Ron: I knew it!
Harry: You knew that Snape was a Death Eater?
Ron: No, that Bagman was evil.
Hermione: He's not evil though. He just didn't realise he was passing off information.
Ron: Or so he says.
Harry: What I'm amazed at is that neither of you are concerned that Voldemort *distant thunder* is getting stronger.
Hermione: Should we?
Harry: Have you seriously not noticed the thunderclap every time I've mentioned his name lately?
Hermione: Clearly it's just stormy.
Harry: THERE'S NOT A DAMN CLOUD IN THE SKY RIGHT NOW!
Hermione: Look Harry, I highly doubt you're in any danger here. I mean, how would a crippled man even be able to sneak into the school without anyone noticing? Especially a school protected by the most competent Headmaster ever.
Harry: But McGonagall's not the Headmaster.
Hermione: I was referring to...
Harry: I know who you're referring to, and you're wrong. Anyway, I need to start practicing more spells to defend myself. You guys coming?
Ron: How many more times do I have to get thrown against the wall before you let me...
Harry: As many as I feel like. Let's go.
*in the Transfiguration classroom*
McGonagall: Here, the classroom's yours to use as you see fit. Try not to make a mess.
Harry: Professor, I'm practicing spells to attack and defend myself. Things are going to be flying around this room, and probably breaking. A lot.
McGonagall: *sigh* I know, it was wishful thinking. Just don't die in the challenge.
Harry: Come on Professor, after facing dragons and merpeople, what's the chance someone's going to die in this challenge?
McGonagall: Yeah, fair enough. Have fun breaking shit *leaves*
Ron: *over at the window* Hey, what's Malfoy doing?
Harry: *seeing Malfoy facing a tree with Crabbe and Goyle standing guard* Who cares? I have spells to cast on you.
Hermione: Shouldn't we pay some attention to it?
Harry: Look, if it's consequential to the plot, I'm sure we'll hear about it.
*the day of the task*
Hermione: It's consequential to the plot *shows Harry an article*
Harry: Let's see...Rita Skeeter's saying that I'm mentally disturbed...she witnessed me collapse in Divination...she knows it's because of the scar...knows I can speak parseltongue...I'm friends with giants and werewolves...I mean, she's got the BASICS of facts right at least.
Ron: How'd she know about Divination?
Harry: Well, I did have the window open.
Hermione: Yeah, and you were also at the top of a tower, and Rita Skeeter is banned from school grounds.
Harry: I guess it is a little weird she knows about it. Like she's got the place bugged or something.
Hermione: Bugged...that gives me an idea *leaves in a hurry*
Ron: She not going to tell us her idea?
Harry: I'd be more concerned that you guys have an exam in a few minutes.
McGonagall: Mr. Potter, your family is here to see you compete in the final challenge.
Harry: You're kidding, right?
McGonagall: And by that I mean your REAL family *leaves*
Harry: You've clarified nothing *follows her to a side room*
Molly: There you are Harry *hugs him*
Harry: What the hell? What's this heart-warming shit doing in this fanfic?
Bill: It was in the book, so it's in here now. By the way, who's that *points at Fleur*
Harry: A seventeen year old girl, before you get any ideas.
Fleur: Seventeen and two thirds, you mean *licking lips*
Bill: So...round up?
Harry: Okay, next scene.
Amos: But Harry, I haven't mocked you by saying the Cedric's going to kick your ass in the challenge.
Cedric: But dad, I like and respect Harry and don't intend to humiliate him in the challenge.
Amos: You don't intend to, but you will anyway.
Cedric: That's not what I...
Harry: Next scene please, before Bill gets himself on some kind of watchlist.
*lunchtime*
Harry: Thank God. So, where's Percy?
Molly: Oh, the Ministry's got him under arrest because of the whole Crouch thing. They're hushing it up, but they're concerned that Percy's instructions either weren't Crouch's, or were sent under duress.
Harry: And your thoughts?
Bill: Well, given that several of the letters have randomly capitalised letters in the middle of words that spell out cries for help, we're inclined to agree with the Ministry.
Harry: And you're telling me this because...
Molly: You and your friends will just stick your nose in where it doesn't belong and find out anyway, usually doing something suicidally dangerous to do so, so I figured it's better to just tell you outright to avoid such an outcome.
Harry: Most of the time, it's not my fault that shit happens.
Ron: *arriving with the other Weasleys and Hermione* Yeah, it's like he's the main character of a book or something.
Hermione: Hi Mrs. Weasley.
Molly: Bitch.
Harry: You do know what Rita Skeeter said about her was bullshit, right?
Molly: Oh...then hello Hermione, how's it going?
Hermione: Great, actually. I took care of our little Rita Skeeter problem.
Ginny: *squinting eyes* What problem?
Hermione: Oh, she wrote another horrible article about Harry this morning. But it's okay, because...
Ginny: Where is that bitch?
Hermione: Like I said, I took care of her.
Ginny: Oh? *realises what it could mean* Oh... *smiles evilly* *thoughts* I would have preferred to do it myself, but what's done is done. Besides, this proves she has a dark side too. I can use that.
*that night*
McGonagall: Alright champions, come with us to the Quidditch pitch. Everyone else, wait five minutes.
Ron: Why? We're all heading there anyway, might as well have us all there now.
McGonagall: Because I said so. Now shut up.
Harry: Are you happy now? I'm not going into the challenge completely sleep deprived.
McGonagall: That should not be something to be proud of.
Harry: Yeah, so's forcing an underage wizard to compete in a dangerous tournament that he didn't sign up for, but here we are.
McGonagall: Believe me, if it was up to me, you wouldn't be competing. Unfortunately, Dumbledore said he would freeze my assets if I didn't force you, so...sorry.
Harry: Can he do that?
McGonagall: From what I've heard, he once performed necromancy on a dog using an unrelated spell and suffered no ill consequences for it. If I had to guess, he'll either actually freeze my assets, or everything I own will be in a giant ice cube, both of which will be a massive pain in the ass.
Harry: I hate that that makes sense.
*in the stadium*
Dumbledore: Alright champions, here are the rules: since I'm biased, the two Hogwarts champions go in first, followed by Krum because he's scary looking, then Fleur because she's not here yet.
Fleur: *entering the arena with messy hair and crooked clothes* I'm here now.
Bill: *also with messy hair and crooked clothes* And it definitely wasn't my fault.
Harry: *muttering* I fucking knew it.
Fleur: We didn't say we fucked.
Harry: I didn't say you did.
Bill: Oh...because we didn't.
Dumbledore: Ahem...anyway, first one to grab the cup wins. Anyone who decides to die will be disqualified. Other than that, have fun.
Harry: What if we give up?
Dumbledore: Send up some red sparks so we can find you and expel you.
Karkaroff: I would never expel Viktor if he quit.
Dumbledore: Than I'll expel him for you.
Karkaroff: You can't...
Dumbledore: Off you go *flicks his wand at Harry and Cedric, sending them into the maze*
Cedric: Well, all the best Harry. If I lose to anyone, I would prefer it to be you.
Harry: Same to you Cedric. Now, the sooner we get through this, the sooner I can find out who wants to kill me. Seeya.
*later*
Harry: Well, other than the darkness and the twenty foot hedges, so far this hasn't been too bad.
Dementor: *flying around a corner* Om nom nom.
Harry: Yep, there it is. EXPECTO PATRONUM! *blasts dementor with it*
Dementor: OW! Noms hurt me.
Harry: Wait, why would we have dementors here? This is a boggart. RIDDIKULUS! *blasts the boggart*
Boggart: Noms aren't fun anymore *floats away, sulking*
Harry: Well, that was easy. What's ne... *sees a Blast-Ended Skrewt* Oh, this shouldn't be too horrifying.
*outside the maze*
McGonagall: Hagrid, I've been doing some research, and I've found that it's physically impossible to make a fire-crab and a manticore breed like you claim to have done with your blast-ended skrewts.
Hagrid: Yeah? What's yeh point?
McGonagall: Hagrid, what the fuck did you do?
Hagrid: Look, when I got kicked oot of 'ere, I went to a place called Amestris, met a guy named Shou, and...
McGonagall: Oh no...
Hagrid: Look, nobody's gonna miss the babies I used...
McGonagall: Jesus fucking Christ.
Hagrid: And they might get to meet Harry, whom I've taught them is their family.
*back in the maze*
Skrewt: That person...Ha...rry. That person...Ha...rry. That person...Ha...rry. Big Brother...Ha...
Harry: *absolutely horrified* Holy shit Hagrid, this is a whole new level of fucked up, even for you *hears Fleur scream* You know what? Whatever that is has nothing to do with me, but would be far less traumatising than whatever the fuck I'm looking at right now.
*further into the maze*
Harry: Where is everyone? *sees Cedric and Krum* Oh, hey guys.
Krum: *not paying attention to Harry* CRUCIO! *blasts Cedric with the curse*
Harry: Oh, that's not good. Um...STUPIFY *blasts Krum with the spell, stunning him*
Cedric: *getting up* Thanks Harry. I guess he got a little carried away with the competition.
Harry: A little carried away? That was an Unforgivable Curse. He could have fucking killed you.
Cedric: I know, he just panicked in the heat of the moment.
Harry: Dude, your kindness will be the death of you. Well, seeya *leaves*
*later*
Harry: Okay, where's my next challenge?
Sphinx: *appearing in front of him* That would be me.
Harry: Oh God, do I have to fight you?
Sphinx: Only if you get my riddle wrong. I should mention that I am the shortest way to the treasure you seek. If you choose to go the longer way, you will have to face the Labyrinth guards.
*elsewhere*
Guard 1: So, one of us always tells the truth, and one of us always tells lies.
Cedric: But lying's bad.
Guard 2: Not always. Sometimes it's...
Cedric: *looking at Guard 1* I'm not listening to him, he's the liar.
Guard 1: How would you know?
Cedric: You explained how things work, then he said lying's not always bad. Therefore, you told me the truth, and he lied.
Guard 2: You can't prove that.
Cedric: What's two plus two?
Guard 1: Four.
Guard 2: Thirty seven...fuck.
Cedric: So, which way do I go?
Guard 2: Well, first you... *Cedric kicks him in the shins*
Cedric: Shut up, liar.
Guard 1: A bit excessive, isn't it?
Cedric: Are you defending him?
Guard 1: Err... *sweats nervously*
*back with the sphinx*
Sphinx: So, what will you... *looks around, but can't see Harry* Huh, guess he chose to go with the guards.
Harry: I hope the sphinx didn't notice me sneak past it *keeps moving*
*later*
Harry: God damn it, is this maze a TARDIS? I'm positive the Quidditch pitch wasn't this big before. Surely I can't be that far away from... *sees the cup* Oh, that's convenient.
Cedric: *coming out in front of Harry* Oh, hey, it's the cup.
Harry: Hey, I saw it first.
Cedric: Oh, hey Harry. Well, I guess if you saw it first, you should get it.
Harry: DUDE! I was joking. We're in competition. You're supposed to try and win.
Cedric: But that doesn't seem fair if you saw it first.
Harry: Dude, get angry. Get mean. Make me earn the victory.
Cedric: Are you sure?
Harry: YES!
Cedric: Well, okay, if you insist *starts running for the Cup, not noticing the giant spider crawling over the wall*
Harry: Cedric, watch out for the... *Cedric blasts it with a spell without looking* Wow, that was pretty hardcore.
Cedric: Oh my God, I just killed that spider!
Harry: Keep running.
Cedric: But I...
Harry: *gets right in Cedric's face* Keep! Running! *practically drags Cedric to the finish line*
Cedric: Well, it's a draw. So, I guess it goes to the one that saw the Cup first, right?
Harry: *sigh* I actually feel sorry for your dad. How have you gone through your entire life without a competitive edge? Especially when you play Quidditch?
Cedric: I...
Harry: Don't bother answering. We're going to grab the Cup together, and you get the prize money.
Cedric: But why?
Harry: Because I don't need the money, you want me to win, and I want you to stop being afraid to stand up to people.
Cedric: I'm not afraid to stand up to people. In fact, the next person we see, I'll stand up to.
Harry: Great. But first, the Cup.
Cedric: Okay *Harry and Cedric grab the Cup at the same time, and suddenly start getting transported somewhere else*
Harry: OH SHIIIIII...