Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide
Do you know what it's like to wanna surrender
~Skillet
She dreams of her mother sometimes.
More frequently than she ever had before, certainly, and often in vivid detail. She supposes that some of her memories are superimposing themselves into her dreams. Sometimes, in her dreams, her mother and Naruto overlap. She finds her mother in a bathtub. She finds Naruto in the bedroom. It's not an out of the blue association. She understands the connection. Doesn't make it easier to deal with, though.
Most nights she can rationalize it and talk herself down from a crying fit or worse. It works, for the most part, but there are still nights that she has trouble. Those nights Argus is a godsend. He curls up against her, the solid weight of his head against her chest, reminding her that she's not alone.
But those difficult nights are becoming fewer and fewer.
She's working hard. On herself. On being the person she wants to be.
She's still uncertain about some things, still hesitant to reveal too much vulnerability. She is still carefully guarding herself. But she sees the behavior now and is trying to get better at being more confident, more assured. It's hard to accept her self-worth after a lifetime of feeling worthless, but she's trying. She thinks that counts for something.
She's still finding her voice-herself-but she doesn't feel like her own worst enemy anymore. She still views her "old" self as a rival, but she's not abandoning her. She doesn't want to forget where she came from, but at the same time, she refuses to surrender who she wants to become.
She thinks, more than anyone, Naruto would understand her struggles.
They talk more frequently.
It's nice.
They talk about little things, like her knitting class and how she ate a fried Twinkie for the first time, and some not so little. She tells him about her father's death. She doesn't go into detail-they both knew she and Hiashi had parted ways many years ago-but he offers his sympathies and she appreciates it.
Sometimes she just likes to listen. Naruto has this way of telling stories that captivates her. He tells her about the his jobs and his Muay Thai training. He really enjoys it-she can hear his infectious enthusiasm in his voice every time he brings it up.
Sometimes, when he's explaining some of his new combos to her, he keeps pausing. Like he's waiting for her to be bored, or irritated. But she's interested.
Sometimes when he talks about it, he reminds her of Lee.
She kind of wants to introduce them, but she's not sure how Naruto would feel about it.
This is his thing. Like Bagua was hers. She doesn't want to overstep. Still, she can't help but wonder how he would react if she told him.
It turns out, she doesn't have to wonder long.
When Hinata arrives at Eight Gates for her usual session, she's surprised to find Sensei and Lee setting up one of the larger sparring mats with various pads, towels, and water in her usual section. She rolls her shoulders as she approaches.
"I didn't think we were sparring today," she says when she reaches them.
Lee smiles up at her from his bend-he's lining up the mat 'just so'. "Ah, Hinata. You are once again glowing with youthful radiance! You are mostly correct. We will not be sparring."
She smiles a little at that, tipping her head. "Mostly correct?"
"We will be helping an old friend of mine and one of his young fighters," Guy Sensei fills her in, dropping some ankle weights beside the towels. "I did not want to disrupt the rest of the gym or have an unnecessary audience while we focus on the training. I hope you do not mind." He indicates the mats.
Hinata shakes her head, with a light giggle. It was his gym. "Not at all. May I use the adjacent room?" She's still the only student learning Baguazhang, so it's not like there needs to be a lot of space.
Guy Sensei nods and flashes her his white (so very white) smile and gives her a thumbs up. "Of course! Your dedication is admirable! I'm so proud of you! Look at you-blooming like a lotus blossom!"
The old Hinata would have balked at the praise and tried to discount it, and while she still blushes, she takes the praise. "Thank you, Sensei." She gives him a slight bow before taking her bags to the sectioned off area behind the extra mats.
Once in her own area, Hinata takes a few minutes to simply stretch and breathe-rolling her neck and shoulders, loosening her stiff posture.
Everything in her settles.
Calms.
She takes her first step.
Then another.
Twist.
Her arms move.
Her body coils.
Step.
She is the rolling thunder in the sky.
Turn.
The flowing river over the earth.
Step.
She is whole.
Hinata doesn't really keep track of time while training, so she has no idea how long she is practicing before she is startled by the sharp sound of applause and a voice that she knows better than her own and completely unexpected.
"Well, well, well." Naruto steps onto her mat, his blue eyes sharp on her face. "That was pretty impressive." He smiles as he walks closer, meeting her in the center of her mat.
Her brain short circuits a bit at what a sweaty Adonis he presents. She tries-really, she does-to make her mouth work, but she ends up tripping over her tongue."W-what are you doing here?"
Naruto puts his hands up defensively. "I'm not stalking you or nothing. Jiraiya is paying the eyebrows over there in the spandex to give me permanent brain damage."
Hinata processes his words. So this was the young fighter that Guy and Lee were helping? Then her own brows twitch when she hears the nickname.
"Plus, it's not like I ever could've imagined seeing you here," Naruto continues with a tight shrug. "Since the only cool thing I thought you were up to was knitting pot holders, ya' know." There's a hint of accusation in his tone.
She sniffs, straightening. "It didn't come up." Which was true. At no point had he ever asked her what martial arts she was taking...
Naruto snorts like he can read her mind. "Oh, Hinata what have you been up to? 'Hmm, nothing really, just knitting.'" His mocking falsetto is suspiciously on point. As is his eyelash batting.
Her lips pursed a little. Okay, he had her there. Dang it. She should probably apologize.
"What is it called?" He's already moved the conversation forward.
She quirks an eyebrow.
"The thing you were doing?" He asks, making a windmill arm rotation.
Unconsciously, her fingers push together-something to fiddle with since she can't wear jewelry while training. She's trying to not feel self-conscious, but it's hard with those blue eyes focused on her so intensely. She glances at the mat. "Um, it's called Baguazhang."
"Huh? Baguazhang." He sounds it out slowly.
She nods.
His face splits into a wide grin-one that would rival Sensei's on his best day. "Well, show me some of your moves." He motions for her to do something.
Hinata's heart kicks around a bit and that feeling of self-consciousness that she was trying so hard to repress rises up. "What?"
Naruto's smile remains but there's something almost...flirtatious...about it now. "Come on. You looked hella fierce."
Her? Fierce? A bit of her pride swells, just enough to push the self-consciousness back some. "Well, I was pretty much finishing up."
"Hina, come on, just a little." He bats those lashes again. "Please."
What harm could there be? This was Naruto he wasn't going to mock her. Besides, she's been wanting to share it with him for awhile. She nods. "Um, well, if you really want-"
"Eh, Naruto, hurry the fuck up!" A new, unfamiliar (and unwelcome) voice intrudes.
Naruto looks over his shoulder towards the same grey haired man from the fight (Jiraiya?) and gestures, quite obviously towards Hinata and himself.
"You can try and get in her pants after!"
Naruto flips him off.
Hinata repressed the urge to do it herself.
"Sorry," Naruto says. "I think he's just pissed off because I can't knock out Mr. Rocky Balboa over there."
Rocky? Oh. "Lee?"
"Yeah, the guy can throw me all over the mat but he can't box for shit."
That's a blatantly untrue statement if Hinata's ever heard one. There wasn't a martial art that Lee hadn't mastered or wasn't damn good at. If Naruto was holding his own, that was amazing, but she didn't like the way he discounted Lee's talent.
"Didn't Rocky win in boxing?" She feels she should remind him.
Naruto huffs. "Yeah, sure, but he was the inferior boxer."
"I think there's a entire movie franchise that proves the opposite of that?" She teases. She should know-they watched it about ten times in college. Anytime Naruto needed motivation to pass a test. "In this case, you should like Rocky. He was the underdog."
Naruto sighs, and for a moment he looks like she's the one that punched him. "That storyline gets old."
Hinata frowns at that, but decides not to press. Instead, she asks, "Is it helpful? To spar with Lee?"
Naruto nods a bit reluctantly. "Yeah. 'Might' Guy over there thinks I'm pretty youthful. He's says he likes 'raw fighters'. Whatever that means." Naruto brushed the sweaty hair that's sticking to his forehead away and Hinata barely refrains the urge to lick her lips, which is probably a good thing, because in the next moment Naruto leans closer and says, "I know you like me raw."
Did he just…say?! What she thinks he said? She can feel her face like it has a heartbeat. She knows she's furious red. The room spins dangerously.
Naruto smirked, reaching out to pinch at her sides playfully.
"You...oh my gosh...you...I... can't believe-" She sputters, smacking his hand away, but she can almost hear him in her head. Believe it.
Despite being incredibly embarrassed she can't help but enjoy this playfulness. It's something that had been missing from their relationship long before the spiral.
"If you don't get your ass over here-!" Jiraiya yells again, leaving the threat unspoken, but it causes Hinata to flinch. She's not a fan of yelling men.
"He sounds mad." Hinata looks over at the grouping of men. She feels like the grey haired coach is glaring at her. "Come on," she tells him, making her way to her duffle bags.
"Oh shit, are we gonna ditch?" He sounds so excited by the idea.
"No." Hinata scolds. Training is important.
He gives her a pout that would have worked...before.
"I want to watch you."
That pulls him up short. "Yeah?"
She gives him a tiny little smile. "Yeah."
She follows him back to the mat. Lee and Guy smile at her. She indicates the mat and raises a brow. They had specified they didn't want an audience before, but they don't seem to mind her company, so she places her bags down.
Naruto kind of introduces her to his coach. It's reluctant. "This is Hinata."
"Your girl?" The older man sniffs.
Hinata doesn't like the way the question is phrased. Like she could only matter if she was?
"My friend." Naruto corrects.
It makes Hinata's lips curve. There you cranky old jerk. I matter because I matter. Not because I'm 'his girl'.
Jiraiya's eyebrow raises and Hinata feels his gaze on her in a whole new-decidedly creepy-way. She shudders.
"Don't even think about." Naruto warns.
Hinata eyes Jiraiya as she moves around him, giving him wide berth to take her place at her Sensei's side.
"Ready to watch me get embarrassed." Naruto asks her, swishing his mouth with water.
It's not an attitude that's shown much at Eight Gates. Mostly because it's not really allowed. Guy Sensei isn't harsh, or mean, but he expects each student to give it their all and learn from their mistakes, and believe themselves capable of achieving their goals. Naruto's defeatist attitude goes against that. It rubs her wrong. As well as makes her question the validity of Naruto's coach.
She holds her tongue, however.
"No need to feel down!" Lee chimes in proudly from the mat. "I've been trained in various fighting styles for nearly a decade."
"Oh, same dog." Naruto smirks.
She can feel her brows twitching. Being down on himself was the result of poor coaching. Being disrespectful to his sparring partner and her Sensei was just assholish.
Lee's wide eyes widened further with genuine interest. He was always so enthused and encouraging. "Where at?"
"Clinton." Naruto laughs and it's a little cruel.
Hinata watches Lee frown in confusion.
Jiraiya hacks a laugh, slapping his thigh.
"Naruto." She understands his self-deprecating humor, but she won't put up with the disrespect to her team. And Guy Sensei and Lee were her team.
"They don't call it the meatpacking district for nothing." He ignores her. Or maybe he hadn't heard her. Either way, she's not amused.
They take their places on the mat.
Lee takes Naruto down fast.
Up again.
Down.
Up.
Back down.
Up.
Tap out.
Hinata's watching every move with critical eyes. She can see where he's making mistakes-they're collectible but not without some long hours and actual training.
Sensei's voice catches her ear, though, and her attention is pulled away from the men grappling in front of her. "Jiraiya, I know he's pretty good but...I do not think he's ready to cage fight."
Okay, she'd held her tongue for about as long as she was going to. "He's going to what?"
"He'll be fine." Jiraiya waves her off dismissively.
Hinata splutters, gesturing to the mat. "Lee's throwing him around like a baby!"
On the mat the fight was stalled. "Hina-"
Jiraiya huffs, eyeing her like she's rat shit. "Naruto's not throwing an elbow on the ground right now either."
"All any fighter worth a damn would have to do is take Naruto down and submit him." Hinata shoots back. She'll be damned if this crusty old bastard uses Naruto as his meal ticket.
"I don't know who you think you are, or what you know about fighting," Jiraiya snaps at her, the red on his nose nearly purple in his rage, "but Naruto could knock out from the clench."
Hinata can see Guy Sensei watching their exchange, but since he hasn't stopped her, she keeps going. "Nobody can knock out from the clench. There isn't enough power. You just want to scalp your percentage off him!"
"Oh yeah? Why not let them actually fight, then? Right now. And if you knew any math, you'd know my percent is bigger if he wins."
Hinata grit her teeth. "So you're admitting that you just care about the money. Not about the fact that Naruto could actually be hurt."
Jiraiya stood up, glaring down at her. He looks a bit like he wants to take a swing at her. She recognizes that look from her childhood. Instead of cowering, she tilts her chin up.
He scoffs, turning away from her. "Guy, get some gloves. Let's show girly over here some real fighting."
Hinata stands up as well, seething. By the time she makes it the five feet to Naruto she's ready to put the gloves on herself. "Your coach is a real asshole," she says without preamble. She's so mad she could kick something.
"Uh, yeah. He is, sorry about that," Naruto pants at her, his breathing still not regulated from his spar. "But, um, just one quick thing." He scratches his head. "What the fuck was that?"
What was what? She glances up at him.
He's shaking his head at her. "How do you know any of that? Seriously? And you just…"
Hinata looks away from him, shrugging her shoulders. Now was not the time to mention that she sometimes helped the other fighters here, or that she's actually kind of good at reading matches, or fighting styles. Nope. Not the time. She was too focused on the grey haired asshole glowering daggers in her general direction.
"So, uh, I'm supposed to fight Lee?" naruto asks her, clearly a little out of the loop.
"Yes." He's going to lose. She has no doubt about that, because Lee is Lee. But she wants him to have a chance to learn from this, so she faces him. "Now look, you came in fast on Yahiko, but that won't work here. Keep Lee in the red zone as much as much as possible. Let him enter green when you want him to and then strike. You're taller; you have a longer reach. Do not let him grab you, Naruto. He will take you down and tap you out before you know what hit you."
He stares at her a moment longer, his eyes wide and more than a little confused. "Who are you?"
She ignores the question. "Go get your gloves on." Hinata pushes him over to a different mat as she makes her way towards Sensei and Lee. She wants to apologize for her behavior...and a little for Naruto's, although that's not her place anymore. Still…
"I'm sorry for the disrespect," she says.
"It's not disrespectful to stand up for your friends," Sensei replies as he tightens Lee's gloves.
"Also, for Naruto's. His coach is...something else."
"His coach is one of the greatest fighters to ever live. A legend, even." Sensei informs her with all the casualness of someone commenting on the sun rising.
Hinata casts her eyes towards where Naruto and his coach are having some sort of standoff. "That guy?" she questions.
Sensei simply nods, with a knowing smirk.
"I like this Naruto very much," Lee says, tapping his gloves to one another and grinning. "With the right training he could be my rival!" The excitement on his face makes Hinata's lips quirk.
"Maybe," she agrees. "Good luck out there." She pats his gloves.
Hinata watches the two tap gloves and begin to circle one another. Naruto takes her advice and keeps Lee at a distance.
"You're going to see it. As soon as Lee grabs him, he's going to break his ribs." Jiraiya tells Guy.
"It's just a friendly spar." Guy corrects him. "A match of two youthful men, bettering themselves through genuine competition. Beautiful."
Even with the added arm reach, the match is over in minutes. Lee grabs Naruto and folds him onto his back and then quickly gets him in an armbar. Smart enough not to wreck his arm in a 'friendly' spar, Naruto taps out quick.
Hinata watches him approach his coach and winces when immediately the older man starts yelling. She's tempted to go over there and give Jiraiya a piece of her mind, but she refrains. Instead she helps Lee out of his gloves and takes care of the towels.
After, she decides to wait for Naruto. "Do you want a ride?" She asks as they step outside into the cold air.
"Really?" He sounds surprised by the offer but she tries not to read too much into his reaction. Once their both in and buckled he turns in her direction."This is your chance to fill me in now."
Well, you see, I was coping with the overwhelming wrongness of my life by trying to find things that made me happy because my therapist-oh, did I not mention I cracked like an egg when I walked? Because I did. Anyway, where was I, Oh, yes, my therapist, who happens to be Ino's dad-suggested I try some new things so I could function because I'd stopped sleeping, eating, and was just about the most miserable I'd ever been, discounting that time I found my mom dead. Oh, did I not mention that either? Remember how my mom died when I was five? Turns out she killed herself via sleeping pills-Anyway, so there I was trying new things like knitting and painting, which I am so bad at that I'm pretty sure Bob Ross weeps for me- when lo and behold I started a self defense course and the instructor didn't think I sucked too terribly much and sent me here...and I felt a connection in a way that I can't describe and this hobby has helped me find myself so...
"It's not that big of a deal. It just started as a self defense course. But then, I just kind of stuck with it." She shrugs a little. Yeah, that was way less dramatic.
"And it's called Bagua…?"
"Baguazhang." She supplies. "But Bagua is fine, too."
"Yeah. And you like it? You looked pretty good."
She feels herself blush. "Thank you. I like it a lot."
"So, what made you want to try something like that?"
She clears her throat. "I was just… trying new hobbies."
"That's pretty cool. You still have to show me your moves sometime."
She glances at him. "Yeah, okay."
"I'll be back at Eight Gates on Wednesday." He tells her.
Hinata's there five days a week, on a rotating schedule, but she'll make sure she's there Wednesday. If for no other reason than to make sure that jerk coach of his wasn't riding him too hard.
"So… what other crazy things are you into? Skydiving? Bungee jumping?" Naruto teases her, pulling her frown from her face.
She can't help but roll her eyes a little at the familiar antics."No, nothing like that. I'm just branching out. Trying not to be so boring."
"You weren't boring." His assurance is immediate.
She raises her eyebrows at him. She knows better.
"Really! I never minded that you didn't want to do stuff."
Translation: Anything.
She didn't want to do anything. She had been so sure that she was going to humiliate herself or him. Not smart enough, attractive enough, anything enough...
"I minded." She replies, voice quiet.
He shifts beside her, and she can't tell if she made him uncomfortable or if he's just fidgety. He clears his throat, messing with the black switch on the heat vent. "So do anything else fun? You never liked karaoke? You tried that lately?"
"Karaoke?" She glances at him.
"Yeah, I went with Ayame awhile ago. It's not quite as fun sober but it's still good for some laughs."
It's like ice water. She tries not to freeze up, but she knows she does. Every old insecurity she's ever had trickles through her veins. "You went with Ayame?"
Pretty Ayame with her thick brown hair and smooth skin? Smart Ayame with her quick wit and open laugh?
Beside her he nods, nonchalantly. "Yeah, before you and I went to dinner. I felt like a super dork, saying I'd been seeing a bunch of people, so I asked her out real quick. It was kind of stupid but she was really nice about it." He laughs again, apparently recalling something amusing from their date. "She was the one who forced me to get a haircut."
Oh.
Well…
Shit.
She takes a deep breath under the pretense of checking traffic. He has every right to date, she tells herself. And just because he went with an attractive, smart, funny woman doesn't mean that he doesn't enjoy Hinata's company.
"So… you just went on one date with Ayame?" Seriously, let it go.
"It wasn't really a date." Naruto tells her with a semi-shrug.
"And th-that's it?"
"Yeah."
Okay. Sure.
She's not even upset with him. She's just trying to drown out that little insecure voice in her head.
"Anyways," He seems to sense her tension-not that it was all that subtle. "What other cool things have you been hiding?"
She exhales and turns towards him, her lips spreading to reveal a wide smile. Because this...this she's wanted to share with him for awhile now. "Well, there is one more thing."
"Oh, yeah? What is it?" He seems genuinely interested.
"A surprise," she evades. She's turning in the direction of his apartment complex. It's still a ways off, but they won't be long now.
"A surprise?"
"Yep." She glances at him from the corner of her eye. "Do you have plans tomorrow?"
"Does kicking my bag count?"
She blinks at that.
"My practice bag," he rolls his eyes. "Man, Hyuuga, you've become a pervert."
"I said nothing."
"You were thinking it. I can tell."
"Mm." She shakes her head. "Anyway, if you're free, you should come over."
He swallows. Audibly. "Uh. To your place?"
She nods even as she navigates pulling up to his curb. She reaches into her glove box and grabs a scratch pad and scribbles her address. "I'm apartment 8."
He takes the paper from her a bit like she's handing him a ticking time bomb. "Not for nothing, but are you sure?"
"Sure?"
"Uhm. Me. At your place."
She blows out a breath and gives him the exact same look he gave her at the diner not too many nights ago. "It's not like I'm inviting you over to raw me," she teases and has the absolute pleasure of watching his eyes nearly bug out of his head. Before he can splutter a response she shakes her head, ignoring the way her cheeks feel like they could start a campfire. "Fair play. That was payback for the gym."
He chuckles, shaking his head. "Fair play." He opens the door, folding the paper into his pocket as he slips out of the car. "Tomorrow then."
She smiles at him. "Tomorrow."