She doesn't remember the funeral. She doesn't remember much about the time immediately after.
What she remembers is that her mother was dressed in white when they found her.
And her father's anger.
It doesn't take long for the guilt to set in.
They're six holes down when the tears come.
She has a hard time breathing.
It's not quite a panic attack, but it's close.
At least this time she can pinpoint a trigger.
Choji immediately takes her back home. He keeps looking at her during the drive.
"I'm sorry," she whispers over and over, sniffling pathetically in his passenger seat while her mascara smears down her cheeks. "I'm sorry."
For his part, Choji is as kind and understanding as he's always been. "Hey, it's okay," he tells her.
It's not okay.
She knows that.
He must too, because before they reach her place, he says, "I don't think it's a great idea for you to be alone right now. Should I call Ino?"
Hinata shakes her head no. Ino was away for the weekend with Sai. She was not about to interrupt them.
Choji lets out a deep breath. "I'd offer to stay, but I think that's probably the worst solution right now."
"It's okay," Hinata whispers. She feels pathetic.
She is pathetic.
"I'm just going to go to bed. I'll be alright." She tries for a reassuring smile, but it comes up short.
He's reluctant. "Is there anyone else I could call for you? Another friend?"
Kiba flashes through her mind, followed by Shino, but she's not sure they're any better options. Kiba would want to beat the hell out of Naruto for upsetting her-even if she's the one that upset herself and Shino has important work on Monday, so the last thing he needs is her baggage weighing him down.
Still, Choji is looking at her with his warm brown eyes and concern etched on his every feature, so she lies to him.
"Yeah, I have a friend I can call."
He walks her to her door. "Do you want me to call when I get home?"
She shakes her head, tucking her hair behind her ears, avoiding his searching gaze. "Just text me, so I know you arrived safe."
"And you'll be calling someone. To stay?"
She nods.
It's easier to lie if she can avoid the words.
He waits until she's safely inside and the door latched behind her before she hears him leave. She presses her forehead to the painted wood and shudders.
Her brain is a whirring mess of guilty accusations.
Of reflexive self-doubt.
Of blame.
She just wants to shut it off.
Just for tonight.
That's all she's thinking about when she goes into her bathroom.
That's all that's on her mind when she takes one, two, three...a half dozen more sleeping pills than she needs.
She's not trying to kill herself. Really.
She just wants everything to stop.
Just for a little while.