"Panic attacks are a lot like being drunk in some ways, you lose self-control. You cry for seemingly no reason. You deal with the hangover long into the next day."

She has a hard time focusing at work, but she manages to muddle through two contracts with Shino. She wants to ask him about Kiba, but she doesn't. Kiba asked for space, so she'll honor that request. Shino, for his part, senses her needs anyway and mentions in passing how he and Kiba have plans to catch a movie later in the week. It's not much information, but it's something and she's grateful.

After the contracts, she debates on whether or not to email Neji about her experience at the gym. She'll add it to her log (which is longer than she'd like, but not so long as to be really alarming, she tries to justify) but she's not sure that she needs to rehash the details with Neji. He's already agitated with her close proximity to the case. She knows that if she doesn't tell him about it-at least in passing-that Shikamaru will, so she resigns herself to doing so. Just...maybe not right this minute.

She makes a few phone calls for Mr. Otsutsuki and manages to get a meeting with an important potential client next month. All in all, for being distracted, she's still fairly productive. Her job is one that she enjoys, and takes most of her concentration, so it's a nice way for her to avoid overthinking her emotional situations.

It's nearing four o'clock when her phone rings.

It's Shikamaru.

"No meeting tonight," he tells her. "Something's come up."

"Is it about Naruto?" she asks. She knows that Naruto is not Shikamaru's only client, and he has other people relying on him, but she feels that they're so close to a breakthrough. She'll be pushy if she has to.

"Not directly, but yeah. Look, I've gotta go. This could be big, though. You were right. I'll message you when I can." He hangs up before she can even so much as mutter a 'bye', but that doesn't stop her heart from racing and a small smile from forming on her face.

You were right.

Could they have found Jiraiya? Or was it something else? Either way, Shikamaru sounded almost energetic , which for him was something. She doesn't want to get her hopes up, but she can't quite stop the optimism that blossoms in her chest. She takes a few deep breaths to calm herself down. She shouldn't get ahead of herself, but she closes her eyes and hopes as hard as she can. For Naruto's sake. She wants this over.

Without her meeting with Shikamaru, she can leave as soon as she finishes up her last contract bid-which she does in record time. She waves to Shino on the way out, hurrying towards the elevators so she can head home to Naruto and Argus.

Her favorite place to be.

The apartment is oddly quiet when she pushes into it, but she doesn't think too much on it. She's just happy to be back with her boys. "Naruto? Argus? I'm home." Argus bounds up to her, a little more hyper than usual, his head working back and forth. She crouches down to rub his ears, laughing a little. "Okay, easy. My meeting was cancelled. Argus, calm down. How lucky, right?" She glances up from her over-eager companion, towards the little loveseat where Naruto is. He still hasn't spoken. She feels a frisson of tension skirt her spine. "Babe? What's wrong?"

"He needs to pee." Naruto tells her. His voice is flat. Heavy.

Hinata slowly stands straighter, concern lowering her brows. She glances from Argus to the couch. "Are you okay?" She asks him quietly.

"No."

Hinata gently disengages from Argus, moving closer to Naruto. "What's wrong?".

Naruto blinks, slowly, but she can tell he's not really focused on her. "Did you know, that I can still experience mania while taking my medication?"

She pauses, contemplative. She's not sure where this is going. This isn't a usual beginning to any of his episodes. So, she waits.

"I didn't know that," he continues, in that same flat voice. "So I Googled it. Apparently the average cycle is twice a year." He lets out a cold, lifeless laugh. It causes her fingers to curl. "Fucking twice. How about that?"

"Naruto..."

"No matter what I do. I can go to bed early every night. Not drink. Not smoke. Not abuse pills. Work out. Eat right. Keep my appointments. I can do all of that… and I could still go psycho twice a year."

"You don't know that." Hinata finds herself arguing. He's dejected, but who wouldn't be, cooped up in her cramped apartment. She knows from her own experience how easy a relapse is, so she's careful in how she approaches this. "You've never been this healthy before. People go into remission for years. You could be just fine-"

"What if I'm not?" Naruto cuts her off. "What if, no matter how hard I try, what if I'm not fine?"

"We take those times as they come," she insists. It's not like she didn't know what she signed up for. She takes a breath, tilting her head, hoping to catch his eye, get him to look at her. "Naruto, what's going on?"

"Are you seeing someone else?"

The question hits her so unexpectedly that it takes her a moment to form even a semi-coherent thought. She blinks rapidly, shaking her head. "What? No! Why would you-?"

"I'm not-I'm not going to freak out. I'm not going to yell at you," he tells her. "I won't punch your walls or break your stuff. I won't threaten to hurt him. I just…" he pauses and swallows hard. "If there's someone else... If they can be a better boyfriend, or fiancé, or husband or dad or whatever you need, just tell me so I can-"

"No!" The idea of it hurts her so much that she loses her breath. "No, what are you talking about?" She steps to him quickly, crouching down next to him, grabbing his shoulder. "Naruto, what is going on? Please, tell me." She's never seen him like this.

Naruto finally turns to look at her and his expression breaks her heart. It's so confused and hurt and broken. She just wants to wrap him up and hold him and take away all of the heartache he's ever had.

"I called Sasuke."

That name is enough to make Hinata's hackles raise, but it only takes her a fraction of a second to place why Naruto would be asking these questions after talking to that person. Her eyes widen and her heartbeat plummets. She thinks about his smug demeanor and the sneer on his face. The way he had looked at her. "Isn't this cozy."

What had he said to Naruto?

What doubts did he fill his head with?

"No." Naruto's voice is plaintive-beseeching-and it tears her heart wide open. He's looking at her like every truth he'd ever been told was a lie afterall. "No. No, no, no-"

"Naruto," She reaches out with her other hand to grab him but he's already slipping away from her, pushing jerkily to his feet-staggering. "Fuck." He looks so lost.

"Naruto. Naruto, just stop." She needs him to calm down. She has never seen this exact expression on his face and she's seen just about all of them. This one, though-it scares her. Not for herself...but...

He evades her quickly, stepping around the loveseat, using it as a barrier to keep her at more than an arms length.

"I can't do this." Naruto chokes out. She can see the tears in his eyes-the paleness of his face. She reaches for him again, but he shakes his head, angry. "Stop."

She can't stop. She needs him to calm down and talk to her. So she can explain.

She should have known it wouldn't be that simple.

Naruto twists around, quickly maneuvering away from her. His longer stride takes him the distance he needs to get free-moving into her small bathroom.

Her heart hammers harder. "Naruto! Don't!"

He slams the door in her face and she hears the little pop-lock click. Even so, she grabs the handle, shaking it. It stays firm. She swallows back a whine and slaps her palm to the wood. "Naruto, open the door. Please, please open the door."

Silence on the other side.

She slaps the wood again.

Please .

She thinks about the pills in her cabinet. The razors she's stopped locking up, because he was doing so good. She's edging on the verge of breaking down herself, because in her mind her clean white door isn't in front of her.

It's chipped paint in a dirty apartment.

The silence on the other side is deafening.

Terrifying.

She sees pale skin.

Blue lips.

Limp hands.

Not breathing.

Gone .

"Naruto!" She gives up slapping the wood and curls her hand, slamming her fist against it. "Naruto, please just calm down! We can talk about this, just let me in. Please."

Please .

Not again.

She can't...she won't .

She shudders with the force of her sobbing, both fists pounding on the door. "Baby, please. Please, don't. I need you. Open the door. Please. Let me in. Don't leave me. Pleeeease." She's a gasping, sobbing mess.

Argus is beside her, whining in tandem, his claws scratching at the wood that she's so desperately trying to get through. Kiba always said he was smart. Thinking of Kiba reminds her of a trick he showed her when they were in middle school. A way for him to get into his sister's room and steal her CDs. Hinata pushes off the door and practically sprints to her room, grabbing one of her tennis shoes.

Her fingers are shaking so much she can barely hold the lace, and she can't see much past the fat tears smearing across her face, but she knows how to do it by feel. She has no concept of time, at the moment It feels like he's been in there for ages...long enough to settle into her tub… She lets out a shuddering sob when the door gave a little 'ping' as the spring on the inside the lock popped open, unlocking the door.

Her gaze immediately finds the bathtub and she blinks in mild confusion to see it empty. Her little room swims before her eyes and overlaps with her memories. Her bathtub is clean and empty and yet she can somehow see him there.

"Well," Naruto shrugs a little, leaning back from his spot on her toilet to face her better. "I guess you're just lucky I wasn't taking a shit."

Hearing his voice breaks through the memories.

He's not unconscious in a tub.

He's here.

Alive.

And hurting.

And alive.

And she loves him.

He's here.

That's all that matters.

She drops the sneaker, moving forward. She reaches her hand out to him and makes a painful sound when he flinches away from her-like he's waiting for a hit. She would never hurt him like that. She has an overwhelming hatred for the people in his life that did-that made him think that he was an inconvenience. That his pain should be punished with more pain.

She curls her hand around his head and she feels his breath hold. Then she tugs him closer, pressing him into her chest. Holding him.

Holding on.

He exhales shakily and then his arms move, curling around her hips and he's holding her just as tightly.

A soft sob catches in her throat and she pushes it down. She sniffs, focusing on him and his pain-not on how she's hurting. "How could you ever think that?" She whispers, her hand moving from the back of his head to rub down his cheek affectionately. "There's nobody else. There can never be anyone else. There was never anyone else. It's just you. It'll only ever be you ." She bends forward to press her lips to his forehead, her nose in his thick hair. She inhales his familiar scent and closes her eyes. Only ever.

"I'm sorry." Naruto chokes, his fingers flexing into her skin.

Hinata sniffs again, stroking her hands over his shoulders, along his back. Soothing motions. "You know, if you keep trying to break up with me - I'm going to start taking it personally."

Naruto squeezes her a little tighter at that.

She presses her lips together, to stop their trembling, before she begins to explain. "I had lunch with Choji. On Friday. You made me nervous when you said you wanted to talk. So I left work early. Remember, I got to the gym early to be with you."

She can feel him nod against her.

"And...well, Sasuke was there. He was incredibly rude." She adds as an afterthought.

Naruto breathes against her sternum. "I'm sorry."

"You aren't responsible for the way Sasuke behaves." She reminds him. She continues to stroke her hands over him. "Why didn't you call me?" she asks. "Or you doctor?"

"I did!" It breaks out of him hoarsely. He sounds like he's about to cry. He sounds...lost, still. "I called them as soon as I started freaking out. But...but they told me they couldn't help me."

Everything in Hinata stills. Her own tears. Her breathing. Everything. When it starts up again, she is hot with fury. She gently pushes back off his shoulders, making enough space for her to lift his head up. She feels her breath hiss past her teeth. "What?"

He sniffs, nodding. "I did. I called both of them. My therapist told me not to stress and psych office told me to 'take a walk'."

Hinata stares at him for a long moment, steady, in both disbelief and rage. They were supposed to help him and they dismissed him?! She blinks a few times, her teary eyes gone dry. She tries to speak twice before she manages to get the words out. "Where is your phone?" She finally asks.

"Uh...I think I left it out there on the floor." He sounds apologetic. And sad.

She rubs the back of his neck. She's mad, but not at him. As if afraid she was moving away, she feels Naruto's arms tighten.

"Don't." He presses his face closer into her chest. His voice is muffled.

"I'm going to call back your doctors office. I cannot even believe the nerve!" She bites out each syllable.

Naruto pulls himself closer. "Please don't."

"No, Naruto. I'm not just going to let your doctors, the people that are supposed to help you, ignore you! This is ridiculous!"

He needed help and they left him to flounder.

And she wasn't there.

Guilt trickles through her system.

She's been so wrapped up in his case...had she missed warning signs? Had she neglected his needs?

"No," Naruto shakes his head a little. "I don't care about that. Yell at whoever you want, just don't let go."

The pleading notes in his voice pull ehr up short. She feels her anger being pushed aside in her concern for him. She will deal with them later. Right now, her place was here. "Baby?" She croons quietly, brushing her fingers through his hair.

"I'm sorry." She can feel Naruto struggle against her, his shoulders hitching with uneven breaths. His fingers dig into her shirt. "I'm really sorry, I - I - fuck, I can't calm down. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm sorry Hina, I don't know what to do-" he is crying now. She doesn't think he even realizes it.

"Shhhh, hey, hey, hey it's okay." She soothes, rubbing his scalp through his hair, cradling him closer to her. "It's okay. Everything is going to be fine." It's a promise. She's going to make sure of it.

"Okay." He whispers back, but his grip is still tight, his breathing still erratic.

"Okay. Good. Okay. Here, hold on." Leaning a little away from him, Hinata stretches for her medicine cabinet. Her fingers shake a bit, but she pulls her bottle down and taps out one pill. "Here."

"What?" Naruto looks at the pill and then her in confusion.

She swallows a little. "It's mine." She urges him to take it. "I think you're having a panic attack. This is for that. It's to help manage spike of anxiety. Or stress." It's her higher dosage, but she had made specifically sure that her pills wouldn't mess with his-just in case.

She didn't think she'd ever completely lose that caution where he was concerned, but that was more her than him.

Naruto's eyebrows knit together. "I don't understand."

She shifts a bit in his arms, but refuses to be a coward. "I have panic attacks. It'll help you. I promise." Maybe not a cure-or a fix-but definitely help.

"I'm not like that." Naruto declines.

She tries not to feel stung by that. "Naruto, it's okay to have panic attacks, it's not-"

"No," he argues, quietly. "I'm not a junkie anymore. I know I used to use and shit, but I promised you I was better. And I know I did a fucking shit job, but I promise. I'm not like that. I'm not a piece of shit."

Hinata grabs his chin quickly, maneuvering his face and tilting it up towards her. "You were never a piece of shit." She's going to find each and every person that ever hurt him and she's going to wreck them.

He makes a face at her. "Come on, Hinata."

"No. you're wrong," she stays adamant. "I know that you're not like that anymore. You've done so well staying clean. Don't think I haven't noticed. And I'm so proud of you. But you can't just hold yourself to some unattainable standard."

Naruto scoffs a little at that. "I don't think not being a drug addict or an alcoholic is an unattainable standard, Hinata."

"That isn't fair! You didn't have parents. There was nobody there for you. You were abused. And you have a mental illness. Do you know how common substance abuse is with mental illness? High, because you don't know what to do and you're just trying to feel better. That's what you were doing Naruto. You were just trying to get by, and survive in a world where nobody taught you how." She can't help the way her voice rises or the heat of her argument. He means so damn much to her.

He lays his head back against her chest. "I think Kiba was right," he murmurs.

She blinks at that. Never in all the years they've known one another has Naruto thought Kiba was right about anything. "What?"

"That you just make excuses for me. I know it's because you love me, but I was just a piece of shit, Hinata."

"That's bullshit." She snaps and then presses her lips together. He doesn't need her anger. She runs her fingertips through his hair, over his ears. "I know you," she tells him, softer. "I know you're different. I know you're doing better. I love and respect you so much for it. But if your doctor isn't going to help you, I am. At least until we can get you into a new one." She's going to call Inoichi. But until then..."Trust me. This is basically just like Benadryl. It'll make you a little drowsy, and calm you down. Then we can go from there, okay?"

She shifts the green capsule in her hand, holding it closer to him.

"Just this once." She promises. "Trust me."

Naruto looks up at her with nothing but trust in his gaze. He nods, lifting his hand, palm up. "Okay."

It's not long after he takes the medication before his head is nodding forward. He has yet to let go of her-not that she is complaining. Even so, she urges him to his feet. He takes his own medicine with a swish of water from her bathroom sink and follows her down the hall to the bedroom. She lays him down gently and gets him extra blankets when he mumbles that he's cold.

It's part of the aftermath of a panic attack, she knows. She lays with him until his breathing evens out and the tension leaves the hand clutching hers. Then she takes Argus out and rewards him for his concern and help. She rubs his belly for a long while while she has her own silent cry-letting her own emotions drain-before she takes him into the bedroom and past the spot beside Naruto.

"Stay with him," she whispers. It's not that late, and she's not tired, but she emails Shino and lets him know that she'll be taking a day or two off of work. He's not her boss-she pretty much is his, actually-and she runs her own schedule with the exception of meetings, but she knows he would worry otherwise.

She wants to stay home with Naruto-not to monitor him-but because she feels like she's neglected his progress. Neglected him. She's been so wrapped up in the things about him that she's lost focus of him as a person.

She doesn't want that.

She wants them to be a team.

She wishes that she could fill him in on everything, but after tonight, she'd rather focus on helping him cope with being trapped in her tiny box and letting him know how proud she is. She quickly compiles the list that Neji wants. Her 'log' of incidents to email him. She makes it into a spreadsheet because she's extra like that.

She makes a salad for dinner and tries to watch the news, but in the end she simply paces her apartment for awhile. She stays up late, but Shikamaru doesn't call. She can't help but feel a bit bummed by that, but she had more important things to focus on at the moment.

With that thought in mind she pads down the hall and curls up into the bed. Argus makes room for her, but keeps his snout on Naruto's belly. She pets him gently and then reaches out to stroke her fingertips across Naruto's lips before resting her palm over his heart. "Love you."