Lexa

I stared glumly out of the kitchen door window, watching the snow fall thickly and taking a heavy pull from a bottle of beer. It was Christmas Day and I was once again alone in an empty house during a holiday that was meant to be shared by friends and family. It was meant to be filled with joy and laughter. Love and anticipation. Instead, days like today only seemed to amplify how achingly lonely I was.

I sighed and moved away from the window and back out into the living room where my laptop hummed. I sat on the couch and brought it back to life as I took another swallow of the beer. The screen blurred a little bit, making me squint to make it come back into focus.

Crap, how many beers have I had already?

I glanced over to the right and saw that there were at least four empty bottles sitting there. Dammit, it wasn't even noon yet. I growled low and shook my head, ignoring the slight dizziness from the action. I tried to concentrate on the emails regarding the New Year's Eve party, but my damn eyes refused to focus and I ended up slamming the laptop closed, shaking the empty bottles. I glared at them as I polished off the one in my hand and grabbed another one. I popped the cap off and started guzzling it down, trying to drown my sorrows. I knew it wouldn't work, it never did, but I wasn't above hoping that maybe this time it would.

My best friend hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I had tried talking to her after she had sobered up, but it had proven to be an exercise in futility. As soon as those doors had opened, she had been out and damn near growling a challenge at me. That had been a tense moment. Both of us staring at one another and I had tried again to explain that I was in the wrong about the whole situation, but she refused to listen and instead blamed the whole thing on Clarke. If it hadn't been for Clarke's arrival, I would have never told her that I didn't love her. If it hadn't been for my physical attraction to Clarke, Anya would have been in my bed. If Clarke wasn't an Alpha, I would have given Anya the time of day. Anya now obsessively hated her and I hoped that it wouldn't escalate to a point that something bad happened.

I studied my ceiling as I leaned back on the couch and thought about the only other turbulence in my life that made me ache. Clarke. We had become accidental friends and it was possible that we would become truer friends. Then there was that physical attraction that I had to contend with. I had never had such a strong physical reaction to someone like when I had first laid eyes on her. My body wanted to move closer on it's own accord. To feel her skin against mine. To merge with her. To taste her. To claim her. It was excruciating to be near her and not touch her. Then for her to admit that she felt the same way. It became torturous. And let's not forget the kiss. That fucking kiss that made my body heat and yearn for something that I could not have.

After that kiss, I couldn't sleep that night as I kept feeling her lips against mine, our tongues barely touching. I hadn't wanted that kiss to end and when it did, I had wanted to pull her back and kiss again. I had wanted to hear her moan and feel my hand in her hair. I had wanted to do so much, but I couldn't. I shouldn't because she was seeing Janice. She was with Janice and I felt such a strong surge of jealousy when I thought about the fact that Janice could have Clarke in a way I couldn't. I felt that I should feel guilty about it, but I couldn't. I wanted Clarke, pure and simple, and the only thing in my way was Janice. The predator in me wanted to remove Janice and claim Clarke as my own, but I bit that beast down hard. I wasn't going to do that. I wasn't going to jeopardize Clarke's happiness just because I wasn't the one making her happy. Or making her come. I briefly wondered if Janice made her scream when she came, but quickly turned my thoughts away from that scenario or any other scenario that I pictured the two of them doing.

I stood up abruptly, holding my hand out to balance myself as a wave of dizziness enveloped me. I needed air. I needed the forest. I needed to get lost for a moment or ten or fifty. I stripped completely and walked quickly to the kitchen door. I took one last glance at my empty home and stepped through. The storm's wind made me stagger as my breath seized in my chest, frozen and unmoving. I managed a small breath and shifted. The fur helped slightly, but it didn't take away all of the cold, so I started moving. Leaping through the tall mounds of snow and plowing through what I could. As soon as I entered the forest proper, the wind cut back and I started racing through the trees.

My chest ached as I breathed in the cold air, my body warming up as I continued to move, and I could barely see through the snow. My fur froze as it became coated, but I continued to move. Running when I could, walking when I couldn't. I lost all track of time and distance. My thoughts swirled around my loneliness and my ache for Clarke. I paused and howled my misery for a long moment, but only heard myself echoed back in a forest that seemed empty of life. Much like my life. This forest was my life. Empty and hollow. Devoid of anything worthwhile.

When the light dimmed, I stopped and looked around me. The storm had changed the landscape and I had no idea where I was. I turned around in the direction I had come from, but my tracks had already disappeared. I was lost. Well and truly lost. I took a deep breath as I felt panic strike me. I was alone and I had told no one that I was coming out here. I growled at my incompetence and lack of thought. I had made an impulsive decision because I was drunk and lonely. I was going to get myself killed and no one would know where to find me.

I needed to get back home. That's what I needed to do, so I walked back in the direction I had come from. As I started to run, I tried to figure out where I was, but the landscape was too changed. The snow coming down too hard and the light diminishing too quickly. I ran on, trying desperately to find something familiar. Something to guide me in the right direction, but I couldn't. I couldn't find a damn thing and I was beginning to tire. My body began to ache as the cold leeched it's way into my bones. My breath became ragged as I pushed myself further and further into the gloom.

I was so turned around and so blinded by the snow and the dark that I didn't realize that I had stepped into air until I found myself tumbling head over tail, hitting and breaking every obstacle in my path until I came to a stop against a tree. I hit hard enough that the lowest branches shook and the weight of the snow fell on top of me. Burying me. I lay there stunned as I tried to get my head to stop spinning and my thoughts to become coherent. I dug my way out of the snow, my body now shivering from the freezing temperature and I knew I was in really big trouble. I knew that if I couldn't find shelter and fast that there was a very strong possibility that I could freeze to death.

I took a deep and pain filled breath, my ribs screaming in protest along with my lungs. I seemed to have cracked several ribs in my tumble. I looked towards the direction of my fall, but I couldn't make anything out. I took a few tentative steps and my right back leg collapsed on me, making me fall down. The pain shooting up it was enough to make me howl in pain. With tears threatening to freeze on my face, I turned to look at it and could barely make out that it looked odd. Like a part of it was pushed out more than it should be. I had broken it, but I couldn't let it stop me from finding shelter. I got up again and without putting any weight on the leg, started moving slowly. Each step more painful than the previous.

I didn't know where I was going, but I hoped that I wasn't heading towards the ledge. I knew that I wouldn't be able to see it, not in this weather which meant that I could very well fall to my death if that happened. I shuddered, sending another spasm of pain throughout my body. I continued to move and I fought to keep conscious. The cold and the pain, making my thoughts sluggish and the need to rest for just a bit ratcheted up in need. I couldn't stop. To stop meant death and I really didn't want to die. Not like this. Not alone in the middle of a fucking snow storm.

I kept moving until I stumbled for the hundredth time. This time, when I tried to get up and keep moving, my body refused to. I was in too much pain. I felt frozen and I could barely raise my head up. This was where I stopped. This was where I knew that I could go no further and my life was at the mercy of the storm around me. I panted as the snow fell, covering me like a blanket. My head dropped, exhausted from trying to hold it up and I felt the cold darkness reach for my mind. I couldn't stop it and my last thought was of Clarke.

I dreamed. I dreamed of many things. I dreamed of my parents. I dreamed of my grandfather. My childhood. Costia. The few friends that I had. I dreamed the stories my father had told me growing up. Of the story about the first werewolves to ever exist. I dreamed of Clarke's friends. Mostly, though, I dreamt of Clarke. When I dreamt of her, I felt warmth and the undeniable truth that I could trust her with my life.

At some point, I dreamed of being lifted and carried. I dreamt of soft hands and soft murmurs. I dreamt of warmth and being surrounded. I dreamt of finally being safe.

I woke partially, pain still ever present. I couldn't focus on my surroundings, but I could hear soft murmurs. I recognized them as voices, but try as I might, I couldn't make out the words. The darkness claimed me again, driving out the murmurs and the pain. I slept with Clarke still predominantly in my dreams.

I woke several times and each time with more clarity. I still didn't know where I was or what the voices were saying, but I knew that I was safe and warm. I knew I was still in my wolf form, but I still felt too weak to shift. I also felt my leg bound and held in place. I really had done something to it. My breathing was easier, which meant that my ribs were healing. Whatever I had been through, I was apparently recovering.

I shifted and moaned in discomfort then stiffened when I heard someone approaching. I inhaled deeply and opened my eyes wide in surprise at the scent that filled me. It was Clarke. I moved my head, looking for her and watched as she approached me. I studied her face and was surprised to see so many emotions cross her face as she crouched near my head.

She hesitantly reached up and stroked my head, her fingers caressing my fur and making me close my eyes in pleasure. I felt tears prick my eyes as I opened them to look at her again. She smiled sadly as she stroked me for a bit.

"I'm glad to see you awake, Lex," she said quietly and I could hear the relief in her voice. "We've been worried about you. You gave us quite a scare. Octavia found you right outside a small cave south of here, nearly frozen. You cracked quite a few ribs and broke your right leg. You've also been out for about two days."

I looked at her in shock. Two days. I've been unconscious for two days. I was lucky to be alive and knew that when I could finally shift, I'd have a lot to answer for.

"You've got a lot to answer for, Lexa," she said, following my thoughts. "Lincoln and Anya have been besides themselves with worry since Octavia called Lincoln. I convinced them to keep you here until you can shift back, which you should be able to in a couple of days." Then her voice changed, there was fear tinged with anger, "What the hell were you thinking? Going out in the middle of a fucking snow storm without anyone with you or letting anyone know. Of all of the stupidest things I have ever heard, this is by far the stupidest. Do you realize that you could've died? You were so close, Lexa. You were mere hours away from dying. Do you realize what your death would've done to everyone? Your pack? Your friends?"

I winced and whined because she was right. I had let my emotions override my common sense and it had nearly cost me everything. Putting all that aside, I was damn lucky to have been found at all and that I owed everything to Clarke and her friends for saving me.

"You still need to rest, Lexa," she said as she continued to stroke my head. "Your leg's nearly healed, which is surprising. I guess my people aren't the only ones with a few surprises in their genetics. We figure that it'll be safe enough for you to shift without fucking up your leg in a couple of days or so."

I nodded my head and she leaned back to smile. She started to run her fingernails up the area between my eyes gently, from nose to the top of my head, and I started to feel more relaxed and sleepy. I felt my eyes grow heavy and I couldn't help myself, I fell asleep and for the first time in months, I felt at peace.