Voldemort: It is so good to be back.
Harry: And you've learned your lesson from last time, right? So now you intend to turn over a new leaf and be...
Voldemort: Oh Harry *gently brushing Harry's cheek* You know that's not going to happen.
Harry: I need an adult.
Voldemort: I am an adult.
Peter: Don't mind me, just bleeding out over here.
Voldemort: Oh, don't worry Wormtail, I have forgotten about you. Just hold out your hand...
Peter: Oh, thank you master *holds out the bloodied stump where his hand was*
Voldemort: YOU MORON! I said hold out your HAND, not your stump!
Peter: But sir... *Voldemort yanks Peter up by the stump, rips the sleeve of his shirt up, and finds a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth tattooed on Peter's arm* AHHHHHH!
Harry: Hey, isn't that that Dark Mark thing?
Voldemort: Very observant, Harry.
Harry: Maybe you can tell me why there's a spell to make tha... *Voldemort presses his finger into Peter's tattoo* Or you can just do that. That works too, I guess *nothing happens* Or maybe it doesn't work.
Voldemort: Oh, it will.
Harry: Dude, it's been thirteen years. Do you really think any of them are gonna come back to you after so long?
Peter: I came back.
Harry and Voldemort: You don't count, loser.
Peter: Sorry.
Voldemort: Now Harry, I suppose you're wondering why I brought you here.
Harry: I presume it has something to do with the fact I practically killed you when I was a baby...
Voldemort: It all started when my father left my mother when he found out she was a witch...
Harry: Oh, God, you're not going to ramble on about your backstory, are you?
Voldemort: ...then my mother died giving birth to me, so I got raised in a muggle orphanage...
Harry: Can't you just be a generic "evil for the sake of evil" villain?
Voldemort: ...so that's when I decided to kill him, and... *hears something* Ah, my followers are here. We'll continue this as soon as they're gathered.
Harry: Can't you just kill me now?
Voldemort: Hush child, my people need me *turns to face the mass of masked people who came to meet him* Ah, my loyal servants. Or at least that's what I'd call you if any of you had bothered to look for me in the last decade or so.
Peter: I found you...
Voldemort: After you fled the country in fear. Honestly, not a single one of you even tried to find me until there was literally no other option.
?: To be fair, you didn't exactly advertise your presence to us, so we had no option but to assume you were...
Voldemort: SILENCE LUCIUS! You should have at least looked.
Harry: Wait, Lucius? As in Lucius Malfoy?
Lucius: Oh, like you're really surprised by that.
Voldemort: Yes, just like we have Crabbe, Goyle, Nott, and MacNair.
Crabbe Snr: Bah?
Goyle Snr: Glah.
Nott: Wait, who the fuck am I?
MacNair: Do we have any animals I can horribly torture and/or execute?
Voldemort: You really take your job with the Ministry seriously, don't you?
MacNair: It pays the bills. And I get to kill shit. It's the best thing ever, after serving you of course, milord.
Voldemort: Very well, I forgive you, I'll be needing your murder boner to help fuck things up.
Harry: Please call it something else.
Voldemort: As for the six that aren't here, three of them are dead, one's a coward, one's left me forever, and one's already working for me at Hogwarts. THEY WILL ALL PAY!
Lucius: Wait, even the one working for you at Hogwarts? And how exactly are you going to make the dead ones pay?
Voldemort: SILENCE! They will all pay, especially the one at Hogwarts. I come back after over a decade, and he misses it? UNACCEPTABLE!
Peter: Well, it was nice serving you master...
Voldemort: Oh, quit your whining *casts spell on Pettigrew, giving him a silver hand*
Peter: Oh, thank you master, I love it.
Voldemort: I swear to God, if you EVER use that hand to jerk off, it will kill you.
Peter: *gulps* Y...yes, master.
Voldemort: Now, I suppose you're all wondering how I survived so long, and how I came back to life.
Harry: Can't we skip that part? This feels like it's going to be needlessly pointless and stupid.
Voldemort: Oh, what a tale it is. It all starts when I was hit with that power of love bullshit. I was left as basically a phantom...
Harry: Did you know that nine out of ten villains who start monologuing are suddenly defeated by a deus ex machina?
Voldemort: I know, I'm the tenth. Now, where was I? Oh yes, I began possessing the bodies of animals to survive, but none of them could contain my awesomeness...
MacNair: You like torturing animals too? I knew I picked the right side.
Voldemort: Thank you MacNair. Anyway, eventually I possessed the body of that Quirrell guy that everyone forgets existed, even though apparently everyone was told that I possessed him and I got within inches of securing immortality in what most people say is the most secure place on Earth.
Harry: Who stopped you from getting that by the way?
Voldemort: *glaring* CRUCIO! *Harry starts screaming in agony as Voldemort continues* So anyway, then this piece of shit came crawling back, which allowed me to kill Bertha Jorkins for no other reason than I felt like it, and now we're here. Any questions?
Nott: That seems like an incredibly abridged version of what happened.
Voldemort: Nobody asked you Nott. Now Harry, we're gonna fight *sees him still getting horribly tortured* Oh, right *undoes the spell* Come on Harry, wand out. We're duelling.
Harry: You realise I'm still tied up, right?
Voldemort: Oh, you're so picky *undoes Harry's ropes* There, happy now? We'll settle this here and now...NEXT CHAPTER!