Harry: Now that we've sent that letter to Percy, time to give Dobby some socks as a reward for helping me.
Neville: You know, I also found some gillyweed to give you.
Harry: There is no proof that you've ever done that in any version of the story, now take your uselessness somewhere else.
Neville: One day I'll do something useful.
Harry: Good luck with that. Now, onwards.
Hermione: We're not going to have them make extra food as well, are we?
Harry: We need to send stuff to Snuffles, don't we?
Hermione: I suppose...
Harry: And if they're happy to provide, then I don't see why we shouldn't...
Hermione: Harry! As a member of SPEW, I think you should...
Ron: Hermione, you know that house elves like working, right?
Hermione: I mean, I guess it's possible to like the job...
Ron: And they're happy to do it for free, right?
Hermione: Only because they don't know about...
Ron: I'll take that as a yes. So, maybe if they just have good masters, they don't care about not making money? Did that thought ever occur to you?
Hermione: It didn't, but it does make sense.
Ron: So what are you gonna do about it?
Hermione: Try and convince them they need to earn a living wage *leaves to go to the kitchens*
Harry: That was surprisingly intelligent of you.
Ron: I was trying to impress you. Did it work?
Harry: Fuck no *follows Hermione*
Ron: Someday... *follows the other two*
Ginny: *watching from the shadows* Hmm...
*in the kitchens*
Dobby: Harry Potter is too kind to Dobby.
Harry: Look, you figured out something that literally no book in the school library had an answer too. And it's not even an illegal plant or anything, it's just a bit uncommon, so it doesn't make any sense for it to not even be mentioned, so I just wanted to say thank you.
Hermione: Hey, where's Winky?
Dobby: Over there *points out Winky, sitting in the corner drinking Butterbeer* I wouldn't talk to her right now though, she's a little drunk.
Harry: There's no alcohol in Butterbeer is there?
Ron: Of course there is Harry. Why would you think there wasn't?
Harry: Maybe because they serve it to children at the Three Broomsticks.
Ron: That's why Madam Rosmerta keeps erasing the minds of the safety inspectors, and why she's so popular with schoolkids.
Harry: Jeez, the wizarding world pretty much lets kids do whatever the fuck they want. No wonder kids love these books.
Hermione: Guys, focus. Winky.
Harry: She's fine *Winky falls out of her chair* Okay, whatever *goes over to her* Hey Winky, how are you?
Winky: Winky want to go back home.
Ron: But Winky, this is your home now.
Hermione: Don't you see Ron? Winky has Stockholm Syndrome. She's so traumatised by her time with Crouch that she doesn't even realise that he was abusive to her.
Winky: NO! Winky was a good house elf. Mr. Crouch even trusted Winky with Mr. Crouch's deep, dark secret.
Hermione: Oh? And what was that?
Harry: NO! The less I know about a secret conspiracy, the better. If I just keep my head down and hope for the best, maybe I can get out of this fucking tournament alive.
Hermione: Oh, for God's sake *stands up in front of everyone*
Harry: No, Hermione, please...
Hermione: Listen up house elves, you don't have to live your life in shame by not make a living wage. You can...
House elf: How dare you imply we should make money from our work?!
Hermione: I just think you should...
House elf: Get out of our kitchen.
Harry: Can we still get some extra food?
House elf: Alright, you can have eight loaves of bread, twelves bottles of orange juice, two bags of apples, a bag of potatoes, three wheels of cheese, a gallon of milk, an entire roast chicken, a tub of butter, two cartons of eggs, and three deboned salmons. But THAT'S IT!
Harry: I guess we'll have to make do. Come on guys, let's get this food where it's needed *leaves with the others*
Ron: But Harry, don't they know what they gave us is quite a lot of food?
Harry: Listen, we just got more food than a Big Smoke drive-through order. I think we'll keep this our little secret.
*the next morning*
Hermione: So, I decided to subscribe to the Daily Prophet, so that I can find out what Bitcha Skeeter's saying about me before the Slytherins tell me.
Harry: Fair enough. Hey, is that the delivery owl now? *grey owl flies in, but it's carrying a letter* Oh, maybe not *drops letter in front of Hermione* Mail from home?
Hermione: My parents have never written to me, much less by owl *opens letter* Oh, real mature.
Ron: Did Sirius mail anthrax to you too?
Harry: Why would Sirius mail anthrax to her? She didn't steal his owl.
Hermione: All I got was someone telling me to kill myself for two timing you and Viktor.
Harry: Hey, it's internet trolls before the internet was a thing. Or maybe it was in 1995, the author was only four back then so he doesn't know.
Hermione: It's okay, it's just one idiot *six more owls arrive* Or a few.
Harry: What are you gonna do about it?
Hermione: What everyone who gets trolls attacking them should do: respond to them as though they complimented you, and otherwise just be as polite as possible. They won't have any idea how to respond to that.
Ron: You might want to respond to that Howler before it explodes.
Hermione: Oh Ron, they're called letterbo... *Howler explodes, knocking Hermione over* On second thought, I think I need to be treated for a concussion.
Harry: I'll let Professor Sprout know where you are.
*later, in Care of Magical Creatures*
Hagrid: A'right kids, today we're learnin' 'bout Nifflers.
Draco: Those platypus looking things from those pretend Harry Potter films?
Hagrid: The vereh same. Now, you'll be lettin' 'em loose in that field over there, and they'll dig up some leprechaun gold.
Ron: Can we keep the gold?
Hagrid: Sure. It'll be gone in a few hours anyway.
Draco: Then what's the damn point?
Hagrid: Because I said so, and I'm biggeh than you. 'arry, where 'ermione?
Harry: Dealing with hate mail.
Hagrid: Pre-internet internet trolls attacking 'er now are they?
Harry: Yeah, they...wait, how do you know what the internet is?
Hagrid: Ah, here she is *Hermione arrives* Listen 'ermiione, if yeh're 'avin' trouble wit' those assholes, I'll beh happy tah sort 'em oot for yeh.
Hermione: Don't worry Hagrid, I've got a strategy. I'm going to be nice and polite to them, confusing them.
Hagrid: Killin' 'em wit' kindness then? Well, if that don' work out for yeh, my offer still stands.
Hermione: Thank you Hagrid, but I think we'd much rather you didn't go back to Azkaban.
Hagrid: I'd beh fine, I'm probableh still king there after what 'appened last time.
Hermione: I'm more curious how Bitcha Skeeter's getting her information. I'm going to investigate this.
Harry: I will literally pay you to focus all your energy on that rather than the house elves.
*around Easter*
Ron: Hey look, Percy's replied to us *opens letter*
Percy's letter: No, I haven't seen Mr. Crouch in months. Why do people keep asking this like there's some major conspiracy about it? Now if you don't mind, I have to write a report on why the Cauldron Exhibition was such a failure, and I have no idea why it was.
Harry: Well, that's not helpful.
Ron: At least mum sent us some Easter eggs.
Hermione: Why are mine a fifth the size of yours?
Ron: Because my mum reads Rita Skeeter's articles.
Hermione: Who's Rira Skeeter? I know no-one by that name.
Ron: How could you not know her? She's the one who's been writing those awful things about you.
Hermione: No, that's Bitcha Skeeter. There's no-one named Rita Skeeter *sees something on a nearby wall* That beetle seemed a little irritated when I said Bitcha Skeeter *beetle freaks out again* Eh, whatever, let's go *leaves with the other two*
Ginny: *emerging from the shadows* What have I told you about harassing Hermione?
Rita: *changing back into a human* I swear, it's part of my master plan.
Ginny: Oh really? Explain it to me.
Rita: It's all part of keeping my cover as a gossip writer. Turn as many people against her as possible, until the only person she can turn to is Harry. Then, they'll open up to each other, I'll find out what kind of girls Harry likes, and pass the information on to you, oh sinister one.
Ginny: *glares at her* I don't like this plan *Rita winces* But I'll let you proceed for the moment, since I haven't got any other pieces on the board. Just remember, I have uses for Hermione, and if something should happen to her, you'll be making a visit to Dr. Shoe *disappears into shadows again*
Rita: How the fuck did I end up blackmailed by a thirteen year old? *turns into a beetle and leaves*
*May 24, evening*
McGonagall: Potter, Bagman wants you at the Quidditch pitch to tell you and the other champions about the final challenge.
Harry: Not making this one a surprise then?
McGonagall: To be fair, none of you seemed surprised about the dragons. Almost as though you were forewarned about them a little while before they got here and you had time to prepare yourself for it.
Harry: Funny how that works out. Well, seeya.
*Quidditch pitch*
Bagman: Ah, Harry, great. Now that everyone's here, I will explain the final challenge.
Viktor: It's a maze.
Bagman: How did you...
Fleur: We can see it growing behind you.
Cedric: I don't get why you couldn't just use the growth charm on it a week before the challenge rather than start growing it now.
Bagman: You know what that sounds like Mr. Diggory? Something we should have thought of earlier.
Harry: So all we have to do is grab a broomstick, fly above the maze, and draw a map of the area?
Bagman: No, it's going to constantly be changing. New paths will open, and old ones disappear. Plenty of dangers will be hidden throughout the maze that you'll have to overcome. The first one to the middle wins.
Harry: So, the first two challenges served no purpose then?
Bagman: I didn't say that.
Viktor: You kinda did.
Bagman: But...
Viktor: Alright, I think we're done here. Harry, can I have a word in private?
Harry: If it means being nowhere near here, yes you can.
*a little way into the Forbidden Forest*
Harry: Going into the Forbidden Forest, with someone who I'm competing against, from a school where they practice the Dark Arts, whose Headmaster is a former Death Eater. Damn it, what have I got myself into?
Viktor: *spinning around* Harry.
Harry: Don'tkillme.
Viktor: I just want to know one thing: are you and Hermione...
Harry: Oh, that. No, we're just friends. Now, if we're done here *something rustles in the bushes* I think we should leave before whatever that is arrives *Crouch suddenly bursts into the clearing they're in* God damn it.
Crouch: Dumbledore...I need Dumbledore...
Harry: ...okay, not sure why you'd need him, but I guess I can go get...
Crouch: *grabbing the front of Harry's robes* He's getting stronger, he killed Bertha Jorkins, my son...help me.
Harry: You're making it a little difficult by holding the front of my robes.
Viktor: Allow me *punches Crouch, knocking him out* Now, go get Dumbledore.
Harry: That was probably a little much, but whatever *leaves*
*outside Dumbledore's office*
Harry: I don't suppose the password is still 'sherbet lemon' *statue remains close* Didn't think so.
Snape: Potter! What are you doing?
Harry: Okay, maybe you know how to get to Dumbledore. Crouch just appeared in the Forest, and...
Snape: No, as in you're up after hours, and...
Harry: I had a fucking Triwizard meeting. Now I need Dumbledore for...
Dumbledore: *coming out of his office* If you're gonna make me do work, then forget it.
Harry: Great, you're here. Crouch is in the forest and wants to see you.
Dumbledore: Did he bring the pizza I ordered?
Snape: Sir, you can't order pi...
Harry: Yes, he did. Come on.
*back in the forest*
Harry: He should be somewhere around here *sees Viktor, unconscious* Oh shit...
Dumbledore: I know. Crouch stole my pizza.
Snape: For the last time sir, you can't order pizza to be delivered here.
Dumbledore: Then why the hell did you drag me out here?
Snape: That was Po...
Karkaroff: VIKTOR! What the hell happened to him?
Harry: Well, you see...
Karkaroff: I knew it! You're trying to rig the competition in your favour.
Dumbledore: Of course I am. I want my school to win. Any advantage I can get...
Karkaroff: You asshole! I'm gonna... *suddenly gets lifted off the ground* Eh?
Hagrid: Yeh're gonna what, exactly?
Karkaroff: Um...err...
Dumbledore: Okay Hagrid, I think he gets the point. Could you put him down now?
Hagrid: I'll put 'im down 'ere *hangs Karkaroff from a tree branch*A'right 'arry, let's get you back to yehr dorm.
Dumbledore: And don't write to whoever you sent that giant mound of food to.
Hagrid: What's he talkin' about?
Harry: Nothing. Let's go.