21 – The Prince's Tale
"Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares."
― Aman Jassal, Rainbow - the shades of love
...
"I didn't dream about you last night. I woke up in fear."
― Michael Summers, I Had a Dream About You
...
Something is different about the dream corridor. Before, mum's door was to the right and Simon's left of my own. On the opposite side was a door surrounded by snitches and broomsticks with a lion's head as a door knob. Dad's door, pretty sure. I've come up with a theory: Doors close to your own door mirror how close you are to the person dreaming behind it. Dad's door has moved further right, so now it's exactly opposite mum's door. And the free space opposite my own door… is now occupied by a door with a Myron Wagtail poster. Draco Malfoy's door. It used to be further down the hall somewhere far beyond Simon's door. But I've noticed it coming closer and closer during the last weeks. I wonder what it means that it has moved directly opposite mine now.
Maybe it means he hates me. They say you can only hate people you really care about. But I'm not sure that's completely true. I hated Draco long before I started to care about him. But then… maybe I never really hated him. And if I did I definitely had a good reason.
Maybe it means he still cares about me.
On the other hand, it might simply be because I'm the one who cares about him now. And I want him to be close, so this might be my subconscious doing.
Last possibility: The doors change their places randomly and all of this means nothing at all.
There's a tiny part of me wanting to check. Get a teensy glimpse into his subconscious and find out if he really does hate me. But that's foolish of course. It's exactly that kind of thinking that got me into this mess in the first place.
Even if I wanted to I couldn't visit him. Before going to sleep I locked his gobstone inside my drawer. That way I won't even be tempted to do something stupid.
I regret not owning something with his smell to be honest. I could have huddled it close to my chest and buried my face in it, as I cried dramatically for my lost relationship. But then I would have had another object to potentially misuse.
Well.
Back to the reason I'm here. Mum. I desperately need to see her. I just know that once I see her friendly face everything will be better. I won't feel as if there was an open wound in my chest any more.
Right. Purposefully, I make my way over to mum's mint green door. How do I open it again? Get the key from the cauldron while avoiding the flames. Check. Then push it into the lock and unlock the door. Check. And… I'm in.
Mum has her back to me. Her hair is up in a messy bun and she's wearing pastel orange coveralls that clash terribly with her hair. She's sitting on the floor, cross-legged with a huge paint brush in her hand. The wall of the room in front of her is already partly painted a deep sky blue.
I remember her like this. When I was a child we used to do this all the time. I think there's not a single wall in our house that we missed. Dad would always shake his head at the sight. Ask mum why she didn't use a spell. Mum would only raise an eyebrow and ask in return why he never used a spell to polish his quidditch trophies. He'd shrug then and leave us to our painting. Sometimes he'd join us. But only on the days where no quidditch match was being broadcast.
The nostalgic feeling makes me run straight for her, almost crashing into her.
"Haley?" Mum asks, turning around to face me. "What's wrong, love?"
I don't know why or what exactly triggers it but suddenly I'm in her lap, clutching her tightly and sobbing into her shirt.
"I messed up," I wail dramatically. "I m-messed up everything!"
Mum's arms come around me and stroke across my back soothingly. It's extremely calming. For a moment I forget why I was so upset in the first place.
"Everything?" Mum repeats, combing through my hair gently.
"Yes!"
"Why do you think that?"
"It's just-" I tug at my hair, taking a deep breath. "One moment, everything is perfect, right? We get along splendidly. And I'm happy. I haven't felt this way ever since Neville broke up with me… And… I can tell he's happy, too, you know?"
Mum hums, silently urging me to go on. I love how she's just letting me talk without interrupting me. Usually her judgement comes at the end.
"But today I… I kinda told him… that I've been visiting him in his dreams and that I found out about his darkest secret and now he hates me." The admission doesn't make it better. Aren't you supposed to feel better, after talking about your sorrows?
"I mean – It's not supposed to be like that. He's supposed to forgive me and forget this ever happened. Especially, after everything he's done to me in the past! I'm supposed to forget all those horrible pranks he pulled and he can't do the same? How is that fair? Stupid Slytherins think they can get through with everything!" My fist hits the floor, expressing my anger.
Mum gently takes my hand in hers, stopping me from hurting myself further. The fun thing is, I didn't even feel anything. The pain in my chest, tearing at my heart is so much more intense.
"Why does it hurt so much?" I whimper, clawing at my heart. "The way he looked at me… He looked so angry – so pained. Mum. What if he doesn't forgive me? What if he never talks to me again?" The idea sends a fresh pang through my heart.
"My little pumpkin," Mum soothes, gently brushing the new tears from my cheeks with her knuckles. I feel like I'm five again, falling off my broomstick, my back hurting and the disappointment in dad's eyes hurting even more. Or like when I was ten, and dad chose to go and watch one of Simon's junior quidditch games instead of coming to support my first guitar performance. Or like when I was thirteen and Professor Trelawney told me I had a pretty face but she could see little beyond that in my future. Or like at the beginning of last year when Neville told me he wanted to break up with me for no apparent reason at all. I'm never enough. Maybe I'll never be.
"It's like Trelawney prophesied," I sob. "I'm a disappointment. A pretty disappointment. I keep disappointing people and then they leave me."
Mum gives me a sharp look, before shaking her head. Then she shakes my shoulders. "That's nonsense and you know it."
"But-"
"Your dad always has the worst influence on people." She mutters, before turning to me again. "My foolish daughter, let me tell you that there is no prophecy like that. You're not a disappointment. Quite the opposite, you're exactly right, the way you are." She gives me a smile that warms me right to the core. Her smiles always have that effect on people.
"However," mum starts, introducing the less pleasant part. "Everyone makes mistakes. And from what I understand, it looks like you've gotten yourself into quite a mess. How would you react if someone told you they'd been spying on you in your dreams?"
"I–" I chew on my lips, not sure how to answer that. She has a point. But… "But you're the one who told me to do that! You told me about the dream corridor in the first place!"
"Ah, yes." For the first time mum seems slightly sheepish. She touches her nose, smearing a smudge of blue paint over her cheek in the process. "I guess, I did." She shrugs. "Who would have thought you'd actually fall in love with the kid you wanted to get back at?"
"In love? Ha. That's fun." Honestly, how'd she get that idea? I shake my head, denying her suggestion. "I'm not in love. Don't you think I would have noticed that?"
"Well… from the way you talk about that boy, he must be someone very important to you."
"I…" Now, this is something I can't deny. "He is." I admit with a heavy sigh.
"On second thought, maybe I should have expected that," mum mumbles almost to herself.
"What?"
"Considering my own younger self… maybe I shouldn't have shown you the dream corridor." She picks up her brush again and starts twirling it in her fingers thoughtfully. "I thought you were mature enough. I thought… you wouldn't repeat my mistakes." Her voice sounds far away. In another time.
I want to ask… I want to know about her mistakes. But the sad crease of her left brow makes me hesitate. I wonder if those mistakes are related to dad. But then why would she be sad about that still? Could they be related to someone else? But who would that be? I'm not sure I want to know.
"So…" I say unsure.
"So!" Mum claps her hands together once, breaking the strange tension. "How do we fix your problem?"
"That's what I wanna know." I pick up a small paint brush and stare at the blue wall in front of me. The brush pulls my hand toward the wall like its magnetic. I'm not sure if I'm the one starting to paint or if its the brush's doing. But after a moment there is a portrait of a blond Slytherin on the wall. He doesn't look happy. Instinctively, I reach out a hand to touch the image but that seems to make paint-Draco only grumpier.
"Don't worry so much." Mum says squeezing my arm. "I'm sure the little prince cares about you a lot as well. That's probably the reason he got so mad in the first place."
Wow, that helps a lot. Well, it actually helps a little bit. "Little Prince?" I ask confusedly. Mum nods toward my painting. I snort. Paint-Draco does look similar to the little prince from that French story.
"He's not as wise, though." I reply thoughtfully.
"You're not as wise either." Mum comments, painting a small red rose next to Draco, the little prince.
"Am I supposed to be the rose, then?" A pretty disappointment…
"The rose's flaw," mum starts to say. "Wasn't her beauty. It was the fact that she always hid behind her beauty, using her thorns as a shield. Never letting anyone too close. Not even the prince. Who she loved. Until it was too late and he left."
Is she trying to tell me I have trust issues?
"But the prince was at fault, too. Maybe… he shouldn't have left in the first place?" Mum muses, then her tone changes. "So, when did it start to go wrong?" She asks, seemingly done talking about flowers.
"I don't know. He asked me how I knew all these things about him and I did the right thing and told him, I spied on him and he was all 'How dare you!' and throwing ice cream around and–"
"You said you spied on him? Phrased like that?" Mum almost seems amused. And she always calls me rude. This is serious!
"No! Not like that – I…"
"Okay, okay, you said it more gently of course. Did he really throw ice cream at you?"
I raise my hands in defence. "Not at me! He threw it at the wall… He… He even-" He even broke his guitar.
"He didn't hurt you, did he?" Mum says, inspecting my face closely, the amusement gone from her eyes.
"No!" I shake my head. "No… he didn't hurt me."
Mum sighs in relief. "That's good. I really didn't feel like coming to school tomorrow."
I'm not sure she's joking.
"If he ever hurts you, though, make sure to tell me and not James. The boy might not survive a meeting with your dad."
"So… What do I do?" I chew on my lips restlessly.
"Why did he throw the ice cream?" Mum asks instead of answering me.
"What?"
"Think about that… I'm sure you'll find the answer then. If not, you know where to find me."
"Mum! Popcorn is done!" Someone interrupts us. We turn around at the same time. Simon is bursting into the room, a bowl of popcorn in his hands. "Oh! Hi sis! I didn't know you're here, too."
"Don't call me that." I hiss but I'm so happy to see him. Even if he's just a figment of mum's subconscious. "Salty or sweet?" I ask, eyeing the popcorn.
"Both," Simon grins, his words making me gag. Is there anything worse than popcorn that is sweet and salty? Mum grabs a handful.
"Ew."
"More for us then," Simon chimes happily, stuffing his rosy face with popcorn. He smiles at me and in that moment the sun rises an inch, giving his face an iridescent glow. It catches on the bracelet he's wearing. Isn't that one of mum's? It's got a tiny red dragon charm on it. But that's not important now. I need to focus. I feel like we were talking about something very important just now.
What was it?
"Mum, the potion alarm went off. It says 'stir clock-wish' or something." Simon informs her.
"Ah. Thanks, love. I'm afraid that means our time is up. It would be terrible if I messed up the Resurgence Draught." She gets up light-footedly like a dancer.
"But – I still don't know–"
"It's not about knowing." Mum shakes her head, a secretive smile on her lips. "Try feeling for once." She smooths down my braid and kisses the top of my head gently.
I want to argue but the colours are already starting to blur, becoming formless blots.
"No, wait! I don't understand!" I gasp, my surroundings fading into nothingness. The last thing I see is the vague picture of a boy I painted. A boy who I disappointed. How nice would it be if I could simply take a brush and paint a smile onto his face.
…ooo…
It was the middle of the night, when Haley woke up. Stupid. Who brewed a potion in the dead of night? Apparently, Haley's mother. She sighed. Rubbing her eyes tiredly. It was way too early to get up. Maybe she could try and catch some more sleep…
…
The next time she awoke was when someone burst into the dorm, calling her name like mad. "HALEY! HALEY!"
"What?" She groaned, pulling her pillow over her ears to block out the noise. She hated people waking her up rudely.
"You need to get up! The training!"
"Huh?" Training? What training?
"The whole team is waiting!"
Oh. Quidditch. She'd totally forgotten. She cursed the day she'd tried out for the quidditch team. Why wasn't there a guitar competition team or something in Hogwarts? Or an art club?
"Yeah, all right. Be there in a second," Haley mumbled, rolling over to the other side.
"You're not supposed to fall asleep again!" Someone snatched away her blanket.
"Hey! Give me back my – oh, it's you." She blinked up at a tiny blonde girl that looked like that Evinda kid. Or whatever her name was. But who could say for sure, she wasn't even wearing her glasses. "What's up with you Creepy kids?" She muttered, reaching for her glasses.
The girl cleared her throat. "It's Creevey. Not creepy. Also, that's a pretty old joke." She sent Haley a glare. Hm. It looked as though she wasn't as much of a fan of Haley as her big brothers. She'd have to be more careful with her.
"Whatever," Haley mumbled, getting out of bed with a groan. "Is it too late for breakfast?" She asked hopefully.
"Breakfast? It's already past noon!"
Past noon? Why had no one woken her up?
"But how am I supposed to play on an empty stomach?" Haley whined, opening her drawer to fetch her brush. Only to find… a gobstone instead. The sight reminded her of yesterday's events with the brutality of a punch to the stomach. She touched the stone hesitantly. Like she wasn't allowed to any more. She should probably return it…
A strange crinkling noise made her turn back toward the younger girl. "What are you doing?"
Eliza – Was that her name? – innocently hid her hands behind her back. "Nothing." She chirped.
Haley knew that tone. "Show me your hands." She ordered.
The kid showed her hands obediently. There was nothing suspicious about them.
"Turn around." Haley narrowed her eyes.
The girl rolled her eyes but turned all the same. Again, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
"Should I do a handstand next?" Ella asked mockingly.
Strange. Haley could have sworn…
Edna cleared her throat impatiently. "Training started half an hour ago!"
"All right, all right. I'm coming," Haley said, shoving the drawer closed and finally getting out of bed. Duty was calling. She'd have to deal with the matters of the heart later. And maybe with bratty little girls.
…
Later happened to be during supper in the Great Hall.
"Would you stop using my cup?" Hermione hissed, pulling her cup far out of Haley's reach.
"Hm?" Haley reached for the cup again but now there was only air. She glanced down to the table. Oh. Her cup had been to the left not to the right. "Sorry." She took the left cup this time, blindly taking a sip of coffee, eyes focused on the Slytherin table.
"What's wrong with you?" Hermione asked impatiently. "Are you drinking coffee at this hour?"
"Yeah." He wasn't there. Haley must have scanned the table at least fifty times.
"You really shouldn't-"
"'s fine. My body's used to it by now." She let her eyes wander over the table once more. More slowly this time.
"Didn't mess with her quidditch skills. She was amazing today!" Ron commented. Haley didn't remember. The quidditch training had gone by in a hazy blur.
"Ow!" Ron said. It sounded as if someone had kicked him beneath the table. "I mean… Hermione's right, of course. Too much coffee… is – er… not good."
Hermione rolled her eyes.
'What?' Ron mouthed quietly.
Hermione shook her head.
"He's not there." Haley muttered. "Where is he? He never misses supper." Was he avoiding her?
"Malfoy, you mean? Are you fighting again?" Ron wanted to know. "I really don't get it. One day we hate him, then you date him, but it's only pretend, then it's not pretend and now…?" His brows furrowed in confusion. Haley wished she could explain. Why was all of this so complicated?
"Actually, he missed breakfast as well. And lunch," Dennis Creevey chimed in.
Haley whirled to the boy. "What? How'd you know?"
"I was on duty today. I checked on him. Hasn't been around all day."
Wait, wait, wait. Duty? "What do you mean you checked on him? Where has he been all day?"
"Oh, well." Dennis shrugged. "We've got to make sure he's not doing anything shady, right? I mean – not follow him around or anything, just keep an eye out. And today… there wasn't anyone to keep an eye out for."
Haley felt her nerves dwindle. "But where is he then? He has to eat, doesn't he?"
Dennis shrugged again. "It was his fault, you missed one hour of training today, wasn't it?" He mumbled irritably.
But Haley didn't hear. There was a map, she needed to check.
…
She couldn't find it. The map wasn't in her trunk, in her drawer or anywhere else in the dormitory. Haley wanted to scream. "What do I do?" She whined to herself.
"Haley?" Someone asked, entering the dorm. Hermione. "What are you-?"
"You have to help me!" Haley stormed toward her friend, grabbing her arms. "How do I find him? I can't find my map and he's been missing all day! What if he's hurt or lost or hungry or-"
"Haley, breathe!" Hermione stopped her, taking her hands gently. "Tell me what happened."
Haley exhaled, trying to calm herself down. "I told him. Everything. About the dreams and – well…"
Hermione's eyes widened. "You did? How'd he react?"
Haley shrugged. "He was mad, of course. But that doesn't matter now. I need to find him!" She tore at her hair. "Where could he be?"
"I'm sure he's just fine," Hermione soothed. "Maybe he doesn't want to be found. You should give him space. To cool down."
"But what if something happened to him?" Haley argued helplessly.
"He's probably in his dorm, having a first-year deliver him food. He's not been in the Great Hall for a day. So what? Honestly, don't you think he can take care of himself? He's a wizard after all."
That made Haley freeze.
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"R-Right. But he's spoiled rotten. He doesn't know how to survive in the real world." She hoped that argument would satisfy Hermione.
"Hm." She said glancing over to the window thoughtfully. "Still. I think it's best if you give him time. It's almost curfew anyway."
"But-"
"I'm sure, he'll be back for breakfast tomorrow." Hermione argued, pushing her friend toward her four-poster. "You can start worrying if he stops coming to class."
Haley sighed. Maybe Hermione was right. Maybe she was overreacting. "All right. I'm sure he'll be back tomorrow."
…
Monday morning and the Great Hall was still Draco-free. He'll be in potions, Haley told herself. He never missed a potions lesson. Perhaps… because it was a subject where he didn't need his wand? Or if he needed it for the fire or something, he could easily order his cronies to do it for him. Hadn't they always acted like assistants rather than friends?
But he wasn't in potions either. He'll be in the Hall for lunch, she convinced herself half-heartedly.
He wasn't. Still, no sign of him either. The whole of lunch break she spent looking for him, forgetting to eat her pumpkin pie. She was on her third cup of coffee. During Care for Magical Creatures, she even considered asking Pansy Parkinson for help! Luckily, she came to her senses before actually going through with it. To dispel the idea and do something more productive, Haley sneaked off toward the tree house after Hagrid's lesson. Maybe she'd find him there.
But she couldn't even find the tree house. The birch trees were there. But no sign of a house up in the branches or a ladder leading toward it.
"Draco! Draco, are you there?" Haley called again and again. But there was no answer. She didn't know if he heard her or not. Or if he was even there…
This was stupid. She was wasting her time. Her next class had started long ago. Well, she had more important things to do.
He wasn't in the Owlery. Or the Infirmary. Maybe, she really should have asked Pansy Parkinson. Where could he be? Why was no one else worried about him? Haley sank to her knees up in her tower, sifting through the contents of her trunk once more. And where in Merlin's name had her map gone? It wasn't in her drawer either. There were only her hairbrush and… the gobstone.
It was the only thing she had of Draco. Perhaps… it would lead her to him? Somehow?
Haley put the gobstone into her chest pocket, next to her wand, close to her heart. It calmed her somewhat.
At the portrait, she almost walked into someone, who was about to enter the common room.
"Oh, sorry – Haley?" A familiar voice said, steadying her, before she could lose her balance.
It was Neville. And just for a second, when his familiar scent surrounded her and she saw his blue eyes from up close again, like before – like when everything was normal, when there were no dreams or fights or lost magic – she wished herself back. To that simpler, less complicated time.
"Thank Merlin, everyone's been worrying. Ron and Hermione…"
Worrying… Right. She was worried. About Draco. Because he was missing and no one cared. She needed to find him. Resolutely, she pushed his hands off her. She couldn't go back. Things had changed. And they would never be the same. Neville should know only too well. He was the one who somehow took Draco's magic…
She glared at the boy. "Oh, yeah? All you ever do is worry! You're worried about our relationship, you're worried the time's not right, you're worried we're too young, you're worried I'm a monster!" She stopped herself, glaring at him angrily. "But I'm not the monster here! I would never do something like this to another person!"
Neville frowned at her. "What are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about!" She fumed, pointing a finger at him accusingly. "But luckily for you, I don't have time for you right now." There was something more important for her to do. She shoved past him out into the hall. Not wasting another precious second on him. This was all his fault anyway.
…
If Haley was an emotionally unstable teenage boy who'd had a fight with his girlfriend… where would she be? Sulking in her dorm? Hiding in a secret tree house? But then… he had to be hungry. So… maybe the kitchens? She was already halfway down the stairs, convincing herself he'd be there, when another thought entered her mind. If he's trying to hide… or avoid me… he'll expect me to look in the kitchens. So… not in the kitchens… But somewhere else…
Slowly, contemplatively she stepped down the last couple of stairs. A place where she wouldn't think to look… That could be anywhere. That could be –
Haley stopped. She'd walked past a room that seemed as inconspicuous as any other room on the floor. Maybe it was that fact that made it all the more suspicious. There was no light shining through the door gap. It wasn't even closed properly. Usually, closed and barricaded doors were the most enticing. Doors screaming "There's nothing to see here! Stay outside!"
Maybe it was none of those things. But instead the fact that she remembered. She'd been in there before. Not too long ago. Even though she normally didn't spend her time in unused class rooms…
Haley held her breath, as she slowly soundlessly tip-toed over to the door. Her heart started beating faster. Maybe he was really in there…
Luckily, the door opened without creaking. That would have been too melodramatic.
It was almost completely dark in the forgotten Charms class room, nothing but a torch at the far end of it offering a splodge of light.
A hunched over figure was sitting alone in the shadows. Could that be him? Haley inched closer, spotting familiar blond hair that was dull and stringy.
It was him. His knees were pulled close to his chest, arms wrapped around them and his face hidden from the world. He looked so sad and lost that Haley had to swallow back a sob.
Hadn't he noticed her? Or was he simply trying to block out the world?
She didn't know what to say. Should she say anything to begin with? Now that she found him she started to wonder if maybe she shouldn't have come. He probably didn't even want to see her.
Pull yourself together, a voice that sounded suspiciously like her mum said in her mind. He's only mad because he cares about you.
Right. Haley summoned the last bits of courage she possessed and quietly sat down next to him, leaving a safe distance between them. She didn't know what she'd expected. Another explosion maybe? Like on the weekend in the tree house? But there was only silence instead. He didn't acknowledge her at all. Was he even awake?
Haley leaned a bit closer, trying to catch a glimpse of his face. But all that was visible of his head was his blond hair. And all around the edges of his dark robes, she could see a sea of used coffee cups. Had he drunk all that coffee? Had he even slept?
"Seems you finally found me." He whispered suddenly, making her jump in surprise.
"I–" She started, unsure what to say.
"Not like it was a good hiding place, anyway." His voice sounded so tired, so lifeless. And when he finally looked up to meet her gaze, his eyes mirrored the impression a hundredfold. There was more red in his eyes than white. Or grey for that matter. Dark shadows were painted underneath them as if he hadn't slept in days. Maybe he really hadn't. But why? Was he afraid of more nightmares? Or maybe… was he afraid of… her? Coming to spy on him in his dreams again?
"Have you been in here… all this time?" Haley whispered, not daring to speak any louder.
He didn't answer. Only stared at the sea of cups as if he wondered who they might belong to.
"I've been looking for you." She added, wondering how long this strange calmness of him would last. It was so different from the rage.
"So?" He chuckled humourlessly. "Why? So you could gloat? So you could tell me all about the way everyone's laughing? Made up all kinds of names, I bet." He picked up one of the cups, looping two slender fingers through the handle and dangling it in front of his eyes. "Malfoy, the loser… Malfoy the failure… have they started calling me a squib yet?"
"Stop." Haley said. He sounded so distant. Like he wasn't really there. Like he was talking about someone… who didn't concern him. Someone who wasn't worth… caring about.
"What? Do you feel guilty now? After telling everyone about my…" He scoffed. "condition?"
"I didn't! I swear, I didn't tell anyone." Haley protested. Was that why he was hiding? Because he was afraid… she'd told everyone about his secret? "I'd never… do something like this…"
"And why," he drawled still with that indifferent voice, "should I believe you?"
"Because–" she started but she had no idea how to answer him. "Because I…"
"When were you planning to tell me about your spying?" He asked, for the first time there was a spark of emotion visible on his face.
"I…" She bit her lips. "I…"
He chuckled darkly. "Never then."
"That's not true!" She replied. "I wanted to tell you. I just…" She looked at her fingers. "I didn't know how."
"That's your explanation? Would you trust someone who argues like that?"
"I–" She was starting to get frustrated. "Well, you're not the most trustworthy person either." She hissed, reaching into her pocket and fetching the gobstone.
"Here. This is yours." She offered the gobstone to him but all he did was stare at it in wonder.
"You had this?" He whispered, hesitantly raising a hand in her direction.
"Yeah." The unspoken why was in the air. Haley sighed. "I needed it to get into your dreams." She explained. "A personal object."
He pulled back his hand at once. As if her words had turned it into something foul and repugnant.
"Wow. On top of a liar you're also a thief." The words hurt. They hurt worse than Haley liked to admit. Was that really… what he thought of her?
"I'm being honest now." She raised her chin defiantly. "I'm returning this to you because without it, I can't walk into your dreams."
Draco glanced over toward the used cups with a scoff. Perhaps he regretted drinking all that coffee now. Then he shook his head. "Even if that was true… what does it matter now? Nothing matters any more." He narrowed his eyes at the gobstone and the dark leather band it was attached to in Haley's hand as if it had personally offended him. "It doesn't change a thing. It doesn't give me back my magic or–" He broke off, his voice catching on the word magic. "I don't know what I was thinking, kidding myself, thinking this would pass if only I waited long enough. If only I studied hard enough." He sounded like he was close to tears. "I shouldn't… I should never have come back."
Haley didn't know what to do. How to help. It's not about knowing, her mum had said. Try feeling for once. Feeling. That was easier said than done. Her stupid head never stopped wondering and contemplating, shoving thoughts back and forth endlessly, never getting anywhere.
She decided to stop overthinking and said the first thing that was on her mind. "Is it really gone?"
Her hand flew to her mouth. Maybe that hadn't been the most considerate thing to say.
He flinched, a flicker of hurt flashing over his face.
"I mean-" She tried, pedalling back. But there was really no way to take back the words once they were out.
"Do you want me to give you a show?" He muttered, eyes dangerous slits.
"It's just I've never heard of – you know… there's nothing about it in the library. How… how does it even work?"
"The library." He scoffed. "Been there, believe me."
Haley bit her lips. "So?" She was probably too eager. There was no way he was going to tell her… But then… he didn't seem all that angry any more. More than anything he seemed dejected and sad.
"So… how did I… lose my magic…" His eyes suddenly focused on her. "That's what you want to know, isn't it?"
She nodded, the curiosity nearly killing her.
"Fine, might as well tell you the tragic story." He sighed dramatically, running a hand through his stringy hair. "It's not pretty… think you can stomach it?"
Haley silently urged him to go on.
"How did you find me? Why'd you look in here?" He asked, changing the topic.
"It's not the only place I looked." She replied, deciding to humour him. "I checked the infrmary, the owlery, the tree house, I thought about looking in the kitchens next-"
"The tree house?" He interrupted her. "You got inside?"
"Er… not really. Without the password…"
"I see." He snorted disdainfully. "Guess, you weren't desperate enough."
Now what the heck was that supposed to mean? "Anyway, that doesn't matter now. I remembered–"
"What you did in here in December a year ago?"
"What? No…" Haley frowned. What was he talking about? "I remembered… this is where we first… you know…" She felt heat rush into her cheeks. This was the unused class room where they'd had their first kiss – turned snogging session.
Draco chuckled. "You remember that? What about the other thing? That December?"
Haley shook her head. "I don't know what you're–"
"You asked him out – that bastard. Right here. The same day, I wanted to ask you."
"What?" This rang a bell somewhere in her memory.
"I was livid," he continued. "I'd planned it all and finally convinced myself it wasn't the most foolish idea of all times… and then you go and ask Neville Longbottom to the Yule Ball. The irony." His voice was full of disbelief, as if the whole situation still baffled him. "I couldn't let him get through with it. Who was he, thinking, he could take something I wanted so badly. I needed to teach him that this wasn't how you treated a Malfoy."
Had he just called her a something?
"There was… a spell." His voice began to tremble, only a bit. Haley almost didn't notice it. "I found it in an old potions book. 'Against true evil' it said next to the spell. No more than that. I thought it sounded promising." He chuckled, his fingers clenching around his cup as if he needed it to hold himself together. "I didn't know." The admission was quiet, almost childlike. He paused. Perhaps looking for the next words. Perhaps convincing himself to continue. Perhaps stuck in a memory… of a day in December…
"You didn't know?" Haley asked, clearing her throat.
"No…" His eyes started to focus once more. But his mind still seemed far away. "I saw him again… walking through the hall. It was a few days after the ball and I just – I was so angry." He grimaced, a shadow of that anger showing on his face. "I… didn't know what I was doing… all I wanted was to hurt him like he hurt me. So… I tried the spell on him. He didn't even defend himself." Draco chuckled darkly. "That's probably why… it backfired."
Wait, what? Did that mean…?
"The sodding spell backfired on me and now…" His voice was splintered glass. "Now I can't even do a simple Lumos."
"You mean…" Haley pondered, her mouth falling open. "You're the one who-"
"Yes!" He thundered. "I lost my magic because of my own bloody foolishness!"
"B-But I thought… Neville…" Did that even make sense?
"Guess, he was lucky, your hero." The boy spat.
"Then… if it hadn't backfired… Neville would…" This was too much. It felt like the world was spinning around her. Draco had tried to curse Neville and… his spell had backfired for some reason. Not taking away Neville's but… his own magic. He'd been trying to take away Neville's magic. The mere thought horrified her.
"I didn't know." He said again softly, brokenly.
"But if you had…" Haley started slowly. "you… wouldn't have used it… would you?"
He stared at her, dead in the eye. "I don't know. Maybe." Then he shook his head violently, pain distorting his features once more. "No. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone!" With an angry sob he threw his coffee cup against the wall closest to him.
Disgusted. Appalled. Scared. Haley should have felt all of these things and more. Should he have used a shady spell, he knew nothing about because he was angry? Probably not. But in that moment all she could see was a boy filled with anguish who had no one to reach out to. Who had drunken a dozen cups of coffee, afraid of falling asleep. Who was hiding himself away, too scared people would make fun of him because he'd lost his magic.
And in that moment all she found in her heart was the overpowering wish to comfort him. To be there for him. To make him stop aching.
"You should go," he muttered, turning away from her, ready to shut the world out once more. To shut himself off.
"No." Haley protested quietly.
"I don't care if you tell them the whole story. Would have found out anyway. Sooner or later."
"No." She repeated, louder this time.
"What?" He frowned.
"I'm not going to do that. Any of it." She grabbed his hand, underlining her point. She wasn't going to let him fall deeper into this pit of despair.
He tried to pull his hand free but Haley held on tightly.
"You don't get it," he said, half-sobbing, half-hissing angrily. "This is not a game! It's not going to pass! I'm as powerless as a muggle!" The words seemed to shock himself more than it shocked her to hear him say them. He stopped fighting her and continued in a hopeless whisper. "Don't you get it? It's hopeless. I might never be able to cast a spell again. You're wasting your time with me."
The light. Haley saw it vanishing from his eyes. The sight scared her. She squeezed his hand, trying to provide some sort of comfort.
"You can't give up so-"
"Give up?" He repeated her words, staring at her, as if she was a mildly irritating bug. "Don't you think I've tried anything I could to reverse it?" He shook his head. "Inside this whole library I found nothing. Nothing in the manor either. It's a spell some dark magician made up when he was at school, of course not bothering to come up with a countercurse!"
"But – there has to be something-"
"There isn't!" He insisted. "Why can't you just leave it alone and go? It's useless. My own father would disown me if he knew what a failure of a son he had. What good am I without magic? Who'd want someone like that? A pathetic disappointment. That's all I am. A broken, miserable-"
"That's not true!" Haley exclaimed, stopping his flood of self-loathing. She inched closer to him, reaching out her free hand to place it against his cheek.
"What do you care?" He asked voice a bitter husk. "Just leave me alone."
"No."
"I – Didn't you hear what I said? I lost my magic! I'm not a wizard any more – Who'd want someone like that? I'm nothing but a useless–"
"I don't care," Haley said, stroking across his skin with her thumb tenderly. "And you're not useless."
"What?" Draco echoed, a tad disbelieving. A tad hopeful.
"I don't care if you're a wizard or not." She explained calmly.
"No." He argued weakly, shaking his head. "You're just saying that. You're messing with me." He looked so vulnerable and scared. Like a little boy almost. Fresh tears glistening in the corners of his eyes, eyebrows pulled together in sorrow, bottom lip quivering dangerously.
It filled her chest with shards of glass. "I wasn't honest with you before," she admitted. "But – what I'm feeling now – I don't know what to call it exactly but I know–" She paused, her voice catching and raised her other hand to gently brush away his tears with her knuckles. "Seeing you like this… it makes my heart ache. And… the thought of not seeing you or talking to you or touching you…" She took a deep breath, swallowing down a sob. "makes me so scared, I can't breathe."
Draco only watched her, speechlessly, hanging onto her every word as if she'd put him under a spell.
"I don't know how you did it… But somehow… you charmed me completely. And all without a single drop of magic."
"You wouldn't be that cruel… would you?" He asked carefully, searching her face for a lie. "You wouldn't… trick me like this? To get back at me?"
Haley sighed, wondering how on earth she'd get him to believe her. Then she reached into her hair and pulled off her hair tie. "Here." She said, rolling it over his wrist. "You can walk into my dreams with it. Figure out if I'm lying or not." It was like giving him permission into her mind. Into her subconscious. To sift through her deepest secrets. Now, she was the one feeling vulnerable.
For a long moment he stared at the yellow hair tie thoughtfully. Then he sighed tiredly and slung his arms around her, pulling her into his lap. "Just don't lie to me." He whispered into her hair like he was telling her a secret. "I've already lost so much… I don't want to lose you, too."
"I'm here." She whispered back, pressing herself closer against his body, taking in his familiar scent, mixed with coffee and sweat. It could've smelled unpleasant but in that moment, she really couldn't care less. "I can share my magic with you. I've got enough for both of us."
"I don't think-" He started but Haley interrupted him, her voice light and playful.
"Or we can run away together and become rock stars. I've always wanted to be a rock star."
That made him chuckle. If only a bit. "You're insane." Then he pulled back slightly, pushing one of Haley's lose strands behind her ear. "You'd do that?"
"Course," she replied. "Who needs magic anyway?"
It had been the wrong thing to say. There was the flicker of pain again. "Right." He said then, contemplatively. "Who needs that? I've got you, my personal house elf." The way he said that made it sound like a challenge. Or a test.
Haley rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. But you don't get to boss me around."
"But that's the whole fun of having a house elf!"
"I'm taking it back then. Get yourself another fool who'll play your house elf." She replied, making to get up.
"Wait," he said, tightening his arm to hold her there. "I was joking. Don't… don't go." He sounded so fearful, that something in Haley's chest softened.
"I won't," she said, cupping his face and combing through his hair fondly. "And also… I'm sure we'll find a solution for your… problem."
Draco shook his head and sighed tiredly. "I told you. There's no hope–"
"You know what my mum always says? There's a potion for everything. And if there isn't… it simply hasn't been invented yet." She was trying to convince herself as much as him. But on the other hand, she did believe in those words. There was always a way. You only needed to look in the right place.
"Honestly, I don't think-" He kept arguing but Haley quietened him with a quick kiss.
"Shush. We've worried enough for a decade. We should do something fun now." She looked at his red, shadowed eyes that screamed SLEEP DEPRIVED. "Feel like taking a nap?"
He leaned forward and kissed her. "Napping isn't fun," he murmured tiredly.
Haley chuckled. "I'll still be here, after you wake up. Promise."
"You're not… going to be in my dreams?" He asked hesitantly.
"No." She shook her head, wondering if this time he wanted her to visit him. "Here," she tied the gobstone around his wrist next to her hair tie. "I can't visit you without it, remember?"
"Yeah." He glanced at his wrist thoughtfully. "Can I really get into your dreams like this? Without…" He chewed at his lips, before whispering, "Magic."
Oh. She hadn't even thought about it… But then… Hedwig had come into one of Draco's dreams that one time so… if it was possible for owls… it should be possible for him as well.
"Yes." Haley said, confidently. "But… you probably shouldn't try today. You'll feel even more tired. Dream walking… it's much more exhausting than normal dreaming." If she was honest, she was relieved about it. She didn't know if she was ready to let him into her dreams. It seemed like such an intimate thing. And wasn't that hypocritical of her?
"Oh." He seemed to consider that. "Well, I wouldn't even know how to do it anyway." He said, almost disappointed.
"I'll show you," she promised, reaching for his hand once more. "One day."
"When exactly?" How eager he sounded.
She rolled her eyes. "Soon."
He pouted.
"But now you should get some real sleep, don't you agree?"
"I'm not tired," he said, stifling a yawn.
Haley snorted.
"Fine," he agreed. "But you have to keep your promise."
Which one? She wanted to ask. She felt like she'd promised him a thousand things today.
"Don't worry," she said. "I'll-" Haley stopped. His eyes were closed. He hadn't fallen asleep, had he? "Draco?"
He hummed softly but didn't show he'd heard her in another way.
She smiled at him fondly, taking in the hard wall he was leaning against and the cold stone floor they were sitting on. How could he just fall asleep in a place like this?
Taking out her wand, she pointed it at the coffee cups and transfigured them into fluffy pillows. Why hadn't he thought of that? Then she mentally slapped herself. Of course… he hadn't been able to. Maybe he'd even thought about it… only to realize he wasn't capable of casting the spell.
How painful it had to be, being constantly surrounded by magic, always being reminded of what he'd lost.
Gently, she lowered him onto the pillows, making sure he was completely comfortable. It was the least she could do for him. She used her cloak as a makeshift blanket to keep him from freezing, while his breathing got calmer.
"One day, I'll show them to you," she whispered. "My dreams." She touched the shadows beneath his eyes as if to wipe them away.
He smiled contentedly, like he'd heard her words. Hadn't he fallen asleep after all?
Well, it didn't matter anyway. Even if she wasn't completely comfortable yet with the thought of sharing something that personal with him. Even if that wouldn't give him back his magic.
She was determined to keep this promise.
Maybe it would distract him from his bigger problems at least for a while.
…
A/N: Wow, this chapter was long. Well, now you know more about Neville's side of the story. I'm sure you've still got lots of questions but don't fret... I'll try to answer all of them in the next four chapters. (Because there will be probs 4 more chapters)
Leave me your thoughts, dears :)