So for anyone still reading this, my apologies that it's been forever since this was updated. A few people asked on tumblr, and I promised to get this updated before the end of January, so here we are!
There will be one chapter after this ;)
Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing + MAJOR thanks to Bamberlee for editing!
I would highly recommend rereading the last few chapters lol.
She does stay.
For a while.
Unfortunately, I hadn't thought this through with my usual, precise logic. I had thought it through minimally, with a brain heavily riddled with lust and want, and a few warm fuzzy bursts of euphoria that someone would ever want to stay with me. Even in such a state –high on the endorphins of kissing Violet after killing the man who'd ruined her life and her fingers sliding into my hair as she silently agreed not to leave - I knew it would end.
There was a very large part of me that was very much aware of who Violet was and that was no one.
Not to me, of course.
In some strange, other worldly way, she had become everything.
The only person important in my life, the very reason I'd killed someone in broad daylight, in a busy office. The only real reason I wanted to keep going, or that I had any purpose here.
But to even herself, she wasn't anyone important. She couldn't see why she could fit in here, or why I needed her to stay. Even pressed against me, the hesitation was there, creeping up over the unknown. The past. The present. The future I was handing her, in bloodied, calloused hands.
I couldn't erase the facts just like I couldn't erase the past. For years, she'd been conditioned not to matter. She'd long believed she was just a name or a patient number, someone who filled a place, and when her time was done, she'd be replaced by someone else.
I wasn't naïve enough to think that overnight she would forget any of what happened. Years of buried trauma, years of repressed, angry and barbed feelings that would rise up when she least expected them to, and years of being silenced. I couldn't even begin to think of how I could help her, because I knew it would come off as me rushing her to just move on.
I knew all of this would happen, though, when I broke away, resting my forehead against hers, sticky with Derek's blood. I could feel it all vibrating beneath her skin, just waiting to get out. Fear, apprehension, devastation. Longing. Disbelief. Horror. Panic.
Desperation.
Acceptance.
I could feel all of this, with every breath she took.
I could do my best to shut them down, sure. I could attempt to fumble my way through what I believed would be a relationship, doing my best to keep her happy, doing my best to reassure her I wouldn't hurt her.
My mind had laughed at that one.
I had once killed both a man and his girlfriend just because she pleaded for me to take her instead of him. I'd mocked the idea that one could love another in such a way that they'd be willing to die for them, or that being apart would be unbearable.
I knew such acts, these telling moments of my past, would most certainly not be erased by saving Violet. At the root of it, I was who I was. I could hold her close, touch her hair and her collarbone, and ask her not to leave. I could remind her that she was strong, that she'd survived years in a building designed to break people down. I could show her, plead with her, scream at her, but ultimately, I couldn't save her the way I wanted.
That would also be my downfall.
The lovely and harsh realization that I'm not a good person, and Violet is. She deserved good. She deserved someone who could love her, who wouldn't panic through every shaky breath or nightmarish dream. She deserved someone who hadn't once been just as violent as the men slamming needles into her neck or burning her skin with hot jolts of electricity to calm her down.
I kissed her forehead as she held onto me, ever quiet, ever unmoving in her moment of just being, and I knew this wouldn't last.
"How is she?"
Four slides into the seat across from me, and his expression is predictably weary. His eyes are tired and his hair is unkempt, but his uniform jacket loudly informs everyone that he has taken the job of Leader here. It comes not with honor or glamour, but the authority to shoot someone dead for not listening.
Things were shitty.
I couldn't lie to myself any more than I could lie to him.
In my quest to save Violet, I'd left the factions in an uproar over the bloodbath I'd caused.
"Fine. Great. How are you, Four? Sleeping well?" I take a sip of my drink, and I smile in total mockery.
Things weren't just shitty.
Things were about to fall apart in the most spectacular, fucked up way of all.
To start, Jack had died.
That one wasn't planned. While I liked the outcome, I had thought he'd hang on for a bit. Spend some time suffering the same way Violet and I had. Feeling the itch of stir-crazy desperation when he realized he wasn't leaving, and feeling the heavy burn when he realized there was nothing he could do about it.
But, alas, he didn't make it very long. It also hadn't taken long for the doctors at the asylum to send a frantic message to Candor, only for it to be returned when no one in Candor knew what was going on. It was eventually sent to Tori, the last official leader of Dauntless, then myself. Jack had died a week after being in the asylum, due to an infection resistant to antibiotics. The note announcing his diagnosis and time of death was short and clinical, and asked that we notify his family.
We didn't.
This only made things worse, because just when we found out Jack was dead, Candor realized that Niles had found his son with his head bashed in. He hadn't reported it right away, but he should have. It was an act of violence that I was one hundred percent responsible for. My fingerprints were all over the dead body, having painted a masterpiece with his own blood, but not a peep was made.
We knew why.
He was trying to figure out what had happened. Niles knew someone had taken the laptop and he knew what we'd find once we were able to get into it.
And we were.
Four had long been moonlighting as the head self-taught hacker of Dauntless, and this was child's play to him. A few quick keystrokes, one muttered laugh at their security software, and he was in. Once he bypassed a few boring files, he discovered all sorts of fun little scandals. Derek was having an affair with Jack's wife, Jack's daughter was sleeping with Jack's receptionist, Nile's wife was drinking heavily to dull the pain of knowing all this. It went further to less interesting scandals, but ones that were just as devastating to those involved. Mistrials. Covered up evidence. Cases won on circumstantial evidence alone. Judges accepting bribes. Unfair sentences. Lenient sentences for violent crimes.
The list was endless.
The rotting corruption of Candor should have pleased me, but it only pushed for Erudite to step in when they realized something was up. An emergency meeting was called, and someone tried to get a hold of Jeanine. For a solid week, they phoned. Emailed. Attempted to fucking stop by, only to be told she wasn't available. Four had responded as much as he could, but eventually, he told them to come to Dauntless because they would no doubt, eventually discover Jeanine was dead.
They did.
Needless to say, they were less than pleased.
A small fight broke out when they very rightly accused us of having something to do with it, but they didn't get much further than that.
None of our prints were on Jeanine. By now, her body would have been burned and disposed of by doctors at the asylum. We were on long erased security footage. The trucks GPS showed a quick visit that had been erased. There were a few lingering witnesses who saw me shoot Harrison, but it was their word against mine.
Still, none of it mattered, because there was no one left to enforce any of this. They were at our mercy, and Tori quickly presented, then dismissed it all, as unfortunate but necessary security matters.
Candor had spent a few days trying to throw together a new leader, a new panel of judges, and a new committee to oversee all of this. So had Erudite. Both had a few options, but they were waiting, until they had Four's approval.
It was a turn of events he loathed.
"You know, I came to Dauntless to seek out some anonymity," Four informs me, and his eyes are dark with amusing disdain for me. "I came here to get away from my own shit. And now, you have me in charge of every fucking faction we have. Except Amity. But they aren't saying much."
"Don't get too comfortable. I hear Johanna isn't looking too good these days."
My words are cheeky, and he exhales heavily.
"Eric, this is…this is going to spiral out of control. We…I cannot oversee every faction. Tori and Reggie are covering as much ground as they can, but Erudite is incredibly suspicious of our motives, Candor wants you in front of them to explain your actions, and Dauntless is hanging on by a fucking thread. Tori and Reggie are doing their best to help, but you…you've been in Abnegation. For two weeks now."
I shrug, toying with the glass in front of me.
It wasn't the bitter amber colored drink I wanted it to be, but a dark, fizzy soda that wouldn't do much more than keep me awake.
"Violet's…she wanted to see Natalie. She's been staying there off and on. It's less intimidating than here," I answer, hating that I have to admit this. I hate the words with every single cell in my body. I had left her there a few nights ago, looking like a replacement daughter for Natalie. Natalie had smiled tightly over her head, while Violet stood pressed against her side, and I knew I was losing the battle of who got to keep her.
It was a battle I didn't deserve to even be in. A battle that shouldn't exist.
But Natalie had stepped in as someone who could care for her, and Violet needed it. She needed whatever Natalie offered that I couldn't, and I wasn't going to tell her no.
Things had been rough since I kissed her. She often looked at me like she wanted more. Her lips would part when I took my shirt off, and her eyes would darken when I climbed in bed beside her. She liked to be close to me. She liked her legs touching mine and her fingers on my skin, but sometimes, it was too much.
I didn't look like Derek, but in the dark, that didn't matter.
Even though her panic was usually short lived, she usually wound up curled against me with wet cheeks and shaky hands and I knew that no matter how much I wanted to fix this, I couldn't.
I didn't personally think Natalie could, but maybe there was something I was missing.
"And you had to stay there too? You and I were supposed to go to Erudite. They want someone overseeing them. They need order and accountability and that might not be you, but…"
"She asked me not to leave. You nearly had a panic attack when you couldn't get a hold of Tris, so I would think you'd understand." I remind him, and I like the way he shakes his head.
"Is she going to stay in Abnegation?"
"I hope not," I answer immediately, but I had the sinking feeling she also wasn't staying here. "She likes it because it's quiet. Safe. Boring."
"Dauntless is safe," Four protests, and he still doesn't like that Violet doesn't really like him. We'd eaten dinner with him and Tris once, and it went about as well as eating with complete strangers could go. "She should stay. Tris could get her a job in…"
He stops talking because I stop listening. Violet could barely sleep through the night, let alone hold a position in Dauntless that dealt with any of our security. She'd be better off coming in with me and reading a book while I worked.
I hadn't even brought that up. I stayed with her as much as I could. I tried to minimize the time I was gone, because the time I was with her was the only thing that mattered.
I couldn't even begin to let myself think about it. It hurt every time I pulled her against me. Every time she sunk closer, every time her fingers grazed over my skin. It hurt when I kissed whatever I could: her hair, her forehead, sometimes her lips, and it hurt because I wanted her to stay and I knew she couldn't.
It had worked in the asylum. It was her and I against everyone there, and I could easily slip into her bed and keep her safe. I could keep her safe here, too. But here, everything was new. It wasn't familiar or routine. It was rocky and unpredictable, and there were times when I was called away to soothe Four's rage of being left in charge of damn near everything and Violet was left alone.
I would have assumed Four liked it, but his tantrums started becoming daily occurrences.
"Eric, I need you back in the office," Four demands, and I smirk.
"I never thought I'd hear you say such a thing, Four. Power looks good on you."
He doesn't smile. He only glares harder, and I like this weariness to him.
"Tori and Reggie want to work something out. Maybe…maybe we restructure things while we have the chance. Maybe we see what everyone wants. But we have to talk to someone in Abnegation and Amity and we have to do it soon. Otherwise, we're at risk for everything collapsing. I can't…I can't carry every faction on my own. Neither can you." Four leans back in his seat, and his expression is tense.
I watch him while I drink my soda. I'd have thought he'd love the chance to drench each faction in his own uptight morals. But it turned out Four was over worked, overwhelmed, and over it when his saintly personality wasn't cutting it with everyone.
"Fine. Violet's staying until Friday. I'll be in the office tomorrow morning," I announce with no enthusiasm, and he smiles back with just as little.
"Great."
We sit there in silence for a few minutes, and he finally orders a drink from the waitress. We drink in silence too, him nursing some terrible, craft beer that no one here would ever like, and me, wishing I'd ordered something that would put me to sleep. We sit there for a long time, both consumed by our own thoughts, until I pay the bill and tell him I'll see him in the morning.
She calls right before I fall asleep.
I answer immediately, my fingers nearly dropping the phone as it threatens to vibrate right off the nightstand. I catch it on the second ring, and her voice is low and soft, blanketed by the silence of Abnegation.
"I miss you, Eric."
Her words make everything better and everything worse. My chest tightens and my eyes burn at the unfairness of this. I could stop it. I could go get her. Demand that she come back and stay with me. Force her to go to sleep and just get over whatever demons had sunk their claws in.
I want to.
Badly.
"Come home," I answer, and my eyes burn even worse because this isn't her home and I know it. When I blink them, they feel weird and sticky, and I shake my head to stop my body from reacting. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm alright. I've been helping Natalie with a few of the neighbor kids during the day. It's been…sort of nice. Sort of reminds me of the um, the classes we took. You know, with…with Bobby and Aidy."
Her voice is heavy with the emotion of saying their names. I'd never found out what happened to them or where they went. I'd sent a few soldiers out to find them. I didn't have any last names to go off, nor pictures, or even any clue of where they'd have gone, but I tried. I had the asylum search under the pretense of some fancy doctor from Erudite who didn't exist. I had Four try to snoop around the asylum's data base, trying to hack in to find out their names.
He got in, but there was nothing.
There was plenty on Violet.
A laundry list of failed treatments and failed therapies.
A few pages on me, listing my lack of progress and prescribed remedies.
"I didn't find them yet. But…I will. I'll keep looking," I promise her.
My promise drifts into the darkness of my bedroom, and my bed is far too large without her in it.
"Eric…" she says my name, and it's a painful stab to the already aching pulse beneath my ribs. "Can you come stay here? It's just…it's really dark in Dauntless and sometimes it's too much."
"I know," I screw my eyes shut, and I try to remember if there was a time when I was afraid of the darkness. I had liked it for a long time, leaned into it like a creature of the night, for it hid everything I didn't want to face. But it only brought forth unhappy memories for Violet, ones that didn't go away just because I turned the light on. "Violet…"
"Eric, I just want you to know…whatever happens, I think…I think maybe you're the only person who ever really cared about me."
This time, her voice is heavy. It sends a wave of panic through me, because I have the sinking feeling Natalie hasn't cured anything.
She's only a band-aid slapped over the wound to help it heal.
"Violet, I can leave now. I can…I'll drive there." I sit up, throwing the covers off me, but her protest is immediate.
"No, it's late. I'm fine. I'm just…thinking. I've been thinking a lot." She pauses, and I hear her sigh. "I should just go to bed. It's just hard to sleep without you."
"I know," I answer roughly, and I want to go see her. I have half a mind to, but it's late, and I can't back out on my word to Four. He's not anyone I ever wanted to work with, but I had little choice these days and even less of a chance that he hadn't instructed the guards to make sure no one left Dauntless tonight. Including me. "You can come back anytime. I'll come get you. Or I'll come there. Just…call."
There's still an awkwardness to this. There's an awkwardness to letting someone know that they mean something to you. It feels shameful to need her, or to want to see her, no matter how many times I tell myself it's okay. I'd long convinced myself I could exist on my own, but I was finding out that was untrue.
It left me feeling very unbalanced.
"Goodnight, Eric."
"Goodnight."
I can't say her name.
I sit there for a long time after she hangs up, my phone in my hand, and I want to call her back.
I want to call her and tell her I understand. That sometimes my own dreams twisted and warped until I was no longer dreaming of the dark missions Jeanine had sent me on, or my entire faction betraying me, but my time in the asylum. I wanted to tell her I often dreamt of Aidy and Bobby, even of Pete, sometimes coming after me. Sometimes happy to see me, with big grins and wide eyes, and sometimes furious. I didn't need to be a psychology major to know they were symbolic of everything and anything. My time there. The lukewarm friendships I'd formed. The unease of being picked apart and prodded, dehumanized and forced into treatment to fix whatever issues someone believed I had.
I wanted to tell her that lots of times, they only stopped because I had her with me. Because I could open my eyes, and she was there, right next to me, tangible proof we'd survived.
But she wasn't here now, so I leave the light on, and I only fall asleep when being alone becomes too much.
"Where's Johanna? I tried to call this morning and there was no answer."
I take the seat beside Four and he looks the same as last night. His hair is still uncombed, and he chews on the end of his pen hard enough that I expect it to break open. The thought of him with ink all over his face makes me smile, but it's short lived. He and I were both trying to get a hold of her and Marcus. They were the last two standing, and we needed them on our side before we could get started.
Too bad neither had answered.
"She's…not doing well. Someone told me to call back in a few hours and they sounded upset. I think they'll need to elect a new leader soon," Four mutters, and he sounds miserable over this.
It wasn't that he adored Johanna on any level.
It was that her absence meant another faction needed help.
His help.
"Okay, we have to split these up. Eric, you take Abnegation and Amity. Since Violet's there, you can stop and check on her. Then you can feel out how Johanna is doing. Tori, you take Erudite. Reggie, you take Candor. Look over their nominations and bring them back. We want a clean slate for every single faction, even if it means taking out their old leaders. Which…seems to be happening anyway."
"And you?" Reggie looks up from the mess of papers before him, and Tori points to a few names he'd highlighted. "You get Dauntless? You trying to take the easy way out, Four?"
"We have over two thousand men wondering where Harrison and Max went. We have three factions without leaders. If we don't do something fast, the factionless will have their chance to take over." Four answers sharply, and I find myself taking a back seat on this. I don't care about going to Abnegation or Amity, and for once, I don't even care to oversee Dauntless. "I'm going to find five men and women to bring on as sort of…lesser leaders. It'll take the pressure off us. Everyone okay with that? Otherwise, we have to bring someone else on and I think we all know that we're in this too deep to just open up the door to someone who doesn't know what's going on."
"I still think we should…"
"I want in."
We all look up from the table. We're sitting in the cramped meeting room, around the ancient oak table. We could have met anywhere, but it felt fitting to continue our work in the same space as before. Everything was swirling with chaos right now, so this felt stable. Safe. Right, to make our decisions in what was once our home base.
"You?" Tori leans back, and she eyes Tris up and down, like she's a foreign object. "Why? Has Four been filling you in on what's going on? Or did you just wake up and decide you were sick of your entry level job?"
Tris steps forward, and I use my time to examine her sharp posture. She's nothing special to look at. Her blonde hair has been cut to her shoulders, and her eyes are small and dark. Her mouth is a fine line of knowing exactly what's going on and the determination to fix it.
Her ambition would be appreciated if I didn't find her to be as dull as Four's sense of humor.
"I know everything. I know about the asylum. The missing patients. The doctors there. The funding. I know you guys are responsible for the death of at least two leaders. I also know a lot about Abnegation. I know who's in Abnegation, and I know why Eric's been there. I can tell you a lot about Erudite, too. My brother's there, and things are not good. They don't trust us, and if we fuck this up, we'll have a battle we might not win. So, we need to act now, and I can help."
"Really?" I lean back in my chair, and Four leans forward, unconsciously defensive. "You want in as what? A leader? Or just someone who's helping?"
"A leader. I've thought this over for a while. Let me work with Abnegation. The faster we fix this, the better."
"Why not Eric? Or Four? We don't need anyone else in this," Reggie shakes his head, and he looks at me. "What do you think? I mean, we were just talking about how imperative it is for us to keep this here. And you told her all that shit? Your girlfriend?"
"Reggie," Four throws his pen down, and I wait for his first tantrum of today. "I have been sucked into this when I never asked to. I've spent more time with Eric than I've ever cared to. I killed a doctor, someone I've never even met before, watched him commit murder, and took a girl from a hospital and hid her in another faction. All for Eric. All while trying to cover it up and make sure my ass wasn't the one responsible for any of it. I'm running out of patience for all of this, so fucking let Tris help us before we all wind up dead."
"Damn, you're not the only one," Reggie mutters, and I smile widely at him.
They were a lovely bunch, truly. I'd appreciated my time with all of them, but I was also running out of patience for how this was turning out. I couldn't fix this myself, for no one in any of the factions would trust me, so my hands were tied.
I wanted this over just as much as they did, maybe more.
Or maybe I just wanted out.
That was a new thought, an uncomfortable one at best.
"We'll vote. It's the only fair way to deal with this. If it ends up being a no, Prior goes back home and keeps her mouth shut. Are we clear?" Tori stands up, making herself the official voice of logic, and she looks at Tris until she nods. "Great. Four, you first."
"Yes."
"Reggie?" Tori prompts, and she turns slightly.
"Hell fucking no." Reggie shakes his head. "What about you? You realize this is going to be a tie, right?"
"I'm not voting. Eric's the deciding vote."
Next to me, Four groans. I can see Tris' future vanish before both their eyes, but it's their lucky day.
I'm over all of this.
I don't want to be here for another second, nor do I think it's humanly possible for us to keep up at this pace. At the rate we're going, each faction will decide to operate as their own entity, effectively ruining the system we'd worked hard to keep in place. It only worked if everyone worked together, and I wasn't arrogant enough to pretend otherwise.
I stare Tris right in the face, then I nod my head slowly, hoping she remembers this day until she fucking dies.
"Yes."
"You voted Tris in as a leader? Do you like her? I thought she was awfully…pushy."
Violet blinks up at me, and I swallow heavily. I reach out to touch her face, my fingers skimming over her cheekbone, and I regret leaving her here.
To both my dismay and my delight, she looks better than the last time I saw her. Her skin is pretty and flushed, and her eyes don't look so disheartened. She reaches for me, too, pulling me closer, down onto the bed she was sitting on.
"Natalie is gone for another hour. I just came home because I was tired," Violet smiles, and a second later, her arms are around my neck.
I close my eyes.
I'd come here after Tris' meeting with Marcus. It went about as well as one would have expected. He wasn't impressed with the current state of affairs, and I watched his mind whirl at how he could make it work to his advantage. The very selfish side of him wanted to keep it in this state of chaos, but since he was sitting next to Andrew Prior, he had to feign grace and shock, and he agreed to help however he could.
I left Tris talking to her father, an equally bland human being, but he did manage to look impressed at her shiny new status. I watched her downplay it, selfless and vigilant as ever, and I'd returned to Natalie's house to find Violet.
Alone and waiting for me.
She led me upstairs, to the very same bedroom I'd slept in, and pulled me down to kiss her hello.
She was small beneath me, and she wiggled out of the way so I could lie beside her. The actions hurt, because they reminded me of what I was missing. They reminded me of our nights together, when our only comfort was each other. They reminded me that no matter how I presented myself, how smug or slick I thought I was, the only thing I wanted was her.
"You should stay for dinner," she whispers, and I shake my head.
Everything in Abnegation was quiet. So fucking quiet. I didn't think I could handle an evening of sitting in silence, while Andrew glared at me over a plate of toast. He didn't like me. He liked Violet, but he was trying very hard to connect me to what happened to Violet, and it only made him frustrated when he couldn't.
I knew why.
He knew she was a good person, someone who'd been wronged in the worst way possible, and I was the one who'd saved her.
He didn't like that.
"I have to go to Amity. I wanted to see if you wanted to come. I know you said you wanted to visit."
My response is honest but sneaky. Back in the asylum, Violet had mentioned she wanted to go to Amity. Pete had made it sound like a romantic getaway, and I'd pointed out it smelled like horse shit. Violet had been undeterred in every way, because anywhere was better than being locked up in a mental hospital.
"Tonight?"
"Yes," I mumble the words against her hair, and her face is buried in my neck. The juvenility of this situation pisses me off. I've had her in my bed, half undressed or wearing nothing but my shirt, and I knew the only thing that would come out of it was her curling herself against me. I hadn't even tried for more. There was a chance Violet might have agreed. I could have kissed her just a little longer, or pulled her shirt over her head myself, but I had been too fucking careful, and now I was losing her. "Come with me. Just for a few hours. I'll bring you back here if you want. Or….you can come back with me. I'll tell Four to turn the lights on. He might even have a nightlight we can borrow."
She laughs.
Her disdain for Four hadn't gone away, despite his persistent attempts. She didn't even like Tris all that much, no matter what they did. They'd tried dropping by, bringing some muffins and offering to hang out, and they'd brought her things. Clothes to wear. A cell phone to use. Books to read. A tablet to watch things on, even though Violet didn't know how it worked. They had tried very hard to prove how nice they were, and all Violet could focus on was that Four had a weird name, and Tris looked pained when she smiled.
"Okay, well…I think I'll go with you, Eric." Violet answers me softly, quietly, just like before.
I hate it.
It was this place.
Abnegation was no better than the asylum, though at least here, the monsters weren't quite as obvious.
"Good," I mutter, and I silently pray that Natalie Prior doesn't fight me on this.
To my surprise, she doesn't.
It does smell like horse shit.
Just for a second.
I park the truck in front of the stables, knowing Johann's office was set upstairs. I don't expect her to be in it, nor do I really expect anyone to be here. It was growing late in the evening, and the sun was already sinking below the tree line. My only goal was to meet with someone, anyone, and encourage them to make sure they had someone knowledgeable in power.
Amity loathed having a leader the same way Four loathed being in charge of anything. They found it unfair; they liked to vote on things as a community to ensure everyone's voices were heard. While I'm sure they liked this, giving them a total sense of community, it also slowed down their process tremendously. Gathering an entire farming community together, hoping to come to an agreement on simple things, took time.
Time they didn't have.
"This is Amity?"
I help Violet out of the truck, more or less by grasping her by the waist and letting her fall down. The dress she has on is from Four and Tris, and while warm, it's not enough to keep her from shivering against the cold. It's also surprisingly too big, revealing too much skin considering Tris' taste in clothing.
"The one and only."
I answer dryly, catching a wide smile I haven't seen in a while. She'd smiled a few times back at Hidden Hills. It was always only for me, stolen in between moments of pure, actual insanity and the monotony of our routine. I smile back tightly, pulling her away from the golden sunset she's watching, and unfortunately, into the barn.
Her eyes widen, not in the way they had when we had arrived at Dauntless. There she had been greeted by dark coldness and sky high ceilings, and here, she is greeted by warmth and neighing horses. The barn is well lit, and the shadows come only from the horse's stalls. She walks slowly, making her way down the row, stopping at each one. They immediately respond to her, and it's clear they're used to human contact.
I smirk thinking of Pete denying his father had ever ridden one to come visit him.
Violet pays no mind to me, only the animals. She reaches out carefully, touching the mane of the darkest one for several seconds, before her eyes flash to me.
"Do you like them?"
Not particularly.
I'd touched one. Once. It had neighed when I walked by, almost as if it were telling me off, and I'd stopped only to reinforce my status as the one with all the authority. The horse was in its pen, but I was free, free to walk around and find whoever I had planned on hurting.
"They're alright," I shrug, stopping beside her. My uniform is as dark as the horse in front of me, and he seems to remember. He snuffs, then nudges her hand. "A little too fickle for my liking."
Violet grins again. "He doesn't like you. What'd you do to him? Steal his carrots?"
My own smile is absent of anything except appreciation for her joke. "Don't remind him."
I reach for her hand, sliding my fingers down until I can firmly hold onto hers, and I pull her back a step.
Amity hurt in an entirely different way, but not like Abnegation or Dauntless.
It hurt because it felt like hope, and I didn't understand why.
Of course, they have no fucking leader.
I stand in front of a tall man, his eyes oddly mistrustful for someone from Amity, and he frowns at me. His overalls lie over a bright green shirt and his hair is an unreasonable length for someone who works outside all day.
He speaks slowly, in no real hurry to get the words out.
"Johanna…she's not here anymore."
Wonderful.
"And you are?" I sigh heavily, knowing this could quickly go bad. If Amity had heard of the shit storm that was currently going on, there was a chance they'd balk and go back on their agreement to help out the other factions. That meant no meat or produce for anyone, which meant things would only become worse. "Look, I just need to talk with whoever is in charge. I'm from…"
"I know where you're from. My son loves Dauntless. Said the best friend he ever had was from there." The man stares at me, and he finally extends his hand. "Name's Rustin. There is no one in charge here. I've been trying to keep an eye on things, which has been working fine, but…I'm not so sure they think of me as Johanna's replacement."
"Is she…sick?" Next to me, Violet speaks softly, and her eye are glued to Rustin. He's older than both of us by far, and he looks at her kindly.
"Sort of. She stepped down temporarily, then we never saw her again. Woke up one day to find out she left everything here. Vanished into thin air."
Shit.
I rub at my temple with my free hand. "Do you need to file a report? I can get some men over here—"
"No, no." Rustin refuses, and that's a good thing. I don't actually know how many men I can bring over here to investigate this disappearance without them laughing in my face. Our lord and savior Four wouldn't handle this news well, either, and I'd like to put off having to tell him until I have things in order. "We think she wanted out. Her time here was done. We understand. We just haven't gotten around to making a decision on things."
His calmness is infuriating, but it'll be downright maddening to Four.
"Alright, well…I'm here to make sure everything between our factions stays in good standing. There are some…security issues going on, things with Candor and Erudite, and we'd like to make sure we have your support. We're working to keep things stable, even though it might mean some changes."
"Yeah, we heard. We dropped off the Erudite shipments last week. Guy was talking about how Jeanine isn't in charge anymore. Said her death was suspicious," Rustin answers easily, but I find myself suspicious of him. He doesn't seem high on anything, and there's an underlying edge to his words that I'm not so sure I'm imagining. It pairs well with the underlying suspicion when he looks at Violet and squints his eyes. "What's your name? You look familiar."
His attention slips from me to her, and she blinks in surprise.
"Me?"
"I've seen you before," Rustin tells Violet, and her eyes widen. "Long time ago. Your name's a color. Pete liked it, I remember him telling me that. Said he wished his was Amarillo."
"Pete!" Violet gasps, and the pieces all fall into some weird, unusual place. "I know him! I'm Violet!"
"Violet!" Rustin's face lights up, and he grins. "I met you once when we were visiting that place. The uh, the hospital. I never should have let him go there. He came back a mess. Showed up out of the blue, brought along a few friends and told me he was never leaving again. I was sick with guilt over letting them take him."
"Is he still here?" I ask, and I feel it again, the same heavy tick of hope rushing up my spine. "Pete's your son?"
Rustin nods. "He is. He got into some trouble a while back. They decided it was best he be sent up there, and we had to agree to it or risk him becoming factionless. He's not a bad kid. He tries his best." He pauses, and he looks much happier than when we arrived. "You must be Eric. Pete's been talking about a Violet and an Eric. Said he wanted to go find them. Wanted you to know he's okay and you're still his best friends."
Violet's fingers tighten on mine. "Can we see him?"
Rustin nods, and he gestures out of the barn. "I'm sure he'd be delighted to see you both. I can take you there now. Hopefully, he's still at home."
It's hard to keep my expression neutral. The last thing I want to do is traipse through Amity on a cold night to hopefully find Pete, but I don't have a choice. Violet looks up at me, and she's just as hopeful looking as I would expect. I feel like she knows that I've gone as far as missing him, my stomach tight with worry that he'd been hurt when things went south, and she wants to know he's alright.
So, I agree.
I head out with both of them, listening to Rustin talk about Pete's inability to focus and Violet's frequent laugh, and I find myself smiling, really smiling, when a few minutes later, Pete nearly tackles me from the steps of his father's home.
"Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric, man you look awful!"
Bobby slaps me on the arm rather hard, but he's as pleased as ever.
"Are you loving this weather out here? Gorjjjjussss!"
He exaggerates the last word, and I cringe at both the mispronunciation and the fact that it's the same weather as before, only different now that we aren't trapped inside a mental institution. But where I normally would have lost my shit and told him to fuck off, I smile back. I manage a speck of patience for him, happy and cheery and clearly thriving in a community that accepts him for who he is, and I patiently catch up while Pete's mother serves us dinner.
"How are you, Pete?" I ask, watching Pete grin as he sits across from me. He'd been beyond excited to see me, he'd nearly knocked me over. His grip had stayed on my arm, and he had taken us on a hasty tour of where he now lived. There was no awkwardness or memory that I'd once strangled him over a few words, only a proud blur of his parents' home, the empty home next door to them, and the expanse of land he claimed was his backyard.
And a cow.
A cow that he was personally responsible for overseeing, since the large animal was all his father trusted him with.
"I'm good, man. Totally cured," Pete smiles in wicked triumph, and he flips off the general direction of the hospital. "Fuckers tried everything they could to fix me, turns out, all I needed was to come home."
His mother smiles from behind him, and she sets down an array of plates. Next to me, Violet has neatly arranged herself with her feet up on the bench, and she is quietly and frantically talking with Aidy as they catch up. I overhear the words fine, okay, Dauntless, cold, and finally Eric, all spoken in hushed tones.
Aidy finds my stare over Violet's head. She winks, tossing me a slow, knowing grin, and then immediately returns her attention to Violet.
She's good.
Pete, despite his need to be mellowed out with only peace serum and someone keeping an eye on him, is also good. Just like Violet. Just like all of them.
"How'd you get out?" I ask, doing my best to be polite while I'm here. I didn't give two actual shits about Amity and respect, but so far, not a single person acted like I was here to hurt them or was the scum of the Earth for doing my job. "You all came here?"
"I brought them," Pete answers proudly. "Fucking walked out of there, told them all to fuck off, and make the trek to Amity. Took us forever, because we had a few setbacks, ahem, BOBBY. But we made it. Showed up and told my dad we were staying."
"All of you?" I raise an eyebrow at him, and he winks.
"All of us. I couldn't leave Bobby and Aidy behind. Things were uh…let's just say they weren't good after you left. I know you rescued Violet, because she's here with you, but they pretty much tried to kill us. I took it upon myself to stage a coup, and we left. Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy except not all that easy or lemony or squeezy. More like, murdery murder you're all gonna die."
He shrugs dismissively, like the threat of death wasn't enough to keep him anywhere. His mother hovers for a moment, pure Amity politeness as she makes sure everyone has enough food, then she vanishes back into the kitchen.
Pete leans across the table, bending his head down so only I can hear him.
"Hey, is Violet…is she okay? Because they royally fucked with her after you left. Like, fucking tried their best to break her."
His words make my jaw clench, and I work it free.
"She really tried to keep them away from her but I think it was too much."
"She's…." I pause to glance over at her, still talking with Aidy, but close enough that I could touch her. "She's been better. I don't know how long it'll take to get over that shit. She wasn't awake when I found her. I wasn't actually sure she'd wake up."
Pete nods.
"It was fucked up," he continues, and he smiles up at his mother. "They wanted to hurt her because they thought she got you out. She was a wreck. Even that fucking art teacher was in on it."
I nod back, swallowing down the vile burn of nausea that was rising up.
I had my theories on what they'd done to her while I was gone, but hearing my worst fears vocalized only reaffirms that she deserved somewhere better than with me. I had left her behind, not by choice and not by my decision, but I'd still done it. Even after everything we'd been through, the black and white of it was I'd left her there, knowing they'd eek out their revenge on her.
"She looks happy with you man. I haven't seen her smile in a long time. It's like she's been given a second chance at life."
Peter speaks quickly, whispering the words over plates of noodles and chicken, and his eyes aren't as crazed as they once were.
Ironic that out of all of us, it's so easy for him to call it like he sees it.
"Yeah, yeah she has."
I glance back at Violet, her hair dark and shiny and her feet still pulled beneath her, and the rotten feeling rises up again.
She is happy, but it has little to do with me.
"So you accept? You'll take on the position?"
Across from me, Rustin mulls over my words. He chews on the end of a piece of grass for a moment, and it's obvious he's in no real hurry to make this decision. Not now, maybe not ever. It's the Amity in him, wanting to analyze until he was certain it was right.
"Rustin?" My blood pressure rises slowly, until I swear my eyes hurt. "It would be incredibly beneficial for you. You don't have to appoint yourself as some total ruler, but just guide the faction. Do what you've been doing. They need someone to look out for them so things don't get out of control."
"You really think we need one leader? What about…" he pauses, and my teeth hurt. "What about voting as a community? It's our preferred way of dealing with things."
"You can still vote, but you need an appointed representative to lead the meetings. You need someone to show up at the meetings and to handle the day to day operations. Amity should be working with Dauntless to ensure each faction receives their deliveries, to make sure there are no issues with the factionless…to…" I pause, ignoring the thought that I should have had Four talk to him. Four loved bullshitting people, and he would have found it easy to make Rustin want to be the leader of Amity.
In all my life, I never wondered what Four would do in any situation, but now, I decide I'll just do the opposite.
I'll make him take the job by any means necessary.
"Look, don't do it because you want to. Do it because you have to. Because you need to keep Pete safe. You can make sure he stays here. Him and his friends. If someone else steps up, they may take notice to your new additions. They might find Pete to be too much for here, or…Bobby. Aidy. You run the risk of people asking too many questions and that's never good."
I only hope he knows I'm speaking from experience. I'd found that the more people pried into things, the trickier they became. It was like Four covering for Jeanine. He got away with it for a long time, but once Erudite realized something was up, he couldn't keep the charade going. Even if they hadn't discovered their leader was dead, someone would have eventually put the pieces together.
He was only lucky they didn't try to figure out who had been playing her ghost for all this time.
"You think someone would question why they're here?" Rustin asks, his tone sharp when it hadn't been before.
"I think so. I think…if they find him to be too much for their liking, they may press to find out why he's back with his friends and what really went down." I bite down the unspoken part of my sentence, and it's that it would be easy for someone to realize Bobby and Aidy weren't exactly sane.
After several heavy minutes, Rustin nods.
"Alright, Eric, you've got yourself a deal. I'll take the job, but I have to admit, I'm mostly accepting to keep an eye on Pete. I promised I wouldn't let anything happen to him ever again, and if this helps me keep my word, then so be it."
Rustin steps forward and extends his hand. I stare for a moment, unsure that he really wants to shake my hand, but he does. His palm is cold and rough, and I let go as quickly as possible.
"Congrats," I step back, and I glance over the railing as though I could see Violet down below. She'd walked me here to see the horses again, but she'd chosen to stay downstairs. "I'll have an official announcement made. I'll uh, see if I can get someone out here to catch you up to speed on what's expected of you between factions."
"Sure," Rustin agrees easily, and I should be relieved he took the job. I didn't think he wouldn't, but there was a chance he'd prefer someone else as their official representative. "You know, I was just thinking, do you and Violet have to leave tonight? Would you want to stay for a few days? I could go over things with you instead?"
I find myself surprised, because out of every leader I'd ever met, no one willingly wanted me helping them with anything.
Unfortunately, my skin feels two sizes too small to stay here, and I don't know how long I can pretend otherwise.
"We're heading back to Dauntless tonight, but I'm sure she'd love to come stay," I shrug indifferently, but I keep my stare on Rustin so I don't come off as rude. "She likes it here. I can tell."
Rustin smiles, his face reminding me of Pete as it lights up, and he nods his approval.
"You're both welcome here anytime. Don't forget that. I think it could be good for everyone."
I nod again, glancing back toward the downstairs.
I can hear the horses neighing as Violet talks to them, and I have a feeling taking her back to Dauntless will be harder than I'm thinking.
"I didn't forget how warm you are."
Violet mumbles the words against my neck, and her lips stay there. She, herself, is warm, something my brain registers immediately as a little too desirable, because her skin is barer than it has been.
I had been wrong.
Getting her back to Dauntless had been easy. I'd simply taken her, like I'd taken so many things, and she came along willingly. She slid her fingers in between mine and held on tightly. We walked together, less than carefully, and quickly. I made sure she didn't stumble over anything, and I kept her close by my side. Her dress was as dark as my jacket, and the buzzing phone in my pocket dimly reminded me that Four and Tris had probably given it to her.
I knew it was him.
I also knew I should have answered his call.
My phone rang repeatedly, until I took the jacket off and threw it aside. Violet smiled up at me, and a few seconds later, she was beneath me, shrugging off the dress and pulling me down on top of her.
"I don't like Abnegation. I like Natalie, but I hated everything else. It was like the joy had been sucked out of it." She confesses this into my skin, and I grin in lazy triumph.
Good.
One more point for me, one less point for anything related to Four.
"Stay here, Violet. Stay with me."
I blurt this out when she pushes the worn fabric of my shirt up and over my head. There's a momentary struggle as I work it off, and I lean back to look at her. I'd seen her in varying states of undress before, and she was never afraid to meet my stare.
I knew why.
It wasn't that she was unafraid of being close to me, or that I'd seen her without her shirt on, it was that she was comfortable with others dissecting her. Living in an insane asylum had done that to her. It had erased every ounce of privacy or comfort she could have afforded herself, and in turn, worn down the last few remaining barriers she had. Taking off her shirt for a nurse was nothing. Stripping down while someone stood there to watch you shower was routine. Having a nurse, Kenan or a faceless female assigned to make sure you didn't harm yourself with a toothbrush was commonplace.
I was determined to fix this.
To me, privacy was everything. If I had nothing to my name, at least I had the rights to my own body. It was something she'd never had, but I could try and give that to her.
Maybe then she'd stay.
"Please."
I blurt this out before my mind can catch it. I want her to stay, badly. I want her against me, beneath me, so utterly entangled with me that nothing else matters. I want to feel her heart beating against mine, racing beneath my palm as she groans my name. I want to hear her gasp as my fingers seek out the warmest and softest parts of her, and I want to feel her body shake, not out of fear, but out of pure and unadulterated euphoria.
I want it all, badly enough that I've deluded myself into thinking it will become.
It almost does.
"I just want you. Only you."
Her fingers reach for the waistband of my pants, and they fumble with the button at the top. I feel her fingers touch the skin of my abdomen, grazing without intent, and the feeling sends a wave of heat through my veins. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Not alive because of another person's touch, and certainly not relishing in the feeling of someone wanting to be this close to me.
"Can you take them off?" Violet's voice is dangerously soft and her eyes are dangerously wide. She watches as I undress quickly, shoving the pants down and off with ease. Left only in my boxers and nothing else, I lunge for her. I knock her back further into the mattress, hovering over her as the past few months hang over us.
"I wondered what it would feel like…what you would feel like…"
Her words are lost when my mouth finds her neck, the action careless and ruthless and sloppy. Her skin is salty and pliant, and she leans her head back submissively. She's not giving in, though. Not like one would think. One of her hands finds my back, slipping over the muscle and down to my arms, and the other finds my hair. She grasps onto the longer strands, and her legs tangle with mine.
"Eric…"
I had forgotten all of this.
How blood pumping good it felt. Better than the longest, fastest run of my life. Better than the high of watching a man's life drain away from him. Better than the sweetest of all desserts that I rarely partook in, and better than the lure of power and authority and total control.
"Violet..."
Her name is all I can mumble when my fingers touch her side. She's still smaller than I think. She'd long made herself small to avoid the wrath of the guards, the wrath of the doctors, not wanting to bother anyone with her very existence.
I will fix all of this.
I will show her how much she means to me, how desperate I am to help her.
Just not tonight.
The knocking on my door is loud, loud enough that my furthest neighbors will poke their heads out to see who's losing their shit in my hallway. I reluctantly pull myself away from Violet, wincing in agony at how it hurts to stop.
"Eric, no…" her protest isn't lost on me, and I swear every word imaginable and then some.
"I'll be…just wait here." I bark at her as I leap up from the bed, and I throw my shirt back on. I don't bother with the pants, but there's no need. My gut knows something is wrong, and everything in me slows down, because I know who's outside.
"What?" I roar the word at my guest as I fling the door open, so wound up that one wrong look from them is enough to make me tear their head off. All I can think of is Violet, soft and sweet, smelling like flowers and happiness and seconds away from taking my boxers off. "What the fuck do you want?"
"Four just shot someone. I need you downstairs with me. Ten minutes, max. He's panicking. Guy came right through the security gates and didn't stop until he found someone in a uniform. I think it's a mistake, and now we gotta cover his ass."
Reggie speaks quickly, looking only at me.
"You okay, Eric? You look…weird."
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Of course he shot someone and of course it would send him in a depressed downward spiral.
And even more of course, it's probably someone who shouldn't have been shot.
"Fine. Let me get my uniform." I slam the door shut without warning, and I turn back to walk down the hallway. I press my palms to my eyes until the darkness is all consuming, and I violently curse Four's name.
"You motherfucking asshole! I'll kill you for this! I told you I would, and I will."
I curse him the entire walk to my bedroom, the entire time I get dressed, up until I kiss Violet goodbye. I promise her I'll return as soon as I can, and she nods. Undressed, in my bed, sinking back against my pillows.
I curse Four's name fifteen minutes later, as he stares at me, while standing in front of a body, crumpled and dying in the entryway of Dauntless.