"Always About the Control, Or Not"
She stared him in the eyes intensely, as if she were trying to read what was running through his mind. His cheeks began to warm unconsciously at the unwanted attention on himself.
His decision to come here on a whim was already irrational and spontaneous, so her staring like that did nothing to ease his nerves. These were acts that never described him, but somehow, she always sparked something new in him, each time they had encounters.
He had his work attire on, which was not something that they left the hospital in. What scared him the most was the fact that the thought had not even crossed his mind to change out of his work attire because of the sudden urge to see the woman.
The moment his body became aroused back at the hospital, he knew that he had to come see her or he would have given in to his urges again and again and again. And he could not do that anymore. There was no way that he would sit back and allow that to control him again. He thought he had it all figured out, but he was wrong. Though hard to admit, he knew all along that he was wrong about this.
"W—"
"Don't...talk, please," he demanded when he heard her attempting to.
There was no way that he could listen to that voice and not have regrets about the decision to come here. It was already too late though. She had done the deed. She opened that damn, beautiful mouth of hers, forcing his eyes to take in her appearance, and strike the inappropriate thoughts to accumulate in his head, welcoming his body to react to the lude thoughts.
Great.
"It's all about the control that I feel during sex and I love that. It makes me feel…"
His fists clenched, realizing he could not explain what it made him feel. What did it make him feel?
"Safe?" she asked after he never figured it out.
He hardened in the scrubs, at her voice. "Safe?" he questioned.
"Yes. Does it make you feel safe?" she asked again, offering an encouraging smile for him.
"I…"
He could feel his heart beat against his chest hard and faster than normal at that question as he stared at the papers on her desk, not really looking at what they were.
She stood from the chair behind the desk, his attention averting to her again. She moved across the desk and walked over to the chair before she pointed to the couch, motioning for him to sit there.
For once, he obliged to the demand, knowing that he needed to get off his feet before his legs gave out on him if he was going to remain in her presence.
Clearing his throat, he spoke. "Y-yesterday…" he paused and sighed. "Yesterday, there was an accident…"
She visibly froze in front of him and he already knew why. He even felt a little bad for reminding her about it, but he had to lay this out on the tables for her to understand.
"And all I could think about was being in the on-call room fucking..." He looked at her desperately, hoping for answers. "It sounds awful, I know that, but at that moment, I didn't feel like I had any type of control of the situation anymore. I felt..." He sat up, leaning his elbows on his knees, eyes silently begging her. "What did I feel?" he asked her, but not expecting her to answer.
"You—"
"No, don't talk, damn it. You'll just make it worst," he snapped suddenly.
She raised a brow at him and sat back in the chair, an air of patience radiating around her.
"I don't know what I felt, but it wasn't a pleasant feeling..."
Silence followed and he peered at her as his eyes began to undress her unconsciously. He quickly looked away, not wanting to act out irrationally like he had during their last encounters together. What the hell was wrong with him these days?
"Why do you like the control?" she asked quietly, almost hesitantly.
His eyes traveled back up to meet emeralds that were staring at him with compassion. Fake compassion.
"Don't...look at me like that. Just don't, please..." he whispered the last plea.
"Like what?" she asked with squinted eyes, clearly confused.
"Like you care," he said. "Like you have any kind of concern for my health when you don't," he said angrily.
She sighed and smiled at him sadly as if she had come up with a conclusion. "Do you think this is just about the sex?" she asked.
He looked at her questioningly. "Of course, it's just about sex."
"Are you sure?" she asked softly.
He glared at her. "Yes, I'm sure. Why are you trying to get off topic?"
"I'm not. I'm just making sure that we are on the same page."
Syaoran sighed and ran a shaky hand through his hair before looking back at her. "I apologize, okay? I'm not normally this irrational and rude, but..." he took a deep breath and released it. "You make it so hard to talk...and you're so attractive...you're so damn attractive and you don't want to have sex with me. And I don't know what to do about that…" he stopped, realizing he was just rambling on about nonsense.
"Mr. Li."
He looked up on hearing his name.
She smiled at him sadly. "This isn't just about sex anymore, is it?" she asked again.
He sighed, having enough of this. "How can I stop the urges?"
"Are we going to go around in circles today again?" she asked testily.
"How can I stop the fucking urges?" he asked, upset that she was not giving him the answers he desperately wanted.
Seeming to know he would not answer, she took a deep breath. "What can you do to stop the urges?" she reversed the question.
"Isn't that your job to tell me?" he asked.
"Shouldn't it be your job?"
His fists clenched, annoyed with her reversed questions. Was she playing jokes with his brain or something?
"No, damn it. Am I really just paying you to listen to me?" he asked in disbelief, more to himself. He had his assumptions about psychologist, but that did not mean that he truly believed them. They were not just people who listened, right?
"No, there is so much more going on here."
He scoffed, mouth opened with uncertainty slightly before he spoke. "I don't see any of it. Honestly, I don't even know what I am talking about anymore." He stood up abruptly from the couch. "It was stupid coming here today and I—"
"Sit down, Mr. Li," she demanded.
He looked at her as if she had multiple heads. "Excuse me?"
"Sit down. We're going to start somewhere so that you can get help."
He laughed without any trace of humor. "Is that what we're doing here now?"
"Yes. You need help, Mr. Li and you know that too. Even though the first session may have been a disaster for you, you're here again today. That means something, you're starting somewhere. Now...sit down," she almost whispered the last part.
Syaoran stood still in his spot, not able to move, knowing that she was right. There was no way he could admit that out loud though. He may have had other intentions on the first session, but this time was completely different. He had come here in hopes of not having sex today.
From the corner of his eyes, he saw her stand from the chair and walk over to him. She grabbed his arm gently with her soft fingers, causing a chill of desire to course through his entire body, and pushed him to sit on the couch slowly before pulling back, to his disappointment.
He looked up at her stunned as she walked back over to the chair and sat down in front of him.
"Are you ready to continue now?" she asked quietly.
Not able to form a coherent sentence as usual, he nodded.
"Okay, you've told me that sex makes you feel in control, but is there anything else that it makes you feel?"
"L-like what?" he asked uncertainly.
He could not believe that he was discussing how he felt during sex with the one person he wanted to have it with the most. This was crazy.
"Secure? Loved? Wanted?"
Nailed it right on the head.
"Yes."
"Yes, to which one?"
"Um..." He felt awkward telling her this, for some reason. He did not want to seem needy and desperate in front of the one woman he wanted to fuck now, but was she really giving him a choice?
"It's okay, I'm not one to judge, if that's what you're thinking," she said, smiling at him.
He shook his head, forgetting his pride and fears for the moment. "All of the above."
She nodded her head slowly while looking at the table blankly as if she were in deep thought.
About what though? Was she on to him?
"W-what are you thinking?" he asked without thinking.
She looked up at him and smiled, shaking her head. "It's nothing to worry about. Can you tell me if you feel powerless over how you act sexually?"
"Yes..." he dropped his head in embarrassment at admitting the shameful information to her.
Sensing his shame, she decided to ask the next question, "Are you ashamed of your sexual behavior?"
He glared at her softly before it changed into a suspicious look instead. "Is there a purpose behind these different questions besides to make me feel ashamed of myself? Humiliated, even."
To his surprise, he received a giggle on her part. "Mr. Li, you have to stop feeling like everything is targeted at you."
He looked at her skeptically, clearly offended by her statement and having not a single clue if she was saying yes or no.
"No, the questions are not to make you feel humiliated."
"I…don't like not knowing what you're thinking of me."
She raised a brow at him. "Really?"
"Yes, it's disturbing."
"Why does it matter what I think of you?"
"Because..." he looked at her and sighed. "I never said it did."
"But it disturbs you."
"It doesn't matter. Just..."
"Can you answer the question then?"
"I'm...I'm not ashamed of the act. I love it..." he trailed off as though he had more to say.
"But?"
"But what?" he asked.
"There's always a 'but.'"
"Can you just tell me how to stop these urges?" he asked again.
"Tha—"
His pager went off, signifying an emergency at the hospital.
He quickly stood, reaching into his pocket to grab out his wallet. He sat a large amount of money on the table.
"I have to go," was the last thing he said and quickly left her alone in the building.
Sakura stood from the chair as a small smile crept to her lips after hearing the door close behind the man. This session was much better than the first.
She had succeeded more than she had given herself credit on the first one, after all. He had thought about her questions from the first and applied them to his condition. It had worked after all.
A silly grin spread across her face as she nearly skipped over to her desk to find his charts, with a sense of pride in herself. She took it out and scribbled a few important things that she had figured out today about the man.
Safe, secure, loved, and wanted. Control was also one, but the man was not even aware that he had no control. He lacked a sense of control over everything, including his sexual behavior. She could not possibly tell him that yet though. He would become furious with her again and stop himself from getting help because she had acknowledged the information and presented it to him. Why was the man so stubborn?
She sighed and straightened out a few more things and headed back to the hospital to check on her brother and sister-in-law.
"That was pretty quick," Nakuru said after Sakura had settled herself in a seat by the bed.
"Patient had to leave early. How are you?" Sakura asked, smiling at her.
"I have a major headache. Let's not talk about me though. How was it?"
A bright smile formed on her lips again, thinking about the doctor. "Much better than the first."
"Oh, progression successful?" Nakuru asked excitedly.
"Definitely. A bit more cooperation this session too. Still short-tempered though."
"Is this a man we're talking about here?" she asked, raising a brow at Sakura.
"How did you know?" Sakura asked sarcastically, already knowing the answer the woman was about to give.
"All men are short-tempered, of course!"
Sakura mimicked the woman and soon afterwards, a loud slap came to her lap. She gasped. "Ouch, half lady," she joked, causing Nakuru to laugh out loud.
"Way too soon, you cruel girl," Nakuru said with a smile on her face.
"Hey, where's Aika?" Sakura asked after noticing the absent child.
"In the peds area playing with some little girl we met here."
Sakura smiled and nodded before her mood suddenly shifted to one of depression. Thinking about Aika and other patients in the hospital only brought one other person to mind; Touya. She did not really want to bring it up to Nakuru because she had already been crying as it was easy to tell. Her eyes were red and a bit puffy around them.
Nakuru felt terrible, she could tell. Her entire appearance was the complete opposite of what she possessed most of the time. Perky and chirpy described her the most, but instead, she was depressed and lost. She looked like a child who had been taken away from her parents forcefully and could never see them again.
"Heard anything else?" Sakura asked quietly.
Nakuru smiled sadly at her. "He's still the same..." her voice cracked a bit, but tried holding it together.
The expression on her face had changed into many different emotions at once, as if she were confused to what she should feel. Despair and sadness seemed to take over more before she cried out. "I can't even get up to go and check on my own husband! I'm such a terrible wife, Sakura! I don't deserve your brother at all, and I certainly don't deserve you as a sister-in-law!"
She burst into tears, covering her eyes with her hand suddenly as her sobbing only increased. Sakura sighed and stood to give her sister-in-law a comforting hug, feeling the tears brim in her own eyes at the thought. Nakuru was being so hard on herself when none of this was her fault.
As hard as it felt to say and believe, Sakura knew that she had to say something comforting, anything to help ease the woman's pain, along with some of hers. "Everything will be alright, Nakuru. You have stay positive about this. You can spit and think all the negativity that you want, but this. This is something that you have to be positive about," she said with as much compassion as she could.
Nakuru pulled back from the hug, looking up at her. "C-can you go and check on him? Also, see if you can get me a nurse to take me to him. Can you do that for me?" she asked her with a desperation to her voice.
Sakura released her hold on the woman. "Of course I can, honey. Anything," she said reassuringly.
"Thank you," she said and smiled at Sakura sadly.
Sakura nodded and left the room, walking to her brother's room. Before she could reach the room, she had to lean against the wall for support because of her weakened legs and the dam finally breaking from her eyes. It was still hard to believe that her brother, Kinomoto Touya, was nearly on his death bed. If he did not wake up soon, she would start having regrets about everything, from her insults to the kicking on his shin's when he would call her a 'kaijuu.' How she longed to hear his voice calling her that again...
Taunting her about the way she would loudly stomp around the house when she was running late for something, the way she ate her food, her reaction to certain things. She longed for all of this again, but there was a possibility that it was all gone forever.
Lifting her body from the wall, she lifelessly continued her journey back to his room, just to see him again. She was probably not even allowed in the room, but she was only going to check.
She opened the door and immediately froze on the spot at the sight. There were doctors, nurses, and possibly interns, crowding around her brother, who happened to be seizing.
A sharp inhaled breath came from her at the sight of her brother's body tensed and shaking vigorously before her eyes.
"Onii...chan..." she murmured, unconsciously walking further in the room.
"Onii-chan!" she yelled, praying that would snap him out of it as the threatening tears finally spilled from her eyes like a dam.
Every head turned in her direction, but she did not give two cents about who they were.
"Get her out. Now."
She looked in the direction of the familiar voice to see Syaoran turning her brother over to his side.
"Onii-chan!" she yelled again, her legs leading her closer to him.
"Are you all deaf?" Syaoran said before two interns came to their senses and clumsily scrambled over to her, grabbing her arms, trying to pull her out.
She struggled against them. "Please! Onii-chan! Snap out of it!" she yelled, while struggling against the two.
"Let me go! I can—"
She was forcefully pulled out of the room as they kept a firm hold on her, thinking that she might run back in.
After a few seconds of struggling, all movements came to a stop, exhausted from the energy she put in to be there for her brother. There was no hope.
Her mouth opened, but nothing came out, as if her vocal chords were held back until they broke loose, releasing a loud cry.
"Please! Please! Please!" she begged, not able to control herself any longer.
Without thinking, she grabbed one of the interns and cried onto her chest loudly. She had not even noticed that the intern had wrapped an arm around her, and was leading her away from her brother's room.
When they sat her down, she looked up at them desperately. "What's going to happen now? Is he going to be okay? Please! Tell me something reassuring, anything," she rambled on, wiping the tears from her eyes, smudging the light makeup that she had on.
"We aren't his doctors…" the redheaded intern said sadly.
"How…" she stopped and squeezed her eyes shut, wishing the tears would stop flowing so freely.
"His body is still in shock from the occurring events yesterday. They're post-traumatic seizures."
"They won't...kill him, right?" she asked weakly.
"No, but Dr. Li is going to get his condition under control."
"Oh..." she let out, relieved and rested a hand over her burning heart. "Please, do everything that you guys can. If there's anything that needs to be done, let me know," Sakura said.
The interns nodded before leaving her alone in the waiting room with all the other people who seemed to be in distress too.
She sighed and stood from the chair after composing herself, aware that she would not be able to sit in that depressing hole. Wallowing in her own sadness, and feeling the load of the others around her was something she could not simply do right now, though she did this on a daily basis. She needed a little break from it now.
She headed back to Nakuru's room, dreading what she could tell the woman without telling the truth. There was no way that she would be able to tell Nakuru what she had just witnessed.
She opened the door and walked inside to see Tomoyo stooping down on the floor beside the bed, coloring with Aika.
"Tomoyo," Sakura called, glad to see the woman.
Tomoyo looked up before looking back down. "Auntie Sakura's here, Aika. We can color a little later," she said to the girl softly before standing up and walking over to her best friend.
She enveloped Sakura in her arms, holding her tightly. No words were spoken between the two because there were none needed.
When they pulled back, Tomoyo wiped the stray tear from Sakura's cheek while smiling at her sadly. "How are you?"
"I'm...I'm making it," she decided on after struggling to express her emotions now.
She felt a small body press against her lower half and arms wrap around her leg. "Don't cry, Aunt Saku. Or you'll make me sad," Aika said and her hold tightened.
Sakura ruffled her hair as she forced a smile for the little girls caring nature before picking her up. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad."
She gave the little girl a fake, silly grin. "Is this better?"
Aika giggled and wrapped her arms around Sakura's neck and buried her face in her shoulder. "You're so silly," she said between giggles.
Nakuru gave a short, humorless laugh, catching Sakura's attention. Shame washed over her, knowing that she was about to lie to the woman.
She held a thumb up with a forced smile.
Nakuru sighed in relief and a bright smile formed on her lips, relieved that there was no bad news, even though the situation was already bad enough.
She was so going to burn in the pits of hell for this.
A sigh of relief left Syaoran's mouth after he had finally gotten the man's seizures under control and explained the condition of his patient to the family.
None of them had seemed mad at him anymore, and the wife had even apologized for her behavior from the day before. That had made him feel a bit better about himself, but the reason could have been mistaken for something else. Like the psychologist's session from earlier, or even just her presence in his hospital.
A warm, fuzzy feeling erupted in his stomach at the thought of her. She was no longer his psychologist in this hospital. A psychologist, yes, but not his, so there was no reason to hate her existence for the moment.
"Dr. Li!" He heard a familiar voice call behind him.
He turned around to see the woman he had just been thinking about. A brow raised as a questioning look formed on his face at the sudden interest she had in him.
She was panting when she caught up to him. "I…uh…I just wanted to say thanks back there. For not giving me away like that," she said a bit nervously. She was always nervous and fidgety around him outside of her practice.
"It wasn't a big deal. You know that it wasn't smart to lie like that though. What if his condition had gotten worse?"
"Then..." She shrugged her shoulders with a sad smile. "I guess you would've had to tell her that he wasn't okay, right?"
Syaoran nodded and glanced around the hall for any eyes or ears that could witness the next thing he wanted to bring up.
"Thank you, Dr. Li. I know he isn't awake yet, but you and the other doctors are doing the best you can, I'm sure. There is no other way that I know to show you my gratitude," she said, sounding very sincere about her gratitude.
By taking your clothes off…
He quickly looked away from her body before he spoke his thoughts out loud. Also, to get rid of the painfully tight ache in his scrubs.
"Come to lunch with me," he suggested instead.
As if all else was forgotten, she huffed and folded her arms under her breast, hitching them up a little for his eyes that somehow trained themselves there. "Was I not clear with you back at the bar?"
"No, no, no. It's not to..." He stopped when feeling his face heat up at the topic. Since when did he feel embarrassed by the topic of sex?
"I'm not going to try anything like that anymore," he said truthfully.
After that session and a few thoughts and realizations, he had concluded that his chances of sleeping with this woman was very low. She took her job way too seriously.
"What are we going to do at lunch?" she asked, looking at him suspiciously.
"Talk. Help me gain some form of trust between us. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?"
She pursed her glossed lips. "You're twisting it. That's not how a patient gains trust for the therapist."
His head dropped, knowing that his manipulating schemes were not working. What was the harm that could come out of them eating lunch together? He wanted to know her. Know that she was not just some person who showed fake compassion to people she barely knew.
When had he even began to want to know her though?
"But, lunch would be okay. We never finished our session together and you paid me, so we could continue it," she said, smiling at him sadly. He could tell that she was still sad about her brother.
Syaoran almost groaned at the mention of continuing where they had left off at though. That was not what he had in mind. Why did everything have to be about her occupation when it came to him?
"I wasn't really asking for that..." He looked at her face to see that she had raised a brow at him, almost daring him to say otherwise. "But that will be fine," he settled on instead of letting the opportunity pass him by.
"Alright. We can..." She stopped and looked at him confused. "Don't you have patients to tend to?"
Syaoran shrugged. "We'll cut it short again if something comes up."
"Oh! I was meaning to tell you. Nakuru-chan has been having extreme headaches today and she's refusing to tell any of the doctors because she just thinks that it's a normal headache. I'm getting a bit worried about it now."
He nodded. "I'll get Dr. Kasinai to run some scans on her to make sure she's fine."
She sighed in relief and rested a hand over her chest as if a load had been lifted. "Thank you so much."
Syaoran nodded and looked around the floor again before clearing his throat. "Um…I don't want anyone knowing about this…" he motioned between them. "So, could we possibly do this somewhere more private in my hospital?"
She giggled and shook her head. "You're talking as though we are doing something illegal here."
Through the midst of this storm, he was surprised that she could still have such a positive vibe around her. He almost envied the way she was.
He blushed and scowled at her. "Do you think this is some kind of joke? I have a reputation to hold up here. No one—"
"I never planned for us to talk about your problems to everyone, Dr. Li," she interrupted him.
He sighed in relief. "Good...we could do it in my office."
She raised a brow at him.
"What? You're expecting me to say we could do it in one of the patient's room?"
"Your office is okay," she said softly.
He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again. "Okay. Come on then."
He walked ahead of her again, but heard her footsteps behind him. He pressed the elevator button before turning back to her. "After I show you where my office is, I have to go and handle a few things."
She nodded her head. "Alright."
The elevator doors slid opened, so they walked inside.
Syaoran instantly hardened in his scrubs at the thought of them being closed off together in the elevator. Alone. Again.
Shit.
The doors slowly closed and so did his eyes as he silently prayed that he would make it through the ride without jumping her bones. When opening his eyes again, he looked at her from the corner of his eyes to see that she was glancing down at her phone texting, which brought up the question that he had not thought about before.
Was she already taken?
His eyes squinted, trying to read the name to see if it was a man, but before he could, she pressed send and put her phone away.
She turned to him and smiled sadly. "It seems like it's been a crazy week, huh?"
"U-uh…" He swallowed. "Y-yeah. Everything will pan out the way it's supposed to be at the end of the day though?" he said questioningly.
He had never been good at trying to comfort people and he rarely ever tried, unless it were a kid. He felt obligated to comfort her though and that nearly scared the living hell out of him.
"You think so?" she asked with a hopeful look on her face.
Unwittingly, his features softened and an unusual small smile formed on his lips. "I know so."
Before she could respond, the elevator doors slid opened.
They walked out and he led her to his office, being sure that no one noticed her going in.
"I'll be back shortly," he told her before closing the door behind himself.
He sighed and closed his eyes, trying to gather his thoughts together. The first thing he needed to do was inform Dr. Kasinai to run some scans on the woman, but get rid of this aching pain in his scrubs at the same time. Maybe he could get one of the nurses to get him off really quick?
He cringed, realizing how terrible that would make him feel, especially knowing that the psychologist was there. He could just handle that himself. Right, that was what he should do.
He paged Dr. Kasinai and gave him instructions, then headed to the restroom. He closed the stall door and pulled his scrubs down a little, pulling out the source of his pain.
The moment he took a hold of himself, a mental image of the woman in his office flashed across his mind and it did not take any time to finish himself off. After cleaning up, he went to the cafeteria to pick them up something to eat and then headed back to the office where she was.
Taking a deep breath, he opened the door with one hand and pushed it opened. The moment he saw her sitting on the couch in his office looking at everything in the room admirably, he instantly hardened again. He groaned inwardly and closed the door behind him.
She looked up at him with a small smile. "You know you didn't have to actually get me something to eat."
He shrugged and sat the tray down on the glass table in front of the couch. "My invitation was to have lunch, so I intend on keeping my side of the deal. Yours was to continue our session."
"Yet you agreed." She gave him a pointed look, silently daring him to argue against it.
"Because you're insisting that I need 'help,'" he said, starting to feel a bit annoyed with the woman sitting down, implying things that were not true about him. Well, things that she had no business saying out loud, at least.
"What do you think it is then?" she asked, challenging him.
"What do you mean?" he asked, confused by the sudden change in their conversation.
"Why did you accept my invitation?"
"I..."
She scooted over on the couch for him to sit, which he did. An awkward silence passed between them before he cleared his throat.
"You're hot," he stated boldly, leaving no room for her to argue. "You look extremely good to fuck," he said after seeing the blush form on her cheeks.
She reached up to the table and grabbed the drink, opening it. She stabbed the straw inside the cup and took a sip before turning back to him.
"Are you finished?" she asked in a voice that left no trace if she had been affected by his statements.
He looked at her incredulously, wondering if this was even a woman beside him. "W-what?"
"Are you finished? Because I was expecting a lot more than, 'You look hot' or 'extremely good to fuck.' Those aren't good enough excuses to see a psychologist. You can find a pretty face and hot body anywhere."
He looked down at the food on the tray, feeling unbearably embarrassed. Why did she do this to him? It was almost as though she lived to embarrass him.
"Are you ready to admit that you need help now?"
Syaoran sighed and grabbed the sandwich on the plate from the tray, ignoring her. Why was she so adamant on him admitting that anyway? Could he not just have her here to talk? Her presence distracted him from sleeping with multiple women, so why was she not accepting that? Well, she was not even aware of that, but that did not mean anything. She should still be proud that he was talking to her, instead of sleeping with other women right now.
"So, we haven't reached that point yet," she said after he remained silent.
"What fucking point?" he snapped, glaring at her.
"The point where you can admit out loud that you need help," she said calmly.
"Because I don't need help," he lied, despite the fact that he was well aware that he did.
"Alright. When was the last time you had sex then?"
He took an angry bite out of the sandwich, hoping that the bitter taste of his lies would be drowned down his throat with the sandwich.
"Yesterday."
"Was that when you realized you needed help?"
"I don't need..." He stopped and looked at her when realizing that she was right. How the hell did she know that?
"Dr. Li, I understand that this is very hard for you. But I really need you to work with me here. I need you to tell me as much as possible about the way you feel about this."
"I told you..." he whispered, dropping his head, ashamed.
"I need you to tell me why sex makes you feel secure, safe, and wanted then," she reiterated the question.
"Because..." He took a deep breath as he closed his eyes, appearing deep in thought. "Feeling those things makes me feel in control. It makes me happy," he said concentrated on every word he spoke.
"Do you think that there are other ways that you can be happy?" she asked before taking a sip from her drink.
"Are you saying that sex shouldn't be something to do to be happy?" he asked, feeling a bit nervous of her answer this time.
"That depends. What is sex to you?"
"Sexual intercourse."
"No, what is sex to you?"
"Oh..." he shrugged his shoulders. "Fucking, I guess."
She sighed and nodded her head. "Sex is supposed to be an act of intimacy."
He remained quiet after that, deep in thought. He knew that sex was considered to be something intimate back in the day, but a lot of people did not really look at sex like that anymore, so his view of it was fine. Sex was…well, sex. There was nothing more to understand about it.
"That's not how I see it," he said plain and simple.
"And that's where we need to start. Have you ever had a girlfriend before?"
"Yes."
"Assuming that the two of you had sex, you didn't see it as intimacy between the two of you?"
"No. I tended to her needs, as she did mine." He shrugged nonchalantly.
"I see," she remained silent after that and reached up to grab her sandwich on the tray. She took a bite out of it, silently chewing it.
He gave her a skeptical look. "W-what are you thinking? Is that wrong?"
"I thought you didn't care what I thought about you."
"I-I don't—"
"Do you want the approval of everyone around you, or is it just me?"
His fists clenched. "What the fuck?" he said incredulously.
"I'm trying to get you to see the patterns here."
"Then why the hell can't you just tell me, instead of making this so complicated?"
She took a bite out of her sandwich, then sipped from the drink.
"There was something in your life...I don't know what or when, but something that caused you to have the strong desire to feel in control...wanted, secure, safe, and have the approval of everyone around you. And I think that you already know the answer to that."
"I..." He stopped, feeling a painful, rippling in his chest.
"Whenever you're ready to talk about it, the floor is open," she said softly.
"There is nothing to talk about. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about," he said angrily.
"Why are you letting your emotions get riled up then?"
His eyes widened, shocked that he could not understand why they were.
"I..." he stood from the couch and ran a frustrated hand through his hair before turning back to her. "It's really complicated. I can't talk about...that with you or anyone else. I just..." he took a deep breath. "Why does it just have to be about me? Can't I ask you questions and make you feel vulnerable too? Make you feel embarrassed and ashamed too? I think you're getting a high out of making me feel this way. How would you feel if I asked you questions to make you feel vulnerable?" he asked.
"Go."
"W-what?"
"Ask me questions. Make me feel vulnerable. Make me understand how you feel."
He blinked, wondering if this was real. Was she really allowing him to ask her whatever he wanted?
"U-uh..."
Before he could come up with a question, his pager went off, signaling he was being called.
"C-can we continue this in the next session? When?"
"Of course. How does every Thursday for the next couple of weeks sound for you?" she asked.
He nodded and then left the room before she could respond, as usual.
It was like a new routine that occurred between them now.
So, she got him to admit that there was something that happened to have caused him to be the person he was today, but what? What could have possibly caused him to want these things so badly? What caused him to abuse sex this way?
Was there a woman who did this to him? Or was it simply out of pure desire to be with a woman, like a lot of men wanted?
She sighed and dropped her head in disappointment.
"You're thinking a lot, aren't you?" her best friend asked.
"I'm sorry. There's just so much going on right now. I can't even get in contact with Otou-san..." Sakura said, hoping that that would shift the conversation away from the doctor.
"Really?" Tomoyo asked, scrunching her brows together in confusion. It was weird to not be able to get in contact with her father because he was always available for his kids.
"Yeah. The last I heard, he was on a business trip out of town. He won't be back until Sunday evening, if I'm remembering correctly," she said sadly as an image of Touya's corpse and her dad looking at it horrified, crossed her mind. He needed to hurry or his only son would be dead by the time he got here.
"Touya will not be dead when your dad finds out and come see him," Tomoyo said as if she could read her mind.
"We don't know that. Actually, we don't know anything," she said as tears formed in her eyes again. She was like a pregnant woman with 20 different mood swings these days…
"You're going to ruin your makeup again…"
All other thoughts disappeared at that statement, Sakura giggled and blinked the tears away. "Oh Tomoyo. You're always looking out for me," she said with a small smile.
"It's my job, sweetie." Tomoyo grinned at her.
"How long has Nakuru been sleeping, by the way?"
"Only a few minutes before you got back. Speaking of that, did you just go and see him?"
Sakura squinted in confusion, "Him?"
"Yeah. The only man you come and see in this hospital at least once a month," Tomoyo laughed.
"Oh! Uh…yeah. He's…"
"Good?" Tomoyo questioned after Sakura never finished.
"Yeah! He's great, actually. I needed to see him with all that's been going on, you know," Sakura said with a forced laugh. Why had she suddenly thought that Tomoyo knew about Dr. Li?
"Yeah. Eriol will be here soon though."
"Really?"
"Yup. As soon as he gets off."
"That's great. It's like we're all having a family reunion," she said quietly.
Tomoyo wrapped her arms around her. "Aren't you normally the one around here telling everyone to be positive?"
Sakura forced a smile for the umpteenth time that day and nodded before pulling back from her. "You're right. We should head back to Nakuru's before she thinks that we ditched."
Tomoyo giggled and nodded her head. They walked back to Nakuru's room, only to see the woman crying. They both rushed to her side.
"What's wrong, honey?" Sakura asked worriedly.
"I...I have to go to surgery. Immediately!" she wailed in Sakura's shirt loudly.
Sakura pulled her back, looking in her face panicking. "W-why? What's going on? What happened?"
"I have an aneurysm that could burst at any moment in my head! I'm going to die, Sakura. I can't do this anymore. I can't take anymore. My husband is already on his death bed and I'm about to...I can't do it anymore, Sakura."
Sakura grabbed her face, forcing her to look in her eyes. "Hey, hey, hey. You need to calm down. No one is dying here, okay? Touya is fine, and you're going to be fine, okay? Aika is fine. You need to think about Aika right now, okay? Do you understand me?"
Nakuru stared in her eyes and nodded her head vigorously, then pulled her in for another hug. Tomoyo rubbed her back comforting her silently.
Sakura sighed and wondered if this was an everyday routine in the hospital. Sad and depressing.
The door opened, snapping the women out of their own zones.
"We need to get Mrs. Kinomoto prepped for surgery," the doctor said, looking at the women.
"Okay..." Sakura let her go and gave a reassuring smile. "You'll be okay, trust me," she whispered to the woman.
Nakuru nodded with a forced smile on her face and they left the room.
"She's going to be okay."
Sakura looked at Tomoyo and smiled. "I know she will. There's just a lot happening back to back to back and it's a bit shocking and…almost unrealistic, but these things happen on a daily, don't they? Of course, they do…I just need something that will distract me from my thoughts," she said with a sigh.
"We'll just have to wait it out, you know. How about you go and talk to Dr. Akinari? If he's not busy. Maybe that'll put your mind at ease," Tomoyo suggested.
"I can't possibly leave you alone here to worry yourself to death," Sakura said, grabbing her hand.
"I won't, I'll go and check in on Aika, who's playing with her new friend. Also, I have this here," she held up the magazine in her other hand. "I need to pick one of these outfits that you could model for my new designs when I release them." Tomoyo grinned at her.
Sakura smiled at her a little with a blush on her cheeks. "That's good distraction?"
"Of course. How could it not be? Imagining you in every one of these outfits is a lot," she exaggerated.
Sakura rolled her eyes playfully and nodded. "Okay, if you insist. I have my phone, if you need anything." Sakura held her phone up, showing her.
"Good. Give it to me." Tomoyo snatched it from her before she could respond and started pressing buttons on it. "Here," she handed it back to her. "Now I have nothing to worry about. It's turned up as loud as it can get and it's in your hands."
Sakura smiled at her sadly and nodded. "See? Always looking out for me." She winked at her best friend and then walked off from her to go and find the guy that helped her through her everyday life.
Another successful surgery rewarded him after he personally scrubbed in on the woman's sister-in-law surgery. It was not that he never trusted his doctors, but it was different this time.
He had to be there to make sure that everything went fine. This family was already going through enough, so there was no way he could let any small mishaps bring any more fuel to the fire in their lives.
A rush of pride course through every vein in his body, ready to tell them that their beloved one was alright after getting rid of the aneurysm.
Where was that woman anyway? He had been looking for her for the past hour and found no signs of her. Had she already left?
Sighing, he decided to search for her friend instead. On his way to finding the other woman, he spotted auburn hair, which stopped him in his tracks. He looked down at her face as she leaned on the counter desk and saw a huge grin on her face as she laughed out loud.
His eyes shifted over to the source of humor to see Dr. Akinari, a psychologist who worked in his hospital. Then his eyes drifted down to the slim fingers on the man's arm.
His fists clenched involuntarily and he had to look away before trudging over to them and grabbing the woman from the other doctor.
Why could she laugh and freely talk to Dr. Akinari, and not him? Why was she openly touching Dr. Akinari, while she flinched away from his touch? Was there something about the other doctor that was better than what he could offer her?
Was it possible that they were already having sex? That she was spreading her long, slender legs for him?
Glancing at the raven-haired man, a burning hatred began to grow in every part of his being for the man. Why were the odds always against him?
Maybe she had liked him more because he was also a psychologist. Fake. Just like her...
Despite the thought of assuming she belonged to another, he still wanted her. He still needed to feel the way her walls would wrap around him. The way her legs would wrap around his waist while he buried himself deep inside her depths as her fingers held onto him like her life depended on him. He needed to hear the way his name would roll off her tongue when he pounded into her.
He looked at her face to see the same silly grin on it, then down to her hand, where it still rested on the man's arm lovingly, until he knew that he could not take any more of it.
Irrational and illogical were the two words that seemed to describe Syaoran these days, so it was no surprise when he found himself trudging over to the two of them to put a stop to their little interaction.
A/N: Well...what did you guys think? This chapter would have been out a few days ago, maybe a week, but I've barely had the time to reread and edit any grammatical errors until now. I had to start on the next chapter of my other story too, which will probably be out shortly, but not sure about the specific date(sometimes this week though). I do have a job now, but I'll still try to make time to update as much as possible. There is only six more weeks until the semester ends, but a break four weeks away, so you guys will probably get double uploads that week :D.
On a better note, thank you guys again for the reviews! I think I responded to everyone...I hope that this chapter wasn't too disappointing though. The characters still have more developing to do in order for any major actions to be taken place, but it won't be too long before they do!
I have been up for the last 48 hours and am too tired to prolong this authors note and give anymore detailed information about the story, so please just don't forget to leave a review, lol!
Ja ne!