Once again much thanks to BMG, through thick and thin she helps keep the worst of my americanisms in line.
And yay for nano I spose? I hope you all like this next installment!
"No." The Doctor stated flatly, "Absolutely not."
Donna looked at the Doctor, surprised by the absolute finality in his voice but also the cold turn his thoughts had taken. She opened her mouth to argue, but Wilf beat her to it.
"Doctor, Mars would be amazing to see first-hand. I mean the moon will be great, but that's practically on our doorstep and isn't really considered another planet, but Mars is different. I remember dreaming about Mars when I was younger and to actually have the chance to go there before I die?"
The Doctor looked away from the concern in Donna's eyes and met Wilf's eager gaze, his hearts had clenched when Wilf had just casually thrown the red planet out as a possibility for their trip. He had carefully avoided any mention of Mars, and when it had seemed that the conversation started to drift towards that planet he had carefully steered it in another direction.
Now though it was out there in the open and he hadn't been able to stop the cold fist of fear that had gripped him when his thoughts had instantly flown back to Bowie Base One. It was still too soon to go back there, he barely had a handle on his emotions and the rage that had risen so swiftly within him when he'd tried to change history and ended up robbing a woman of her destiny.
"You're going to have to go back someday, Doctor. You're going to have to face those demons."
The Doctor's gaze flew back to Donna, his hand clenching around his mug before he set it down with a soft sigh. "Not yet, Donna, not yet."
Wilf leaned forward, his hand covering the Doctor's cooler hand with his own wrinkled one. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I didn't even think when I mentioned Mars, but Donna's right. You can't run from your ghosts forever, they'll always catch up with you in the end. What better time to face those demons then with Donna and I right there beside you?"
The Doctor's forced his hand open again, his mind shying away from the touch of Donna's thoughts as she tried to ease some of the pain that he was feeling, but he wasn't ready for her comfort and he also knew that he wasn't ready to face the demons of Mars. "Thank you, Wilf. But some demons are never meant to be faced, and these are some of those demons. I'll take you to any other planet in the solar system, but I simply can't take you to Mars. I'm sorry." The Doctor rose to his feet and left the kitchen, the shock of his sudden departure casting a pall over the room as Donna and Wilf looked helplessly at each other.
The banter had been infectious and they'd both gotten caught up in the laughter as they'd thrown out more and more ridiculous ideas for destinations and Wilf had just thrown out his lifelong dream as a possibility. He'd remembered looking up at the stars through his army issue binoculars during his national service, his eyes had invariably found the glittering red dot that was Mars and he would sit dreaming of a more peaceful life. Later in life, he continued to watch the red planet through his telescope, keeping track of the moods of the planet and learning all he could about it and the rest of the universe.
"I'm sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't even think about it when I mentioned Mars, but can he continue to run from these memories?" Wilf looked out towards the corridor where the Doctor had disappeared, the frown on his face was full of concern for that wonderful alien who carried the weight of the universe on his shoulders.
Donna sighed softly, her mind still gently stroking the Doctor's thoughts though she could tell that her attentions were hardly welcome. The Doctor had retreated into a shell of silence and like he did during those times, he had gone back to their room and had vanished into his workspace where he could lose himself in mindless work for a little while before he calmed down. He couldn't send the Tardis on random with her grandfather on board, and so that usual means of coping with troubling emotions was denied him at this time.
She looked back to her granddad and shook her head, rising to her feet and wrapping him in a gentle hug. "It's alright, Gramps. It was going to come up at some point anyway, it may as well have been now before we really got started." She frowned as she pulled back from her grandfather, her hand rising to stroke his beloved cheek before she shook her head with a sigh. "You're right though, there really is no better time than now to face those demons because I worry that he will have to go back to that planet at some point, whether he likes it or not. I'm so worried about what would happen down the road if he didn't try to deal with those demons now when he had the support of his family around him, but this is something that we can't force on him. He needs to figure it out in his own good time."
Wilf's breath caught when he heard Donna's words, his hand reaching up to grasp hers tightly before he murmured. "Do you really think he'd have a panic attack if he had to go back to Mars?"
"I don't know, Gramps. But his reaction tonight just proved that he's not willing to even entertain the possibility."
She squeezed Wilf's hand before she grabbed the dirty mugs and made her way over to the sink to begin washing the dishes.
Wilf came up behind her with the last of the dishes, his hand reaching into the sink to take the mug that she was fiddling with from her hands. "You go to him, Donna. He needs you right now. I'll clean up here and I'm sure this lovely ship will make sure I find my way to my room for the night."
Donna turned to look at her grandfather, her eyes misting when she saw the genuine love and concern in his eyes. She reached for a towel and dried her hands before she wrapped him up in a warm embrace. "Thank you, Gramps. I'm sorry that the night ended poorly, but give it a day or so and he'll be back to his crazy self. Sometimes, the memories become overwhelming for him and he just needs to hide away for a little while before he can get control of them again."
Donna took a deep breath when she remembered the anguish he'd felt on Bellatrix Prime when all his memories had been laid bare after the augers had foretold of the deaths of millions because of the second chance that he had been given. It had taken more than a few days for those demons to stop screaming at him, and his control was still tenuous after those events and the events that they had just endured aboard the Tardis.
Perhaps this wasn't the best time to try to tackle his demons of Mars.
"Go on then, sweetheart. I'll finish up here and toddle off to bed." He leaned forward and brushed a soft kiss to her cheek. "Good night."
Donna smiled softly and turned her head to kiss her grandfather back. "Good night, Gramps. I'll make sure to wake you up in the morning and we can have a nice breakfast."
Wilf smiled and nodded, "I'll see you then, Donna."
Donna hugged her grandfather one last time before she turned and made her way out of the kitchen and towards her wounded spaceman.
The Doctor stood at his work table, the original transducer laid out on the surface in front of him so that he could see where exactly the part had failed and if there was any way to possibly salvage the vital component.
His gaze however wasn't seeing the charred bit of tech in front of him but was instead seeing Adelaide's face once more as she stood toe to toe with him on that distant snow-covered street. The euphoria that he'd felt in those moments swept over him with ruthless abandon and he clenched his hands tightly against the table top to keep them from shaking.
Is there nothing you can't do?
Not anymore.
He closed his eyes, his head dropping as the blaster shot echoed through his mind over and over again. There was nothing he could have done differently, not while he'd been in the grips of the power madness. If Adelaide hadn't taken her own life, then he would have continued rampaging unchecked through the universe and through time, rearranging events to suit his own whim never mind the design that they had to follow.
"I don't believe for one moment that you would've stayed in that power craze, Doctor, no matter what you may think. And if you did stay there, then the universe would've found a way to stop you."
The Doctor spun around at the sound of Donna's voice, the anguish that was etched into his features was almost more than she could bear, but she stayed where she was leaning against the doorway that led into his workspace.
"There was no power left in the universe that could've stopped me, Donna." He slammed a clenched fist onto the tabletop, his tongue darting out to moisten bone dry lips before he continued. "I was so close, Donna. So close to turning into something worse than the Master, and I'm not ready to face that monster yet. I don't know if I'll ever be ready."
His voice broke on the last words and Donna couldn't stay away as she pushed off the doorway and crossed the space that separated them, her thoughts forcing through his flimsy barriers to wrap his battered mind in a warm embrace. She reached up and cradled his cheeks in both hands even as she pressed close against him, her grip forcing his gaze to meet hers. "Don't you dare compare yourself to the Master, Doctor, not now, not ever. Yes, it finally became too much for you. Finally after everything you'd lost and all that you'd sacrificed, you'd hit your breaking point. A point that quite frankly had been a long time coming."
The Doctor scoffed at her words and pulled away from her hands, but she wouldn't let him turn away from her. "Oh please, Donna. That's simply an excuse."
Donna shook her head and took his hand in hers, wrapping his fist up in hers and pressing it against the warmth of her chest. "No it's not, Doctor, and you know it. You were broken and beaten down, and you'd also lost me." She ducked her head with a blushing smile. "I'm not saying that that was the only reason for acting the way you did, but you have told me and my family that we were both going insane due to the suppression of our bond. You've called that euphoria a power madness, and that's exactly what it was. Madness. I truly believe that if she hadn't stopped you in your tracks then, something else would've eventually done so. But only you can forgive yourself, Doctor, and until you do, this is going to be a raw gaping wound that's going to continue to hurt you when you least expect it. Anything I or Gramps can to do to help, I hope you know that we're here for you."
The Doctor sighed softly, leaning closer to her despite all his misgivings and his inability to see his actions in the same light that she did. Yes, he had been in the throes of insanity during that doomed trip to Mars, but he should have been able to rise above it and remember the ideals to which he had held himself for so many centuries. Sure, he'd been mad before in some of his regenerations but he'd never lost control of himself and his own darker nature in such a spectacular manner.
Perhaps he was being too hard on himself, but if he wasn't then who would be? The universe showed that it couldn't stop him, even though it threw him around like so much flotsam from one crisis to another. He looked to Donna and took a deep breath, his eyes clenching closed before he whispered, "I killed her, Donna. In the end, my actions killed her."
Donna leaned back when he said that, her hand tightening around his momentarily, before she reached up to brush his cheek with her free hand. "Adelaide chose to take her own life, Doctor. Mia and Yuri chose to live and chose to tell the story of what happened on Bowie Base One. Adelaide took the easy way out rather than take the chance that you gave her to help shape her granddaughter into the woman that she would eventually become. But in taking her own life, she was the one who snapped you back to sanity. How many others over the years have done that, Doctor?"
The Doctor's breath hissed between clenched lips as all those who had given their lives for him in the past began to flash through his mind, even Donna was momentarily driven under the flood of images and memories. "Too many, Donna. Far too many."
She shook her head, her mind fighting its way beyond the flood and back to the forefront of his thoughts. "And every single one of them knew what they were doing, Doctor. They knew that they were giving you the time that you needed to do what needed to be done. Don't belittle their sacrifice now."
He took a deep breath, his eyes finally opening before he pulled her into his arms and brushed a soft kiss to her forehead. "I'm trying, Donna, but it's too much sometimes and I can't always beat it."
She smiled even as she was crushed against his chest, her ribs creaking but she didn't try to pull away as she felt the melting of tension from his body. "You don't have to Doctor, but remember, you're not alone in this anymore. I'm here to help you through it and so is Gramps for a little while at least. Let him help you. He's been through war and trauma and loss, Doctor, maybe he'll be able to help you more than you realize."
The Doctor looked down at Donna, his head cocking for a moment before he laughed softly. "Maybe he will, Donna, maybe he will. But for now, I think we both need to get ready for bed. Tomorrow is going to be an exciting day!"
Donna scowled as the Doctor took her hand and dragged her out of his workspace towards their bathroom, her mind shifting momentarily as she tried to keep track of the mercurial shift of his mood. She knew that he was deflecting now and that he was quite simply done with their conversation for the time being, but she wasn't going to let him off the hook so easily.
The time would come soon enough to bring up Mars again, and then she wouldn't let the Doctor sidestep the conversation quite as easily.
Donna woke up early the next morning, but not as early as the Doctor who was already up and out of the room tinkering with something in the control room in preparation for the first leg of their trip.
She sighed softly as she reached out to him, her thoughts stretching as languidly as her body stretched while she gently admonished him. You should've woken me when you got up, Doctor. I wanted to cook Gramps a nice breakfast this morning.
There was a flood of warmth before she felt the entirety of the Doctor's essence pour into her mind, filling her to near bursting before he settled comfortably in her thoughts. It's still early, Donna. You seemed to need the sleep and truthfully I was too wound up to get much rest. There's too much to do and not enough time to do it as always.
Donna made a face at his comment, shaking her head as she rose to her feet and made her way to the washroom to brush her teeth and get ready to face the day. The Doctor was definitely avoiding her this morning, most likely because he didn't want to face another discussion on tackling his demons when he'd just managed to evade the one the night before.
Donna growled softly under her breath as she stepped into the shower, her mind already made up that she wasn't going to let the subject simply die and be buried but she was going to wait for the proper time to broach it with him. She really believed that Wilf would be good for him facing those demons and that he would be able to relate to the unique pain that the Doctor felt in having to make such difficult decisions, decisions that many times haunted him for centuries.
She laughed softly when she felt the turn the Doctor's thoughts took when she stepped into the shower, her body tingling in response to some of the more outlandish thoughts in his mind though she shushed him and reminded him that they had a guest and a date with the moon to keep.
The Tardis will make sure that his room is far enough away that he won't hear a thing, Donna!
Donna blushed crimson even though the Doctor wasn't in the room with her, the rosy hue painting her from head to toe before she retorted, Doctor, the moon is hardly the place to think of such things.
There was soft, silky laughter in her mind before he purred, Wait till I take you to the moon in the year 3128, there's this resort there that is simply divine and it has these pools that you can…
DOCTOR! Donna couldn't resist the thrill of warmth at the images that were dancing through his mind when he was thinking of that futuristic resort, but now was definitely not the time for him to be teasing her with those images with Wilf so keen to get to the moon. She had to focus on her granddad today and she had to make sure that this first stop was perfect for him and as free from catastrophe as any of their stops could be.
Now what happened after their jaunt to the moon was a different story, and two could play at the Doctor's game. Donna smirked as she finished lathering, her dreamy sigh drifting with the warm steam as she basked in the spray for a few heady moments.
The Doctor's laughter echoed in her mind as she finished her shower and hurriedly dried her hair and got dressed, his mind keeping up just enough of a string of teasing images to keep her off her guard and in a constant state of blushing embarrassment.
Donna huffed as she pulled her hair back into a ponytail and left their room, her eyes shifting down the corridor towards the smell of coffee that was drifting temptingly out of the kitchen. Donna followed that heavenly aroma, her fingers twitching slightly as she already imagined the mug cradled between her hands, her eyes were shining when she rounded the corner and saw the Doctor and Wilf standing by the counter laughing softly as they cooked up breakfast.
"Oi! I was supposed to do breakfast this morning! You both let me lay in bed like a lump," Donna groused when her grandfather turned to her with a brilliant smile on his face.
He crossed the distance between them and gave her a warm hug, before he pulled back to look at her with a soft smile. "I slept like a baby last night. This ship really is marvelous and she even moved me down right next to the kitchen so that I wouldn't have far to walk. I was too excited to sleep in late and I heard the Doctor moving around, so I decided to come join him."
The Doctor looked back at Donna with a grin, his eyes flashing momentarily before he turned his attention back to whatever he was cooking on the stove.
Donna shook her head with a laugh, brushing a soft kiss to her grandfather's cheek even as she was stepping into the kitchen to join the Doctor at the stove. You let me believe you were in the Control Room.
The Doctor turned to look at her, a cheshire cat grin on his face. If I'd let you know I was in the kitchen you would've come charging out of the bedroom, and I was enjoying our little interlude in the shower.
Donna hissed softly at him and batted at his arm as her face flamed crimson again, looking hurriedly over her shoulder to see her granddad just shaking his head with a laugh at their antics. "What are we having for breakfast?"
The Doctor reached down to turn off the burners, stepping aside so Donna could see the mess he'd cooked up. "Just something light before we land. Microgravity can play nasty tricks on one's stomach, so I figured it was a good idea to wait for a heartier meal when we get back."
Donna looked at the pans that were strewn across the stove, her eyes widening for a moment in surprise that he would think this was a light breakfast. There were eggs, bacon and fried potatoes with a pot that looked like it held porridge on a back burner. The toast just popped up from the toaster and Wilf grabbed it in a flash, his aged hands still deft as he buttered each slice and placed it on a plate.
"You call this light, Doctor? If we eat all that, we're never going to be able to fit into the spacesuits."
Wilf laughed, picking up the plate with the buttered toast and carrying it to the table before he quipped. "Oh that mess is for the Doctor, Sweetheart. I thought we'd make do with toast, marmalade and porridge just to be on the safe side."
Donna grinned back at the Doctor, rolling her eyes when she heard Wilf state the porridge wasn't for him. "Of course the mess is for you, we can't have you eating anything healthy like porridge, can we?"
The look on the Doctor's face was so disgusted that Donna guffawed before she turned and reached up into the cabinet for some bowls to dish out breakfast for her and her grandfather. She had to admit to a feeling of trepidation as she thought of their next destination, it would be her first foray into microgravity as well.
The porridge dished up, Donna carried both the bowls over to the table and set one in front of her granddad before she took a seat and watched the Doctor plate up his own heaping breakfast. No, he was an old hat at microgravity and when he did remember to eat, he wasn't going to let something like a little jaunt on the moon stop him from having a good meal.
The Doctor settled at the table and as they all dug into their meals, he began to tell them a little about their destination.
"The Tardis has decided that the Sea of Tranquility is the best place for us to land. She said she's going to put us down on a ridge overlooking the Apollo 11 landing site, but we need to make sure not to go down to the landing site itself. We don't want to disturb anything that was left behind because it's an important piece of human history."
Wilf was looking at the Doctor with unabashed wonder, his hand shaking slightly as he continued to eat his breakfast though it was obvious he was barely aware of what he was putting in his mouth. "Brilliant, Doctor. I remember seeing the landing, but it was such a grainy transmission that it was hard to make much detail out. I can't wait to be this close to it!"
Donna smiled at her granddad's enthusiasm, her own thoughts were warm as they tangled with the Doctor's before she finished her breakfast and sat with her mug of coffee in hand.
She listened to the Doctor and Wilf chat about the different moon facts, the Doctor correcting Wilf on occasion with information that wouldn't necessarily be known on Earth during Wilf's time but all in all, she could tell that the Doctor was just enjoying the enthusiasm that Wilf was showing. You've been looking forward to this trip just as much as he has, haven't you?
The Doctor looked to Donna with a soft smile, his eyes were shining just as brightly as Wilf's before he nodded imperceptibly. I didn't realize how much I needed it, Donna.
As they finished their meal, the Doctor stood up and motioned them to follow him. "Don't worry about cleaning up, just this once the Tardis has said she'll tidy up after us. She's eager for us to land."
Wilf stood up, the frown on his face at the thought of leaving such a mess behind, especially porridge in a pot, at odds with the excitement in his movements. "It'll just be a tick to tidy up, Doctor. We really shouldn't leave such a mess behind for your poor ship to clean up."
Donna burst out laughing when she felt the purr of satisfaction from the Tardis, even as the ship bathed her granddad in warmth. "Oh she likes you, Gramps! You'll do just fine."
The Doctor scowled at the ceiling, his eyes dancing. "Oh, it's going to be that way is it? We spend nearly a thousand years together and you just move on to someone new in the blink of an eye."
There was a soft wheezing groan that echoed through the ship before a blast of freezing cold air slammed into the Doctor. He straightened his hair with a laugh as he stepped away from the table to make his way towards the corridor, his fingers lightly brushed the wall of the Tardis to let her know that he was only teasing. The soft response in his mind let him know that she still loved him and always would. "It's alright Old Girl, I can share from time to time."
Donna smiled softly as she listened to the banter between the Doctor and the Tardis, her arm linked with her granddad's as they made their way to the control room. Three bright orange jumpsuits sat folded on the jumpseat with the matching helmets resting atop the pile.
Wilf looked at the small suits, his eyes widening and his hands rubbing together nervously while he looked around the room for bulkier suits. "Is this them, Doctor? Aren't they a little… small?"
The Doctor chuckled softly as he took the first suit from the jumpseat, set the helmet aside and began to undo the fastenings so he could step into it. "Are you wanting something like Neil Armstrong would've worn for his moon landing? I'm sure I can dig one of those up if it'd make you more comfortable, Wilf. But I thought you'd like to take advantage of forty-fourth century technology to make your visit more enjoyable."
"Right you are, Doctor! Let's not waste any more time." Wilf immediately began to tackle the buckles on his suit with Donna's help and was suited up in a flash.
Donna was the last one to suit up with the Doctor's help, her mind quivering against his when she felt the last buckle snap into place. Turning to look at the Doctor, she smiled into his eyes when he settled the helmet in place and turned the locking collar to snap it shut. She instantly felt the flow of oxygen into the suit and gave him a thumbs up to let him know that she was ready.
Wilf reached out and took her gloved hand in his, his hand shaking in her grasp as his eyes met hers with barely concealed enthusiasm. He was standing on the deck of a spaceship, suited up and ready to step foot on the moon. Nothing in his life could ever have prepared him for this moment and to be sharing it with his granddaughter made it absolutely perfect.
"Okay everybody, I'm setting the landing sequence now. The microphones are voice activated so all you have to do is speak and we'll hear you clearly. If you feel faint or ill, make sure to let me know and I'll bring you back into the Tardis. Otherwise, follow my lead in the beginning and we'll be able to enjoy your first trip to the moon! Are you ready?"
"Ready, Doctor." Wilf's voice sounded fifty years younger.
"Ready, Doctor." Donna's own voice was more controlled but no less excited then her granddad's.
The Doctor nodded, putting his helmet on and locking it into place before he turned to the controls of the Tardis and started the landing sequence.
Donna took Wilf's hand and guided it to the railing that surrounded the control console, wrapping his fingers tightly around it just as the ship shuddered in her materialization cycle. Wilf was shaking, his eyes were glued to the doors of the Tardis just as they swung open to reveal the bleak lunar landscape beyond.
"Alright then, Allons-y!"
Wilf grinned with boyish delight at Donna as he followed the Doctor down the walkway and out into the brightly lit daytime beyond.
He looked down at the puff his boot made in the fine lunar soil, his delighted laugh sounding across the channel before he said, "Wilfred Mott has just stepped foot on the moon! Oh ho, this is brilliant!"
Donna followed behind Wilf, closing the doors of the Tardis behind her and just laughing softly at the excitement evident in her granddad's voice.
This was the perfect place to start their trip and she knew that the Doctor would make sure that Wilf got the memories of a lifetime. She was just glad that she was here to share in those memories.