"What Feels Right Isn't Always Right"
Syaoran stared at her with a questioning look on his face, waiting for an explanation. He already knew what was coming.
"Y–"
She held a hand up, silencing him.
"Stop. Don't talk," she demanded.
He raised a brow, leaning back in the chair, while observing her appearance.
He was a little surprised to see her dressed in a pair of skinny jeans with a casual top on.
He almost came in his pants at the sight of her legs and ass on display for him.
Although he hated being told what to do, he remained silent, curious to hear what she had to say.
She let out a sigh. "I…thought about every reason why I shouldn't come here today. And honestly, those reasons override the reason why I should be here right now."
She looked at him, almost waiting for him to speak, but he remained silent, wanting to hear more of what she had to say.
Plus, it had been so long since he heard her voice...
He missed it more than he thought he did.
"I shouldn't be here, but I couldn't stop myself anymore because I never ignore my instincts. We were finally getting somewhere, Syaoran. You were starting to get better. You weren't having sex anymore, and you were happier than you were before. You told me all of these things but the answer to one question. All it took was one question for you to throw away all that progress?" she asked, staring at him with pain-filled expression.
He heard the lock click behind her. She was trapping him.
"Answer me, Syaoran. Right now," she demanded softly.
He swallowed, nervous suddenly. "Yes."
"Yes?" she asked incredulously.
"Yes."
"Yes, what?"
"It only took one question for me to see what you were all about," he said, hands clenching into fists on his desk as he thought back on the session.
"Syaoran, whatever assumptions that you have in your head about me needs to stop right now. I want to help you. No, at this point, I feel like I need to help you. This has nothing to do with the money, and it has nothing to do with me trying to get in your head. I wasn't trying to force you to tell me about your childhood." She stopped talking, walking towards his desk. "Please..." she begged.
"Please, help me. Help me help you. I want to help you as much as you want the help. You have to help me, though. I'm willing to help you however you want me to with this."
His heart beat faster, feeling overwhelmed by her confession.
His jaw clenched, eyes dropping to her body. "Okay," he said simply.
"O-okay?" she stuttered.
"Yes, but we do this my way," he said in an authoritative tone.
His eyes travelled up her body until they locked with her emerald jades.
"Sit," he commanded, motioning to the chair in front of his desk.
For a moment, it seemed like she would retort to the command because she hesitated. Instead, she sat in the chair.
"You don't talk, ask questions, or make a sound unless I tell you to. I will tell you what I want you to know, when I want you to know, and how. You don't rush me, nor do you demand anything from me. Is this understood?" he asked, staring in her eyes intensely, almost daring her to say otherwise.
He could see her throat bob, but she nodded her head silently. He closed his eyes, hiding the desire in them from her.
He felt aroused at her obedience, and could not help but feel obligated to tell her something that she wanted to know to reward her. Also, because she deserved one for coming here, reminding him that he did want help.
"Your question..." he said, taking a deep breath. He released it, unclenching his fist. "The question you asked me was incorrect."
She pressed her lips together tightly as if she were holding her tongue.
"You should have never asked that type of question. Instead, you should've asked, 'how long did that woman treat you like shit,'" he said.
His eyes fell to the rise of her chest that seemed to be breathing quickly. Was she just as aroused as he was right now?
"Ask me that," he demanded, testing to see if she would obey him.
She took her lower lip between her teeth for a second before she released it. "How long did she treat you terribly?" she asked shyly.
"That's not what I instructed you to ask me," he said, anger rising in his chest.
She swallowed, saying in a tight tone, "How long did she treat you like shit, Syaoran?"
He hardened even more at the vulgar language he forced out of her.
How could he have so much control over her right now when weeks ago, she allowed him to have none? If they continued this way, he would not mind telling her everything she needed to know.
This felt much better than her controlling the way he felt, his actions, the things he said. This was how it was supposed to be to begin with.
"Because she wanted…someone else," he said. Feeling like she earned more than that response, he added, "She loved someone else before me, but she…I was the second option."
She closed her lips tightly as if she were trying to hold herself back from asking what she wanted to know.
She almost looked miserable and desperate to ask, so he decided to put her out of her misery. "Ask the question," he said.
"Did she treat you this way when you were younger?"
His jaw tightened, teeth grinding together at the question.
She was here with him, alone in his office where he fantasized about her daily, so he could control his emotions this once. For her, at least.
"Yes," he said simply.
"Was it–?"
"Did I tell you that you can ask another question?" he barked, glaring at her.
Her lips shut tightly together, face hardening as if she were trying not to snap back at him. Instead, she took a deep breath and shook her head stiffly.
He slouched in his chair a bit, staring at her petite figure in front of him.
She looked so sexy across from him like that, hands clasped together in her lap, feet and knees pressed together in an orderly manner.
He had never commanded a woman to do something this submissive before, but he could not help but enjoy it even more, seeing that this was the one woman he wanted the most right now.
His hands clutched into fists, mouth wanting to tell her more, but he could not think of a way to tell her everything without killing himself in the process.
He noticed he was breathing faster than normal, heart beating erratically against his chest.
Did he really have to do this? He really wanted to...but, how would he?
"I…missed you," he said without thinking. "It's been harder than normal to get through my days since I stopped talking to you."
She remained silent, almost appearing as though she is waiting for more.
"When you..." He stopped, closing his eyes. "When I assumed you knew the root of the issue, I panicked. I didn't know how to react, so I assumed the worst about you. And I...said some hurtful things that were out of line."
What was he trying to do?
He looked in her eyes, noticing them soften, looking at him with compassion.
He could tell that she was forgiving him even though he had not apologized.
Maybe he did without saying the magic words, he assumed.
"Now that you're here, I've realized that I want to keep seeing you. I want to keep talking to you about my problem, and I do want help with it," he said sincerely.
He meant every single word he just spoke, but that did not stop his body from craving her right now. He only needed one thing to quench the urge a little...
"Talk," he commanded softly.
She released a sigh. "I'm glad you've decided this then," she said softly.
His heart warmed at hearing her voice. It always soothed him a bit.
"Tell me, did you miss me too?"
"I..." She stopped, cheeks forming crimson hues.
"Answer me," he said, encouraging her to continue. "Isn't that why you're here?"
She sighed, shaking her head. "I did miss you, but that's not why I'm here. I couldn't stop thinking about you—your health. You weren't in the correct state of mind when you left. I never let a patient leave on a bad note. I'm not supposed to, but you just...stormed out. And then you didn't answer my phone calls. It wouldn't have been appropriate to send a text, but I didn't know if you were okay. I couldn't ask around or it would have just brought suspicion on about my relationship with you."
She paused, dropping her head after he caught a glimpse of her tear-filled eyes. "It's been three weeks, Syaoran. I didn't hear or see any signs from you. I thought..." she choked back a sob. "I thought something happened to you. I thought you..."
He stood from the chair, heart tightening at her broken state. He felt guilt eat at his heart for putting her through this much trouble.
He walked around the desk towards her and stooped to the ground in front of her chair, grabbing her hands between his own gently. "Of course, I wouldn't kill myself, Sakura. I may have been...I wasn't in the correct state of mind, but I would never end my own life," he said gently. He squeezed her hands a little.
She lifted her head slowly, locking her eyes with his. She forced a smile on her face, nodding her head. She squeezed his hand a little in return, and then pulled her own back from his so she could wipe her eyes.
"Alright. I don't know why that was the first thing I thought. It would have been the first thing on the news, right?" she said, shaking her head.
He leaned up and kissed her forehead lightly. "Of course. I can't get away with something like that easily," he said, smiling at her.
"I don't know...you've hidden this problem for so many years now, right?" she asked, returning the smile.
He sighed, mood killed at the mention of his fucked up life. "It wasn't always hidden..." he said quietly.
"What do you mean?"
"When I first got here, I wasn't the smartest guy alive, you know? I didn't give a shit who I slept with. Remember the story I told you about the infection I got from a prostitute?"
She shuddered, but she nodded with a small smile on her face.
Her genuine expression caused his heart to feel overwhelmed with emotions at the honesty in her face.
There was no judgement when there should have been.
"Yeah, well, word got around after I slept with that prostitute because one of the women saw me leave with her. So, there was this rumor going around that I slept with anything that walked around with a cunt and tits," he said.
He almost regretted his use of words at the way she cringed at them.
"It's not a rumor if it's true, Syaoran," she said, smiling.
He glared at her softly. "The point is, the media found out. I got benefits out of it because more women were willing to give themselves to me because they knew I would fuck them, but it was a mess. Ms. Chiho was a lifesaver..."
"Ms. Chiho?" Sakura questioned.
"Yeah. Remember I told you about the single mom?"
"Oh! That's the one you were telling me about? I thought it was one of your old flings the way you were talking about her to me," she said with a giggle.
He chuckled, shaking his head. "No, no, no. Even if I tried, she would tell me no. She knows too much about me. She's just...someone I owe a lot," he said, thinking about everything the woman had done for him.
She touched his face, snapping him out of his reverie. "I'm glad you don't hate every woman you haven't slept with," she said softly.
His cheeks warmed at her soft caress. He looked in her eyes, trying to find any judgement there.
There was none.
"Can I ask a question?" she asked suddenly.
He nodded his head. "Of course. Anything," he encouraged.
"Don't get angry..." she said quietly.
"Ask the question, Sakura," he said. He hated when people beat around the bush about things.
"Did you...did she...did the two of you ever have a sexual relationship?" she asked.
He already knew who she was referring to.
His face churned in disgust. "God-forbid. I would never ever give anything to that bitch, even if I could," he said.
She released a sigh. "Okay, it's not that then," she said, almost relieved.
"What?" he asked, looking at her confused.
"Well, I thought...maybe when you were little, this woman you've been speaking about had done something along those lines to you," she said.
He scoffed. "Sakura, what do you not get along the lines that she treated me like shit? She did nothing good for me. Ever. She didn't want to bring any good to me, so why would she..." He stopped, face twisting in disgust again. "Please, don't you ever think something like that again," he said.
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"
He held a hand up, silencing her from speaking any further. "Your talking time is up," he said.
She sighed, closing her eyes with a frown on her face.
"To further help you understand..."
He swallowed, preparing himself mentally and emotionally to tell her this. He closed his own eyes, repeating over and over in his head how to say it with clenched fists.
I can do this...
"I've known her for most of my life. And she's..."
He opened his eyes, making sure that he had not died at the overwhelming emotions of fear and pain in his chest.
He was still here, which meant he was alright.
When he looked in her eyes, there was no judgement. Only curiosity.
"Your mother?"
His jaw set tight at that. "That bitch is not my mother," he said coldly. "And I didn't give you permission to speak."
He took a deep breath, trying to get his emotions under control before he took them out on her again.
She was finally here with him again. He could not risk her presence leaving his life again.
"Look at me," he commanded when she looked down. "Now," he pressed when her eyes remained low.
She looked in his eyes, and he almost saw a glint of regret in them.
"I'm not angry with you, okay? I'm just...overwhelmed with too many emotions right now. I haven't had sex in six weeks now, so I'm horny as hell. I haven't felt...useful in the last three weeks you've been gone, so I feel worthless. I haven't felt the touch of a woman to know what it feels like to be wanted in six weeks, so I'm lost, and we're talking about...that bitch, so understand it's not you, okay? It's never going to be you from here out, so don't take what I say personally, okay?" he tried explaining.
His walls were crumbling again. He was becoming a weak man all over for this woman again.
Why does he even feel the need to explain himself to her?
Because he wanted to, he concluded in his head. He was tired of having these mental battles with himself. It was time to let go and entrust himself with her.
She nodded, smiling at him sweetly.
He cleared his throat, eyes straying from hers bashfully.
Why did he suddenly feel nervous with her? It was not like she knew what he had just concluded.
"Come to lunch with me one day next week," he said, rather than asking.
"Syaoran, you know that I can't do that," she said in a disapproving tone.
"It can be on our Thursday next week then," he concluded.
"Syaoran—"
"We can talk sex–my condition. It'll be just like a session without the atmosphere of professionalism."
She frowned. "That's what we need to maintain some boundaries."
"I know your boundaries, Sakura. Even though I want to fuck you so badly right now, I've behaved myself, haven't I? I haven't made any advances on you today. Let me take you to lunch next week," he insisted softly. "I like and feel more comfortable without the professionalism. This..." he motioned to them and his office, "This feels better than your office. I feel more open to tell you more because of the comfortable atmosphere," he explained truthfully.
She sighed. "I don't normally do this..."
"I'll rent out a restaurant, just so it's just the two of us. No one will even know that we're out together," he said.
She sighed again. "One inappropriate move, statement, or thought, I will change my mind about it. I don't care if we're in the middle of our meal, I will leave," she said sternly.
A wide smile spread across his face and he grabbed her hand, kissing it gently. "I promise I will be on my best behavior, doctor," he said, winking at her.
Her cheeks turned redder than a tomato and she pulled her hand back, standing from the chair.
"I-I'm going to go. You should get back to work," she said frantically.
He smiled, watching her scramble out of the office nervously.
For the first time in three weeks, he got more work done than he had in a while.
'Should I pick you up?'
'Syaoran, this is not a date. We can meet at the restaurant.'
Syaoran frowned at that text message, typing another one.
'I never said it was a date. I just figured that it would be easier.'
'Well, this is not easy for me, so it will definitely not be easy for you.'
'Why is this not easy for you? Your sex-addict patient is eagerly trying to get your help with his problem ;)'
'Don't push your luck, buddy. I can still change my mind about this.'
'But you won't ;)'
He sat his phone down on the desk and filled out a few more things on the papers before his phone buzzed.
He immediately picked it up, reading the text from her.
'Syaoran -_-'
He chuckled at the text, remembering her anger-filled face from a few weeks ago when he insulted her.
'Fine. I will send you the address to the restaurant later.'
'Time? Lunch isn't at 8 'o clock in the morning, wise one.'
His pager went off.
'12:00 sharp. I have to go. I'm being paged.'
Not bothering to wait for a text back, he left the office, going to the floor he was being called to.
"We can't text every day like this anymore, Syaoran," Sakura said after swallowing her food down.
"Why not? It's not like there's anything inappropriate going on," he said, watching her eat.
He was being a little creepy, but what could he say? He only gets to see her once a week, so he has to suck in everything he could while he has the chance to.
"This," she motioned between them and the setting, "is inappropriate itself, Syaoran."
"You're thinking about it too much. And you're thinking too deep about it," he said.
She took another bite out of her pasta. After she swallowed it, she shook her head.
"I'm not. Do you let your patients take you out to lunch?"
"I've never had a reason to. I don't sit and talk with them about their mental health. I fix what I can physically and send them away."
She sighed, eyes scanning the room cautiously.
"I told you, I bought the place for the next two hours. There's nothing to worry about," he said softly.
She took a deep breath and then released it. "Okay. Can we begin the session now?" she asked.
He stared at her for a moment.
"What did I say?" he asked in an authoritative tone that he knew she was becoming all too familiar with now.
She sighed. He had to force back the smile at her obedience.
"So, today we are going to talk about you," he said.
"What?" she asked confused.
"I want to know you too."
"Syaoran, this isn't a date," she said sternly.
"I know. I think you've reminded me enough over the last week," he said, holding up a hand in defense.
"Then that isn't necessary," she mumbled.
"It is. I need a friend right now," he said honestly.
"What?"
He sighed, feeling his mood drop. "I want you...to be a friend. Isn't that what you're supposed to be?" he asked softly.
She bit her lip lightly, dropping her head a little. "Why do you need a friend?"
"Because it's hard to deal with my demons alone. They've resurfaced in my head since I've talked about..." His fist clenched on top of the table. "That bitch. I've never talked about her before..." he said the last part quietly.
He felt soft fingers grab his fist, gently pulling his fingers from the palm of his hand.
"You shouldn't do that. Physically harming yourself isn't going to stop the internal pain for long," she said, smiling at him sadly.
He released a breathy sigh, nodding his head. "It's..."
"I know, it's a habit. You need to break it or it'll increase. Have you always done that?" she asked, massaging the palm of his bruised hand.
He shook his head. "I mean, when I was younger...I did a lot worse than that."
Her massaging stopped, eyes locking with his seriously. "You self-harm?"
"Past tense. It was stupid, I know, but it felt good at the time..." he said, trailing off, deep in thought about the past.
Those were the times when things were a lot worse for him, so he resorted to harming himself as punishment, believing that he deserved the pain. Overtime, he fell in love with the feeling.
"Why did it feel good?" she asked quietly, abandoning her food.
"Because..."
His heart tightened, thinking back on the traumatizing moments of every single part of his past.
"Physical pain feels better than emotional pain, you know? I know I'm supposed to say the physical pain distracts me from the emotional pain, but..." He thought about it for a moment, concluding his reasoning. "It didn't. I liked the physical pain more," he said.
He looked in her eyes, searching for any kind of judgement again.
There was none.
To break the awkward tension between them, he forced out a laugh. "You're probably thinking I'm some sick masochist, right?" he asked jokingly, but deep down inside, he feared she would say yes.
Her eyes remained lock with his as she shook her head. "Of course not, Syaoran. Don't ever think I'm judging you, okay?" she said, massaging the soreness from his palms.
A small smile crept to his lips and he gave a short nod. He swallowed the knot in his throat, shifting under the table a bit uncomfortably.
This was probably the hardest he had ever been before. He wondered what was different this time.
"I just hope that you aren't still..."
He grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently. "Of course not. I don't know why I... I didn't even notice that I was doing it, really," he said.
"You've been doing it in every encounter that we've had," she informed him.
He hummed, picking his glass of water up with the other hand, bringing it to his lips to drink. He set it back on the table silently.
"I didn't do it before I met you, for sure."
"Have you done any surgeries since then? I know your hands have to work in the ER, right?" she asked.
"I performed surgery on your brother and sister-in-law, remember?" he asked.
"Well, yeah. I mean, you haven't had any problems? Your hands look..."
For the first time, he looked down at his hand in hers, observing it.
There were healing bruises, fresh cuts from his nails, and fresh, new purple bruises all over the palms of his hands.
They look horrible.
"Honestly, I haven't noticed. Is that normal?" he asked, curious as to what was normal about him.
"Well, I sprained my ankle and noticed the pain easily."
"Yeah, but I'm normally distracted. My thoughts are filled with..." He stopped, not wanting to ruin his chances by telling her that it was of him fucking her. "Sex and work. And... sex," he said, smiling at her.
"Really? I normally have a lot on my mind too, though," she said.
"Yeah, but not like me. What could you possibly have on your mind that would distract you from physical pain?"
"Well, I have patients that I worry about too. Apparently, they just come in with too many negative emotions, and abruptly leave with the wrong mindset." She gave him a pointed look. "And it's hard to separate your personal feelings from your professional ones. I see over 40 patients a week. They all have different problems, some worse than others, but they are still problems. Taking on the emotional stress from others, while taking on my own is hard sometimes, you know? It's not always easy, so yes, I do have things that could distract me from physical pain."
He stared at her for a moment, concluding what she said. "So…it's not normal?" he asked.
"I guess it depends, really. Do your hands hurt now?" she asked.
He thought about it for a moment and then nodded his head. "Yes, a little."
"See? It's like...when you cut yourself on accident and you don't notice. When you see the blood, you notice the cut, and the pain suddenly follows right after that," she explained.
Slowly, he nodded his head, realizing how accurate her explanation was.
"That makes a lot of sense then."
"In most cases, like mine, that was direct pain that I experienced, so of course it hurt like crazy, because I saw it first-hand. It was like my mind took a picture of it and told my ankle to hurt," she said, smiling at him.
"Do you starve yourself?" she asked suddenly.
"What?" he asked, confused by her sudden shift of conversation.
"You order food, but you never eat any of it. This is the second time that I've noticed. Also, you didn't eat at Chiharu's surprise party either."
He chuckled, shaking his head. "You sure notice a lot..."
She picked up her chopsticks and began eating her own food. "Habit, remember?"
He smiled, nodding his head while watching her eat. "I remember you telling me that a few weeks ago," he said.
"Now, are you? Or is this part of the pain you love feeling?"
"No, I'm not starving myself, Sakura." He smiled at her. "I just...find other things more interesting than eating when you're around," he said, staring at her heatedly.
She blushed, looking away to eat her food.
"Look at me," he said softly.
Slowly, she looked up at him. "Are you ready to talk now?" she asked quietly.
He sighed, already knowing what she was referring to. "Fine. Today we will talk about my family," he finalized.
Her face lit up, showing her excitement for it.
There was a fluttering sensation in the bottom of his stomach at her pleased reaction. He suddenly wanted to cooperate with her.
"I have four sisters who I don't see often. Well, I've never really been able to see them often, even as a kid."
"Are they older than you?" she asked.
"Yeah. I'm the youngest out of the bunch, so you can only imagine how it was like being the only guy in the family."
She smiled at that. "What do you mean the only guy? What about your dad?"
He shrugged nonchalantly. "He was around sometimes, but not as often as one should be. Also, you aren't allowed to ask questions," he said.
A cute pout formed on her lips as she took another bite out of her food.
He smiled at the adorable act, holding himself back from taking her already.
"I don't really remember much about my family. I can't recall any...bad incidents that happened between us," he said thoughtfully. "I do remember my sisters being sent off to boarding school when I was five? I think I was five."
She remained silent as he instructed, but she looked interested to hear more.
"Anyway, I was so...devastated when they left. Even though they tormented me, I was...I don't know. I was in between, maybe. One side of me was happy because all the harassment they placed upon me would be gone, but the other part was...I think it was sad. I can never remember, though."
Sakura hummed, appearing deep in thought.
"Tell me what you're thinking about," he said gently.
She shook her head. "It's nothing."
"Tell me," he pressed.
"It's nothing, Syaoran," she said a little stern.
His fists clenched under the table, growing furious with her. "Sakura," he called warningly.
"You haven't mentioned anything about your mother," she said quietly.
He swallowed, shaking his head while shrugging his shoulder nonchalantly. "Because I don't have one."
"What happened to her?"
"Does it fucking matter?"
Sakura frowned at him. "You can't demand me to tell you something, and then become upset about it."
"I can do whatever the fuck I want to do," he said in an anger-filled tone.
"Okay..." she said calmly.
His mood was sour again. Why could she not just avoid saying things that triggers him? It seems like she knew all the right things to say to hurt him.
"I do have a question, but it's on a different topic," she said.
He debated whether he wanted to hear it. He had already let her one time and she somehow ruined his mood. Why was she so good at that? And why does he keep allowing her to hurt him?
"What is it?"
"Why? What is up with this control thing you have going on here? Why are you doing this?" she asked, shaking her head in confusion.
"Because I like it better this way. There will be no surprises when I am the one controlling these sessions. There's no way for you to get into my head, control my emotions—the way I feel about certain things. It's like I have control over what I feel, think, and act. When you lead the sessions...it feels like you are taking that right from me..." he said the last part quietly.
"But I don't. Only you have control over those things, Syaoran. You shouldn't let—"
He glared at her, silencing her talking. "Well, I do. I never know what to expect...how to expect it, and..." He closed his eyes tightly, hands trembling a bit at faint memories he never wanted to think about.
He shook his head, getting rid of the thoughts. "I like having control over something—someone," he concluded, to avoid going in-depth of the past.
"Were you controlled by someone previously?" she asked almost hesitantly.
His face twisted and he shook his head. "Hell, no. Do you think I could live with myself if that were to happen?"
She smiled at him sadly. "Okay, Syaoran. I just need to understand why you're this way," she said.
"This way? What the hell do you mean by that?" he asked defensively.
She sighed. "Nothing."
"Will you fucking stop doing that? You're killing me," he said frustrated.
"I'm trying to cooperate with you," she said with a similar tone.
"How? You've said nothing to help the way I've felt today," he said, raising his voice a bit.
"Syaoran, please. I don't want to do this today..." she said softly, placing her hand over his clenching fist.
He sighed, pulling his hand away. He just wanted to tell her everything, help her understand. How was he supposed to do that?
"Look, Sakura, I—"
His pager went off, interrupting him.
He sighed, standing from the table after he placed the money on the table.
"I have to go."
He left before she could respond.
Syaoran called Sakura for the third time the next day, hoping that she would finally pick up. He was skipping out on lunch with his employees to talk with her, but she still had not returned any of his calls.
He glanced at the clock to see that it was 12:03pm. There was no way that she could be busy at this time because it was lunch hour.
It was not like he wanted to talk on the phone the entire hour, even though he would not mind, but he only needed to talk with her for a few minutes. He wanted her to know that he was not upset with her after their session at the restaurant.
He was a little afraid that she would stop talking to him because of what he told her. The words had been ringing in his ears since he left that restaurant, despite the fact that he did not even mean them.
She did make him feel better yesterday, not the opposite. He was angry when he told her that she did nothing to make him feel better. Now he was afraid that he possibly ran her away again.
He began to wonder if there were some kind of gods out there playing with his emotions.
There was a long buzzing sound on the desk that drew his attention away from the thoughts.
Immediately, he picked the phone up, looking at it.
'Sorry. I've been with patients all morning. What's up?'
He smiled to himself, holding on to the phone a little tightly.
She was not upset with him.
He quickly sent her a text back, 'Can I call?'
It was only a minute later when his phone began to ring.
He picked it up after the first ring.
"Sakura," he said, relief washing over him.
"What's wrong?" He heard her soft voice ask over the phone.
He shook his head as if she could see him. "Nothing's wrong. I just…I wanted to make sure that we were okay," he said nervously.
She giggled on the other line softly. "Are we not supposed to be?"
"I was…I was rude and out of line again and I didn't know if I offended you or not."
"You told me not to take the things you say personally."
He smiled, glad that she actually listened to his advice. He did not know a woman who would actually believe him when he says things like that. This was another reason why he wanted to keep seeing her.
"You're right. I still wanted to make sure. I didn't get to call sooner, or after the session because the hospital has been busy, and I had to attend a fundraising brunch yesterday a few hours after I left," he said with a sigh.
He heard her giggle over the phone again. "I'm not very fond of socializing with people of high authority, so I pity you."
He sighed again. "At times like those, I wish that I'm not the chief over a hospital," he said truthfully.
"There are the perks of being chief too, so you can't let those few boring things outshine the good."
A smile slowly came to his face. "I guess you're right."
"When am I not right?" He could hear the playfulness in her tone.
He chuckled. "Are you busy right now?" he asked.
"I'm hungry," she told him.
"Let's eat then. I already have my food in my office with me. Go and get yours," he suggested.
In all of his days, Syaoran had never come up with something like this on the spot before, so he was a little surprised when Sakura agreed to do it.
And that was how he spent the rest of his lunch break. Talking on the phone with her, abandoning his food on the tray.
'I'll be there in five minutes.'
Sakura smiled at the text, setting the phone on the desk. She could not stop the giddy feelings that she had been feeling for the past three weeks since Syaoran decided to continue seeing her.
She knew that she should not feel this way, but she was already past the feeling of guilt.
Underneath the layers of thick skin, Syaoran was a really soft person.
It had only been two weeks since the session at the restaurant, but they had seen each other more than they should have. After that Thursday, he called, semi-apologizing for his behavior, and then she ended up seeing him a few days after. He had somehow convinced her to do it, though it was almost impossible to convince her to do anything because of her stubbornness.
Syaoran was getting through to her. He was using his condition to his advantage, telling her that he needed to see her or he would have sex. She knew that he was being manipulative, but what could she do when he begged her like that? Constantly called her phone, sent multiple texts on top of texts?
She ignored most of them, but the man was so persistent that she never really had a choice. Whenever she answered the call, she could feel herself becoming more and more interested in him. And it was not in a way that she should be.
She could not figure out what was wrong with her lately. Calling him up like that because she was worried?
She worried about her patients constantly, but never did she ever worry herself near to death after Syaoran ignored her for those weeks. What was she thinking?
She acted out based on her personal emotions, rather than the professional ones.
She would never show up before at a patient's job to see if they were okay. And of all the people, Li Syaoran? One of the most admired people in the town.
She wondered how she could be so stupid, and even felt a little embarrassed because of her actions. She felt even more embarrassed at her submission just so he would keep seeing her.
It was supposed to be about the patient, but she had never allowed a patient to tell her what to say or do. As a matter of fact, she never even had a patient who did such a thing.
What is she doing?
The door opened before she could think of an answer to that question.
Her heart skipped a beat when a smile formed across his lips as their eyes locked.
He was in a good mood today, just as he had been since their encounter after the restaurant.
They had been getting along great and their sessions had not been getting into heated discussions. That was only because she avoided talking about the woman who somehow corrupted his view of everything in life.
Even though he talked to her about everything, he always avoided the topic of said woman. It was okay, but today would mark nine weeks since they started these sessions, so she needed to see more progress with him.
She was a little surprised that he had not had sex with anyone. She wondered how his hands still worked with all the self-pleasure he told her he had been doing.
Three times a day was already too much, but to find the time to do it every single time he became aroused was insanely bizarre. It was better than him sleeping with multiple women at a time, she reasoned.
"Syaoran," she called softly, smiling at him kindly.
"I missed you," he said, winking at her.
She blushed, heart beating against her chest rapidly. "You just saw me two days ago, Syaoran." She laughed at the pretend glare he threw her way.
She wanted to remind him that he told her that it was crazy to want to see a person so much, but she decided against it.
"So? You know how I feel around you," he said quietly.
She stood from the desk and walked over to the couch with him. "Too many different emotions at once?" she questioned.
"That doesn't necessarily mean that they're all bad," he said, sitting on the couch.
She sat beside him, keeping a distance between them that was comfortable enough for them both.
"I know. This conversation is not why you're here, though," she said, smiling at him to show that she meant no harm by it.
He sighed, leaning back on the couch. "I know, I know. You don't have to remind me," he said disappointed.
"What are we talking about today?" she asked.
"Sex," he said.
"Aren't we always?" she asked playfully.
He smiled. "I guess so. That's why I'm here, if I'm recalling correctly."
"I think we know everything we need to know about sex now."
"Oh yeah? What's the problem here, then?" he asked with a smile.
"You use sex to help you feel the lost emotions in your life. From the things you've told me over the past few weeks, I want to say that you also use it as a distraction to the negative emotions that you feel."
He nodded, smiling at her. "I can admit that some of those are true."
She glared at him playfully. "Some? What is false about that explanation, sir?"
He hummed, appearing deep in thought. The concentrated facial expression disappeared soon, replaced with a smile.
"You're right. I just never noticed it that way," he said.
"And that's why I'm here. I'm supposed to help you realize the issue behind your actions."
"You're a doing a hell of a job then," he praised.
A blush spread across her cheeks as she looked down at her hands bashfully in her lap. "Since I'm right, master," she said playfully. "Can you reward me?"
She was taking it a bit far, but it was always too easy to be herself around him.
There was a mischievous glint in his eyes at the use of words as he turned them on her.
He gave her a heated look, eyes raking over her body slowly.
Her skin tingled under his gaze and she had to hold back a satisfying sound that would let him know that his heated gaze was having an effect on her.
"What kind of reward do you have in mind?" he asked in a sultry voice.
Her insides stirred at his tone, body growing hot.
She ignored all of this.
"I want to know more about the woman," she said.
The heated gaze instantly vanished from his face, replacing it with a hard stare.
She almost regretted asking the question, but she stood her ground.
There would be no distractions today with side conversation. Things needed to speed up a bit.
His jaw clenched, eyes straying away from hers. "What would you like to know?" he asked tightly.
"You're the boss. It's whatever you want, remember?" she asked to make things better for him.
She knew that it would not be easy for him, but if she pushed him a little further today, she could get the answers she desired.
She could see his throat bob from swallowing. "She...she...she...she..." His breathing began to grow uneven, head shaking. "I-I don't know, Sakura. I don't know what to tell you," he said truthfully.
She did not want to be forceful with him, especially since he pressed on the issue that he needed to feel like he was in control of the sessions, her actions, and words. What choice does she have at this point though? She wanted to put his thinking to rest for a bit.
"What is she to you?" she asked.
His fists clenched at the question tightly, eyes glaring at her.
He was trying to hurt himself again.
"Of all the things, why would you ask that?" he asked tightly.
Her heart broke at his facial expression.
She really wanted to know who this woman was to him. Every time she asked this, he would become cold, distant, and mean. The woman must have been someone important to him. But what? What could she possible be?
"I'm sorry, but I—"
Her body was forcefully slammed into the couch under her. She opened her eyes, looking up into his as his body hovered over hers, holding her in place. The way his body pressed into hers lit her on fire, loving every bit of it. But it was wrong.
As if her body knew this, her small fists punched into his chest repeatedly as she tried to push him off her.
She immediately knew what he was trying to do.
He had come so far at this point, but he was trying to break the streak of no sex.
She felt his warm hand rest on her covered thigh, lighting the skin underneath her pants on fire.
Her eyes shot opened at the stir it caused in her loins. "Stop it, Syaoran!" she yelled, looking in his dark, unfocused eyes.
He was out of it — in one of his sex-crazed zones.
If she were being honest with herself, she does not know if she was more scared that she would give in to his advances, or at the fact that he would allow the urge to control him again just so it could distract him from his emotions.
"Syaoran," she called as her fists continued to slam against his hard chest.
She pushed with all her strength to snap him out of the trance. "It's already been twelve long, tortuous weeks of nothing but my hand...and you're making me talk about that," he said weakly.
He took a hold of her small fists and pinned them down to the couch.
"You can't use sex to help you cope with your emotions. Stop it!" she said, fear seeping in at the thought that he would.
She looked up to see his eyes shut tightly. When they opened, her heart nearly shattered into pieces at the glistening spark in them.
"Please, Sakura. Just...please," he begged, leaning down to brush his lips against her cheek.
This only added fuel to the fire in her body as a red blush spread across her skin.
It had been so long since she did this...felt this desired by a man.
But just because she has not engaged in sex for a long time, does not mean that she should jump at every given opportunity that was presented to her.
She wanted him too, but there was no possible way that it could work between them.
He was her patient, for crying out loud! These thoughts alone were wrong.
She struggled under him, eyes closed tightly so she does not have to look at the tears of pain, grief, and longing for love in his eyes.
She could not sympathize with him right now. Feeling sorry for him would just get her into trouble. Plus, he needed her more than ever now.
She felt his lips begin to drag down her face slowly, making every inch of her skin tingle.
"Stop it, Xiao Lang!" she yelled angrily. And the trance was broken.
He looked in her emerald eyes that were staring at him surprised by her actions.
Almost immediately, her hands were dropped from his iron grip and his body abandoned hers.
On shaky arms, she lifted herself from the couch and scooted away from him. Every movement felt like needles were being pricked into her skin from the guilt.
He turned to her. "Sakura, I..."
He reached for her, but she automatically flinched back from his hand.
From the expression on his face, she knew that she broke the remaining pieces of his heart.
"I... I'm sorry. I don't know why...I don't know what happened."
A single droplet rolled down his cheek, surprising her almost as much as it surprised him from the expression on his face.
"Syao—" She stopped, at a loss for words at the sight.
He reached up and touched the wet trail on his cheek, freezing at the wet feeling.
"Syaoran—"
"I have to go," he said, abruptly standing from the couch.
Before she could speak, he rushed out of the building.
"Oh," she sobbed, feeling guilty for her stupid reactions.
She could only imagine how he felt right now. She had a front row seat when he announced his fears of those emotions at that name, at the rejection; yet she was the one person who made him feel those things.
Syaoran had not bothered to go back to the hospital because he was not in the right state of mind. He felt vulnerable right now, weak to the point where he could barely find the strength to breathe.
This was not who he was supposed to be anymore. But she had done it. She had used that tone of voice with him, just as that woman had. She used that name that she knew he hated with a passion. She blatantly and purposely hurt him.
How could he get mad at her, though? He deserved it. In fact, he deserved much more than this pain because he felt that he was the definition of shit, and possibly more.
"Barcadi," he said to the bartender who looked at him expectantly.
The man behind the counter nodded and turned to fix his drink. It was still day out, but what shits did he give? He wanted everything to end. The pain, the sorrow, but most of all, his life.
He could already barely breathe, so what was the point of living with this heavy weight on his chest? His heart was broken, preventing him from doing anything more than barely breathing.
All his life, he liked to believe that his heart drove every motive. His actions, words, and thoughts. And now, it was broken. What was the point of living?
"Here you go, sir," the bartender said, sliding the glass of alcohol towards him.
Syaoran gladly picked it up, bringing it to his lips. Before the glass could meet them, a familiar, soft hand grabbed his arm, pushing it down to the table, stopping him from drinking it.
He did not bother to turn around and look at the person, fearing that the annoying, salty liquid would form in his eyes again.
He knew that he crossed the line, but it was never intentionally. His desire for her increased, and she was there, forcing him to talk about his past.
Then she used that tone...with that name that she knew he despised with all his heart.
It was cruel to try and seduce her, but she had been just as cruel, using his weakness against him to her advantage.
"Syaoran," she called softly behind him.
He ignored her, keeping his back turned to her.
She removed her hand from his arm. "I'm sorry..." she whispered brokenly, close to his ear.
He shivered, hardening in his pants at her hot breath against his skin.
He wanted to turn around and tell her that it was okay, but the sting in his heart reminded him that he must not forgive her so soon or she would feel okay to do this again to him.
He tried to reason with the voice, but it was impossible for him to.
One motion.
One motion was all it took to wash away the hesitancy to forgive her because the moment he felt her arms wrap around him, he forgot his aching heart.
The pain and sorrows disappeared when he felt her soft breasts press against his back as he sat frozen on the stool.
"You don't want to do this – alcohol. Just don't," she whispered in his ear.
His eyes drifted shut on their own, enjoying the sensation of her breath against his skin.
Not able to speak, his head gave a slight nod.
He gently grabbed her arms around him, loosening them so he could turn around towards her on the stool. When they locked eyes, there was a silent agreement between them. He took the opportunity and wrapped his arms around her gently.
Feeling her arms wrap around him, he held onto her tighter, resting his head on her soft breasts as she rested between his parted legs.
"I'm sorry," he heard her murmur over and over in his hair.
Her slim fingers slid into his soft, chestnut hair, caressing it lightly.
This was better than anything he ever felt before.
It was probably the most loved that he ever felt in his entire life, all from a simple hug.
A hug from a psychologist, the fake, greedy, manipulative people.
Her body pressed firmly against his, fingers tangled in his messy manes, and arms wrapped around him tightly, diminished those false assumptions about her.
She was different from the rest. Different from any other person in his life.
Realizing this only scared the living day lights out of him, so he pulled away from the hug regretfully.
His eyes met hers after locking on her lips.
She lifted her hand, caressing his cheek. He noticed it wet again.
"Come on," she said.
Her hand slid down his arm, creating a tingling trail behind it. They landed in his own. She pulled on his hand, making him stand from the stool.
He watched her dig into her bag, bringing out her wallet to place money on the counter.
She tugged on his hand, encouraging him to follow her, which he did.
Once outside the bar, she turned to him. "Did you drink anything else before I arrived?"
He nodded his head slightly before deciding to test out his vocal chords. "Just one shot," he said, a lot quieter than he anticipated.
She sighed and looked around. "I can't drive you home. Are you going to be alright?" she asked, ducking down a little to look at his face.
"Yes."
"You know what, I'll call a cab for you," she said, reaching in her bag to grab out her phone.
He gently grabbed her arm, stopping her. "I'm fine, I can drive home," he said.
"That's so irresponsible of you," she scolded softly.
"I'm fine," he said and turned to leave.
He was fine. Why is she treating him like a baby? It made him uncomfortable.
He heard her groan behind him. "Stop, stop, stop. I'll take you home," she said, catching up to him.
He looked at her wide-eyed. "It's...fine," he said slowly.
"It's not. If something happens to you, I'll feel like I'm the one to blame," she said.
He stared at her for a moment, trying to make sense of her decisions right now. He knew that she was only doing it out of the kindness of her heart, but he does not deserve this treatment from her. Especially with the way he has treated her from the beginning.
He had repeatedly disrespected her when she only showed compassion to him. There was no way he could allow her to treat him this way.
"I'll be fine," he said, walking ahead of her.
"Syaoran," she called softly, causing him to halt in his tracks.
"Let me do this, okay? As an apology for my inappropriate behavior."
His heart sank at that. What did she mean by that? It was he who had been inappropriate this entire time.
In mere seconds, he was at her side, gently grabbing her face, forcing her to look him in the eyes.
"I should be the one apologizing," he said softly. "I'm sorry..."
She grabbed his hand from her face and smiled. "Well, I'm still not letting you drive with any alcohol in your system," she said, giving him a pointed look. "I'm not taking no for an answer, mister."
He sighed, giving in because she was right.
That was the last thing he needed to happen. He could almost see it in bold letters. 'Li Syaoran has been in an accident under the influence of alcohol.'
Her smile widened as she grabbed his hand.
He groaned in annoyance at her happiness of the little control he had given her.
She dragged him to the car and he slipped in the passenger's side, buckling up. She opened the door on the driver's side, getting inside. She turned to him patiently.
He told her the directions to his place until she had everything memorized.
She cranked the car up, only making all the nerves in his body panic.
She would only take him home and leave.
Take him home and leave, he chanted over and over in his head.
When they arrived at his apartment ten torturous minutes later, he got out of the car after thanking her.
To his surprise, she got out of the car as well.
"I want to make sure you get in safe," she said, smiling at him sadly.
He sighed, feeling guilty that she still felt bad about her slip up.
He nodded, allowing her to do whatever she needed to do to wash away the guilt.
He could not stand the thought of her feeling bad for something that he did to himself.
They walked up the flight of stairs to his room. When they reached the top, he turned to her and gave a small smile. "Thank you, and..." He paused, brows scrunched together. "I wanted to apologize about earlier. I had no business trying to..." His cheeks warmed in shame and embarrassment.
"It's fine. I'm proud of you. It's been twelve weeks – three months," she said, giving him an encouraging smile.
"You're right," he said with a sigh.
Silence followed that, creating an uncomfortable tension between them.
Sakura cleared her throat. "Well, how about you give me a call tomorrow when you have to go into work, and I'll pick you up so you could get your car," she offered.
He sighed, shaking his head. "I can't let you do that."
"I'm insisting," she pressed.
"Okay, but this is the last time you're extending a helping hand to me," he said.
Unconsciously, he hardened at how dirty it sounded even though that was not the intention.
Giggling, she shook her head. "Alright, Syaoran. I'll see you later."
She turned to leave.
Without thinking, his hand shot out to grab her arm, stopping her.
"Sakura," he called.
Turning to him, her head tilted to the side slightly, eyes silently asking what he needed.
"I... can I..." he stuttered nervously.
What was he even trying to ask?
Eyes taking in her innocent, beautiful face, he knew exactly what it was.
Without any trace of hesitation, he gently pulled her to him, closing the gap between their bodies, and then their lips.
When he felt her relax in his arms, everything else was forgotten.
This chapter turned out a lot longer than I expected it to be, but what are your thoughts on it? I know I ended it on a cliffhanger, but lets ignore that for now :P. I just have to do add a bit more to the next chapter, but it's already done!
Anyway, as always, thanks to my beta, theDeviantme! She's the one who has to read the rough side of the story :P. Also, thank you guys for reviewing too! Reviews are what keeps an author motivated :).
Just to keep you on the tip of your toes even more, the next chapter does reveal who the 'her' is in Syaoran's life ^_^.
Don't forget to drop a review!
Ja ne!