Ron: And you're sure you understood Crouch correctly?
Harry: I don't think anyone could have understood him. He was reduced to little more than a raving lunatic when I found him.
Ron: Why would there be glowsticks and techno music when he arrived?
Harry: And you've fulfilled your quota of stupid for the day. Hermione, any ideas?
Hermione: We can only speculate at the moment. But since he has been sick lately, maybe the sickness in question is insanity? I don't really care after what he did to poor Winky, but...
Harry: And mentioning a house elf is a sign to stop listening to you. Let's send this message to Snuffles, shall we? *tying a letter to a nearby owl* And now back to...
? 1: Look, what you're suggesting is blackmail.
? 2: Yeah, because regular mail hasn't worked. And any other reasonable request. Therefore, we have to resort to this.
? 1: Okay, fair enough *Fred and George enter the Owlery*
George: Oh, hi...did you guys hear any of that?
Hermione: Every word. And we're going to...
Harry: Completely ignore it as long as you don't ask who we were sending mail to.
Fred: We weren't going to anyway, but you've got a deal.
Harry: Great. Come on guys.
Hermione: But Harry, they're breaking the law.
Harry: Hermione, I've got enough other shit to deal with. I don't particularly feel like dealing with whatever problem they're having too. They'll figure it out themselves, probably in some hilarious and devastating way.
Ron: Do you think it's connected to the joke shop they want to start?
Harry: Don't know, don't care. Let's see if Moody found Crouch.
*in Moody's office*
Harry: Hey, Professor? Can I ask you...
Moody: No, I didn't find Crouch.
Ron: Whoa, how did you know what Harry was going to ask? Does that eye make you psychic?
Moody: Will you shut up if I say it is?
Ron: Yes.
Moody: The eye makes me psychic.
Ron: That's so cool.
Moody: How the hell do you put up with him?
Harry: I don't. Well anyway, I just came here to see if you knew about Crouch, so if that's it...
Moody: Wait, Harry. Can I give you some advice?
Harry: You're probably going to anyway.
Moody: Focus in surviving the third task. Crouch is the Ministry's problem now. Whoever wants to kill you is probably going to make their move now, since they've only got this one shot left. From what Dumbledore's told me, you should be able to handle this one pretty easily.
Hermione: If he's referring to what I think he's referring to, that was mostly us breaking the rules.
Moody: Oh, what's wrong with a little rule breaking here and there?
Hermione: Professor, as a teacher, you should not be...
Harry: Good talk Professor, we'll see you next lesson *leaves*
Hermione: God damn it *follow him with Ron*
*the next day*
Harry: Hey, Snuffles's letter is here *owl drops letter in front of him*
Sirius's letter: Harry, as your godfather, I will always be proud of you. Which is why I have to ask why the HELL you were alone, in the woods, AT NIGHT, with Viktor Krum? Come on man, not only is he one of the most likely people to have any reason to harm you, but whoever kidnapped Crouch was probably waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. If I find out you've done anything that stupid again, I will march right into that school and slap you upside the head, I don't give a shit about getting caught.
Harry: Yeah, I guess he has a point there, it was a stupid move on my part.
Ron: You're not stupid Harry.
Harry: Thanks, but what else are you supposed to call going into the woods with a guy you're competing against who also knows the dark arts and his teacher hates you?
Ron: ...I'll get back to you on that.
Harry: Exactly. Now, back to the letter.
Sirius's letter: As for the challenge, it sounds pretty easy, so that means there's probably something super difficult about it. Disarming and summoning are your best bets, and maybe a few hexes. Now, in case I didn't make myself clear earlier in the letter, NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT STUPID AGAIN!
Hermione: Well, you're pretty good at disarming and summoning already, so let's find some hexes for you to try.
Harry: Great idea. Ron, feel like being my test dummy?
Ron: Does that mean we get to...
Harry: Whatever it takes to get to hex you legally.
Ron: Yay *leaves with the other two*
*later, in Divination*
Harry: Jesus Christ, it's hot up here.
Trelawney: Oh, a little heat never hurt anyone.
Harry: Tell that to the thirty four people who've died in the Australian bushfires.
Ron: TOO SOON!
Harry: Don't care *takes a seat near a window and opens it*
Trelawney: Now today class, we'll be talking about an interesting angle Mars is making with Neptune...
Harry: *thoughts* Man, the cool air from outside and the hot air from the fire make this spot extremely comfortable. It's so nice that I could fall asleep. But I shouldn't, because that would be a pretty rude thing to do in class. Eh, whatever. She always tries to convince me I'm going to get killed, fuck her.
Harry: *dream* Whoa, that was fast. I'm flying on the back of an owl towards...a dilapidated house. Why does this house look familiar *flies in through the window and sees Wormtail* Ah, crap.
Voldemort: Good news Wormtail, the little 'problem' we were having is no more.
Pettigrew: Really? I'm so glad. So, all is forgiven?
Voldemort: FUCK NO YOU FUCKING MORON! It's your fault we had to kill him. Now we have to wait another month to deal with Harry Potter.
Pettigrew: See? It's all working out. So, about that forgiveness...
Voldemort: CRUCIO!
Pettigrew: *in agonising pain* HARDER DADDY!
Voldemort: God damn it, of all the minions to find me first...
*back in Divination*
Harry: AHHHHH!
Trelawney: Dear child, what happened? You were passed out on the floor, clutching your scar. You must have been having a vision. You must tell me what happened. I have experience in this area.
Harry: You are literally the person I trust least in these matters. Seeya.
*in the corridors*
Harry: Okay, who should I tell about this? Sirius? He's probably the best bet. But he'll probably tell me to tell Dumbledore, which seems like a stupid idea. Because it is a stupid idea. And I somehow think McGonagall won't be allowed to help me under his rules, so...*sigh* Guess I better tell him *gets to Dumbledore's office* Sherbet lemon *gargoyle doesn't move* Guess he resets his password too. Umm...Chocolate Frog? Bertie Botts? Fizzing Whizzbees? Candy Corn? *gargoyle moves out of the way* You couldn't pick something good, could you? *goes up the stairs to Dumbledore's office*
Fudge: *from inside* I refuse to believe that happened.
Dumbledore: Unfortunately it's true. Crouch delivered the pizza I ordered, only to steal it when he got to the school grounds.
Crouch: What an asshole. I didn't know he was so hard up for cash that he needed to take a second job, much less a muggle job.
Harry: *from outside* On second thought, McGonagall will probably help me behind Dumbledore's back. Maybe I should...
Moody: Gentlemen, Harry Potter is standing outside the door.
Harry: Son of a bitch.
Author's note: Holy crap, this is coming out on the one year anniversary of me posting the first chapter of this thing. Happy birthday Goblet of Fire Abridged. Only eight chapters to go.