"And Back to Square One"
The door opened, and Syaoran nearly stumbled back to the other side of the closet where the shoes were placed.
His face twisted from the pain of a heel stabbing at his side. He looked at Sakura, ready to chastise her for her aggressive behavior towards him, but she forced out a laugh.
"You guys are a little too slow," she said, pushing herself off the clothes rack.
Syaoran looked in the direction she is staring at. And there, Akinari and Chiharu were standing at the entrance of the closet door, staring at them.
"Damn it! I told you that we should've looked here first," Chiharu scolded Akinari, who chuckled. "You just couldn't give me the benefit of the doubt."
"I'm sorry, Chi, but I don't think it's a problem," Akinari said, eyes locking with Sakura's, conveying a silent message that Syaoran could not decipher. "Because here it is."
Akinari reached up, grabbing a bottle that they had missed.
"Darn it!" Sakura exclaimed, causing the party to laugh at her distraught face, except Syaoran.
She shuffled her way out of the closet.
"You're so damn slow, woman," Syaoran heard Akinari say under his breath to Sakura as he walked out the closet himself.
She threw her head back, laughing. She landed a soft slap to his chest. "Oh, hush. It wasn't like I looked hard enough," she said, grinning at him.
Syaoran suddenly felt sick to his stomach at the sight of the two acting comfortably with each other. He almost felt jealous of the way she could pretend that nothing had ever occurred in that closet with him only a few minutes ago.
His eyes took in her appearance and he could not help but feel pleased at it.
Though her behavior was normal, her face was still flushed, giving off the vibe that she had just been aroused. Or maybe that was what he liked to think he is seeing.
He glanced at Chiharu to see her talking and laughing as if she saw nothing, and then at Akinari, who appeared the same.
Maybe it is me...
His eyes landed on the trio again who were now engaged in conversation as if nothing happened. He really felt sick once again at Sakura's behavior now.
What should he expect though? He knew she is a fake, so why is he even letting her behavior bother him?
After hearing her laughter one last time, he decided to end his own misery.
"I have to get to the hospital. I'll see you guys later," he said.
"Aw...it was great seeing you again," Chiharu said.
"You too." He nodded to the other two in the room, and then left.
When he settled into his car, he could hear and feel his heart rapidly beating against his chest so hard that it almost hurt.
Why did he come here today? Was he expecting to make amends with his old friends? Rekindle what he killed?
Whatever it was, this was the worst decision he had ever made.
Syaoran pushed the door opened to her practice, nerves jumping all over the place.
It was Thursday.
How did he make it to Thursday without hearing or seeing her?
Oh, it was his hand. His job. His thoughts. Her pictures. The pornographic videos of women who looked close to her appearance, though there were none who could compare to her beauty. That was where his imagination took control.
He was beginning to grow tired of all that, though. He was tired of his hand always leaving him unsatisfied, reminding him that he could not have sex with anyone. He was tired of not feeling that control during sex...
It was even harder that he had not heard her voice since Saturday after he left the party. She ignored his calls and text messages, despite his efforts to get her attention.
But it was Thursday. His day...the day she belongs to him, as he liked to think. And that was all that matters.
"Dr. Kinomoto," he called, staring down at her sitting form with headphones on.
"Kinomoto," he called again, patience going thin.
"Sakura!" he barked, slamming his fist down on the desk.
She looked up and jumped, startled to see him standing there.
She pulled the headset off, staring at him. "Dr. Li? What are you doing here?"
His fists clenched, annoyed at her behavior. "It's Thursday," he said in a tight tone.
She glanced at the clock on the wall. "O-oh, you're right. My apologies," she said, scrambling from the chair, bowing to him. "Just a moment and we can begin." She motioned for him to sit on the all-too-familiar couch.
The usual was done, giving him time to get himself mentally prepared for the session.
I'm ready, he thought.
Aside from his thoughts of taking the woman over and over, he had also put a lot of thought into telling her more about himself.
As usual, he had to reason with himself that the only reason he would was because she became more open to him when he does. He took notes, noticing her draw close to him when she knew more about his personal feelings, rather than his needs to have sex with her, or anyone.
After his calls were ignored for four days, he realized how miserable he was without the calls. How had he even restrained himself from having sex? He had no idea.
Four days without the real her, or her voice made him feel dead inside. He refused to ever feel that way again.
"How are you, Mr. Li?" she asked professionally.
"Syaoran," he corrected, almost in a demanding tone.
She gave him a small smile. "Syaoran," she said softly.
His heart fluttered, manhood springing to life at his name rolling off her tongue naturally.
"Aroused," he said. Thoughts of telling her about his personal emotions vanished.
"Okay. What else?" she asked calmly.
He looked into her eyes, searching for something… anything that would give away the effect that he has on her. There was nothing there, though.
It was easy to tell when they made physical contact, but during these sessions, her emotions were different. She always remains neutral. Professional. Polite...
All the unpleasant words that he does not like.
He wanted to see dark. Dirty. Naughty...
His eyes grew heavy with arousal, stripping her naked of the outfit that she had on today. It was cute, simple, and plain, which only made her look even sexier.
"Hot..." he murmured.
"Excuse me?" she said, sounding offended by his choice of word.
"I'm burning with a need for you right now..." he said, voice heavy with arousal.
Her cheeks colored, eyes straying from his. "Okay. Shall we pick up where we left off last time?" she asked.
He blinked, eyes travelling back to hers. "What?"
"We were talking about this, 'her,' in your life," she replied.
His body went rigid, eyes turning a shade darker than normal. "She is not in my life. I told you that her existence is fucking dead to me now," he said coldly.
"So, let's discuss when she was not yet dead to you," she said.
He swallowed hard as his heart repeatedly slammed against his chest.
He took a deep breath and let it go.
Here goes nothing...
"She..."
He stopped, looking at her as his body filled with too many emotions at once. He shook his head. "I…I don't want to talk about her. I mean, I can't talk about her."
"Yes, you can..." she said softly.
He shook his head again. "No, I can't, Sakura. I really can't," he said desperately.
"You can..." she said quietly.
He closed his eyes, unpleasant chills running down his body.
It was only a moment that he remained silent before he decided to break it.
"What do you want to know?"
"That's the thing. It's up to you to decide what you want me to know today," she said, smiling at him.
He averted his eyes away from her, cheeks warming at the sight of her lips.
"I..." He cleared his throat. "Ebony...she probably has the darkest and longest hair that you'll ever see..." he said, thinking about the way the woman's appearance is, or was. He did not know. "The color of her hair makes her skin appear very...pale. Her eyes are of a dark color too. Not as dark as her hair, but they're...they're dark."
He looked at Sakura, silently asking if this is okay.
She smiled, nodding her head for him to continue.
"She's very elegant. I mean, the air around her is very graceful, which gives off an intimidating vibe, but it wasn't intimidating to me anymore once it grew on me. She's beautiful...from what I can remember. The standards are high when it comes to beauty in China, so maybe that is why she kept up herself. Though she looked shitty the last few times that I saw her, she was still beautiful..."
He sighed, shaking his head. "Her appearance doesn't even matter, does it? It's not important, right?"
"Of course, it is. Everything you tell me here is important, Syaoran," she said, reassuring him that it was okay.
He sighed, feeling relieved by that statement. "Well, I can't confirm that she still looks like that. I haven't seen her in 10 years. I was turning 18 at the time...and there was this ball thrown for me by my family."
He scoffed and then bit the inside of his cheek hard, staring at nothing. "She didn't even show. It shouldn't have been a surprise that she didn't though. I was just..."
He sighed, shaking his head. "It doesn't matter what I was. She didn't show, even though I was becoming an official adult."
"Didn't you already consider yourself an adult? I mean...you...you did a lot for someone your age. It's very inspirational," she said.
He heard this so many times, but it was different this time. His heart raced, body being filled with warmth that felt like home with her praise.
He cleared his throat, ignoring the feeling. "I didn't think I was. I just...I wanted to be something. Someone important, I guess. I wanted to matter in the world. Could I have done it at the normal pace? Sure, but I didn't want to. I wanted to speed up the process of being someone who mattered in the world. I wanted to..." He stopped, eyes gazing into the emerald gems in front of him that were looking passionately into his.
"Wanted to what?" she asked after he stopped.
His cheeks warmed at the attention, so he looked away. "N-nothing..." he said.
"Why didn't she show up?" she asked suddenly.
"I don't know...maybe she didn't care like the bitch she is...or maybe she didn't know my family planned it because of her health...maybe she..." He sighed. "Maybe she just didn't want to. I don't care, though. I mean, I cared at the time, but now, it seems stupid to care about something so small."
"You didn't ask her?"
"God forbid I ever ask the bitch about anything she did."
"Syaoran..."
He looked up, hearing her call his name so softly. He waited for the chastisement.
"Is she the reason you hate your Chinese name so much?" she asked, surprising him.
"W-what?"
"In the elevator a week ago, I called you by your Chinese name and you asked me not to, remember?"
"O-oh..." He closed his eyes. "Yes. She used it all the time. It was only bad when she used it in...in that tone of hatred...and disgust. She was the only person who preferred to call me by my Chinese name, who knew me personally. That is why I hate it so much."
"I'm sorry I did..." she said apologetically.
A small smile tugged at his lip. "It's okay, just..."
"I won't ever use it again unless you tell me to," she said, finishing his sentence.
His heartbeats sped up, body growing hot at that statement.
"Trust me, I won't. Whenever I hear that name, I…I just...the way it makes me feel is just..." He stopped again, fists clenching so tight that it almost hurt. "I don't know how to describe it. It's...it's awful. It feels like a knife stabbing into my chest repeatedly. I don't know how else to explain it..."
"Why did you use it on the phone the first time you called, then?"
"I..." He thought about it for a minute, recalling the reason he did. "Because that name has its own person. It's not a likable person. It's someone useless...worthless, and...an unpleasant person. It probably doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel about it," he said, concluding what he thought about the name.
"No, it does. Why didn't you use Syaoran, though?"
"Because, when I called, that wasn't Syaoran. I didn't want to make you think that was Syaoran either. The weak, uncontrolled person on the phone wasn't Syaoran."
"So...Xiao Lang is the—"
"One who lacks control. He's weak, vulnerable, and..." He swallowed. "He's everything I'm not."
"Is—"
"That's why I moved here. Over there, people used to call me that in the media. I had enough of it, so I moved. Wei suggested I shouldn't because of my...condition. He almost begged me to stay...but I couldn't."
"Who is Wei?" she asked.
A smile crept to his lips. "My old Butler. He's a close family friend, but he's more of a best friend I can confide in."
Sakura smiled at him. "Oh, really?"
He nodded. "Yeah. He was the first to know about...my condition, I guess."
"How long has he known?"
"Well...since the beginning, really. He ended up walking in on me..." His cheeks began to grow hot at the memory. "You know."
"Doing that is normal, though."
"Yeah, well, he knew about the other times that I did...a lot. More than normal to...unusual films. He only suspected in the beginning because, like you said, it is normal. It was only after I started dating and sleeping with women when he confirmed his suspicions."
"Did he suggest help?" she asked.
He looked at her, wondering if she was pretending to be this interested.
"All the time."
"Why didn't you?"
"Because I didn't need help. I mean, I don't need help, but you're insisting that I do, so I'm giving you my money to think that I'm really trying to get help," he lied, almost in a sarcastic tone.
She giggled, rolling her eyes. "Do you want to know what I think?"
"Are you really giving me a choice? I mean, you asking is very cute, but you're still going to tell me regardless, right?" he asked, smiling at her.
She grinned. "Actually, I was going to play it your way today. Because you said that, I've changed my mind." She winked at him. "You know that you need help at this point, but you're still trying to convince yourself that you don't."
He chuckled, surprised that she was correct. "What the hell are you?"
She burst out laughing. "What do you mean? I'm not a 'what.' More like a 'who,'" she said, giving him a pointed look.
"How can you tell that's what it is?" he asked, curious to know about these "powers" that psychologists seemed to have.
"Well, your posture for starters. Normally, you're tall, confident, and determined to get your point across with evidence. Then, your tone of voice. It's normally strong, forceful, and confident. Neither of those things was present in your response. Also, you've denied your need to get help this entire time, yet you keep coming here."
He was impressed with the way she picked up on the little details, which brought upon the question if she knew his attraction to her the moment he laid eyes on her.
"Do you pick up on everything around you?" he asked, smiling at her.
"Not everything," she replied, leaning forward a bit towards him.
"Only on your patients?"
She shrugged. "Well, I don't intentionally do it. But, when there are certain things...patterns that people follow, I can't help but notice it. You know, it's like you, right? When you hear someone say that something hurts on them, then you automatically think of different things that could be wrong with them. You know what I mean?"
He nodded, really understanding what she meant. It was like that for him. Whenever someone says they have a stomach ache, he was quick to conclude what it was after hearing the other symptoms.
"That makes sense. I should be more careful around you then, right?" he asked, and then sent her a wink.
Her cheeks colored, eyes leaving his. "Well, I think you need more practice," she said sheepishly.
"Why do you say that?" he asked, confused by the insult.
Her eyes drifted back in his direction, and then down to his pants.
His eyes closed, already aware of what she was staring at. Why should he care though? He wanted her to know how much he wanted to fuck her.
"That's different," he said in a low, sultry voice.
"How so?" she asked, eyes locking with his.
"I want you to notice that," he said, leaning forward to get closer to her.
"Why?" she asked quietly, clearly entranced by his tone.
A smirk formed on his lips at her response. "I think you already know why."
He could see the bob of her throat as she swallowed. "D-don't answer it, then," she said.
"Why? Because you know that I'll say that I want you to know...feel how much I want to fuck you so hard?" he asked, standing from the small couch, walking over to her slowly.
Immediately, she stood from the chair, backing away. "Stop," she said sternly, holding a hand up to stop him.
He stopped his advance, not wanting to push his luck today.
"Sit," she instructed, pointing to the couch.
His brows furrowed, offended by her command. He should be the one giving commands, not the other way around. Even so, he still sat down, feeling embarrassed to have succumbed to her command so easily.
It would only be this once...
She sat down and then cleared her throat. "So, is Wei here?" she asked, continuing the previous conversation.
"Hong Kong. He didn't follow me because I instructed him not to."
"Well, why did you do that? I thought he was like your best friend."
"He is," he said.
"Then why?"
"He would just be a bother."
She frowned, appearing confused by that statement.
"He means well, but he's always worried about my health. Mentally and physically."
Sakura let out a small, soft laugh. "That's a good thing, Syaoran. You know that, right?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Then what?"
He shrugged. "I don't want him to bother me about my problems."
She forced out a laugh. "You're very contradicting."
"Just because he's like a best friend doesn't mean that I want to have him around. Don't you have a best friend?" he asked, looking at her through squinted eyes.
"Tomoyo, yes. I want her around all the time even though she can be a pain in the behind sometimes." She smiled.
"Lucky you, then," he said sarcastically.
"Maybe it's because you haven't found that best friend that you want around all the time."
"It's insane to want someone around all the time. I can barely stand being around myself all day," he said, shuddering at the thought of it.
She giggled. "Wow, Syaoran. You need a lot of work on you," she said playfully.
His eyes darkened. "And you're going to be the one to work on me?" he asked, eyes locking with hers again.
She looked away shyly as his eyes stripped her naked. "You're very difficult. Possibly even more than Touya."
He scoffed. "No one can compare to that bastard..." he murmured under his breath.
"Hey, you can't pick on him, remember?" she said, smiling at him.
He shrugged his shoulders, leaning back against the couch. "How am I difficult? I'm only being your patient," he said.
She shook her head, rolling her eyes. "You know how. Everything I say has to be an insinuation of sex with you, even though that's not what I mean."
He raised a brow in amusement. "I never said that though."
Her blush deepened. "You didn't have to. I know the look on a man's face when he is thinking about it," she said shyly.
"Oh, really?" he asked, a little surprised they were having this conversation with each other.
"Of course. I may seem dense and naive sometimes, but I'm no fool to the opposite sex."
"You're not as innocent as I thought you were, then," he said, staring in her eyes.
She shifted uncomfortably in front of him, but still held his gaze. "I think that's nearly impossible at this age."
"How old are you?"
"I'm 27."
His brows scrunched together. "How long have you been in practice?"
"It's a long story."
"I'm willing to listen," he said, smiling at her.
She nodded. "Well, long-story short, I've had my own practice for three years now. Before this, I practiced under a psychiatrist in an institution in Tokyo while I finished grad school. I...uh...graduated from undergrad a year early. After I finished, I came back here to practice, as it is my hometown," she explained.
"You're originally from here?" he asked.
She nodded. "Yes. I only went to Tokyo for school."
"Oh. Why didn't you practice in Tokyo? Surely you would have turned out more successful than you are here. It's a bigger city," he said.
"I know, but...it's better to be where you feel most at home..." she trailed off, eyes shifting from his.
"What do you mean?"
"I just didn't want to stay in Tokyo any longer after I graduated. My plans were to come back here after I finished anyway, so." She shrugged, offering him a fake smile that he noticed.
She took a deep breath, and then let it go. "Well, I think that we've had all the time we can get today," she said, standing from the chair.
Syaoran frowned, disappointed that she was bringing their session to an end. Could they even call this a session anymore, though?
He stood from the couch, turning to her. "Uh..." He took out double the amount of money and handed it to her.
"No, no, no. That is way too much. I only need half of that," she said, pushing his hand back gently.
"No. I want you to take all of it. Thanks for today...take it," he said, forcing the money in her hand.
He moved closer to her, but she moved back instantly. He paid no mind to it though, grabbing her wrist gently, pulling her towards him. He placed a kiss on her forehead, and then pulled away, looking in her eyes.
"I'll see you later," he whispered, holding back the smirk that wanted to play at his lips at her flustered face.
And then he left without another word.
Her heart beat against her chest rapidly as she walked through the hospital doors.
Sakura was nervous, edgy, and everything that was not herself right now.
She was afraid of running into the man she had seen almost a week ago in her practice. Even though they had not seen each other since then, he had called her every single day after that.
The conversations would always start with talking about his problems, but they always somehow shifted to other things that had nothing to do with the issue.
It was hard to believe that she even had the nerve to walk through these doors without feeling a trail of guilt behind her actions when she knew what she was feeling is wrong on so many levels.
It was not right to see a patient romantically, sexually, or anything that disregarded professionalism. There was no way she could stop these feelings, though.
It was one thing to know that a person was attractive, but to have the desire of acting on the attraction was another.
When she agreed within herself to help him, she did not think that he would cooperate this soon. She knew that he would, eventually, but not turn into this...prince charming guy who actually had a sense of humor. Or maybe this was all in her head, trying to make him be a good person at heart when he may not really be one. And maybe she should not think about this when she was going to see Akinari.
Sakura pushed the door open to Akinari's office and walked inside.
The first thing she noticed was the papers scattered over his desk and his head resting on his hand.
A smile crept to her lips at the sight as she slowly walked in the room quietly to not draw attention to herself. When she got to the front of his desk, he still had his head resting in his hand tiredly, so she reached across and grabbed his shoulders.
He jumped, startled by her presence in his office.
She burst out laughing, pulling a chair to the front of his desk. "What has you so deep in thought, Dr. Akinari," she said, putting emphasis on 'Dr.'
"Actually, you," he said, smiling at her.
Her head tilted to the side, confused by that. "What...about me?" she asked, almost suspiciously.
"Sakura, since Chiharu's surprise party, you've been in my office every single day." He let out a short laugh.
"So? Is there a problem with me wanting to see you?" she asked, looking at him sadly.
"Of course not, Sakura. You know that I would let you come in before any other person. Come here," he said, motioning with his hands for her to come behind the desk to him.
She shook her head. "Don't pity me..." she said weakly.
"I'm not. Why are you being so sensitive right now?" he asked.
"I'm not. You're insinuating that I'm coming here for a session..."
"I know that's not why you're over here. The conversation just turns into one without either of us noticing, which is fine. I love having those talks with you. I promise that I'm glad to see you. And I'm not tired of seeing you," he added the last part as a joke.
A small smile formed on her lips at the memory of her asking him if he was getting tired of her.
"Don't act so disappointed to see me then," she said, playfully glaring at him.
"I promise you I'm not. You're the only thing that's brightened my day so far, honestly," he said, winking at her.
She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "Stop it. You say that every time I come here."
"Because it's true, Sakura. You know where you stand in my life," he said truthfully.
She smiled at him reassuringly. "I know."
"Well, since you're clearly in a better mood today. Let's talk about Chiharu's party," he said, smiling at her mischievously.
She squinted at him before a smile played at her lips. "It was great. What do we have to talk about it?" she asked, heart racing at the thought of him mentioning the closet incident.
"You know what I want to know," he said, giving her a pointed look.
She stared at him for a while, but she could no longer hold his intimidating stare.
"I don't know what you're talking about," she said under her breath.
"You know more than myself, that I can tell when you're lying. Don't make me say it out loud now."
"No! Please don't..." she almost begged.
"Tell me what it was about then."
She sighed. "It wasn't anything."
"My boss being pressed against the woman that I've known for almost a decade is nothing?"
An ugly blush spread across her face. "He was not..."
"Oh, Sakura, come on. Who are you trying to fool? Me or yourself? I want answers, young lady."
She sighed and then released a loud groan. "It was only a coincidence that he was against me, okay? I promise that we weren't doing anything," she explained, almost believing herself.
It was true. She did not have any intentions to allow them to do anything more than that. Besides, his body had felt so go—
Stop it, Sakura!
"How do you guys know each other?"
"I met him at the hospital, Aki. You know that," she said, giving him a strange look.
"No, that's not what I mean, Sakura. You don't only know him as Touya's doctor."
She sighed, knowing that she would not be able to keep this from him. "Fine. I met him a few weeks before Touya's accident because of a small mishap that landed me in the hospital with a sprained ankle."
He chuckled. "Why am I not surprised?"
She pursed her lips, glaring at him softly. "Cut it out," she said like a little child.
"Well, that's how you guys met. How did you end up in that predicament in the closet, though?"
She dropped her head, disappointed that he had not forgotten.
"It's...complicated. And honestly, I don't know myself. I swear, it wasn't anything planned. It just...sort of happened."
"Okay...so how did you guys form any kind of relationship, though?"
She sighed, knowing that she would have to tell him eventually. After all, he was her therapist.
"He's a patient of mine."
"What?"
"Don't...go all judgmental on him. He has an issue...so he...came to me for help."
"What's the issue?" he asked.
"Aki," she called, staring at him blankly.
"What? What you say to me isn't going to be repeated."
"Okay? That still applies to my patients too."
"Fair enough. Still, that's not explaining the personal relationship."
Her eyes narrowed at him. "What do you want to hear me say?"
"I want to hear you say that you aren't interested in him."
"He's my patient. Of course, I'm interested in him," she said innocently.
"You know what I mean, Sakura," he said, giving her a pointed look.
She sighed. "I know. I'm only trying to help him..."
"But?"
"What do you mean, 'but'?"
"There's a 'but' to that statement. Is there something bothering you about the situation? Is he doing something you don't like? Has he already done something?"
"Aki, calm down," she said, giving him a soft laugh to show that she was okay.
He was always protective of her, but never this protective.
Their relationship went way back to undergrad when she took an advanced psychology course. He was a senior at the time, while she was in the second semester of her first year. They were put on the same team for a project and they ended up clicking fast. After that, they had always been inseparable.
"He hasn't done anything that I don't like..."
"Sakura..." he said in a warning tone.
"I promise."
"So that's what it is."
"W-what?" she stuttered.
"He's interested in you. Or, at least in sleeping with you."
She gasped. "Why would you say that?" she asked.
"I work in his hospital, Sakura. There isn't a woman in this hospital that he hasn't slept with," he said, frowning at her.
She pursed her lips, a little agitated with that information. She knew that he was addicted to sex, but was it really with every girl he came across?
"That doesn't matter," she said, attempting to sound nonchalant.
"Sakura, I'm going to be honest with you. As a close friend, I don't think that it's a good idea. He's bad news. Every single girl in this hospital has given it up to him multiple times and some even got hurt in the past."
"So, I'm every girl now?" she asked, offended by his statement.
"Of course not. I didn't mean it like that and you know that. It's just...you're a very good person, Sakura. Your heart is so pure...and he's...dark and manipulative. I'm not underestimating you, but he's...not good. I don't want you to be a victim of his schemes, Sakura."
"You're saying that I can't help him? That I don't take my job seriously? That I'll sleep with a patient?" she asked, raising her voice a bit.
"No, I'm not. I'm saying, as a friend who knows about this man, you shouldn't do it," he said.
"And as my therapist?" she tested.
He sighed. "As your therapist, as long as you're not putting yourself in danger, I support you. Wanting to help people is a good thing...and if you feel like you can really do it, then you should, but—"
"That's what matters then," she said determined.
He frowned. "What about as your friend, though? That doesn't matter?"
"Of course, it does, but I'm a psychologist. It's my job to take the broken and fix them. You know that more than I do," she said, hoping that he would understand the way she felt about this. She really did want to help Syaoran.
"Sakura, you know that I believe you can do anything. But this..." He shook his head. "You can't do it; he will ruin you. Your license will be on the line for termination."
"Stop it, Aki," she said softly.
He sighed. "Okay, Sakura. Don't say I didn't warn you, though."
"You're already telling me that I'll fail to help him?" she asked, glaring at him softly.
"No. I'm saying that you're failing to make the right decision with this."
"You're being unfair to him right now. Did you think that way when I came to you for help after everything that has happened?" she asked quietly.
"Of course not, Sakura," he said quickly.
"Then give him a chance to get the help he's crying out for..."
He sighed, placing his hand on top of hers from across the desk. "You're right. I'm sorry, Sakura. If there's anyone who could help him, it's you," he said truthfully.
She smiled at him, nodding her head determined. She would be the one to help him, no matter what she had to do.
"Are you sure about this, though?"
She nodded. "Of course. I've never been this sure about something in my entire life," she said with an honesty to her tone that he could not help but believe.
He pulled her hand up to his lips and kissed it gently. "Alright, Sakura. I trust you not to get yourself hurt again."
Her heart raced, a small sting with it.
She trusts herself not to get hurt again, too...
"Are you ready to talk more about the beautiful woman with raven hair and dark eyes?" Sakura asked the next day in their session.
He had come a lot earlier today than normal, asking if he could have extra time with her. He even offered to pay more money than he did the last time, insisting that she deserved more money for listening to his 'shit.' However, she told him that it was not necessary.
He sighed. "Do I have a choice?" he murmured.
"I want to tell you yes, but you know I can't," she said, smiling at him sadly.
He groaned in annoyance and beckoned her to come over to the couch beside him.
She hesitated for a moment, remembering Akinari's words. Even though she believed there was no way that Syaoran could ruin her, she could not help but feel cautious about him.
Everything that Akinari told her made perfect sense, but she knew that she would not let herself be one of the victims of Syaoran's schemes.
Even so, she still stood from the chair and walked over to him. She would still offer him the support and comfort that he needed when it came to his mental health.
Also, she had promised him on the phone that she would after he asked her to; explaining that he always felt better talking about things with her when she offered him comfort.
She may have been a fool to believe him, but something pricked at her heart, telling her that he meant it. So, she believed him. Shoot her.
What was the worst that could come out of offering him comfort and support? It was her job to do this kind of thing anyway.
She sat beside him, giving him a reassuring smile.
He took a deep breath, and then released it. "Okay. I'm ready. What should I tell you?" he asked, staring her in the eyes determined.
Her heart swelled a bit, proud that he was willing to open up to her now.
Maybe it was the phone calls. They were helping the progress to his health tremendously. He claimed that he had not had sex in three weeks now, so how could she reject the request to give him comfort?
It was already hard for a man to deny himself of sex, so she had to give something back to him.
"I know it may be a bit much for right now, but why do you hate her?" she asked.
He looked down at his lap, face hardening.
She felt a little guilty for springing the question on him like that, but she wanted to speed this process up a bit.
"Take your time," she said softly.
He closed his eyes.
She could only imagine how he felt right now.
This woman in his life...who was it? Who was she to him? What did she do to him?
Was she an ex-lover?
The way he described her last week gave away nothing she could work with. It was only one puzzle piece with nothing to connect with the others.
What was she supposed to do? Think?
"She..." His eyes closed tighter as if he were lost in thought about it.
She placed her hand on top of his. "I'm here, Syaoran," she reminded him.
She had already experienced first-hand when he left the real world. And she did not want to experience that side of him again.
He opened his eyes, looking in her eyes with a sadness clouding his own. "She didn't want me...love me. She took away that feeling that any person would want to feel."
Sakura's eyes softened, holding his hand a little tighter. "Syaoran—"
He shook his head, silencing her. "If I stop, I won't be able to continue..."
She nodded, closing her lips together.
"I loved her even though she never loved me. And the most fucked up thing about it is...she expressed how much she hate me through her actions. She..."
His hands grabbed a hold of hers tightly, almost crushing the bones of her slim fingers. She endured the pain for his sake, though.
"I think she hates me because of her last. It doesn't matter though. No one should have ever treated me the way that bitch did," he said angrily, glaring at the table.
Her eyes closed tightly as his grip tightened. Her hand flinched, attempting to alert him on how hard he was holding it.
Though he did not look at their joined hands together, he loosened his own, allowing some of the blood to rush back into hers.
"How did she treat you?"
"Like shit. Like she wanted me fucking dead...like she wished I was never alive," he whispered the last part brokenly.
Sakura frowned, putting a bit of the pieces together now.
To confirm her assumptions, she asked, "How long ago was this?"
"Sakura..." he said, almost warning her not to do this.
"Syaoran, how long ago was this?" she pressed, almost demanding the answer.
"I don't...I don't want to talk about this anymore," he said, shaking his head.
"Syaoran," she almost begged.
"No!" he yelled, pushing her hand away as if it burned.
Her jaw tightened and she looked away from him.
She knew that tone all too well. He would not be continuing with this conversation today.
"Okay. Let's talk about sex then," she said, changing the subject to get rid of the tension in the room.
"W-what?" he stuttered, looking at her.
"It's been three weeks and you haven't had sex. How do you feel?"
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Like shit."
"Is the feeling similar to the way you used to feel when she used to treat you terribly?"
"Yes. Maybe even worse," he said.
"Why is that?"
"Because...I feel shitty. I don't feel...loved. I've lost the feeling of...controlling something in my life. Without these things, how am I supposed to feel secured in life?"
"Sex isn't everything, Syaoran," she said softly.
He glared at her. "What would you know?" he asked, tone filled with hatred suddenly.
Her frown deepened, feeling like they were back at square one again. "Don't do that. I thought we got past this," she said.
He scoffed. "I did too, but I was reminded what you people were about. So damn predictable."
"What did I do, Syaoran?" she asked, confusion written over her face.
"Exactly what I said you would do." He stood from the couch, running a hand through his hair frustrated.
She stood up with him, nearly grabbing his arm so he would not leave.
She knew that he would do something irrational if he left right now.
"I'm sorry, Syaoran. I don't know what I said or did that offended you so much. Please, don't leave," she pleaded, almost desperately.
She was out of line right now, but what could she do at this point?
"So, you can get more money out of me? Afraid that I'll pay you less than I did earlier?" he asked vehemently, glaring at her.
Her heart stung, eyes watering at the harsh insult.
"Stop it. You know that's not what this is about, Syaoran. You know that..." she said, grabbing his arm when she saw him move to leave.
He snatched his arm from her, glaring. "Right. And I'm a fool," he said sarcastically. "Since it's so much about the money with you people, I'm willing to give 200,000 yen for you to have sex with me."
She gasped at that, tears instantly vanishing. Anger glided through every cell in her body at the insult.
"Get out," she said calmly.
"Oh, now you want me to leave because I've caught on to your manipulative schemes," he said, laughing humorlessly.
"No, I'm telling you to leave because I am not going to take your childish behavior. Get out!" she exclaimed.
He laughed. "I don't take commands from bitches. It's the other way around," he said, swiftly moving towards her.
Her eyes widened, but before she could retaliate, he was already pressed against her, holding her body against his.
She could not enjoy this the least bit after the disrespect he gave her and all the other previous women.
She pushed against his chest hard, beating her fist against it a few times in anger. "Leave. Now," she said, breathing hard.
"Fine. Your lost," he said coldly, pushing her away, and then leaving.
The moment the door slammed shut, she fell to the couch and placed a hand over her raging heart as tears welled in her eyes.
What the hell is this man's problem?
Syaoran slammed the door shut to his car when he arrived back at his hospital.
He was angry. Furious, even.
She did exactly what he claimed she would do. He tried giving her the benefit of the doubt, and now he regretted it.
How could she fail at the test?
He clearly showed disdain of her trying to dig into his childhood to see if it had anything to do with his behavior, yet she did.
He knew that she was trying to do it the moment she gave him that sympathetic, knowing look. And then she asked. She asked how long ago was the incident.
And he lost it.
He did not even know what made him angrier. Was it that she detected the source? Or that she proved him right about his assumptions of psychologists? Possibly that she already knew and wanted his agreement to her knowledge.
Either way, he was done seeing her. He was done with the sessions and her existence. She found out all she needed to know and there was nothing else that needed to carry on between them.
It had been three weeks now. It was time for him to take back what he gave away.
He unclenched his fists, strolling into the hospital confidently. Looking around, his eyes searched for a victim who would be able to take all his pent-up frustrations right now. But none came to view because only one woman occupied his mind.
He wanted to take everything out on her as he fucked her. Was that even logically possible right now?
He hated her again. He wanted to hurt her, which he was sure he did already with the cruel insults. But he wanted her to hurt more than he did right now.
The thoughts of that woman and the psychologist's realization hurt him more than he ever thought it would. So, yes, he wanted to take these emotions out on the psychologist.
She was, in fact the one who caused them to come alive again.
He rushed to the restroom and rubbed a good one off at the thoughts of him violating her body in a way it probably never had been.
After he finished, he went on with the rest of his day, demanding more from the workers and being as mean as he used to be to any who slacked off.
Syaoran ended the call for probably the 40th time that week.
It was Wednesday, one day from the day they usually met three weeks ago. Sakura had been calling him almost four times a day for the last three weeks, but he had been ignoring her.
He was serious when he said that he was done with the sessions, but she could not take the hint.
The woman was so persistent with him that he began to wonder if she was like this with all her patients.
He was a little surprised that she was the one pushing him to get help, when it should have been the other way around. He was the mean one, disrespecting her like she was not a human.
Why should he care how she felt, though? She caused these emotions to stir in him.
He was beginning to see her as a friend to confide in when it came to his emotions. A person he could trust with his darkest secrets, but she ruined it by acting as a psychologist.
Why did she have to act like a psychologist? She knew how much he hated those people, but she still treated him like a patient when he saw her as something more.
Sighing, he sat in the chair of his office and attempted to focus on all the paperwork that had been stacking up for the last three weeks.
He lost all focus after he stopped attending the sessions, and hating Sakura. Life was hard again.
Not only was the feeling of love and control gone, something else was missing. He could not put his finger on it, though. He felt...lost? And alone, again.
He felt alone all the time. Seeing and talking to her felt like he had someone to depend on. Without her, he felt...
What did he feel?
He dropped his head in his hand, groaning.
Thinking about her was beginning to give him a headache. This was the exact reason he stopped seeing her.
She made him feel too many different emotions at once, when normally, he felt none, but one. Pain.
And he was okay with it because he deserved it.
Six weeks...
It had been six weeks without sex.
If it were up to him, he would have given into the urge with one of the other women, but his mind could not wrap itself around being inside of another woman besides one. So he resorted to the new habit he had. His hand. Except, he used it twice as much as he did before.
What the hell was he doing? When was he planning to have sex again? And who would he—
The door to his office door closed, drawing his attention away from the thoughts.
And there she stood, dressed in an a pair of jeans and casual top, stirring the lost emotions that he felt three weeks ago.
Ahh! I know, late update, but I had finals all last week and a bit this week. I have been working on the chapters after Monday since that was the last final. Thanks to my beta, theDeviantme because she's been giving me extra time to write the next chapters!
Anyway! Thank you guys so much for the reviews, follows, and favorites. I've already started writing the next chapters, so you guys won't have to wait long!
Ja ne!