WAUW I AM SO SORRY FOR BEING GONE FOR SO LONG. I had a film festival and a close friend of the family is very ill and everything is busy and stuff and UGH I am sorry. But I am here now. So let's get this chapter started before something else happens and I won't be able to update for another 20 years.

DISCLAIMER: yup, I checked. Definitely do not own Death Note or any of its original characters or plotlines. But my OC's are mine, so yay, I guess. Also, I am a typo manic, so I would not recommend my stories if you are against those.

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6. Blame

There is this thing Matsuda used to say whenever we saw death bodies, way back when I first joined the Japanese police force. He'd say: 'Let's suspend this moment for you, because, once you see this, you can never go back.'

I had seen pictures before, so I wasn't sure what it mattered. I had seen things when I was younger, too. Criminals weren't too afraid to get their hands dirty. But the first corpse I ever really saw, with my own two eyes, for real, was a young woman whose throat was cut from ear to ear. And although I had seen so much, so many things, that would always stay with me.

When Kenichi Mikuriya fell down in a pool of blood, his own throat stabbed, not cut, I could only see her, lying on the ground, staring at me. Almost as if she was blaming me for not stopping it. For being alive still.

If we had been faster, we could have prevented this, was what I thought. But deep down, I knew I was the only one who should've worked faster. No one else was to blame.

'Don't do that.'

I had been standing completely frozen on the balustrade as other cops examined the corpse. Chief Yagami was standing next to me now, his expression stern.

'Don't do… what?' I asked, tilted my head to the side slightly as I looked at him.

'I have been a policeman long enough to recognise that face,' he said, looking down at the corpse before looking back at me. 'Don't blame yourself, Upson. It's good right and it's not good for your mental condition.'

I hid a sad smile. Spoken like a man who knew what he was talking about. Someone who still blamed himself every single day.

'Are you alright, chief?' I asked, seemingly out of nowhere. 'Is there anything else I could do to help?'

'Well,' he said, a bit more casually, 'I would appreciate it if you'd stop arguing with your co-workers.'

'But detective Arai-' I began, but Chief Yagami stopped me before I could continue.

'I was actually talking about Mishima,' he said, looking down on me with that fatherly look of his. 'He has done nothing wrong necessarily, right?'

Well, yeah, he kind of had a point. I sighed. 'Remember how much Matsuda used to annoy Ryuzaki during the first Kira case?' I asked.

Chief Yagami seemed confused by this question, but played along and asked: 'Yes. What about it?'

I sighed again and looked down on the corpse, scanning and finding Mishima in a corner, making stupid notes in his stupid notebook. 'I have a feeling that Mishima might be my Matsuda.'

Chief Yagami decided not to respond to that.

XxX

I walked into the main room of the old Task Force building, looking down on the screens and his chair. Not empty this time.

'You're back?' I said as I walked down the stairs, my voice echoing through the big space. 'I hope you have some really, really good explanation for why you were gone yesterday and I hope you are prepared to face a very—'

Ryuzaki turned around in his chair. He had a muffin in his hand and looked at me innocently. 'You're here already?'

'Y-you! Where were you?' I asked, crossing my arms.

'My, my, I see you do not lose the dramatic touch after work.'

I froze before slowly turning around. Masayuki Arai was standing there, leaning against the conference table, an arrogant smile on his face. It took a while before I could even speak a word. 'What is…'

'Good to see that you still have an unusual temper,' someone else said.

From the darkness of the room doomed a figure that was familiar as well as completely unfamiliar. He was taller than when I'd last seen him, his eyes seemed smaller, the markings under his eyes mimicked the once on Ryuzaki's face. And he smiled at me, a smile I had never seen him smile before. Innocent, but deadly. As if he was the only one in the room who knew a dangerous secret.

'Near,' I breathed, the word so soft and hesitant that it did not even sound like a word.

'Miss Upson,' he said simply, twirling one strand of his curly hair around one of his fingers. 'Are you trying to catch fish? Your mouth is hanging open.'

My brain was too confused, too much feelings at once. There was that part of me, the one always there, always asking for attention, that just wanted to scream. At Ryuzaki, at Detective Arai, at Near. At Mishima. But there was another part now, amongst the familiar feelings. I felt… betrayed. Because, they were all here. In their secret little circle.

And I had been completely left out.

Ryuzaki had just left. Only to return with Near and detective Arai, who he suddenly seemed to trust. Was there really any reason for me to keep buying into this bullshit?

I wasn't sure why no one said anything as I went still. So very still. From looking angry, to looking shocked. And now I was standing still, pressing my mouth shut, tears willing up.

I was standing with my back turned to Ryuzaki, but I doubted he would've noticed anyway. Near did not even seem to notice; or mind. The only one who did, was Detective Arai.

And he looked downright shocked.

With one step towards me, he reached, as if he wanted to reach for me, comfort me. As if he had the power to. 'Miss—'

No. Stop the time. Stop the endless feeling of being left out. Stop feeling lonely. And stop crying.

I wasn't crying. But if the only one in the room who was willing to comfort me turned out to be a detective I did not even like, I certainly would. So I did what I felt like I had to. With my mouth still clenched shut, I turned to Ryuzaki, showed him how upset him was, willing him to notice his actions.

His expression was almost an exact replica of Near's.

And then I was running.

XxX

I ran outside. Didn't stop. I kept walking, running, crying. I blamed the cold wind burning my eyes, although I knew that could not be the only reason.

I ran until I felt like I couldn't anymore and sat down on the bench of a bus stop. Only to then realise I had no energy to run back. And no money to take the bus. And I was not going to call Ryuzaki for help. I could call Watari, surely, but calling him would be almost the same thing as calling Ryuzaki. So I did not call. I just sat on the bench and looked around me.

I shouldn't have run. I wanted an explanation. Now that we had found Near, we had a bigger team. They were probably talking right now, planning, thinking. And I wasn't there. This time, I had excluded myself.

But all the other times, it had been Ryuzaki.

I knew I wasn't as smart as him, or as Near, for that matter. But why did I still feel like he treated me like a nuisance sometimes? When had I become his Matsuda?

Taking over Watari's job once he got too old? I doubted Ryuzaki would let me. I doubted Ryuzaki even thought I was worthy. Of the job. Of him.

I used my sweater to wipe away some tears, along with some make-up. I wasn't even sure why I was wearing make-up. Why I was trying. My feelings for Ryuzaki would never change. But if Ryuzaki did not change, I wasn't sure I could live like that.

It was already dark. No Ico or Arma to be found and no black car with a friendly Watari who would offer me wise words of comfort. The problem with Watari was that he still stood behind L, no matter what. So his words of comfort were only that. Words.

So I did grab my phone, but I dialled Chief Yagami, secretly hoping he wouldn't answer, because he needed his sleep. His phone wasn't off, but no one picked up. Although I said I hoped he wouldn't answer, I felt kind of desperate when I hung up without leaving a voice mail.

Next option would have been Sanami, but she was currently filming a movie in Spain, so there went that plan. If only I'd kept a key to the apartment. So I called Matsuda. Only to be met with one of the most hilariously awful voice mails ever: 'Hello! Eh… This is me! Wait. No! It's not me. I am not on the phone right now. How do I reset this? Eh…'

'Idiot,' I said into the phone, my voice too weak for the word I was spitting out. 'Why aren't you picking up?' I was starting to sound desperate now, so I hung up. 'The universe hates me,' I whined then, to no one in particular.

It was then that it started to rain. I hoped I would be try on his bus stop in the middle of nowhere, but the small roof was old and full of holes. I didn't try to shelter from the rain, it was no use. I just let myself become cold and lonely and wet. A mess. A true mess. Who wouldn't help such a mess, no matter how annoying one might find that certain person?

With a sigh so deep I felt it in my bones, I dialed a third number.

XxX

When the black car finally stopped at the side of the road, I was already so drenched that my hair was glued to my face and I could not feel my legs anymore. I had put my hands in the pocket of my sweater, but it was wet and cold now, so my fingers felt like they were about to fall off every second now.

My phone had died. At first I felt worried because this meant that Ryuzaki could not call me. Then I felt numb because Ryuzaki had not called me. And he would not call me. And then I wanted to slap myself for being so dramatic and weak.

Mishima stepped out of his car when I did not stand to approach him and when I looked up, I saw that he wanted to lecture me. But then he looked, really looked, and shut his mouth for a while, the rain slowly soaking him as well.

Then he asked me: 'Can you stand?'

I just looked at him. I knew I probably looked like a trashpanda or something along those lines because of my make-up, but he did not look disgusted or like he wanted to laugh at me.

'Can you stand?' he repeated, harder this time.

I nodded, slowly, and finally moved my numb legs as I tried to stand. I saw Mishima reaching for me with his hands, but then changing his mind about it. I saw he was still wearing the suit he wore at work.

Mishima sighed as he looked at, just standing in front of him. 'Just… get in the car, I think I have a towel in the trunk.'

He did have a towel. And he put it on the sweat next to the driver's seat before guiding me to sit there. Without saying anything, he walked over to his side, sat down and put his seatbelt on. Mine was not on. Not that I did not appreciate safety, but I was unsure about how to move my fingers at this point.

With another sigh, Mishima leaned over me to put my seatbelt on. I saw staring down at him as he did so, but he seemed to completely ignore me. Until he pulled away. Our eyes crossed and I saw something in his that I had never seen, that I had never expected to see.

Pity.

How disgusting.

Mishima started the car and started driving then, not saying anything. Not asking any questions. When he noticed I was trembling, he cranked up the heat of the car, still not speaking. Why was he not speaking? Why did he not ask questions? Why was he being so… nice?

'Thank you,' I said when we had already been driving for a long time.

I saw he was surprised and unsure how to answer. After a while, he said: 'No problem.'

It almost sounded genuine. But not quite. Because, let's face it, for Mishima, it was a problem. He was pretty much the control freak of the Task Force. That was one of the reasons Ryuzaki always said that if any of the Task Force members was Neo Kira, it was probably Mishima. I had joked, said that it could also be Matsuda. Ryuzaki had not really cared much for that joke.

'I will not ask you what happened,' Mishima said then, looking at the road with an intense amount of focus as he spoke, 'because it's none of my business and I do not particularly care. But… you can tell me if you want to. And…' He shrugged then, as if he was about so said something normal. 'If it was something illegal, you should report it.'

I was not quite sure what he was aiming at, but I did not like the guesses I came up with, so I decided to completely ignore his words and just stared out of the window, trying to find a way to make this less awkward as my body started to tingle from being in the cold for so long.

'Can I ask one question, though?' Mishima asked, his voice much more soft now that he wasn't nagging or being an utter ass.

'Hm?' I said, looking at his reflection in the window instead of directly at him.

'Are you alright?' he then asked, surprising me. I thought, surely, it would be about the Death Note. About Kira. About L. But it was a question that a normal person would have asked. A nice person. And that made me think that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't Mishima who was the one acting weird. Perhaps… perhaps it had been me.

'I don't know,' I honestly replied and Mishima thought that was answer enough apparently, because he did not speak again for the remaining of the ride.

XxX

Mishima his apartment was incredibly small.

Like actually really small. He had this small office with a couch and a desk and a bookcase, you could barely walk in that room. His kitchen was also his dining and living room, but not big enough to be either of those three. It was just a sad square table and something pretending to be a kitchen. The bathroom as about the size of the kitchen table and his room was about as big as the office, so it was really small.

Mishima cleared his throat as I looked around his tiny apartment. 'I will get you a towel,' he said, probably because he expected I wanted a shower. He was right, of course, but it did make the whole situation only more awkward.

The funny thing about the tiny apartment was that I immediately knew I would be sleeping on the couch in his office. There were no other options, there was nothing else. So when he handed me a towel and a really oversized shirt that even he wouldn't fit, and he told me: 'I will make up the bed for you, so you can sleep right after getting out of the shower,' I already knew he was talking about the couch.

So I stepped under his incredibly small shower, did not use any of his shampoo or soap, because the scent reminded me too much of him and I was afraid it would annoy me all night, so I just showered to warm up before pulling my fingers through my hair in an attempt to brush it and walked outside with my wet clothes in my hand and the towel around my head.

Mishima was standing by the kitchen counter, looking about as awkward as I felt. When he saw the wet clothes I was holding, he shot into action, desperate to do something. 'I will put these on the heater, then they will be dry tomorrow.'

I handed him my clothes and he walked over, his movements, so stern and precise, yet tired. He seemed to tired.

'Thank you,' I said again, mostly because I did not know what else to say.

Mishima did not seem to know how to respond to that, so he just said: 'I made the bed in my room, clean pillow case and everything. The heater is on, too, so it should not be too cold. You can go to sleep if you want, I'll finish up some things and sleep on the couch in my office.'

I was surprised. This man had barely nothing and he would give me, a person he hated, give what little he had? 'Are… are you sure?' I asked, not used to kindness displayed in such a way. I always had to look so hard to see Ryuzaki's kindness. Not because it was not there, but because he had an odd way of displaying kindness. This almost… common way of kindness had me stunned.

'Of course,' he replied as he stood at the other side of the kitchen table. 'I can't make a young woman sleep on a crappy couch in my office now, could I?'

'Thank you,' I said again, this time it sounded even more genuine.

Mishima noticed too. His eyes widened. 'No problem,' he said again and this time, it sounded more genuine as well.

There followed an awkward silence that I did not know how to bridge. So I simply forced a smile that was probably even more awkward and said: 'I'm exhausted.'

'Yes, you should sleep,' he said, almost formally.

'Yes,' I agreed.

'Sleep tight,' he responded.

'Thanks, same to you,' I replied.

Only I did not move.

This was so awkward.

Perhaps should have just called Watari when I had the chance. Was Ryuzaki worried about me? Was he not worried at all?

'Well then,' I said as I felt my chest clench at the thought of Ryuzaki. I was already turned around and walking towards his open bedroom door when Mishima spoke again.

'If it's not too much trouble… could you perhaps take public transport to work tomorrow morning? I… I do not want to explain… this. People will…'

'People will have the wrong idea,' I said, knowing that I had no money for public transport. 'I promise you will not have to bring me to work by car.'

I could ask him if I could lend his phone in the morning. I could call Watari and he would pick me up. But Watari would probably ask questions.

And Mishima had not.

'Sleep tight, miss Upson,' he said again, bowing.

I bowed back. 'Thank you,' I said once again, 'you too.' And I meant it. Perhaps I had been wrong. Perhaps Mishima was not my Matsuda at all. Maybe, just maybe, he was my Light.

Which meant that he could be very dangerous and very unhealthy for everything I used to think and believe before.

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Was this short? I felt like this was short. It was not meant to be, I promise!

I had a lot of ideas regarding Mishima, but because one movie with a big plot and a lot of characters is not really enough time to flesh a character out as well as in a long-running manga or anime series, so the character of Mishima kind of falls flat once I put him in new situations. I did my best, though.

I hope you guys liked this chapter, even though not a lot happened regarding the Neo Kira-case. Arma and Ico will be back soon, though, so that will be fun. I really wish to write more Misa, too, but I do not want to overdo her if the plot does not require her. As one of my professor always says: 'If a scene does not end with the characters changed from when they entered the scene, the scene needs to be cut or changed.' That's kind of the deal right now, but with Misa. I hope I make sense. Do I make sense?

Anyway, thank you for reading, sorry for not uploading and don't freak out if I don't update for longer periods than normally. Things happen. Like death and did I say that I friend of mine gave birth to a son, but he was born way too early, so it's really scary. So yeah. Life is always tricky and scary and unpredictable. But I hope you guys will hang in there with me. Bye for now!

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Review reply

hyperInsomniac: Wow. It's weird, I have been writing for a while, but I still am speechless when I read things like this. Thank you so much! To hear that people like what I do is what keeps me going every day, every week, every month. So thank you so much! And I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

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