A/N:
Wow! (Hiding myself behind random things as I submit this chapter!)
I know this chapter is coming in almost a year after the last update, but honestly a Lot of life was happening, and not much of it was necessarily good. I'm planning to apply abroad for my PhD, so seriously, this chapter is just me procrastinating with my application related work.
Of course its just my luck that when I really need to work on something, I get over my writer's block and spit out an 11 page chapter!
Let's all pray that the next chapter doesn't take a year again!
PS - did anyone see the premiere of season 14? Don't you just love GarciaxReid friendship moments!?
Read and Review guys! (It's really motivating when you get that email notifying you of a review, makes one feel like what they've worked on has been appreciated. Also, you can PM me? I love discussing ideas and stuff!) You can do both. I'm not picky! :P If I sound loony, its because I've been up for a long time!
Six hours.
Five hours, forty nine minutes and fifty four seconds to be precise.
It has been a complete agony for Spencer Reid to sit in that waiting room, eyes set on the corridor for the surgeon or the doctors or anyone really, to show up and give them some news.
He looked as agitated as he felt, shown in the way his shirt was half untucked and crumpled, the topmost and bottom button unbuttoned, and his hair a disheveled mess, a clear hint that he'd been running his hand through them repeatedly.
Morgan hadn't been able to spend much time with him and Hermione, despite the healthy length of questions Spencer knew were circling in his mind. He'd had an early flight and a wife and his son waiting for him at home, leaving him with just enough time to swing by with breakfast and check up on his friend and Mrs. Reid.
Of course, a time restraint could never get in the way of him teasing Spencer, but he could only learn a little about the two old friends' history, and not very much about why she was never seen or even mentioned by the good doctor.
It hadn't been more than thirty minutes later that Spencer got another call from Garcia, sounding terrified and shaken, as she informed him of the accident his team had been in, and the knowledge that Penelope had been with them on the phone when it happened made something ache within his chest.
Penelope Garcia has been and always will be the sweetest person he has ever known, someone who would do everything to help someone, and go above and beyond for her loved ones. It wasn't fair that someone so pure should experience so much darkness in her life.
Months of the hopelessness experienced in the prison caused him to freeze when he heard Garcia's words. It was Hermione who made him sit down and calmed him. It took her a few minutes to get Spencer out of the shocked state and to tell her what had happened. In bits and pieces, small fragmented sentences, he explained to her about how his team was following a lead on Mr Scratch, who set a trap that caused the two SUVs to collide with an oncoming truck. It was an angry and broken voice which told her that SSA Stephen Walker had died on impact due to whiplash and that Agent Prentiss had been abducted by Scratch. Others bore cuts and bruises, but everyone was putting their everything into hunting down Lewis and finding Emily as soon as possible, burying the pain of losing Walker, holding on to the anger instead, letting it push them forward into finally ending this.
It had been a hit to Hermione as well, finding out about the state of his team. She'd come to learn much about them from Spencer, the bond that each of them shared with each other, as close and real a family as any, even if an unconventional one.
She'd apparated with Spencer to the nearest empty alley near the hospital whose name Garcia had given him, enquiring about them at the reception, leading him by hand through the corridors to the waiting area. She'd left in a little while, wanting to give him time and his space to be with his team.
It has been hours since then, and Spencer Reid's mind was a dichotomy of being frozen and whirring at super speed. Waiting on news of his his teammates and any new development regarding Emily was a form of agony he decided he could live without.
—
He was dead.
Peter lewis was dead.
He shouldn't be feeling like this. The loss of human life shouldn't make him feel glad. Never in his life has he ever felt positive emotions at the end of a life - any life. Twelve years at this job, and every time anyone died - even the darkest of unsubs, he had felt the sadness for the loss of a life.
And then today marked the first.
Is this who he was now? Was this how prison had changed him? That he felt happy that someone is dead? Was what Kat had said true? Was she right, after all?
Or was this job finally affecting him? Was he jaded now, as Gideon had become? Was now the time for him to step back and step down?
He remembers his anger in the briefing room - he remembers the shock in Matt Simmons' eyes and the surprise and fear in Garcia's.
He knew he had scared her but hadn't been able to help himself in that moment. There was so much frustration and helplessness in that room - much of it he imagines to be his. These were emotions he has experience before - with the job he has, the things they see and the darkness they chase - he has felt them many times in his life.
But this time was different wasn't it? There was a violence in him that was new - even at the height of his addiction, he has never been a man with violent instincts - he had never lost control over himself in that way. But at that moment, in that room he did.
And even before that, he realises with horror, his actions in that interrogation room with Kat - was that him? How could he do that? How could he justify raising his hands on a woman - irrespective of what she had said or done? His boundaries have always been crystal, certain lines drawn that couldn't be crossed - which he had blatantly ignored. There were things he has never believed in, beliefs he had been sure wouldn't ever change. But had they? Was he feeling any remorse for his behaviour? He had to, right?
Kat couldn't be right, could she? Because if she was correct, and he is this twisted person now - then it'll turn out she won after all! It wouldn't matter if he was exonerated and free from that prison, or that Kat Adams doesn't know how he felt about Scratch's death. He will know - and will he be able to live with himself? Can he look himself in the mirror and not see the monster she said he was? Can he stand tall and hold his head high, ever again?
Could 3 months in a prison have changed who he was as a person? Were the very fundamental aspects of his personality formed in the 35 years of his life so easily distorted be a few months making the tough choices?
Personality is dynamic, he remembers from his psychology class. It is constantly changing and updating and evolving. But isn't it also stable? The very core of who you are as a person? Evolving, and switching to the opposite extreme aren't the same thing are they? That is not supposed to happen. Not without a severe traumatic experience or experiences. But you did go through trauma, months of it. If anyone should be flipping his personality, it should be you!
He was pacing now. Walking across the length of his apartment in a jerky and harried manner as his thoughts ran off faster than he could handle.
Too much - it was too much and too fast and too heavy. He felt like he couldn't breathe, and a part of him felt like he shouldn't, not after what he was changing into. Monsters shouldn't roam the earth freely with the innocents, monsters aren't supposed to win.
And that's what you are - a monster. A voice in his head whispered. He wanted to deny it, but how could he, when he had done what he had?
And this was how Hermione found him - pacing in his living room, his hand running through his hair, almost pulling at it.
There was anguish in his eyes that scared her. Scared her of what the aftermath of this whole fiasco has brought, because even in prison and during their time in his apartment previously, before they got the news of the accident, this anguish wasn't present. This distraught man was bringing her to her knees and she didn't even know what was wrong.
"Spencer" she called out to him. He jerked around in surprise, stopping in his place.
He was the deer in the headlights, frightened and ready to bolt. She took one small step towards him, a hand reaching out. The reaction was instantaneous. He moved backwards, away from her, and there was a sharp intake of breath on both sides of the room. Confusion in one pair of eyes, self-loathing in the other.
"What's wrong?" On not getting any response from him, she inquired further, "is Agent Prentiss okay? I mean as okay as she can be, given the circumstances! Was anyone hurt - well more hurt? And Scratch, did you get him? You did get him didn't you? 'cause I don't think any of you would've gone home if you hadn't. Seriously now Spence, what happened? Are you more hurt? Fuck! You're scaring me now - WHAT happened?" Her voice broke on that last word, and it seemed bring him out of his thoughts and back to the moment. He took a deep breath, and opened his mouth to answer her but nothing came out. He looked so agitated and upset by himself, she could feel it all the way across the hall.
Time for a judgement call, she thought. Nodding to herself, Hermione moved forward towards Spencer, this time not stopping even when he seemed to resist contact.
Stopping right in front of him, so close she could feel his breath on her face, she looked up at him. He was breathing quickly now, almost at the end of his self-control, reaching the breaking point of his emotions.
"What's wrong?" She tried again, speaking softly to him, letting him know that she's there, that she'll always be there.
That was all it took.
She was pulled into his arms, being help by him so strongly that for the next few moments the only people in existence were them, and no one else.
In the millisecond that her surprise faded, she hugged him back. He wasn't crying, no. But he was shaking so strongly that she could feel how hard he was trying not to break down into pieces right at that moment.
Her alarm was rapidly turning into concern, and it took all her self-control not to force him to speak right at that second, knowing he needed these moments.
Gradually, his tremors slowed down enough that he regained control of himself and seated them down on his sofa.
"Well this feels like a repeat of our reunion right after I came out of the prison, doesn't it?" His feeble attempt at humour fell flat against the worry reflected in Hermione's eyes, as did his smile.
A small, tired sigh escaped his lips, as he bent his head backwards. Still staring at his ceiling he said, "It's over now. It's - we caught him. Peter Lewis is dead. And, umm..Emily is fine. Physically. A little banged up, definitely, but fine. Emotionally, I think we're all messed up right now. And I guess we'll be that way for some time. He - Scratch made Emily believe her legs were gone, and he tried to manipulate her into giving up the location of Hotch and his son, but she - she's strong. She didn't give in, and we caught him. No one else was hurt. And I'm fine. I wasn't hurt so I'm okay. Its done now."
While Hermione internally sighed with relief on hearing this, it didn't really give her the peace of mind that she needed. There were still questions that needed to be answered. And things Spencer needed to get off his chest before he could begin healing.
"But are YOU okay? And I don't mean physically. I can see you weren't injured. I'm talking emotionally. I know you said you're all messed up a little right now. But I think something bigger is troubling you. I can see it. I just don't know what it is. Do you want to talk about it?"
"I'm fine. Just upset about these last few days and Agent Walker's death. Thats all."
Bullshit. "Spencer, you backed away from me when I first came in. You were literally trembling in my arms right now - and I can see the anguish and hatred in your eyes - and its aimed at yourself. So clearly, something else is going on here."
He opened his mouth to argue, "Its not -" but she interrupted him.
"Look, you can say you don't want to talk about it. I'll accept that. But don't lie and say its nothing. I know how you don't like leaning on others, but you're smart enough and experienced enough to know that keeping everything in leads to an explosion. So just know this. I'm here. I'll listen. I've been through trauma too. I've been through a war. I can make pretty accurate guesses as to how you're feeling and what you're thinking about yourself right now. I can also tell you that only you can change what you think of yourself. No one else can do that for you. I wish I could, but I can't. I will be here with you now, though, every step of the way."
Somehow her words had the opposite effect from the expected, and it seemed to confirm what Hermione had feared. Spencer was frightened of who he thought he was becoming - and this thought process had to be stopped before it could go further, and he took a drastic measure. She started to speak up again when they were both alerted to someone knocking on his door. Turning towards the door, they both stood up at once, not sure who could it be.
As he walked to the door, Spencer gestured to Hermione to stay back. Of course, never being one to turn from danger, she continued forward, but stayed behind him just to appease him this once.
Cautiously, he looked through the peephole, and before Hermione could ask him who it was, he had already opened the door wide open and was stepping back to let the visitor in.
"Wha— Mom? Dad? WHAT are you guys doing here?" Cried out Hermione in surprise. For a second she was rooted in her place behind Spencer, and then she went ahead and pulled her parents into a hug. After releasing her, her mom moved towards Spencer and he found himself surrounded by such warmth and affection that he felt a lump in his throat.
"Oh my boy! Look at you - what have you been doing to yourself? And jail, Spencer? Prison? You couldn't make one phone call? Do you know how worried we've been? Well I have lost many nights of sleep since Hermione here told me what has happened, and maybe I'll finally sleep through the night now that I've seen you out of that horrible place!"
As Isla Granger stopped, the other three opened their mouths to speak simultaneously. Hugh Granger simply wished to remind his wife to at least enter Spencer's home properly before she begins her scolding. Hermione, unknowingly following her fathers thinking, wanted to ask her mother to not harangue Spence. And finally, Spencer himself tried to apologise to both of Hermione's parents for keeping them in the dark and worrying them.
Of course, none of them got the chance to do either, as Isla continued before they could get a word out.
"Are your team members okay, love? I know your probably hearing this question the millionth time, but you do consider them family so its important. And more pressingly, is Diana okay? She wasn't hurt was she? Oh she must be so worried and anxious, going through what she did! Where is she now? Is she resting? She must be."
"Yeah Isla, she is. Mom, she - ugh, she took her medicines and she's sleeping. She's gonna be so miffed that she missed seeing you now!" Spencer managed to sneak in a response before she could go on.
"Well, dearie, that's not a problem, is it! We're going to be here for a while now. There'll be more than enough time to spend together. I do have to confess, I have missed Diana greatly! Seeing her once in a while just doesn't seem to be enough, is it, hon?" Said Isla, looking at Hugh.
"Well of course! We keep worrying about the pair of you all the time! We just have to make sure now we'll have to visit more often, don't we"
"Yeah that's great dad! Wait what do you mean you'll be here for a while now? How long are you guys planning to stay? And more importantly - Why would you come here when I specifically told you that its dangerous? You have to careful guys! I mean seriously!" Spoke Hermione, as both she and Spencer led her parents to the drawing room.
There was worry and exasperation laced in her voice, clear for everyone in the room to hear. Sensing this, Hermione's mom spoke up.
"Well, last time we talked you said that Spencer was free and you were going to see him, so we booked the jet to fly us to DC. We weren't going stay all the way in London at a time like this. You're both being ridiculous now, love!"
"No no, don't argue with me right now," she continued as saw them both ready to rebut.
All this while, Hugh Granger observed that something was really troubling Spencer, and suggested to Hermione that they brew them all a pot of tea and figure out something to eat as well. Taking the hint, Hermione agreed and the pair of them moved away, giving Isla the opportunity to speak with Spencer alone.
Once they were alone, Mrs Granger turned to Spencer, and said, "And how are you dealing with all this, love? I imagine it feels a bit too much, does it?"
Just like he did with Hermione, he again tried to deny that he was anything but fine. And just like before, it didn't really work. Isla pointed out to him that she can see how much he is distressed, saying, "Even Hugh noticed it, Spencer. And he is not that observant, that man. No matter how much he believes he is. Look, you can lie to me that you're fine and I'll take the hint and we'll not address this. But that won't change the fact that you ARE upset, about something big, and you need to deal with that. You can't lie to yourself. So the choice here, is really whether you want to deal with this alone, or with the full support of those who care about you. You're a smart man, you've worked with the victims of heinous crimes for a long time. You KNOW what you would recommend to someone else who had gone through what you have."
As tired as he was feeling in that moment, Spencer smiled at her and said, "You know, your daughter was saying something quite close to this to me, just before you guys came in!"
"Well she's learned from the best. She listened to what I told her when she first came to get us from Australia, once their war was over. She was the same as you, always saying she is fine, she has no problems, she isn't traumatised. And no matter how much I urged her to get help, or to simply share her troubles with us, she wouldn't. And it affected her. It affected her ability to work, her physical and mental health, her relationships. And I jus- I just can't see you going through that again. I already saw my daughter suffer so much alone, and I saw how you suffered after your kidnapping some ten years ago, and I- I'm being selfish. I just can't see either of my children hurting alone anymore!"
The pain of Isla Granger somehow convinced Spencer Reid to share with her, all the doubts and self-loathing and horror that the has been experiencing, ever since he was released from prison. He told her how he is terrified of becoming this angry, violent person that he doesn't recognise, and how scared he is that he may have permanently lost that part of him, the best parts, that kept him going in his job. Everything came pouring out, from his grief over the death of Agent Walker, to the torture he went through when he thought Kat was pregnant with his baby, how much it hurt him when Prentiss said she needed someone she knows is real, never wanting any of his friends to have to go through something like that.
Most importantly, he told her of how he felt when Scratch died - how that moment of happiness and relief, albeit a brief one, scares him that he's turning into this twisted person, this monster that Kat said he was.
"I'm scared that the things that I've done mean that I can't go back. And I feel like although I had said to Katherine Adams that it is possible for me to get back to my normal life, I may not be able to."
"Oh Spencer! Of course there'll be changes in you. After what you've through? I'd be worries if you weren't different. Regarding what you say you've "done" in the prison and that interrogation room, now I'm gonna tell you something that I'm sure you've heard from your team members and my daughter before. You made a difficult choice in the prison, one you should've never had to make. And it wasn't really much of choice, if the options are A) do this B) die! You had to survive in that place - there were a LOT of people waiting for you to come out safe. You lost control of your temper and got aggressive in that room with that horrible woman. But after everything that she put you through, that she made your team and your mum and everyone that you care about and that care about you go through, aren't you supposed to get angry? The level of violation that your experienced in the last few months would make any person angry. How you've reacted shows not that you're a monster, Spencer. It shows that you're human. One who has been through an incredible trauma, one who is hurt. And so it is not "twisted" as you said that you've become. And you know HOW I know you're not a monster? Because you're sitting here, feeling so bad and horrified, losing your mind over your actions, even when aimed at someone who has done so much wrong and inflicted so much terror in your life. And because I know YOU."
His eyes reflected how much he wanted to believe that. Mrs Granger could almost see him processing what she just said to him, going over every word. She finally asked another question that had been pressing on the mind for some time now.
"So do you have to go back to your job immediately now? Or will the bureau be giving your all some time off?"
Spencer told her of the team having been given a respite, adding, "I'm not reinstated yet. I- I'm on probation for now, and they'll decide on whether to reinstate me based on my evaluation after six weeks or so."
"Will you be provided any counselling by the bureau? It only makes sense, doesn't it?"
"Well, yeah, but I don't know if I—"
"Oh no honey, you take all the help you are provided, you hear me. Look, you already know you need to see someone to help you through this process. Just - if they are giving you the help, take it. And if you think you won't be too comfortable with whoever they assign you to, maybe you can seek someone outside the bureau? At least you wont have to worry about whether anything you say will is being reported to your boss, even in summarisations!"
"I, I guess that makes sense. I jus- I know rationally that I should do this. And I know if this were anyone else, and I was an agent on that case, I'd be suggesting therapy from the get go, but somehow I feel like I'm so overwhelmed that I can't think clearly or even breathe!"
"Oh, love!" Isla pulled Spencer into her arms, wanting to just keep him safe, knowing she couldn't. All she could do was be there for him, and she hated that this limit was there!
"You know that's why its all the more important for you to take these six weeks to really start dealing with what you've been through, and decide where YOU want to go from here, not what you think is expected from you."
She felt Spencer nod against her shoulder.
Hearing the end of their conversation, Hermione and her father entered the drawing room, with their almost tepid tea and some cookies, joining in the conversation.
"I want you to keep reminding yourself of something now Spencer," said Hugh Granger, "You're not alone in this. Not in this aftermath, and not in caring for Diana. We're all here, for you and for her. We're family, son. You just remember this now."
A/N:
I know this chapter may seem mostly Reid-centric, and not really their (Spencer and Hermione) relationship, but from the moment I had seen the Season 13 premiere, I knew I wanted to look at Reid's emotional response to EVERYTHING he has gone through this past season.
I also wanted to address the issue of mental health through this. We all joke about (or seriously worry about) how much shit the writers put Spencer through. I've always thought he must receive some form of therapy to deal with all this trauma, and even if just in the form of a story that I wrote, I feel better imagining he's getting the help he deserves. Getting psychotherapy doesn't mean that one becomes incapable of doing their job or living their life, but simply that they do so WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY receiving the support and guidance on how to deal with issues that are a serious hurdle towards that goal.
On a more funny note, for some reason as I was writing the dialogues said by Mrs Granger, I kept imagining accents decidedly not from London (for instance, there was Southern American, Scottish, Irish) which seriously F-ed up with my dialogue writing. If any of you feel they seem very un-british, I hope you now understand why!
That's it for now guys! More [hopefully] soon.