The Vented Pixie
A/N: some swearing in this chapter.
El walked into their music room. Mike recognized the look right away.
"Out with it Pixie, you look pissed off."
"The Go-Gos, Belinda Carlisle, even the warbly songs, The Bangles, Madonna, Enya. Katrina and the Waves."
"Girl pop."
"Yes, and 11 as a band is let a popular phase in music just pass us by." She held up her hand. "Don't say it Mike, I am not replacing Max's voice or keyboard talent."
Mike shrugged, "I don't know what to tell you El, if that's what's stopping you, then you have to convince Max. Have you thought about doing another album of covers?"
"I think I've beaten that one into the ground. And I don't want the music press to keep comparing me to Bonnie Tyler, or Melissa Etheridge. I'm thrilled to be considered in the same company as those two, but I need to stand out on my own."
"I think you stand on your own, your music is unique, even the covers you do have a great spin on them. You've been told by some of the artists themselves that they wish they'd done the version you did, instead of the way they did it."
"I always tell them, never to second guess their own decisions, they were the right ones to make at the time they made them. This generational thing with music is difficult for bands that have been around a while."
"I know what you mean, KISS puts out a disco album, hair bands come out of nowhere. Punk rock… which never really got any traction over here, The Clash aside. That Terry Jacks' song becomes truer every year. And now we've got this I don't know what to call it, grunge maybe, out of Seattle, a band called Nirvana is making some noise there."
"You think I should jump on a new style?"
"It's not like you haven't done it before. Also you are angry right now, perfect time to do an album of angry songs, with your voice and maybe a crunchier bass sound, I think it could take off."
Mike could see El taking his words in. She looked like she was seriously thinking about it. "And even if that style of music goes nowhere, you have some caché. All 11 fans will buy the album, you may even be the person who pushes that style of music to the forefront. Make Nirvana bigger than they should be."
El began nodding, and then a big smile aimed at Mike, "I've already got some song ideas. Thanks Mike... I'm so going to do you right now."
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"Ok, I was a little pissed off, but you've centred me once again. I remember what I came into to ask you."
"What was that Pixie?"
"For the last few days, you look like you've been struggling to tell me something."
"Uh, yeah, Rock Music Magazine, wants me to write a regular column for them. They gave me carte blanche to review any album past or present."
"They probably just want to have your name on the masthead, no surprise there, but why would you be afraid to tell me that?"
"I didn't want you to think I was abandoning your music while I was racking my brain over articles to write. Also there is a little conflict of interest. You just know they are going to ask me to try and give an objective review of your new album."
"Mike, you've always given me your honest opinion. No matter how much it pissed me off. Which it rarely did." El smiled at him. "So you review it objectively, I'll be pissed off if you don't. I'll never be angry with you Mike. I love you way too much to let that kind of thing bother me."
"Thanks El. I'm so going to do you now."
El giggled, but she was ready.
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I would like to thank the publishers and editors of Rock Music Magazine for giving me this open ended opportunity to review albums.
I'm guessing most if not all the readership of this magazine knows me through my wife and her band 11.
Let's get on with it. Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. If for some reason you haven't heard this album at least once, or by some weird alternate reality thing have never heard of The Beatles. You should probably stop reading this magazine now. [ed. don't tell them that!].
It's the best album that has ever been written or recorded in the history of music, including the shadoof song. Every album that has been recorded after that, was influenced by that album. Basically I'm saying that there has been no original music written or recorded by anybody anywhere in the world after that album came out.
If you are sensing some sarcasm here you'd be right. I am so fucking TIRED of hearing that shit written in other reviews from music critics I respect. Are there some catchy songs on the album? Of course there are. They are The Beatles. Lennon and McCartney know how to write a catchy song or two.
But what happens when a group gets so big that their fans, their managers, their record producers and publishers, and finally the group themselves get so full of themselves that they can put out a double album of farting in the moonlight and all the girls and some of the guys will faint in the aisles when they perform it on stage?
Here's what happens: You get whiny fucking songs like Paperback Writer, or Michelle. C'mon people listen to those songs and tell me that's not whiny shit that should be written on toilet paper so it can be flushed properly.
I'm not saying that other bands haven't been influenced by them. You only need to hear a Badfinger song, or anything from Klaatu's first three albums to see that.
And full disclosure I own a copy of Rubber Soul, the European version, because it had Norwegian Wood on it.
Should you own at least one Beatles album? Yeah, I think you should. You'll be much happier with your purchase though if it's NOT Sgt. Pepper's
Ok. I'm done. My apologies to the mailroom when the hate mail starts coming in.
Mike Wheeler [Rock Music Magazine]
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El looked up from the magazine at Mike wide eyed. "I can't believe they printed everything you wrote!"
"That is exactly the kind of caché you have. If I were anybody else, I'd never get away with it. I just trashed The Beatles. Nobody does that. It's taboo."
"I hope you don't trash my new album like that."
"Are you kidding? It's a great album, I just wish it was original and not completely influenced by Sgt. Pepper"
El threw a pillow at him.
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[The following is a transcript for an unreleased show]
RMR: Ok, I feel privileged that when I last gushed over El Wheeler's voice, I told her that I could listen to her sing entries from a phone book. She sent me a recording of just that. I will treasure it forever and I will not leak it.
EW: [laughs] I didn't have to write the lyrics for that.
RMR: We're gonna jump right into this album. For the last few of you living under a rock when it comes to El Wheeler, the album is called The Vented Pixie. This is an angry album. It's also the first of your album's to get a parental warning. Ironically for the song that that's responsible for the warning, because complains about getting the warning even though it didn't have it when you record it.
EW: I won't say it on the air, I have more respect for you guys than that. Can I give a hint?
RMR: [nods]
EW: A not so veiled euphemism for the song is See You Next Tuesday. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely hate that word. It's demeaning to women. It's vile. Mike didn't want me to use it, but I insisted. After all, I have no record company telling me what I can or can't do. Here's treat for your listeners. If you play the song backwards, every time that word comes up you hear the word "censorship".
RMR: Very appropriate. Isn't backward masking expensive to do?
EW: It is. And you need a good engineer to do it. Thankfully I'm really good friends with one of the best in the business.
RMR: That would be Lucas Sinclair.
EW: [smiles]. It would.
RMR: And you know I hate to say this, but we can't play any of the songs on this show.
EW: [looks at me sympathetically] I knew this would happen. But you know what? It hasn't made any difference in sales. All this bad publicity and the album is selling really well. All due to word of mouth. But I want to treat your listeners. Open up the phone lines and I will sing any song they request, acapella.
RMR: Listeners, this is why El Wheeler is one of the nicest people in the biz.
[For the rest of the show El sings requests, in order she sang, I'll Feel a Whole Lot Better - The Byrds, Let It Be - The Beatles (you can hear crying in the studio), Amazing Grace, Pigs On the Wing (Parts I and II) - Pink Floyd, Murder - David Gilmour. ]
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RMM regrets that the show featuring El Wheeler's The vented Pixie album, was not allowed to be broadcast. But because print is still a protected medium, here is the list of songs from that album. If you like El's Wheelers voice… what can we say!
The Vented Pixie
Cunt
Kill the Stupid
Bunghole
Pretentious Wanker
Go FCC Yourself (Sideways)
Shit For Brains
Unicorns and Assholes
Rock Music Magazine (editorial)