Harry: *landing back at the school after his adventure* Oof, that was a rough landing.
Ron: HARRY! How could you?
Harry: Hey, I didn't kill him.
Ron: He's dead?
Harry: What did you... *sees the position which he landed on Cedric* Oh, come on Ron. After all I just went through, THIS is what you're concerned about?
Hermione: After what you went through?
Harry: Oh, right, you haven't been here the last couple of chapters. You see...
Dean: Hey guys, Harry's got the Cup. And he killed Cedric to get it.
Harry: I did not.
Cho: Cedric's...dead?
Harry: *sees the audience start murmuring about Cedric's death at Harry's hands* Oh, COME ON!
Dumbledore: Make way, make way, I need to be sure he's dead *stares down at the corpse* Okay Cedric, I'm going to count to three, and if you don't stop being dead, you're expelled. One...two...three...that's it young man, you're expelled.
Pale, blond haired man: Give him here, I can make him walk again.
Amos: You can bring my boy back to life?
Pale, blond haired man: I never said that *runs off before anyway could stop him*
Harry: Huh, I wonder what that was about. Eh, probably won't find out for a year or so.
Moody: Boy, you should come with me.
Harry: I don't know, I think I should stay here. I mean, I'm the only witness to a tragic murder, I think I should...
Moody: *grabbing the back of Harry's collar* I insist.
Harry: I mean, I guess. You're a former Auror that Dumbledore trusts...err, I mean McGonagall. Nothing bad could possibly come of...
Moody: Shut up and tell me everything.
Harry: Okay, I...wait...
*in Moody's office*
Harry: ...then I grabbed the corpse and the portkey and got the hell out of there.
Moody: Uh huh, and his followers? Did he punish them for ditching him?
Harry: Well, no, he forgave them. I'm guessing because they make up a large part of his supporter base. Speaking of which, he's apparently got someone here at Hogwarts, probably the person who put my name in the Goblet. We should be...
Moody: I know who did it.
Harry: Oh, that's convenient. Now all you have to do is arrest them, and... *sees a piece of writing on his desk* Hey, did you write this?
Moody: Yeah, why?
Harry: You have some lovely cursive...wait a minute...OH CRAP!
"Moody": That's right Harry. I've been making sure you got as far through the Tournament as you did. And now, I'm going to put you through the thing you hate most in the world.
Harry: You wouldn't...
"Moody": That's right, I'm going to make you hear my entire plan from the moment I got here.
Harry: NO! NOT MONOLOGUING! YOU MONSTER! Can't you just kill me?
"Moody": Oh, I'm sure you'd like to hear my evil plan, that started with me stealing your wand at the Quidditch World Cup...
Harry: Wait, how the fuck did you get there? I'm sure I'd have recognised someone like you there.
"Moody": Well, you see...
Dumbledore: *blasting the door down* Knock knock *sees the door hit "Moody" and threw him to the ground* Oops...
McGonagall: Actually, this is perfect.
Dumbledore: Minerva, he could sue us for this.
Snape: Sir, he's clearly not Moody. Moody would know better than to take a witness away from a crime scene before the authorities have a chance to interview them.
Dumbledore: He can still sue u...
Harry: He put my name in the Goblet...wait, what do you mean he's not Moody?
Snape: *picks up Moody's flask and sniffs it* Polyjuice Potion. I guess I owe you an apology Potter, you weren't the one stealing supplies from my storage.
Harry: Oh...well, apology accep...
Snape: I didn't say I was apologising, just that I should.
Harry: Eh, close enough.
McGonagall: Can we get back on topic here? We need to know who this guy is.
Dumbledore: And to wipe his memory before he calls his lawyer.
McGonagall: Sure. But first, Severus, would you go get your strongest truth serum? And if this is who I think it is, could you get the house elf Winky?
Snape: With pleasure, Minerva *leaves*
Harry: So, I should get going, since this looks like it's adult business, and I probably need to get to the Hospital Wing...
McGonagall: Don't you want to find out who tried to kill you?
Harry: Wait, you're going to allow that?
McGonagall: Potter, you've gone through four school years of taking matters into your own hands to save the school. It's time you see a competent teacher do the same.
Dumbledore: Like what we're doing.
Harry: She said competent.
Dumbledore: *narrows eyes* What are you implying?
Harry: Err... *Snape returns, with Winky* Professor Snape is back. Let's see what not-Moody has to say.
Snape: Speaking of not-Moody *points out not-Moody changing back into his original form, Barty Crouch Jr.*
Winky: Master!
Dumbledore: Doctor Who is...
Harry: I already did the joke.
Dumbledore: DAMN IT HARRY, I've had that joke saved up for NINE MONTHS!
Harry: You snooze, you lose.
Dumbledore: *sigh* Severus, could you just...
Snape: Force-feed Crouch a potion to make him tell us everything? Gladly *shoves a vial into Crouch's mouth until it's empty*
McGonagall: Do you really need that much?
Snape: No, this is just more fun.
McGonagall: Jesus Christ... *turns to Barty Crouch Jr.* Are you going to answer all our questions?
Crouch Jr.: *in a monotonous voice* I shall, though it will take up seven pages of the book.
Harry: Fuck that, abridge it to the important details.
Crouch Jr.: Or else what?
Harry: Professor Snape, what's the most horrible potion you have that doesn't kill people?
Snape: I have one that makes you shit out your mouth.
Harry: Are you willing to force-feed him that one as well?
Snape: I don't take orders from you. It just so happens that our intentions overlap on this occasion.
Harry: Good. Now, tell us what we want to know.
Crouch Jr.: I will, when you actually specify what you want to know.
Harry: I thought we did.
Crouch Jr.: No, you asked if I'd answer your questions. You never specified what those questions were.
Harry: Is he allowed to be this snarky under the effects of truth serum?
Snape: There's no rule against it.
Harry: *sigh* Fuck it, how'd you get out of Azkaban? In ten words or less.
Crouch Jr.: Daddy dearest used Polyjuice Potion to switch me with mother.
Harry: *counting his words* Okay, and how'd you not escape before now? Again, ten words or less.
Crouch Jr.: Father kept control of me with the bloody Imperius curse.
Harry: *counts words again* Wait, are you...
McGonagall: What happened to Bertha Jorkins?
Crouch Jr.: *smirking* Well...
Harry: TEN WORDS OR LESS!
Crouch Jr.: Damn it... *realises he's already used three of his words* She found me, father charmed her senseless.
McGonagall: And then?
Crouch Jr.: Voldemort *very loud thundercrack* found her, tortured the absolute shit out of her.
Harry: And your father? Ten words or less.
Crouch Jr.: Found him, killed him, transfigured him into a bone, buried.
Dumbledore: Why a bone?
Crouch Jr.: Because I wanted to make a statement about him being boned, and by turning him into a bone, I made my point very clear. Because you see...
Winky: *crying* But master, your father...
McGonagall: You do know that since he's dead, he's not going to realise you made that incredibly lame joke?
Crouch Jr.: ...fuck.
Snape: Did you also know that, while under the effects of any truth serum, no matter how strong, you can say the words 'I don't wish to say', and since that's true, you can avoid telling anyone anything?
Crouch Jr.: Fuck.
Snape: And that what I fed you wasn't truth serum at all, but actually just regular water?
Crouch Jr.: FUCK!
Harry: As much as I hate to admit it, that was pretty clever.
Snape: Quiet Potter.