Voldemort: Well Harry, are you ready to settle this?
Harry: If I say no, will you let me go?
Voldemort: Oh Harry, I think we both know the answer to that. Now, duelling etiquette states that we bow before we start the fight.
Harry: I'm not doing that.
Voldemort: Harry, I'm being nice by allowing you to live...
Harry: No you're not, you're going to fucking murder me in like three seconds from now.
Voldemort: ...I said BOW! *blasts Harry with an Imperius curse* There we go, what a polite young man he is.
Harry: You're...a...cunt.
Voldemort: And now we begin. CRUCIO! *blasts Harry with the curse*
Harry: Oh, come on. I wasn't even out of the Imperius curse yet.
Voldemort: *holding the curse on Harry for a few more seconds* Okay, fine *cuts the curse, and waits a few seconds* You good?
Harry: I guess...
Voldemort: Good. CRUCIO! *blasts Harry with the curse again*
Harry: GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Voldemort: Oh, trust me, I am.
Harry: What... *sees what Voldemort is doing while torturing him* OH GOD!
Voldemort: Yes, that's right Harry. I want my first orgasm in my revived body to be to the sight of your dead body.
Harry: Okay, enough of this absurdity. You do realise how fucked up it is that you're jerking off over a fourteen year old boy, and how much worse doing that to a corpse is, right?
Lucius: I hate to admit it, but he has a point master.
Voldemort: BITCH I KILL PEOPLE! Do you think I give a...where did he go?
Peter: Don't worry master, the portkey's still here. He can't get back to Hogwarts without that.
Harry: Thanks for the info, dumbass.
Voldemort: Found him.
Harry: FUCK!
Lucius: Quick question: why did we make the portkey two-way? Surely one-way would have been just as easy to make, and if somehow Harry managed to get back to it, he wouldn't be able to easily escape.
Voldemort: SHUT UP LUCIUS! This is MY plan, and we do it my way.
Harry: Does your genius plan involve killing me at some point? Because that would be preferable to you blabbing on and on about nothing.
Voldemort: How dare you?! I've got this all planned out...
Harry: Yeah, talk me to death before any curse can do so.
Voldemort: You're making me mad, Potter.
Harry: Good. Get mad. Bring it on, Tom.
Voldemort: THAT'S IT! AVADA KEDAVRA!
Harry: EXPELLIARMUS! *spells meet in the middle, and start throwing out gold sparks in the middle* Well, that looks kinda cool.
Voldemort: You idiot, haven't you ever seen a Priori Incantatem before?
Harry: A what?
Peter: It's what happens when two wands with cores taken from the same animal meet in battle, and the loser's wand produces echoes of the last spell it casted.
Voldemort: Shut up dumbass, nobody cares.
Harry: Yeah, that sounds suspiciously like a deus ex machina that I'm about to take full advantage of *gold sparks get extremely close to Voldemort* Like so *dark shadows start crawling out of Voldemort's wand* I'm starting to think this is a bad idea *dark shadows take the form of Cedric* ...huh.
Cedric: Hi Harry. How are you?
Harry: Well, you know, not bad, all things considered. Being dead must suck.
Cedric: Yeah, but I've made some friends who are interested in helping you.
Harry: Friends? *another form crawls out of the wand, turning into Frank Bryce*
Frank: You're tryin'a fight him, boy? Feel free to head on up to the house and use ol' Betsy on him *another dark shape appears, this one Bertha jorkins*
Bertha: Oh, wow, I actually get to be in this thing?
Harry: Who the fuck are you? *another dark form crawls out of Voldemort's wand, this time Lily Potter* ...mum?
Lily: That's right Harry. Your father's on the way too.
James: *suddenly appearing* Heeeere's Jimmy.
Lily: James, for the last time, nobody's going to call you that.
James: ...sorry.
Harry: So, what's the deal here? Are you guys ghosts, or...
Lily: Nope, we're purely here for a distraction.
James: Unless you think you can win.
Harry: I don't think...
Voldemort: You know I'm still here, and can hear and see you, right?
Harry: Shut the fuck up Tom, I'm talking to my dead parents.
Voldemort: Oh, sorry...wait, what the fuck am I apologising for? I'm trying to kill you.
Frank: Get ready kid, we'll create a smokescreen, you run to the house and get ol' Betsy.
Bertha: Actually, the portkey's closer. It'd be a better idea to get to that.
Frank: Fine, whatever. But you better get him eventually.
Harry: I will.
Cedric: Hey, can you take my body back for my father?
Harry: Yeah, sure. Who knows what these weirdos are gonna do with it.
Voldemort: What are you implying?
Harry: YOU WERE GOING TO JERK OFF OVER MY CORPSE! Get him, shadowy otherworldly figures!
James: I'm gonna aim for his dick.
Lily: We're trying to blind him to protect our son!
James: Shh, watch this *flies straight at Voldemort with the others*
Voldemort: AHH! My dick!
James: *turning into a thick smoke* Got him!
Lily: *turning into a thick smoke* God damn it James.
Harry: Accio Corpse *Cedric's body lands on top of him* Should have done this the other way around. Accio Portkey *portkey flies into Harry's hand, allowing him to escape*
Voldemort: GOD DAMN IT!
Lucius: Remember what I said about the...
Voldemort: CRUCIO! *Lucius collapses to the ground in pain* Well, I feel slightly better. Time to see if my guy at Hogwarts can get him.