set·back

/ˈsetˌbak/

noun

a reversal or check in progress.

Naruto calls her sometimes.

He sounds better.

Maybe not better better. But better.

And that makes her so proud.

And...sad.

She hates that about herself.

She hates that it kind of hurts her that he's doing okay without her.

She knew he could do it.

So why does that hurt?

She wants him to be okay.

She just...wanted him to need her too.

And that's unfair.

And makes her feel like a shitty person.

Because, maybe she is a shitty person.

Maybe she was the reason that he never progressed.

Hanabi's words flit about her mind like aggressive hummingbirds of self-doubt.

What if it was her fault that he regressed?

Why work for something if you have no reason to?

She never let him fail because she was so scared of the outcome.

She didn't allow him to grow. She smothered him.

She thinks about the sign outside of 's office. "Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle."

She still doesn't like it-but she gets it.

And she feels like a failure.

One night, after a pretty good week, Hinata wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with her heart trying to hammer it's way out of her chest and unable to breathe.

It's a panic attack.

She's never had one before, but she's been with Naruto when he has, so she tries to remember all of the things she used to tell him to do to calm himself.

Focus on an object.

If that doesn't work, close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

Breathe deep.

Do all of this while simultaneously feeling like everything is out of control and terrified out of her mind.

Harder than it sounds, it turns out.

It's over fairly quickly, but the after-effects linger. Her hands are still tingling and shaking when her alarm goes off hours later. She has to get up for work.

It's hard.

Harder than it has ever been before.

She thinks about Naruto, and how every day must have felt something like this for him, and she sits down in front of her door-keys in one hand, tote bag in the other-and just cries.

She tries to analyze the attack. Tries to pick out the trigger. So she can avoid it in the future.

"There usually isn't one," Inoichi tells her. "Panic attacks are not anxiety attacks. They often arrive without provocation and without a stressor."

"I've been pretty anxious," Hinata reminds him. If for no other reason than to feel like she has some control over it.

He nods indulgently and jots down some notes.

He's probably scrawling: in denial she thinks, and then makes a face at her own cynicism.

Inoichi watches her.

She sighs

She knows that look too.

"I'm not...I don't want to hurt myself."

"I didn't ask."

She nods. "Yeah, but I know that comes next."

He seems almost amused, but it's a gentle humor. "Does it now?"

Hinata shrugs, feeling a bit brittle. "It always did with Naruto."

"You're not Naruto," he reminds her.

No. She's not.

Naruto is the radiant sun.

A force of nature.

A mountain of untapped potential.

She's just Hinata.

And that's never been enough.