For those reading both CSE and this story, this chapter takes place AFTER chapter 32 CSE but before chapter 33.
Communication was the key to any good relationship.
She's heard that before-from TV talk shows, to legit psychiatrists-and yet Hinata has never really managed to communicate herself effectively.
She was always too shy, too quiet, too unassuming.
When she does manage it, she always feels like maybe she's overstepped.
Her thoughts really didn't matter that much, anyway.
She feels a little drunk after their movie date. Tipsy on happiness. She tries to reign it in, because while she had a really good time, she knows that the issues that were there before are still there-beneath the surface of their interactions and she doesn't want to get ahead of herself.
She can't reign it in all the way though, and the next time she's at Eight Gates, Lee comments on how she 'positively glows with youthful energy'.
She kind of felt like she was glowing, so she simply smiles and blushes.
Guy Sensei teases her about it; asking her about her beau and carrying on about the beauty of young love. She blushes even more and shoos them out of her space, but the smile doesn't leave her face for days.
She knows that she still has a lot of work to do-on herself-but she feels that cautious optimism that Ino encouraged, and she's trying really hard to stay focused on the good things and her accomplishments. Small things, but good things, she thinks...so, of course, her happy little bubble gets popped.
By none other than the person that put her in it.
She's on her way out the door when Naruto calls.
"Hey," she answers, fishing in her purse for her keys and making sure that Argus's snacks are in the side pocket. Satisfied, she zips it up awkwardly with one hand and motions for Argus to wait by the door. "I can't really talk right now, I'm on my way out. Can I call you back?"
"Hot date?" He asks it like he's joking, but she can hear the edge in his voice.
Hinata pauses, because she is meeting Choji at the park, but he's bringing his new semi-serious girlfriend. So, it's not a date, but now might be a good time to clarify what her "dating" had entailed. Her pause is a bit too long, however, because Naruto gives a gruff half-laugh, taking her silence as confirmation.
"Well, shit, don't let me keep you from your good time." It's bitter.
"Naruto, don't be like that-"
"Like what?"
She doesn't want to fight. "Don't be mad."
He blows out a loud breath. "I'm not mad. Go. Enjoy yourself. Have a great time. Just don't expect me to want to hear about it, okay? I'm not so messed up in the head that I want to punish myself like that." He mumbles something, low, but she catches it. "That's your job."
Everything in her suddenly feels too warm. Her skin tingles. Her chest feels tight. He's had so many people hurt him in his life, and she knows that she's now among their numbers, but she's never, ever, done it with malice. The fact that he can think that of her hurts more than she can express. "Do you think...that's what this is? That I'm trying to punish you?"
There's no answer from him. She doesn't know for certain what's going through his mind, but she has a pretty good idea. "I'm not trying to punish you," she whispers into the phone. "I'm not...I don't want to hurt you. I'm not doing any of this to hurt you."
On the other end Naruto gives a humorless laugh. "What then? You're doing it for me? Because you sure as hell didn't ask my opinion. I would have liked a say in my own fucking life."
Hinata wants to pull her hair-and maybe his. "It's my life, too," she counters. "It's not just about you. I'm doing this for me ." Sensing her mood, Argus moves away from the door and makes his way to her side, pressing his head into her thigh. Offering silent comfort.
"You ruined my fucking life and broke my heart for yourself? Well, damn, Hina, I hope it helped. I hope you're fucking happy now." His voice drips with sarcasm. She hurt him and he wants to hurt her.
She takes a few unsteady breaths, and her anger is replaced with an aching sense of loss. She shakes her head, a horrible realization settling over her. "No you don't," she whispers.
"Don't what?" he snaps.
"You don't want me happy. At least...not without you."
He's quiet. That tells her so much more than anything else.
"I want you to be happy," she tells him, blinking her burning eyes. "Even if that means it's not with me. Even if that means watching you move on. I want that for you. So much. I want that so much. And you don't…You can't..." She swallows thickly. "But that's okay," she assures him, nodding, even if he can't see her. "It's okay if you don't want that for me. I understand." And she does. She thinks, if she was him, she may even hate her a little bit.
"I want you happy," he defends, some of the heat drained from his voice, but the bitterness lingers. "Of course I do. But I don't know how to make you happy. It's like I don't even know you anymore."
She wants to tell him that she doesn't really know herself either, and that's one of the things that she's working on, but he's Naruto, and he will just try to fill her up. He'll use his light and his optimism and his willpower to lift her. And as tempting as that is, she doesn't want that. She wants to be able to stand on her own; to feel worthy on her own.
She's not there yet.
Plus, he has so much on his own plate, she doesn't want to add her trouble to the mix. He's making such good progress without her and she doesn't want to drag him down.
"It's not up to you," she tells him, gently. "It's not your responsibility to make me happy. Okay? It's not...it's not like that right now. I need you to understand that. It's hard to put into words, but trust me, please, when I say: this really is not about you."
"Don't lie to me," his voice cracks. "You left because of me."
Hinata's throat tightens. She had hoped to avoid this for a little longer. Until she felt a little more stable, but she can't allow him to think this was all his fault. She doesn't want to keep hurting him. That was never her intention. But, as Inoichi pointed out to her, not too long ago, intention and reality are not always the same. "No," she denies, settling down onto the floor so that Argus can curl up beside her. He places his head in her lap-his soulful eyes watchful.
"I need you to listen to me, okay? Really listen."
Naruto makes an affirmative noise.
"The night I left I was hurt, yes, but it was more than that. I needed to get away, because…"
I wanted to hurt you back. She doesn't say that. She knows he will think he deserved it.
"Because I wasn't in a good place, emotionally. And neither were you. If I had stayed we would have just hurt one another even more."
"Not sure I could have hurt much more," he replies and the sadness in his voice eats at her. "You didn't even try to come back."
"I wasn't ready." She takes a deep breath. "I'm still not ready...I'm-I'm not sure I-" In truth, she has not yet examined all the broken pieces of her heart. She doesn't know if it can be put back together, and if it can...she is uncertain as to whether she would trust it so soon.
"I get it," he cuts her off quickly. "Space. You need space. Got it."
He doesn't get it. But she doesn't know how to explain it so that he will understand.
"I'm sorry," she tells him. Sorry that she wasn't stronger. Sorry that she couldn't be the person he needed her to be. Sorry that she was who she was. She wipes at her eyes. She's crying in earnest now. All she's ever wanted to do was make him happy and love him, and she couldn't even do that right.
On the phone Naruto exhales. "Oh, hey, please don't cry, Hina. I'm the asshole, ya'know. I'm sorry I lost my temper. Go on your date. Have a good time. I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me."
He's deflecting, pretending in that false confidence way of his, but she already feels emotionally drained, and can't muster a counter argument. Plus she really is running late. Still…
"It's not a date. I'm not dating anyone else." She feels awkward and embarrassed revealing that after he's told her that he's been on tons of dates, but she wants to be honest and avoid any more unnecessary hurt.
She hangs up before he can respond and buries her face against Argus's scruff feeling almost as vulnerable and raw as the night she left him.