge. Anyone could have overheard her.
Harry: Look, if it distracts her from the house elves, I don't care at this point.
*Hogsmeade*
Harry: Alright, keep an eye out for a shaggy black dog.
Ron: What about Sirius himself?
Harry: Ron, do you really think he's going to appear in person in a place consisting solely of wizards who want him arrested?
Hermione: Yeah Ron, he's going to send his helper dog.
Harry: I'm just not going to argue at this point *sees Padfoot* Ah, there he is *Padfoot begins leading them up a mountain path into a cave* Really? All the way up here? *enters cave and finds Sirius*
Sirius: Sorry it had to be all the way up here, I just wanted to keep the locals from seeing me in human form.
Harry: Doesn't your dog form resemble some kind of bad omen?
Sirius: That hasn't stopped some of the local children calling me Snuffles.
Ron: That's your name from now on then.
Sirius: Call me that to my face and you will send super Ebola in my next letter.
Ron: Well maybe you should give me my rat back.
Sirius: DUDE! Your rat was a MAN! And an evil one at that. The one that got Harry's parents killed, remember?
Ron: Oh…give me my rat back.
Sirius: Okay, I'm going to try talking to the smart people here. Did you bring the food Harry?
Harry: How would you and Buckbeak like an entire bag of chicken legs?
Sirius: Would we? *Harry throws him the bag, and Sirius starts stuffing his face with them*
Hermione: Harry, where did you get those?
Harry: From the kitc... *sees Hermione's face* Just...found them lying around *Hermione looks at him suspiciously*
Sirius: So, what can you tell me?
Harry: Okay, so starting at the World Cup: someone stole my wand and cast a pointless spell to make it seem like Voldemort *thunder crack* is back, and they framed Crouch's house elf for it, so she got fired. Crouch also didn't turn up for the game like he was supposed to, and has been extremely sick lately, even though he broke into Snape's office the other day. Also, Karkaroff tried to show Snape something on his arm.
Hermione: Not to mention Rita Skeeter has been sneaking onto school grounds to spy on me.
Harry: That's a probably unrelated and thus far unproven issue.
Sirius: These are some very concerning events, especially concerning Crouch. Not that I care about the asshole who threw me in Azkaban without a trial, but still…
Harry: Wait, really? Isn't having a trial, like, law or something?
Sirius: Not when the guy throwing you in prison is trying to get the Minister of Magic job, and allowing Aurors to use Unforgivable Curses if necessary.
Harry: Okay, how the fuck are you alive? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you are, but it sounds like Crouch should have executed you on the spot given what you were accused of.
Sirius: I know, right? Crouch was so against Dark Wizards he threw his own son in Azkaban just for hanging out with a few known Death Eaters, who were looking for their master at the time.
Ron: That's sounds like something that's going to be a problem for us later.
Sirius: Not likely. Crouch's son died in Azkaban back in '82, so there's absolutely zero chance he could possibly be involved in all this.
Hermione: So, if Crouch had such a hard stance against the Death Eaters, how come Fudge is the Minister?
Sirius: Well, around the same time that Crouch's son died, his wife died too, and all of a sudden people started realising Crouch was kind of an asshole and he lost a lot of popularity. How Fudge got the job is still a mystery to everyone, but whatever.
Harry: Still doesn't explain how and why Crouch was in Snape's office recently. Especially since he's supposed to be sick.
Sirius: Yes, that's a good point. If Crouch was still suspicious of Snape being a Death Eater it would be easier to spy on him by being here in person.
Hermione: SNAPE WAS A FUCKING DEATH EATER?!
Sirius: He was only suspected of it. He was only a known associate of some Death Eaters...
Harry: Like Crouch's son?
Sirius: …that bastard. Anyway, that's about all I know. The only way we can find out more is by finding out exactly what's wrong with Crouch. Can you do that Ron?
Ron: Not until you give me my rat back.
Sirius: Harry, can you forge a letter to Ron's brother?
Harry: Will do. Anything else we can do?
Sirius: Just stay safe. With Moody at Hogwarts, I'm not too worried, even if he is a paranoid asshole. Yep, extremely reliable, that Moody is. You should definitely, 100% trust him. Well, see you kids next time.
Harry: Why do I have a sudden feeling of foreboding related to Moody?