Guilt isn't always rational.
Shame even less so.
Knowing this doesn't stop either one from consuming her thoughts throughout the day.
She can't focus at work.
In her mind's eye all she can see is Naruto's angry expression and hear the frustration in his voice. He's frayed and spiraling and she is trying to hold the pieces together.
She feels bad leaving him alone, but she knows that she is not what he needs right now.
Actually, she has no idea what he needs right now and that scares her.
She just wants him to be safe.
To be happy.
To be Naruto.
She also needs a paycheck. Rent doesn't pay itself, nor does Naruto's medication.
So she tries to shut out the drama and focus.
It works for all of ten minutes before she sees his blue (so blue) eyes flash across her mind. He looked so betrayed-like she was actively trying to hurt him. Some part of her knew that she was hurting him-unintentional or not-and it made her chest ache. The alternative was to let him hurt himself, though, and she just couldn't let that happen.
She'd be his scapegoat.
He could get pissed at her.
He could yell.
Curse.
Hit.
She could take it.
She's supposed to be typing up a report, but her mind circles back to the same thoughts over and over…
Maybe if she was more...she didn't know...just more then maybe he would...he wouldn't…
She didn't know.
Something.
Anything.
Why couldn't she just fix this for him?
Why can't she make it right?
Her thoughts are splintered and incomplete.
She can't focus.
Her bracelet slides between her fingers.
She wonders if this is a glimpse of what it's like to be Naruto, but then shakes it off. She knows that for him it's much worse.
"Hinata." There's a knock on her door. "We're starting."
She's not even close to prepared. She'll just have to fake it. "Oh, uhm, yes. I'll be right there. Just...one sec." She clears her throat. Her voice sounds strained, even to her own ears.
"Hey, are you okay?"
Hinata forces false cheer into her voice. "Of course."
It's a lie.
It's been a lie for awhile now.
She doesn't dwell on it.
She grabs her laptop and gets to work.
She opts to do the grocery shopping herself.
She's not quite ready to face Naruto yet. She needs to settle herself and prepare herself.
She performs a sort of mental roundup as she picks up produce-shoving her own insecurities and hurts and issues into a corner.
Near the meats, she tidies up her anger and frustration.
Picking up some bread, she tucks away her sadness.
In the end if that leaves her a bit distant and closed off, she can't help it. It's how she will cope, and how she will be able to do what needs to be done.
What's important is Naruto.
She can handle this.
If she's lying to herself again, she ignores it.
He's waiting for her at the door when she gets home-practically bouncing. His eyes flick to the bags she carries and part of her feels the bite of guilt again. Grocery shopping wasn't the most exciting thing, but it was kind of their thing. Something they did together.
When he speaks his voice is too fast and sharp and she knows she unintentionally hurt him-again. "Welcome home. I missed you a whole lot. How was work? What did you do today? A lot of meetings?"
She hasn't quite made it inside yet. She's standing awkwardly at in the doorway, bags in her arms because she can't get past him. He fills the entry with his body and his energy. His blond hair is tousled, his eyes glittering-alive and flickering from her eyes to her lips back to her eyes.
"It was good." She purposefully keeps her tone even as she carefully navigates around him. She had thought herself ready to face him, but seeing him like this...it just reminds her of how she's failing him. Of how he's so damn stubborn.
And it hurts.
She doesn't want it to hurt. She knows he's not trying to hurt her anymore than she's trying to hurt him...but the hurt is the same. Intentional or not.
And the hurt pricks her anger.
She swallows it back.
He takes one of the bags from her arms, peeking in to briefly examine what she purchased.
"So I was thinking. Y'know, 'cause I love you like, a whole lot. That, maybe, I wanna get a tattoo. Like, for you. Like, maybe, your name or-"
The groceries she's carrying slam on the counter. Maybe she didn't swallow it far enough.
"Don't get another tattoo."
He stops. "What? Why?"
"You know why." She looks at him pointedly.
He looks unexpectedly dejected and vulnerable. "But, it's different this time. I want to do it for you."
She's never held anything he's done against him before, and she feels like an ass doing it now. She takes a steadying breath. "You don't need to. I know you love me."
He nods, almost unconsciously.
He does love her.
She's never doubted that.
He's never given her a reason to.
She turns from the groceries and wraps her arms around his waist, tucking herself tight to his chest and giving a squeeze. His arms come up automatically and she feels the deep breath of relief he exhales.
Closing her eyes, she nuzzles her nose closer. She knows he needs to hear that she doesn't blame him."I know you didn't mean to do it this morning." She reassures him, but pauses and licks her lips. He needs to hear this, too. "It's because you're not taking your medication. It will get better if you just take it."
Please.
He hums a sound and she tightens her hold.
Please.