17 – Comfort Food
"Better to end this dream before it becomes a nightmare."
― Rachel Cohn, Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist
...
"Don't ever start dating," I tell my brother with a groan, as I let myself fall onto his bed backwards. "Honestly, it's not worth the trouble."
"Huh? Did you get another boy to break your heart?"
"No!" I grab a pillow and throw it at the boy. Simon hits it with the sword he's practising with at the moment, sending it right back at me. It barely misses my face.
"Oops, sorry." He grins apologetically, rubbing the back of his neck. My brother is useless. But it does feel good to see him again. Even if it's just a dream. His dream. One of his kittens leaps on top of the bed and nudges its head against my arm gently. It's Ebb, I think. I reach down to stroke her soft fur, marvelling at the cotton candy sweetness of the dream. I love Simon's dreams.
"So, who is the guy who didn't break your heart?"
I glare at him. It would be wrong to throw the cat at him… Even if it's technically not a real cat. I sigh, roll onto my stomach and bury my face in the fluffy pillow. "Ugh, I don't even know why I'm dating him." Suddenly the bed starts to shake. "Simon, what?"
My amazingly talented brother accidentally hit the bedpost with his sword, hacking it off and turning the surface beneath me into a wonky mess.
"Ah… I'm – a bit out of p-practise," he stammers, sheepishly.
"Are you trying to kill me?" I screech, get off the bed and snatch the blasted sword out of his hand.
"No, of course not," he pouts, his lower lip starting to quiver. He can be such a crybaby. But he's still my brother. So, I refrain from calling him that and hug him.
"I know, stupid," I tell him soothingly.
"Don't you like that guy?" He asks after a moment.
"Who?" I ask in return, enjoying the company of my little brother. As long as he's not trying to get both of us killed.
"The boy you're dating." He mumbles. I pull away, scrunching up my brows. It's an easy question. But the answer is not easy at all. It's messy and confusing and complicated. Why did I even start talking about this?
"It's complicated," I say quietly, walk over to the open window and gaze outside. The sun is shining. It's always summer in my brother's dreams. I can even feel the sunbeams on my skin.
"Why?" He asks, appears at my side and pulls himself up on the window sill.
"Because…" I break off. He looks so serious in that moment. For a moment I wonder, if he's aware that he's dreaming. Then he breaks into a carefree grin and I shake the feeling off. "He's a bully. He used to torment me," I whisper like it's a secret. "But I found out he likes me… and now we're dating." I shrug, helplessly.
"He bullied you?" Simon asks, surprise evident in his voice and the widening of his eyes. He looks even younger like this. I reach out and push a stray lock out of his eyes.
"He doesn't any more. He even apologized." I don't know why I sound this defensive.
"But why… I don't understand." He frowns. A cloud is covering the sun, leaving my skin cold.
"That makes two of us," I tell my fingers. "See, that's why I told you not to start dating. Especially not if it involves your archenemy."
Simon snorts. "My archenemy? Like a bully? Like Baz?"
I nod. "Yes! Dating a bully is the worst idea you could think of."
"Don't worry. I'd never date Baz. He's a prat. Do you know what he called me today?"
"No, what'd he call you?" I'm already getting angry even though Simon hasn't told me the insult yet.
"He called me a Squib," Simon says, his face turning red. "He said he already got his letter and I'll never get mine because I can't even light a candle with magic." He sounds so dejected I want to hug him again.
"He's lying," I tell him. "It's far too early for the letters. And you're not supposed to know spells before coming to school."
"I know," he sniffs. "That's what I told him, too."
"I'm sure you'll get your letter soon," I give his hand a gentle squeeze.
Simon nods. "Dad said that, too. He also said I'm clearly a wizard, or else I couldn't ride a broom. Cause Squibs can't ride broomsticks and everything."
"Right," I agree with another nod. Then I consider his words. "Wait, Squibs can't ride broomsticks?"
He shakes his head. "No. Brooms are like wands, he said. They are like channels or something? To direct your magic? Anyway, you can't ride a broom or use a wand if you're not a wizard." He finishes his explanation.
"I see." I didn't know that. But then, I've never really given much thought to squibs. I fortunately never had to.
"Maybe you should break up with him."
"What?"
"The guy who used to bully you. If you don't like him, I mean. That would seem logical to me." Simon grins at me, showing his teeth and that's when the clouds move past, revealing the sun once again.
It does seem logical. The way Simon phrases it. It's not though. Because I do like him. In a way. But I don't know if it's the right way. Or if it's enough.
…ooo…
Eating in the Great Hall was completely overrated. It was so much nicer to have supper in the kitchens with the friendly house elves who didn't judge her (like Hermione), lie to her (like Neville) or confuse the heck out of her (like Malfoy). The Creeveys had turned out to be more frustrating than her friends almost. Colin kept asking her to sign some kind of form and to get a signature from 'her suitor' as well. It was insane! So, she really didn't have another choice but to take her meals in the kitchens.
When she stepped through the portrait hole after tickling the painted pear, Haley had all the nerve to turn around again and skip supper after all.
"Oh. Such a surprise, seeing you here." Malfoy greeted her. He was leaning against the wall next to the entrance. What was he doing here?
She bit her lips, wondering what he might do if she spun around and ran. He'd probably catch her. She sighed. "Yeah, quite surprising, right?" She said cheerfully and walked toward her usual seat. What did it say about her that she had a usual seat?
Without hesitating, the boy joined her, a bunch of eager elves in tow.
"Bandy brought your spicy noodles as usual, Miss Haley." One of the elves said, placing a huge bowl of steaming noodles in front of her. Malfoy raised an eyebrow.
She coughed awkwardly, sending a small smile Bandy's way. "Thank you, Bandy," she said almost soundlessly. Malfoy snickered.
As the girl took her chopsticks and started twirling the noodles around in their sauce, she felt his eyes on her. "What?" She snapped. "You're not going to eat anything?"
Malfoy bit his lips, grinning. "I already did." He raised an eyebrow. "While I was waiting."
Of course he had been waiting. He was such a stalker.
"Why aren't you eating in the dining hall? With everyone else?"
Haley took her time, slurping the noodles into her mouth and splashing sauce everywhere, before answering. The boy watched her with a strange expression that was partly disgusted and partly amused.
"Is there a rule saying you have to take your meals in the Great Hall?" A distraction always worked.
"Are you avoiding me?" He asked, instead of answering her question.
"No." She replied lightly.
"Are you sure?"
With a frustrated sigh, she stabbed her chopsticks into her noodles. "Mostly, it's my friends I'm avoiding." She hadn't meant to admit that. But it bothered her. And she had no one else to talk to. Besides the house elves. Who admittedly were incredibly nice. And made delicious noodle soup.
"Why's that?" He was trying hard to hide his curiosity but Haley had a little brother. She knew all about boys and curiosity.
"They're idiots," was all she said, continuing to slurp her noodles. That sauce was so good. "Who needs friends anyway? They're completely overrated." She complained. Which wasn't true, of course. But it felt good to release her anger in some way.
"I agree," the boy surprised her by saying. "I never got the whole friendship thing anyway."
That made her stop for a moment. That was already the second time, he made her suspect he didn't have any friends. Was that a Slytherin thing? Something Sirius had told her once came to her mind. Slytherins never do something without expecting another thing in return. You can't trust them. My whole family is like that. She couldn't imagine living like that. Always assuming others were trying to use you. Constantly mistrusting everyone. Maybe that explained why Malfoy was so messed up? Maybe he had simply never learned… how to be nice to others?
"How fortunate that you've got me at least." He said playfully. "Doesn't that earn me extra points?"
"Extra points?" She pointed her chopsticks at him in amused disbelief. "Are you trying to win the house cup?"
"No, not that." He hesitated for a moment, seeming slightly sheepish. "The house cup is not the only thing worth winning." He muttered, a soft smile pulling up one corner of his mouth. He looked so content in that moment. Laid-back and… gentle almost. Not nasty at all.
There was a weird warm feeling in her stomach. Because of the noodles. Probably. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling. She decided not to dwell on it either way.
"What are you talking about?" She wanted to know, keeping her eyes to her food.
"It's a secret," Malfoy whispered, crossing his arms on top of the table and laying his head on them sideways. He sent her a smirk.
Haley rolled her eyes. "You and your secrets."
"I might tell you one day," he conceded. "But… you should tell me something about yourself first."
When he looked up at her like this, Haley could see every single one of his light lashes. They were so… delicate. Like spiderwebs spun between twigs. For some reason she couldn't look away.
"About myself?" She frowned, finally tearing her eyes away. "I don't know…" She didn't want to tell him anything about herself. Or did she? Haley shook her head. "Maybe… after you've told me something."
He narrowed his eyes at her. "No. I want to hear something about you first." Stubborn, was he?
"Fine," she sighed. "I can read minds."
"Legilimency, you mean?"
She nodded.
"Very funny, Potter."
"I'm not joking," the girl emphasized. "I know… that you're a huge Weird Sisters fan."
He sat up too quickly. "I'm not. And that doesn't prove anything."
"Don't try to hide it," she tskd, grinning. "I bet, you're favourite song is… Magic Works."
He snorted. "Am I a girl? Why would I like such a cheesy song?" He muttered, crossing his arms and looking away. Were his cheeks turning red?
"I knew it." Haley giggled triumphantly.
Frowning irritably, he raked his hand through his light hair, making it stand up vertically. "Fine, you've had a laugh. Now, tell me something about you."
His face was still flaming red but there was something unrelenting in the way his lips were pursed.
Haley placed down her chopsticks. "What do you want to know?" She asked, trying to buy time. Well, she didn't have to answer. Or she could make something up. Who knew what he was going to ask. Surely, about something personal or embarrassing or –
"What's that?" He asked pointing at her bowl of soup. "I've never seen it at our table."
"Oh, that?" The triviality of his question startled her. "It's a Japanese dish. Ramen. There are all these amazing spices in it. You've never tried it?"
He shook his head, eyeing the noodle soup sceptically. "No." Unbelievable.
"Well, it's a shame they don't offer it here regularly. I was lucky one of the house elves actually knew the recipe." She smiled, Bandy was such an amazing cook. "Actually, the first time I ate it was together with my brother. We went to that Japanese place by accident. The noodle soup there was so good that I totally forgot how–" Haley broke off in surprise. Why was she telling him this? She hadn't planned to share this particular memory. It was personal.
"What?" Malfoy asked, raising an eyebrow.
She shook her head. It had been a few weeks after her and Neville's break-up. She had been moping around and avoiding people until Simon had dragged her outside to try that new amazing place where they had the best scones ever. She hadn't been able to resist his pleading face. They had run around London all day, looking for the highly praised place, only to find it closed in the end. And because Simon didn't function without a proper amount of food in his stomach, they had opted for the next best place. Where they had been served the best ramen ever. The dish had tasted so amazing that it had made her forget about her broken heart for the first time in weeks. She had found that the world wasn't as bleak as it had seemed before and even genuinely smiled. And from that day on, ramen had become her comfort food of sorts.
But none of that was in anyway anything she wanted to share with Malfoy. The thought of her little brother only reminded her of her uncertain feelings toward the boy in question once again. Simon had advised her to… break up with him. Should she follow her brother's advice? She couldn't trust him. Or could she?
"You were saying?" He asked, looking at her expectantly.
"I-I forgot," Haley stammered, feeling strangely exposed. "It probably wasn't important anyway."
He watched her for a moment. Sceptically. "You're lying."
"It's a boring story. You wouldn't be interested." She deflected. Which was a lie. Too personal. That's what it was. Too revealing.
"I doubt that." He replied. "How could you know if I'm interested or not?"
His words were like a rope that he had thrown down into her hole of unease. Now, she only had to grab it and climb out.
"So… you're interested, then?" She asked, smirking suggestively. This was easy. Teasing around close to the surface. Playfully dipping in the tips of her toes… There was no need to dive into the deep waters. Not yet. Not ever.
"I didn't-" The boy started to say but Haley didn't let him finish. She pulled him forward by the front of his robes and stopped him from pressing the issue.
Malfoy didn't seem to like her method. At first, he returned her kisses but after only a few moments, he pushed her away, his brows deeply furrowed.
"You always do this," he muttered, scowling in irritation.
Haley let go of him, as if the words burnt her. "What? Kissing you?" She frowned. "You don't want me to kiss you?"
"No, it's not that, it's just–" he sighed, running one of his hands over his pale face that was blotted with red spots. "I'm really trying, you know? I want this to work. But… whenever I try to take a step towards you, you either step back or push me away!"
Damn. He was seeing right through her. She crossed her arms over her chest. Stance of protection. "Are you daft? Is this what pushing someone away looks to you?" She fired back.
"Not physically! You're never open with me. You don't trust me. You're not even trying! You can't even tell me one tiny detail about your life without trying to change the subject!"
"I wasn't-"
"This is stupid!" With a sweep of his hand he made her chopsticks whirl all across the table. "I thought you'd be – It's not supposed to be like this! You were so much more fun in my dreams." He muttered that last part in a way that seemed like he hadn't meant to say it out loud.
But Haley had heard them. The words. And they left a frosty, cold feeling in her chest. What did they even mean? She was so much more fun in his dreams? Was he being serious?
She didn't remember getting up but suddenly she was standing. "Well, I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your dreams!" She hissed angrily.
Malfoy was standing, too. He seemed astonished and confused. "I didn't mean – I wasn't thinking – I –" He was reaching for her, but she evaded his hands.
"Don't – don't touch me!"
"I was just –"
She didn't care. She didn't want to listen any more. She didn't want to look at him. She turned around stumbling over tables and benches until she reached the portrait.
"Haley, wait! You have to–"
"Stay away from me," she hissed, to stop him from following her.
Why did she feel this angry all of a sudden? Without taking another glance back, she ran. She didn't know where. She just needed to go. Run, and not wonder why the words upset her in the first place. She wasn't supposed to care. No, she didn't care. Not one bit.
But then… why did she feel like this? Like he had somehow betrayed her? Like an old wound had been ripped open. A wound that hadn't properly healed.
Why?
Why?
…
Running blindly through the castle was stupid. Because it caused you to run into people. Coincidentally, Haley stumbled right into her two best friends. Sitting in the middle of the hall. Holding hands. What?
"Oh, Haley, where have–" Ron started to ask when he spotted her. "Are you okay?" He added, noticing how unsettled she was.
Some part of her knew that she should be happy for them. That this was a good thing. But as it was, the feeling at the forefront of her mind in that moment was anger. And so, she lashed out instead.
"I see. You're so much happier now that I'm not around, aren't you?" The venom was practically dripping from her voice.
"What are you talking about?" Ron asked confusedly. Haley only glared at their hands. Quickly, he pulled his hand away, shaking his head back and forth. "I – It's not what it looks like – Hermione was just–"
But Haley never found out what Hermione had just been doing. She rushed past them, up the last flight of stairs that lead toward her common room without another word.
…
Sleep didn't come easy to her that night. Maybe it was too early. Maybe it wasn't dark enough. Maybe someone had hidden a pea underneath her mattress. Maybe –
"You didn't have to be so petty, you know?" Hermione whispered.
Haley groaned. "I'm trying to sleep," she replied, clenching her eyes shut.
"I've noticed. You've been tossing and turning for hours."
"You're not helping." She groaned, nestling further into the sheets.
"I wasn't trying to."
"For Merlin's sake, what do you want then?" Haley sat up and finally opened her eyes, which didn't help much. Where were her glasses?
Clucking her tongue impatiently, Hermione handed them to her. The world remained dark but at least it was starting to get into focus somewhat.
"Ronald asked me to check on you," she muttered, her mouth pulled into a frown. "He's worried about you."
"I'm fine," Haley whispered, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Can I go back to sleep now?"
Then, as if she was about to do something as unpleasant as collecting bubotuber pus, Hermione gave a deep sigh before looking into her eyes. "I'm worried about you, too." She admitted grudgingly. "And I'd appreciate it if you stopped snapping at me all the time."
Haley had the urge to do the exact opposite of her words but it was obvious how much effort it took the other girl to even admit she was worried. To seek her out first. Coming from Hermione, this was almost as good as a heartfelt apology. And Haley was tired of fighting anyway. So, she swallowed down her pride and scooted over to the side.
Recognizing the peace offering, her friend gave her a soft smile and sat on the bed next to her, leaning her head against the headboard.
"Sorry, about earlier," Haley whispered, staring up at the canopy. "So… are the two of you dating now?"
It was too dark to see it clearly, but Haley was almost sure her friend was blushing.
"No!" She exclaimed much too quickly. "I – we – we were just – Ron stumbled because of one of the trick steps and injured his wrist. I only helped him take care of the injury."
Haley snorted. "Oh, that's why you were holding his hand. Because of an injury. My mistake." The sarcasm wasn't lost on Hermione.
"Stop it," she replied, nudging her side with her elbow.
"Fine." She giggled, ducking out of her reach. "But I think it's about time, I told Ron that you were the one who hexed Parvati because he asked her to the Yule Ball instead of you."
"You wouldn't dare!" She sounded so appalled that Haley only giggled more.
"Fine, I won't." She amended. "But I honestly don't see what you're waiting for. You've been dancing around each other for years now."
Her friend shrugged, looking to the side thoughtfully. "I don't want to ruin it," she admitted quietly. "Our friendship. It's too precious."
"I know." There was nothing else for her to say. In the end, it was Hermione's decision. It didn't matter if Haley thought her best friends should finally get it together and admit their feelings to each other. All she could do was offer her support. She took her friend's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. The girl sent her a grateful smile.
"I'm sorry, too." She whispered then. "What I said to you about Malfoy… I shouldn't have said those things to you."
"You mean about me being less than a human being?"
"Yes… That." She coughed awkwardly. "I still think it's wrong to play with somebody's feelings," she continued almost challengingly. "But I could have said it differently."
"Yeah, well." Haley shrugged, not knowing what to say to that. She wasn't playing with anybody's feelings, was she? Not really. It wasn't like she had agreed to date Malfoy so she could eventually break his heart. She'd just wanted some peace. And also… There was another reason. One, she couldn't fully grasp yet. Let alone put into words.
"Do you really think… it's something I would do?" Haley asked quietly. "Play with Malfoy… just to get back at him?"
Hermione looked up at the midnight blue canopy. "I think… that you've been feeling frustrated and helpless for a really long time and..." She sighed. "Sometimes something like this can drive people to do things they would never do under normal circumstances."
"So, you-"
"That doesn't make you a bad person, though. In a way, it's understandable." Hermione continued, not letting Haley interrupt her. "But in any case, you're still my best friend. And I don't like you even a bit less."
"You know," Haley replied after a moment. "You really don't always have to be that brutally honest. Sometimes, it's perfectly fine to sugar-coat things."
Hermione chuckled. "If you want sugar-coating, you might want to go back to your own personal fan club. I'm sure the Creeveys already miss you."
Haley huffed. She certainly did not miss them. "Fine. But don't complain the next time I'm brutally honest with you."
"Looking forward to it." And suddenly it was like they had never been fighting. It felt good to finally have her friend back. The way the other girl smiled at her, told her that she felt the same.
"So, about earlier," Hermione started. "What were you this upset about?"
Haley groaned, her head hitting the headboard with a thud. "I only remembered exactly how useless boys are."
"Malfoy?"
"It's just-" She buried her hands in her auburn locks, pulling in frustration. "What kind of retarded blockhead tells a girl she doesn't live up to his fantasies?"
"Er… what?" Hermione sounded almost shocked. "I'm not sure I want to hear the details."
"It's nothing like that! Merlin!" She clarified. "We've done nothing more than kiss!" Passionately… Intensely… Wildly… Shit. The last thing she wanted to do now was think of kissing Malfoy.
"Why else would he say something like that?" Hermione asked sceptically.
"Because he's a sodding moron!" Why did she sound this dejected? "He might've as well told me that I'm lame and boring and a complete disappointment." She snorted. "And what's even more ridiculous is the fact that he was talking about me the whole time!"
Hermione frowned. "Sure, who else would he-"
"No, I mean, when he said 'You were so much more fun in my dreams' he was literally talking about me. He was comparing the real me to myself. When he thought he was only dreaming of me, I was actually there inside his dream." Haley bit her lips. Damn, she hadn't meant to say that.
"What?" It was obvious that Hermione didn't quite follow her. Which was understandable. She barely got it herself. But maybe it was time to finally come clean about the dream corridor. She doubted it would take her friend long to count two and two together anyway.
So, she started with telling her what her mum had told her, about the dream corridor, shared dreams and revelations.
"That's how you found out about Malfoy's crush? You've been doing this the whole time? Is it dangerous? How does it work? You should have told me! I mean, you know, it's highly immoral what you did – wait, did you spy on me, too?" Hermione was spewing questions at her like she was some kind of human gargoyle.
"No. I didn't spy on you. The only people I visited were mum, Simon and Malfoy." Then she remembered something. "Oh right, and Hedwig."
"Hedwig? Your owl?"
She nodded. "Apparently owls dream, too."
"I honestly don't know what to say," the other girl whispered. It had been a lot to take in. But in general, she was taking it much better than Haley had expected. Perhaps the indignation would properly set in tomorrow morning. "But then… it's like… wow, this is complicated. So, Malfoy likes you better when he's dreaming than when he's not. But actually, he's talking about you in both cases. The same person." She seemed to hesitate. "Why does it bother you then?"
"Because he doesn't know!" Haley burst out. "He doesn't know it was me all the time! He thinks the cool and exciting person from his dreams is nothing but a creation of his own subconscious. A fantasy. An illusion. It's like he's cheating on me with myself." She sounded like a four-year-old whose favourite teddy-bear had been torn to shreds. What the hell?
"That sounds awfully complicated." Hermione commented. For some reason she seemed amused about the whole mess.
Haley nodded. "I should never have started this."
"It was less complicated before you started to like him, wasn't it?"
"Exactly! I should never have started – wait what?"
"So, you admit it?"
"I'm not admitting anything! You tricked me!"
"Into a confession." Hermione sounded so smug.
"That was hardly a confession. I hate him. Never could I like someone like him." Haley spat, fighting the thought with every cell in her body.
"Then it shouldn't bother you that he prefers a fantasy over the real you, right?"
"No! I mean, yes – I mean, it doesn't bother me. Not one bit!" Hermione needed to stop putting words in her mouth. "You're worse than Rita Skeeter. Why do I even talk to you?" Haley mumbled, lying down and turning onto her side so Hermione was faced with her back.
Her traitorous friend giggled, dropping a light kiss on her cheek. "Because I'm your best friend." She whispered, before slipping out of Haley's bed and tapping back to her own.
Haley threw her pillow at the girl's head before she could slip between the curtains. She was insane. Completely nuts. As if she could ever like Malfoy. Yeah, right. Not every dream was meant to become reality. Some dreams were better left as they were.
Well, dream or not, it didn't matter much anyway. They were as good as over. It was a relief, really. Simon had been right after all. Why waste time dating someone she didn't like? It was better if they broke up. Like waking up from a nightmare. It couldn't have turned out better.
The arguments sounded convincing to her ears. To her brain as well. Logical. Reasonable. Safe.
It was only her foolish heart that wasn't quite there yet.
…
A/N: Hello folks! Ramen is like one of my favourite foods ever. Could you tell? Oh my, so much is happening in the chapter! What do you think?
Hope you're all staying calm and not letting panic get the best of you in these times. I mean, now there's all this time to read fanfiction. And watch starkid musicals on yt. (That's what I'm doing :D Anyone else? Tell me which musical is your favourite!)
Like... don't horde toilet paper. Or noodles. Or flour. I honestly never thought I'd be this happy to find toilet paper at my drug store. Today was my lucky day. Anyway... thanks for reading :)