Disclaimer: All rights to Rick Riordan. I own nothing, but the plot.
Themes of self-harm, anxiety, and depression are expressed within this story. TRIGGER WARNING! Please do NOT read if these themes upset you. TRIGGER WARNING!
Criticism is appreciated, but please no hate. Please review and leave me suggestions! Enjoy!
Will's POV:
After Nico had assured Will that he wasn't going to go into the forest, Will instructed him to get some sleep. Nico nodded and passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow. Will stood up and stretched, feeling exhausted himself. But his mind was racing; he knew that even if he tried, he would be unable to sleep. Even though he had just berated his boyfriend for wanting to explore the woods, he planned to head that way. The son of Apollo went to the seventh cabin, changing clothes and arming himself with a sword as well as a bow and arrows.
He silently crept across the lawns, on the lookout for harpy patrols. The only thing he ran into was Apollo and Meg, sitting on a blanket, and keeping vigil outside the woods. Apollo was reading the book that Will had noticed were missing from his bookshelf when he went to the cabin. Meg was eating one of the Golden Apples from the maze.
They looked up as he approached. Meg scanned him up and down.
"I prevented your father, who is a god, from entering the forest. Don't think I can't stop you as well."
"I thought at least you would be looking," Will addressed his dad.
His father laughed humorlessly. "Believe me, I would already be an hour into my search if it wasn't for Chiron and my meddling servant." He glared at Meg when he said this.
"He needed to chill," she said, her mouth full of apple. "He was gonna get himself killed." She swallowed. She pointed at Will. "Just like you are if you go into the woods."
Will held up the bow. "I'm armed."
"I can shoot an arrow more accurately than you even though I can barely pull back a bowstring," Meg taunted. "Some of us were born heroes, some of us born doctors."
Will scowled at her, before plopping down next to his father. "I suppose you are right."
Meg grunted. "Course I am." She picked up a rock and threw it into the woods.
"I just feel-"
"Helpless? Angry? Terrified?" Apollo supplied.
"All of the above," Will admitted. He found himself wanting to spill his secrets. But not with Meg there. He looked at her with his peripheries. She seemed to get the message.
"I'm going to go find some more rocks to throw," she patted Apollo on the head as she stood. "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."
She trotted off, close enough for the two of them to see her, but far enough that she couldn't hear them.
Will turned to his father. "Bad things, terrible things keep happening, and there is nothing I can do to stop them or prevent them."
Apollo leaned back onto his elbows. "Imagine being able to stop them or prevent them, and then getting that power taken away."
"That's definitely worse," Will concurred.
Apollo sighed. "I'm not trying to say who has it worse. Because you definitely do. Hopefully this mortal thing is temporary, so I can go back to my toned and blemish-free body. You will be stuck with scars and acne. Forever."
Will chuckled. "I guess I will."
Apollo smiled softly. "I joke around all the time, but I do know how you are feeling. All of those feelings you are feeling, I'm feeling them too. Probably more extremely." Will raised his eyebrows in confusion. "As a god, I can will away my emotions. Or do something, change something to placate my emotions. Now, I'm mortal. I am feeling literally everything. And it's overwhelming."
Will nodded. "Feeling all your failures, all the death, all the bad, all of the time. Being mortal sucks."
Apollo considered him. "I guess that would explain your scars."
Will felt his heart drop. "My- my scars?"
Apollo smiled knowingly. Will could see the pity in his eyes. "You know what I'm talking about."
Will, self-conscious, adjusted the bracelets he had on his wrist. "How did you-"
"Do you all seem to forget that gods are omnipotent?" Apollo asked. "Because you act like I can't just play a recording of what you do in your day on the flat screen in my palace."
Will felt himself go red. "Everything?"
Apollo waved him off. "Don't worry, I change the channel when you are getting busy with your, what do you call him? 'Death boy', is it?"
"Father- can we not talk about this-?" Will felt himself going redder by the second.
"Alright, alright, I'm just giving you a hard time," Apollo chuckled. Then his face got serious. "I know you don't do it to yourself that often, but I still worry."
Will felt his face drop. He feels a wave of guilt for worrying his father. He also feels terrible for letting his father down. For disappointing him. This must be how Nico felt whenever Will confronted him.
"I have had my own brushes with my insecurity and self-loathing," Apollo confessed. Will looked up at him. "Oh, don't look so shocked; while my ego is extremely inflated, I'm not as great as I say I am." Apollo paused. It looked painful for him to continue. "I have made my fair share of mistakes. Caused deaths that I did not intend. Lost the- the loves of my life."
"Father," Will started.
Apollo cleared his throat. "That's why I joke so much and try to keep everything positive. Try to keep that side of myself hidden."
Will nodded. "I do the same thing. No one knows about my self-harm. Except you and Nico. And Kayl-" His voice cracked. He paused before continuing. "I feel like I'm expected to be happy and positive all the time. But it's so hard sometimes. I have to be there and be strong for Nico, for the cabin, for the camp. At times it's too much. I just want to break down."
"I currently have the fate of the universe on my shoulders, so I understand," Apollo answered. "You just cannot let yourself be controlled by what other people want."
"I have a duty to certain people and to this camp," Will said. "Sometimes that means sacrificing what I want and need."
"Unfortunately, being as amazing as both you and I are, that means people depend on us."
Will nodded. "I just want to be able to have someone I can depend on."
"It's lonely, to have these kinds of responsibilities. You want to look for someone to stand beside you, but it is not always easy to find who has the ability to bear the burden with you." Apollo was looking into the distance, lost in some memory. "Sometimes, you never find that person. Other times, you find the person and then lose them."
"Father," Will started again.
Apollo shook himself out of his memories and turned to look at Will. "But it's alright; I always have Artemis. She's probably looking down and laughing at me even as we speak."
"She hasn't tried to contact you?" Will asked.
Apollo sighed. "I'm guessing Zeus has probably forbidden contact. And my twin is forever the rule follower. But, if she has tried to contact me, I haven't heard anything. Maybe she's fighting on my behalf, but I doubt she will get anywhere with my father."
Will didn't know what to say. He clapped his hand on his father's shoulder. "Hopefully this will pass soon."
"I would hope so; I don't want to be stuck with him indefinitely." Meg had rejoined the group. "Sorry, I couldn't find any more rocks." She opened her arms and dozens of rocks spilled out. She started pulling even more rocks out of her pockets.
"I think you'll have enough for the rest of the night," Apollo noted, adjusting himself on the blanket.
Meg nodded, plopping down on the blanket. She looked at Will. "Are you still planning on going in the woods, or did your dad talk some sense into you?"
"I guess I'll wait until morning." Will conceded.
"Gonna go back to your lover boy or hang out with the cool kids?" Apollo asked.
Will ran his hands through his hair. "I'll stay and help you guys keep watch. Maybe they will come out."
Apollo looked back to the woods. "Maybe."
Nico's POV:
He woke up and looked at his surroundings. It looked like the inside of a log cabin, furnished with wooden beds with the softest mattresses and warm, plaid-red quilts. Twinkling lights were strung up all around the walls, giving the cabin a very cozy feel. The fresh laundry smell and faint violin music confirmed to Nico that he was in the Hypnos cabin at Camp Half-Blood.
How did I get here? He thought. He looked down at his hands. His body was semi-transparent; he was sleeping.
"Welcome, son," his father's voice sounded behind him.
He turned to find his father sitting in a cozy armchair in front of the fireplace. On the mantle above the fireplace was a tree branch dripping the milky water from the River Lethe into a bowl.
"Father, what are you doing here?" Nico asked.
"Welcome," Hades greeted, gesturing for Nico to sit in the chair beside him. "Since our contact is currently limited, we will talk in dreams where time is limitless."
"Okay, but why are we here father?" Nico queried.
"I was investigating your nightmare situation, talking to my sources and the head counselor here, Clovis..." Hades turned his head to the left to look at the bunk bed there. "Clovis!"
Buried under his feather comforter, Clovis' bovine face popped up. His hair was unruly; his eyes cloudy with sleep.
"Yes, the dead and I were communing," Clovis informed. He yawned before sitting up. He looked more alert now. "I mean, the lord of the dead and I were communicating."
"No offense, but why not ask Hypnos?" Nico asked. "I feel like he would be more knowledgable in a situation like this."
"He would be," Clovis informed. He looked far more awake in the dreamscape that he had ever looked in real life. "However, neither Lord Hades nor myself have been able to get in contact with him."
"Olympus is still ignoring you?" Nico asked his father.
Hades cleared his throat. "We are here to talk about you, Nico."
Clovis nodded. "Yes, about your dream problem."
"Have you found out what's causing it?" Nico asked anxiously.
"Er, not yet," Hades admitted. "But, Clovis and I are continuing to compare theories on it. Anyway, the reason we pulled you off your current dream course is that, unless we control it, you will continue to get trapped in your memories."
"How do we prevent that?" Nico asked.
"As I have discussed with you before, you must relive all your trauma to be able to heal from them," Hades revealed.
Nico gulped nervously. "How will reliving them make the coma trapping thing stop?"
Hades and Clovis shared a look. "You have repressed so many of your memories that when you get trapped in your nightmares-"
"-you don't recall if it is real or fictional- " Hades continued Clovis' words.
"And if you can't tell if it is real or not-" Clovis started.
"Then I can't wake myself from a nightmare." Nico finished. "But, people dream all the time and think its real when it isn't. They can still wake themselves up."
"Most people who dream like that are mortal," Hades explained. "You are a demigod; you don't have normal dreams, to begin with. You often have prophetical dreams. And a lot of your nightmares are past memories."
"I've been able to wake myself up in the past," Nico reminded. "Or someone else had."
"There is evidence of godly interference," Clovis interjected. "Do you know of any gods or goddesses who would want to hurt you?"
Cupid Nico thought.
"Not off the top of my head." He didn't look at his father, keeping his eyes fixed on Clovis, but he could feel the god's gaze burning into him as if he had known he was lying. "Why is this taking you so long to solve? Aren't you all-seeing?"
His father rubbed his head. "While I am usually omnipotent, someone- some force interfering."
"Is this the force you refused to tell Will and I about?" Nico asked.
"Irrelevant right now," Hades dismissed. "The point of this meeting is to discuss what to do about your nightmares."
"So I have to relive them," Nico summarized. "But I don't choose to have the nightmares; they just happen."
"That's not entirely true," Clovis explained. "If something related to your memories triggers you, then you have the nightmares."
"Like being in the Labyrinth." Nico understood. "So, to relive the maze, I had to go down there." Realization ran through Nico. "And to relive Tartarus-"
"Obviously we will not be sending you back to Tartarus." His father rushed to reassure him. "But just being close to the entrance, like you were when you had that- that uh-"
"It's called a panic attack," Nico felt his face flush with embarrassment. His eyes slid over to Clovis. "And I would prefer if the whole camp didn't know about it."
"Oh relax, Nico, I don't need to say anything; the whole camp already knows," Clovis stated.
Hades looked aghast at Clovis. "Not helpful." He turned his eyes back to Nico. "Merely focusing on the location or the memory can work as well."
"Do I have to do this now?" Nico asked. "I am kinda- preoccupied with the camp activities."
"What's happening at camp?" Clovis asked, blinking with confusion. Nico and Hades looked at Clovis in shock. Clovis turned red with embarrassment. "I was catching up on my sleep."
Nico pinched the bridge of his nose. "My question stands. Do we have to do this now? I can't afford to be asleep for days on end."
"Time does not exist in the world of dreams and nightmares," Hades reminded. "I will be joining you within your dreams, to remind you of what is reality vs fiction. And when morning arrives or Will wakes you up, I will pull you from your dreams so you won't be trapped."
Nico closed his eyes, thinking. The only way to stop going into a coma would be reliving his worst memories. That was something he wasn't sure he was prepared to do.
"You have to be there?" Nico asked quietly, glancing up at his father.
His father looked into his eyes. The usual terrifying fire that burned in them had softened and looked welcoming. "I know it's not what you would have wanted, but it has to be this way. Otherwise, you could be trapped and I might not be able to enter into your nightmare to free you."
Nico felt a wave of panic. "I just- no one knows what I have experienced."
"Sharing your experiences will help you to cope with them." His father reassured. "And hopefully overcome them."
"Do I have a choice in the matter?" Nico cut straight to the point.
"You always have a choice, but if you do not accept help, you will continue to be plagued by nightmares and flashbacks which may lead to your ultimate demise." His father explained.
"Meaning?"
"Either you could get trapped in your memories for the rest of your life, or the pain will become so unbearable that you will continue to self-harm until you end up taking your own life," Hades said bluntly.
"Do we really have to have this conversation right now?" Nico snapped back, waving at Clovis. "With him here? In my head?"
His father had the decency to look ashamed. "You won't talk to me anywhere else. You won't talk to anyone else. At any rate, he's asleep again-"
"And that's MY CHOICE," Nico shouted. "Not yours, not Clovis', not Will's."
"So you want to be trapped in your head?"
"What- of course not," Nico said.
"Then what do you want?" His father asked.
"I want to be better-"
His father sighed. "You can't be better unless you try to."
"Nothing is helping-" Nico said weakly.
"That's because you aren't trying anything!"
Something inside Nico broke. "Because I'm scared!" His father closed his mouth in surprise. "I'm scared to heal, I'm scared to go through all this pain again, I'm scared that I won't know who I am anymore."
"Know who you are?" His father asked.
Nico breathed in. "I have been in pain, emotional pain for so long. I don't remember what it is like to live without pain… I don't know if I ever have lived without it. My memories from childhood were wiped, I don't even know if those were happy. And after the hotel, I had a couple of months of happiness and then… and then…"
"Your sister died," Hades said quietly.
Nico swallowed back tears. "I don't- I don't know who I am- I don't know if it is possible for me to be happy without her."
His father leaned forward, "You don't know that you can't be happy; you haven't tried."
Nico scoffed. "When should I have tried? While I was in the Labyrinth? How about when I was in Tartarus?"
"After the Second Giant War, you had time to heal, time to be happy," his father said. "But, you didn't."
"I tried to. I- I started dating Will…"
"Oh please, you did not." His father said. "Entering into a relationship while continuing to hate yourself for your sexuality is not healing." Nico remained silent. "You didn't face your own demons before you tried to take on another person's." His father pointed out.
"You think I shouldn't have started dating Will?" Nico asked.
"I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't have done." His father leaned back in his chair, rubbing his forehead. "It doesn't matter now; that's in the past. The only thing you can change is here and now. Solving this coma problem is a step towards getting better."
Nico closed his eyes taking a deep breath. He understood that if he ever wanted to experience happiness, this was something that he had to do.
He opened his eyes. "Where do we start?"