"Their Little Secret"
Sakura knocked on his door. When he did not respond, she knocked again harder.
Her foot tapped impatiently on the ground, heart racing at the thoughts of the possibilities that could be holding him up.
When she received no response again, she grabbed the knob and pushed it open.
She was a little surprised that the door was already unlocked, but felt that this was okay since he sounded like he was in trouble. She wondered why she always had to justify everything she did with or for him, wrong or right.
She walked in cautiously, closing the door behind her. She was sure to lock it this time.
"Syaoran?" she called, setting her keys and purse on the little stand by the door.
When she did not get a response from him again, she walked further into the house, to the living room.
And there he was, head buried in his hands.
She sighed, walking towards him. She touched his shoulder and he jumped.
"Sakura," he said, grabbing her wrist tightly.
She sighed once again, yanking her hand back when she felt her heart flutter at the contact.
"Why did you call me, Syaoran?" she asked in a disapproving tone.
He laughed uncontrollably. "Because I figured it out!" he said excitedly.
She looked at him strangely, wondering why he was overly happy.
"Figured what out? Whatever it is could have waited until Tuesday. I told you that I don't work on Saturdays, and you've—"
He burst out laughing, interrupting her.
She immediately knew there was something really wrong. He could barely contain his laughter.
He was never this 'happy' around her. He may have smiled or chuckled, but never laugh like he heard or saw the funniest thing in the world.
Something was definitely wrong.
"Syaor—"
"Yelan," he said with a straight face, but then he broke out into a grin.
Her brows scrunched together in confusion. "What?"
"That's the bitch's name. I figured out why she hated me," he said, smiling at her.
She froze, eyes taking in everything in the room. There were shattered pieces of glass all over the floor, broken lamps, flipped desk and tables. Everything was in disorder besides the couch. The room smelt of cigars, vodka, and something she was not familiar with.
However, she knew that this was not the same man that she had known for the last couple of months.
"Are you high? Drunk?" she asked, feeling anger rise in her chest.
"Of course not. Come here, baby," he said, grabbing her wrist.
She pulled back from him, giving a disapproving look. "No. Why are you drinking?" she asked, a frown pulling at her lips.
"Don't you want to know what I figured out?" he asked sadly.
When she heard the tone of his voice, she knew that it was time for her to leave.
This was how she ended up in his bed last time, also how she ended up in his house.
She looked at him, heart tightening at the sorrowful look in his eyes.
This was not about her and the way she felt anymore, though. She was trained to put others' feelings before her own, so she could do this for Syaoran.
She sat down beside him, ignoring the guilty feelings of abandoning him on this couch seconds ago.
"What did you figure out, Syaoran?" she asked quietly.
Alcohol always did this to people. It made them feel vulnerable, open to spill secrets that were meant to be kept from all.
Sakura knew this, so she does not understand why she would let him do this right now. What is wrong with her?
He grinned. "You have to give me a kiss first," he said, pointing to his lips.
The beating of her heart sped up, but she ignored it as she always did.
"No."
She has self-control, she mentally reminded herself. She has this under control. Even though they were in his house alone, she would make sure that nothing inappropriate would take place, as ironic as it sounded.
He pouted, grabbing her hand. "Please? How about just a kiss on the cheek?" he bargained.
She raised a brow at him, lip turning up in amusement at his behavior.
She should have felt frightened right now, but for some reason, she felt like she was in the safe zone.
She had to suppress a grin. "No, Syaoran."
"Please?" He looked at her with his amber eyes pleadingly.
She looked away immediately, not wanting to get caught under the spell that he seemed to cast on people with those eyes.
Not her though. She may have slept with him, but it was not because she was smitten with him. She had met dozens of men who look attractive, but she never gave in to their advances.
Syaoran's silent plea for love is a far cry from the rest of the men's, which was why she felt that it was okay to have sex with him.
"No kisses. If you ask again, I'll have to leave," she threatened.
She did not mean it, but she wanted to elicit a reaction out of him.
He grabbed her wrist tightly, holding onto her like she would disappear into thin air. "No, don't...you can't leave like she did," he said quietly.
She turned to him with a serious expression on her face now. "She left?"
His eyes darkened, face growing gloomy. "I was...eight. It was my birthday...and the day that..." he trailed off.
She noticed his hand turn into fists, fingers clenching so tight that his knuckles were white. She knew exactly what he was trying to do.
Sighing, she dropped her hand on top of his, gently squeezing his fist to get his attention.
He looked at her, releasing his hands from the tight grip. He was breathing heavily, trying to catch his breath.
She could only imagine the way he felt right now. She wanted to make him feel better...
She squeezed his hand again a little before letting it go. "Come here," she said, patting her lap.
He looked at her strangely for a moment before he realized what she meant.
He leaned down, resting his head in her lap.
She slid her fingers in his hair, gently caressing his scalp.
It did not take long for him to relax in her lap with his eyes closed peacefully. She could even see a small smile on his lips.
"Whenever I got upset, sad, or hurt, my dad would always place my head in his lap to massage my head. It always soothed me, helped me feel better and forget about the pain," she explained, running her fingers through his hair soothingly.
He made a slight grunt, letting her know that she was heard. The sound almost gave away his satisfaction with her skills.
She knew it was working because shortly after, he let out a slight moan.
She continued to rub soothing circles on his head slowly as she thought about everything.
Maybe she had been a little too hard on the man lately. He was a sick man. She could cut him a little slack.
He had been doing better lately. He wanted her around, and he always seemed eager to talk about things with her. He was not having sex with anyone, but he still felt the urges all the time. The fact that he was able to maintain some control was a lot for a person with his condition.
She sighed when she noticed his breathing became even. Was he sleeping?
She stopped stroking his hair, but he let out a disapproving sound to prompt her to continue. She smiled and gently pulled on his hair.
He sighed, smiling. "I only drank a few glasses of alcohol," he confessed.
She continued the soft strokes, letting her fingers slide down to the little hairs on the back of his lower neck.
He shivered, goose bumps breaking out on his skin.
"Why?" she asked calmly.
"Because I wanted to have sex—w-with you. I haven't had sex since we slept together..." he said quietly.
Her cheeks warmed at the thought of them having sex, and the information that he had just given her.
Having sex was not good for him at the moment, but the fact that he had not tried to sleep with anyone else caused her stomach to flutter and her heart to leap.
"Why did you suddenly want to have sex?" she asked.
He chuckled, turning over in her lap so he could look up at her. "Because I was thinking about you. In fact, I'm always thinking about you. You're like... every breath I take. You're..."
She placed her fingers on his lips to stop him from further speaking. She kept in mind that he was drunk right now. There was no reason for her to let him spill how he felt about her. Listening to him would be like she was taking advantage of him because he was not sober.
His hand moved up to grab hers, turning it over so he could kiss the back of it.
Immediately, she pulled it back to avoid letting her body do the decision-making.
He sighed when she resumed caressing the little hairs on the back of his neck. "I smoked seven cigarettes," he told her.
She stopped. "Syaoran," she said in a scolding tone.
"I'm...sorry. They calmed me down a bit," he said.
"You know more than I do when it comes to drinking and smoking excessively."
He sighed exasperated. "Stop fucking judging me," he said irritated.
"What?" she asked, confused by the sudden change in his mood.
"You're fucking judging me. Just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean that I have to live by what I tell my patients not to do. Call me hypocritical if you want to, but you have no right to judge me," he said, getting ready to sit up from her lap.
She gently gripped his hair, stopping him from sitting up. "Stop it right now," she said sternly.
"I—"
"No. You can't push me away by being cruel. You don't get to do that anymore," she said, gripping his hair tighter.
His face remained neutral, showing that he was not affected at all by her tight grip.
"Okay," he said simply.
She let out a relieved sigh that they would not go back to square one.
She was tired of this little game that he had going on between them.
At this point, he was in, or he was out. In this case, she was giving him no other option but to be in, whether he wanted to be or not.
"Now tell me why you wanted to have sex," she demanded.
She knew that his body only became aroused because of something that triggered it. She just came to his mind when he realized that his body was aroused, but there was something that triggered it.
She had caught on to the patterns of his behaviors now.
He sighed, closing his eyes. "Okay..." he said.
He was quiet for a while as she repeatedly ran her fingers through his thick hair.
She was willing to wait for him to speak. He was still intoxicated, so she did not want to push him.
"Every year on my birthday, she would give me something – like a gift, I guess. A sick, fucked up gift that... that she knew I would be reminded of every single day of my life," he said, almost sounding like a robot.
He chuckled, shaking his head in her lap. "That's not what got me aroused, though. I figured out why she treated me like shit."
He had said this already.
Her patience was normally strong, but with him, it always seemed to shrink a ton. She always wanted to know more, but it always felt like he offered so little with her.
But she waited. She waited until he wanted to tell more.
"She punished me as a punishment on herself for having me. Maybe I've always known this, but when I got to drinking, it hit me. It hit me hard, and I..." He shook his head. "No, it hurt like hell," he said, voice cracking a bit.
"Did you talk to her about it?" she asked softly, not wanting to come off as pushy.
"I think I had a flashback of a conversation that I overheard with her and...the shitty psychologist," he said with disdain. "Or, maybe the alcohol is putting things in my head. I don't know, Sakura, but it was there. The conversation was playing in my head. Tell me I'm not insane," he said, sounding frustrated with himself suddenly.
Her fingers moved down to his face, cupping his cheek. "You're not insane, Syaoran. It wasn't the alcohol, okay?" she said honestly.
He sighed in relief, leaning into her touch. "Thank goodness. I was starting to think that I was really going insane," he said.
"Of course not."
He smiled at her, closing his eyes. "You...are amazing," he praised. "You're the only person who can make me feel this way."
She was flustered, but she still ignored the tug in her stomach, and the urge to lean down and kiss the man.
"Good," she said softly.
"Mm..." he moaned, closing his eyes at that.
She was sure he was sleep this time.
Syaoran stirred in his sleep, releasing a strained moan.
His head was pounding, thanks to the killer headache he got from god-knows what.
"Welcome back to the real world, sleepyhead," he heard a familiar voice say.
And then he felt her fingers pull from his hair.
He sighed, sitting up from her lap. He looked at Sakura, and then the living room.
"I...don't know what's happened here just as much as you don't," Sakura said.
That was right, he remembered calling her after he drank a few glasses of vodka.
He cringed inside, thinking about the disgusting alcohol.
He hated alcohol. It was one of the things that he hated the most because of the disgusting taste.
But why would he pick up the bottle that had been abandoned for so long in his refrigerator?
What was he thinking? Feeling? Seeing?
His insides began to twist in knots at the unsettling feeling.
"Syaoran."
He turned to her, hoping she could give him the answers. "What did I do?"
She touched his face, smiling at him sadly. "Wrecked your place if it's not obvious."
He rolled his eyes at her sarcasm, lying his head back down on her lap.
It felt like a hammer was beating against his head.
She placed her hand back on his head. "No, you called me."
"Why?" he asked.
"Because you 'figured it out'," she quoted.
He sighed again. He did not even want to know what it was anymore that he 'figured out'. It was probably something he did not want to think about.
Besides, he had her here. In his apartment...
His heart nearly jumped out of his chest, body suddenly feeling giddy at her here with him.
"I'm glad you're here," he said, lifting his hands to grab hers.
For a moment, she tried to pull it back, but he held onto it tightly. He did not want to let her go yet.
"You know that I'm not supposed to be," she said in a tone that she would accept no arguing.
He ignored it, though.
"You don't understand how much I've been craving to have you here again."
She sighed. "Let me go."
"No. You aren't leaving me," he told her.
"I never said I was, now let me go."
He smiled, releasing her hand. "I have a headache right now, but later let me take you out to dinner."
"This is my day. Sakura day. What did you not get from that phone call a few weeks ago?" She sounded a little annoyed with him.
Why should he care, though? She was here with him, just as he wanted.
"That I'm taking you to dinner tonight, Sakura. Please? I haven't had any time with you today-"
"That is your problem. How dare you call and interrupt my day because you want to get your way?"
Now she sounded furious. She even acted on her emotions because she gently pushed his head off her lap so she could stand.
He was up on his feet in mere seconds, grabbing her so she could not leave.
Seeing her try to leave was hurting him more than he thought it would.
He wrapped his arms around her body tighter. "You're right. I'm sorry..." he apologized sincerely. "But please...please, stay with me. I'll do whatever you want," he said.
He wanted to kill himself for sounding so desperate for something from her. What was it, though?
Her body relaxed against his. "Please let me go, then," she said.
He could feel a huge grin spread across his face.
He placed a silent kiss on the back of her neck and then released her.
"Lie down," she said, motioning for him to sit on the couch.
"Are you going to run away?" He looked at her serious, holding onto her hand.
She sighed, giving him a small smile. "I'm just going to look in my purse to get you Tylenol for your headache."
He released her hand, sitting back down on the couch. "Okay, go." He motioned for her to leave the room.
Once she disappeared, he leaned his head back on the couch, exhausted.
He looked at the clock on the wall to see that it was three in the afternoon.
The last time he looked at the clock, it was only around eleven. Had he really slept for that long?
He sighed, annoyed that she was taking so long to get back to him even though she had only been gone for a couple of seconds.
Okay, one minute and fifteen seconds, but he was not counting.
The longer her absence lasts, the more his headache becomes severe. He began to think that it was not because of the mini hangover either.
Two minutes and thirty seven seconds now.
His leg began to bounce impatiently. What was wrong with him? He had never been a patient man, but it seemed like he had zero patience when it came to her.
He would give her forty-five more seconds, he decided.
Almost immediately after that thought, he changed it to thirty seconds, and then fifteen.
Before fifteen seconds even hit, he stood from the couch, holding his head with a strained face.
Forgetting his own pain, he walked out of the living room, stepping over the mess. He headed to the kitchen where he heard her distinctly talking...to herself?
He stopped at the entrance and listened to her, hiding from plain sight.
"Sorry I left so abruptly," she said.
He heard the water running for a moment.
"I...um...had to pick up a package. I forgot I put an order in."
She was quiet for a moment before he heard her melodious laugh.
His heart raced at the sound, a warmth spreading through his body. Who was she on the phone with that made her so happy?
"I'm not lying, Aki. The call was an emergency."
Aki?
Another few seconds of silence passed.
"After I picked the package up, I had to drop some paperwork off to one of my patients."
He sighed, feeling himself grow annoyed with her and the other person on the phone.
He asked her to stay with him, so he could talk to her, spend time with her. Not listen to her conversation with whoever bastard was on the phone with her. Who did that person think they were anyway?
They had no right to call her phone when he was around.
"Yeah. I'll see...?"
Before she could finish the question, he walked into the kitchen with a scowl on his face.
"I'll see you tomorrow. Love you," she said, hanging up the phone quickly.
He stared at her, jaw clenching. He was trying to hold his tongue.
She let out a short, awkward laugh. "I told you that I would bring you pills," she said, awkwardly holding up the bottle of pills and cup of water.
"It sure as hell didn't look like it. Who was that?" he asked, cutting straight to the point.
If she cooperated and answered all his questions correctly, he would not snap at her.
She looked confused now. "What?"
Now she plays dumb...
"On the phone," he said, nodding his head at the counter to her phone.
She gave him a strange look for a moment. "Akinari?" she questioned.
He saw red.
"Are you fucking kidding me, Sakura?!" he bellowed.
She looked taken aback. "What?"
"That's what you do now? Come to men's homes and talk on the phone with other men you're fucking?" he asked, breath coming out harsh at the anger rushing through his body.
She awkwardly laughed, trying to get rid of the awkward tension in the room.
It did not work, though.
"I don't know what you're talking about—"
"You're fucking him while you're fucking me," he said, heart stinging at the voiced words.
Why did he suddenly feel like he was being cheated on?
"I'm not...what are you talking about, Syaoran? I'm not sleeping with anyone, including you," she said, giving him a pointed look.
He did not believe her one bit.
"Don't lie to me, damn it."
He moved closer to her, grabbing her phone.
She snatched it back from him immediately. "This is my phone and stop it," she said, placing her hands on his chest when he got extremely close to her.
"Are you fucking him, Sakura? Answer me," he said through clenched teeth, pressing her against the sink with his body.
She blushed, sliding her hands down his chest a little.
He stifled a moan, eyes closing at the stir her fingers created in his body.
How could anything matter when she touch him like this?
"Answer me," he demanded when she remained silent. "Sakura!"
She looked up at him, face flushed with a scowl on her. "Why does it matter?"
Why was she being so complicated? Did she not see the distress he was in with not knowing this?
His fists slammed against the counter beside her. "Stop it!" he yelled. "Tell me, damn it. Please," he said the last part desperately.
"I said I'm not sleeping with anyone," she said calmly, pushing against his chest to move him. He did not budge though.
He looked in her eyes, searching for something that would give away her honesty.
For the first time, he found it.
He sighed, leaning his head against hers. "Okay, good. I don't want you talking to him anymore," he said in a finalizing tone.
She stared at him, looking a little surprised by his tone more than anything. "Excuse me?"
"You're not allowed to speak with that son of a bitch again," he said sternly.
He was playing no games here.
"I'm leaving," she said, pushing against his chest harder now.
He grabbed her hands, placing them on the counter behind her. "Like hell you are. Tell me that you won't see or speak with that bastard again. Is he the reason you ignored my calls this morning?" he asked, fingers clenching her hands that he had pinned against the counter behind her.
"This is not up for discussion, Syaoran. Now, let me go," she said.
He could see the panic in her eyes, despite the calm tone that she had right now.
"Sakura," he called sternly.
"Syaoran! We are not going there today. I will leave if you don't release me," she said, voice rising bit.
At the mention of her leaving, his fingers clamped down on hers a little tighter, but he let her go.
She pushed against his chest, so he moved back.
She released a shaky breath, closing her eyes. "If you're going to keep behaving this way, I can't keep seeing you."
His heart dropped. "W-what?"
"I love my job and I can't afford to lose it. If you're always going to behave barbaric, then I won't ever feel comfortable being your therapist."
Immediately, he felt guilty. "Sakura..."
"I didn't say that I would stop being your therapist. In order for this to work, you have to make me feel comfortable. And you can do that by behaving yourself... now, here." She handed him three Tylenol and the glass of water.
He accepted and swallowed them down in one swift motion.
"I'm sorry...I..." He suddenly felt disgusted with himself.
He never apologized before, but he had already apologized a good amount of times today to her. What was wrong with him?
"I'm sorry. I can't help it..." He was being honest. He did not know why he acted this way with her.
He wanted her to himself because she was...
She was his safe haven.
"Please. I'll behave myself as best as I can..." he said sincerely.
She sighed, nodding her head even though he had not directly asked her to stay.
Her stomach made a weird, grumbling sound.
She blushed, looking away shyly.
"Have you eaten anything today?" he asked.
"I was getting ready to before you called. I've eaten half a croissant," she said.
"That's hardly food. Fuck my headache. We can go and get something to eat now," he said.
He was relieved that the conversation shifted to one of comfort.
This was the exact reason he loved her around. Yes, she did make him open up to her and become a vulnerable man, but in the end, they would always revert to the comforting friendship that somehow formed over the last couple of months.
She always seemed to be in a battle with herself. One minute she was telling him no, being angry, and then the next, she would tell him yes and become very caring with him.
Which was she? Angry or happy?
Perhaps she was both, he concluded.
"That's not necessary—"
"I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm going to go and change. Do not leave without me."
He left without getting a response from her.
Their relationship may have been bipolar, but he found comfort and something that he never experienced before, so he was alright with it.
It was no surprise that Syaoran had abandoned his food again. He was watching and listening to her talk about her week.
Why did he even suggest getting food when he never even touches the plate?
Once again, he rented out the entire restaurant to make her feel comfortable with him. He knew that she took her job seriously, so he did not want to risk her losing her license because of him. That was what he told her, at least.
It was not like the entire town knew that he was her patient. In fact, no one knew, as far as he was aware.
It was their little secret.
"Can't you pretend to be interested in what I'm saying, at least?" she asked, smiling at him.
"I am. I heard every word you said," he said truthfully.
How could she even begin to think that he missed a single word, or syllable that left that beautiful mouth of hers?
"What am I talking about then?" she asked playfully.
He smiled, headache completely forgotten. "You have this case with this fucked up patient who's having these dirty thoughts about little kids," he said, face twisting in disgust.
"Syaoran, you shouldn't title a mental patient as 'fucked up,'" she said, putting emphasis on the last two words.
What was it that gets him turned on when she swore?
"I don't agree with pedophilia, but people with this disorder truly can't help it. While it's unpleasant to think about the things he's thinking about, I can't help but feel like he isn't such a bad person. He hasn't acted on the thoughts, and he took it within himself to seek help before he does. He doesn't want to be that way, so he's getting help," she explained to him.
He wanted to judge her for thinking this way about a man who has disgusting thoughts about children, but how could he when she dressed it up so nicely?
She was just a naturally good person at heart.
"My point still stands. He's fucked in the head," he said, in attempt to hide his admiration for her kindness.
She pursed her lips, looking at him with squinted eyes. "I've been very tempted to bring some soap and water with me to wash that dirty mouth of yours," she said with a smile.
He chuckled, hearing the humor in her tone. "You would know how dirty this mouth is, wouldn't you?"
He regretted it the moment it came out, but he could not take it back.
She was quick to respond, which surprised him. "You don't have to remind me, Mr. Li," she said, smiling at him a little to let him know that she was only joking.
He smiled, shrugging his shoulders. "Let's be honest. Not even soap and water can clean this mouth. Especially not when it's already been on your hot, delicious-"
"And it ends there. My point is you don't refer to people with mental issues as 'messed up.' That's why so many people with mental disorders are ashamed, embarrassed, and depressed. When they hear things like that, they restrain themselves from getting help, in fear of being judged."
He thought about it for a moment, letting everything she said sink in.
He did feel embarrassed and ashamed of his behavior. However, depression was one thing he does not experience anymore.
"So what are they, then?" he asked, eyes narrowing in her direction.
She giggled. "Normal people, Syaoran. They're not animals, or whats. They're humans and whos."
He smiled. "So how should we refer them, old wise one?" he asked in a playful tone.
"Normal people with problems like every other person. Everyone deals with different problems every day, including myself."
"I get it. I'm still fucked up in the head, though," he said, shrugging.
"Syaoran," she said, silently scolding him for his language.
"Right. I'll work on it," he promised.
She smiled, looking satisfied. "Good. No more swearing, drinking, or smoking for the meantime."
"What about fu—sex?"
She sighed. "I've figured out the problem because of the patterns, so y..." She stopped, looking deep in thought for a moment. She shook her head as if she changed her mind. "No sex, either," she concluded.
She picked up her glass of wine and took a sip from it, looking a little guilty. He could tell that she was, but why?
He groaned, lifting his left hand up to look at it. "You see this hand here?"
She stared at him strangely, nodding her head slowly.
"It's the same hand that I've been abusing my dick with," he said, annoyed.
Her cheeks turned a shade of red, and she giggled. "Abusing? Okay. What is your point?"
"I'm a man, Sakura. Every time I use this hand, I'm taking off the life of my manhood."
She raised a brow. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"I'm a man who needs to have sex. Real men don't jack off like they've just hit puberty," he explained.
"Syaoran, married men still pleasure themselves," she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Well, they're not real men. And I'm not a married man, so you can't compare me to them."
She rolled her eyes, smiling at him. "Have you ever been married before? I mean, I've never heard anything about it."
He shrugged, wondering how they got on this subject. "Nah. I've never thought about it before because it's too much. I've had my share of girlfriends, so I know what I want in a relationship. However, I doubt there's anyone out there who can handle me."
"Oh yeah? What do you want in a relationship?"
He looked at her, wondering if she was faking interest, or if she truly is interested.
He shrugged again. "I know that I don't want someone who wants me to quit my job. Uh...don't want someone who wants an excessive amount of attention, want kids, after money, and I guess the most obvious, a disloyal bitch." He looked at her as soon as it came out. "I mean, woman."
"You don't want kids?"
He shook his head. "Hell no. That is the last thing I want," he said bitterly.
"Why?" she asked softly.
"Because, I..." He shook his head. "Just no. Besides, I wouldn't be a good father."
She smiled at him sadly. "I think anyone can be a good parent."
"You're telling that to a guy who was raised by a fucked up parent," he said calmly.
They were talking as friends right now. Not as patient and therapist, so there was no reason to feel angry with her...right?
"What happened to your dad?"
"Nothing. I just...it's not that he wasn't a great dad, but I didn't see much of him. And whenever he came around, it was mostly for that..." He stopped, shaking his head. "Syaoran and child equals disaster. You want kids, don't you?"
He already knew the answer, so why did he even ask?
"I imagine myself having kids one day. I'd like to be married first, though."
He smiled, feeling his heart beat faster. She was not taken, at least.
"Are you thinking about it?" He found himself asking.
She shrugged. "Maybe one day. I asked you because you're getting old," she said, winking at him.
His cheeks warmed, looking away. "I'm not. I'm only twenty-eight," he said defensively.
"Right. Open your mouth," she instructed, holding up her chopsticks, full of spinach.
He looked at her strangely. "What?"
"You're eating today to put me at ease. Now open up," she said, pushing the food towards him with the chopsticks.
His cheeks warmed a little more, but he still opened his mouth.
She smiled, placing the spinach in his mouth.
His lips closed down on it, taking the spinach off to chew.
She watched him closely as if he would secretly spit the food out if she looked away.
He swallowed it down, staring in her eyes intensely.
"See? It wasn't that hard, was it?" she asked sarcastically.
He rolled his eyes. "I told you that I'm not starving myself, Sakura."
"Well, I want to see you eat." She paused for a moment. "I mean, you need to eat."
He smiled, leaning on the table with his elbows. "You want to see me eating?"
He gave her a heated look, which she looked away from, as usual. He briefly wondered if she could hear his heart beating right now.
"I didn't mean it like that," she said quickly.
"Like what?" he asked, smirking at her blushing face.
Was she aware of what he had in mind?
"I just meant that it would put me at ease, seeing that you do eat."
"You've seen me eating before."
He suppressed the chuckle at the way her face turned a darker shade of red.
"Not..."
"Spinach is good, but... I'd rather eat and taste something else," he said in a low, dark voice.
She took a deep breath and released it. "U-uh...so, you've been doing fine?" she asked distracted.
"I don't want to talk about my problems, therapy, or anything that has to do with my issues. I just want...to talk."
She nodded. "Okay. What do you want to talk about?"
He was caught off guard by that question. He never knew what to say when people ask that.
"Can we talk about...what happened?" he asked hesitantly.
She sighed, looking away from him shyly.
"Please...look at me. When you look away like that, it makes me feel like you're ashamed of what you did with me. Do you regret it?"
"I don't regret it...but I should—"
"Look at me, damn it," he said softly.
She sighed and looked at him. "I should be ashamed of myself. I have every right to be. I had sex with a patient," she whispered the last part.
He frowned. "Am I really just a patient?"
"No. You're becoming a very dear friend to me now, but—"
"Then stop titling me as your patient. It..."
He stopped, not wanting to tell her that it hurt, or made him feel rejected.
"It what?" she asked.
He shook his head. "Was I not good enough? Did you not feel good? Did you fake all those orgasms? Please, tell me what it is," he begged.
Here he was again, sounding desperate and asking for her approval. Why did it even matter?
She placed her hand on top of his, squeezing it gently.
Unconsciously, he unclenched his fist. "Tell me about it, Sakura. Please..."
She sighed. "No, no, and no. I didn't fake anything and you were good...great. It was amazing, Syaoran. It wasn't supposed to happen, and that's the problem," she tried explaining.
He turned his hand over to hers, grabbing it gently. "But it did. What's wrong with accepting that?" he asked softly that it almost made him question who was talking.
"Accepting it is like saying that it's okay to do," she said in a small voice.
He sighed. "I know it's not okay, you know that it's not okay—we both know this, so what's the problem? We've both acknowledged that it's wrong, so why are you not accepting it?"
She sighed after him, nodding her head. "I know. I just..."
He grabbed her hand, and brought it to his lips, kissing it. He looked up, locking eyes with her. "It didn't feel wrong, so it isn't wrong. My gut told me that it was right when our bodies joined each other. Isn't there a saying? Like, trust your gut feeling or something?" he asked, confused.
She smiled a little, shaking her head. "Yes, but—"
"Can you tell me how you felt? I couldn't tell what you were thinking, feeling, or...anything. It's been driving me crazy..." he said, running a hand through his hair.
"It was...great, Syaoran. What are you expecting me to say?" she asked, a little cautiously.
"Why did you sleep with me?" he asked the million-dollar question.
She sighed, using her chopsticks to pick up more spinach. She motioned with the chopsticks for him to open up.
He allowed her to feed him for a little while before he had enough. "Are you ready to tell me now?" he asked.
She sighed once again. "Because I wanted to...and it felt...right at the time," she said. However, she was quick to back up her answer. "That's what the flesh does to us, though. In our minds, we know something is wrong, but because it feels good, we tend to ignore the mind and think that its right since it feels good."
"You're right," he said quietly.
"I know—"
"But you said it felt right. Not good," he said.
She remained silent for a moment, appearing as though she was taking in what he said.
"Yeah, but it's the same thing," she reasoned.
"It's not, Sakura. Me being buried deep inside of you feels good, but my mind tells me that it's right," he said.
He briefly wondered what the purpose of this conversation is.
She would not sleep with him anymore, so what was he trying to prove?
He looked at her flushed face, taking in her appearance. How could he not bury himself deep inside this woman again? There was no possible way that he could live without doing it again with her.
"Tell me something," he said suddenly.
"W-what?"
"What are the patterns of my behavior? You've done enough assessments, or evaluations, even though you don't use that annoying clipboard when I'm around," he said.
"W-well...I don't think that it's necessarily sex that you're after," she said.
He raised a brow, leaning back in the chair. "What do you mean? I love having sex," he said.
"What I mean is...you just use sex to make you feel better. If you haven't noticed, you only become aroused when you're in a state of mind that's not to your liking," she explained.
He thought about it for a moment, but could not help but disagree with her. In all honesty, she was right. However, he could not erase the thoughts of the way he felt the day they had finally had sex. For some reason, he felt like he did not have sex with her because of that explanation.
At any other time, he would agree to that, but the thought of their first time together...it did not feel right to think that he only slept with her because of his condition.
He felt confused now.
"But..." He stopped, refusing to tell her this.
She did not need to know that it was different with her.
"Syaoran," she called softly.
"Yes?"
"There's this group that I have. We get together every Friday evening at six..."
Suddenly, he knew where this was going before it even started.
He shook his head, glaring at her. "No. Fuck no, Sakura. How could you even suggest me going to your little get together to wallow in self-pity?" he asked angrily.
"It's not to wallow in self-pity—"
"I don't fucking care. How dare you feel okay to ask that?"
He was upset with her now. He felt offended that she would ask him to join a group of people who talked about their problems together as if it were nothing. She knew how he felt about this.
"Because I think that it will be good for you. There are people going through the same thing that you are going through. You can relate to people and not feel like you're alone anymore," she tried saying.
However, what she had said went through one ear and came out the other.
"So you're going to sit here and compare me to other fucked up people? You think that's okay?" He frowned with an angry glare on his face. He reached over, grabbing her hand on the table. "I have you, and that is enough to not make me feel alone in this," he said sincerely.
She turned her hand over, grabbing his hand in support. "I know, but group therapy really would help out, Syaoran," she said softly with a smile.
He sighed, closing his eyes. "What did you not get when I said that I didn't want anyone finding out about this?" he asked, tightening his grip on her hand.
"It's a really small group, Syaoran. There's one girl, and three guys. They're all dealing with the same thing as you, and no one would judge or give away anything," she said.
He released a loud sigh through his nose. "No thank you, Sakura. I don't have time to share secrets," he said in a finalizing tone.
"You don't have to share secrets, Syaoran. You could just listen and—"
"No! And that's final," he said sternly.
She sighed, nodding her head.
There was an awkward silence that passed between them for the remainder of their dinner.
"Thanks for dinner. I had a nice time," she said formally.
Syaoran turned to her and sighed.
They were sitting in his car, by her car outside his apartment complex. They had not really said much to each other after the little argument of him attending the group therapy. It was driving him insane.
"Look, Sakura, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to disregard your help back there," he said quietly.
She stared ahead at nothing in particular blankly, saying nothing.
"Sakura, please talk to me," he whispered desperately.
A few more seconds of silence passed before she turned to him.
He stared into her eyes, surprised to see passion and...lust?
She unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over towards him to capture his lips with hers.
Surprised by the sudden kiss, he did not have time to respond because she pulled back after a few seconds.
He looked in her eyes, aroused by the lust in them.
She closed the gap between their lips again, kissing him softly.
He let out a low growl when she bit his lip a little hard. Reaching on the side of his chair, he pulled the lever to slide the seat back. He moved his hand up to caress her face gently.
After a few seconds of making out in the uncomfortable position, she climbed over to his side, resting her bottom on his lap, straddling him.
He opened his eyes, catching her wince. He brought his hands down to her bare legs, adjusting them to get rid of the discomfort from the seatbelt.
After she relaxed against him, sitting completely on his erection, he pulled her face back down to his so he could kiss her with as much passion as she did to him.
His hands slid up her legs and skirt, directly to her ass, grabbing it hard.
He kneads it for a minute over her lace panties until he had enough of the thin material.
Hooking his fingers around the material, he yanked them down her cheeks only half way, due to her sitting position.
He pulled his lips from hers, breathing heavily. "Sit up," he instructed.
She sat up a little, but lost her balance, falling against the wheel. She jumped at the loud honk, moving back from it.
He chuckled, kissing her neck to take her mind off the small accident. He licked up the curve of it before latching his mouth on it.
She moaned, sliding her fingers in his hair to hold him there.
He sucked hard, and then nipped at it softly while his hands continued to pull at the lace garment under her skirt.
When her fingers pulled at his hair a little hard, he began to grow impatient at the stubborn material.
With one hard tug at the material, it ripped.
He smirked against her skin when she gasped. He licked up the length of her neck until he reached her lips again. His hand moved to the front of her so he could rub her wet core.
She moaned against his mouth, rocking her hips against his fingers unconsciously.
The movement created a delicious friction against his crotch.
It was not enough.
With his other hand, he unbuckled his belt, and then his pants. He sat up a little, lifting her body with his so he could pull his pants down a little to free his aching member.
He pulled his lips and fingers from her, panting loudly. "I-is this okay?" he asked.
She kissed his lips and then pulled back. "Do you have a condom in here?" she asked, staring in his eyes seriously.
He groaned, pulling her down for a kiss. He pulled back, nodding his head. "The glove department," he said, pointing to it.
She reached over to the glove department, digging inside of it. "Are you really clean?" she asked whilst searching for the condoms.
"Positive. I took a test a few weeks ago—maybe a month. I'm clean, and I haven't slept with anyone but you...and...I can't get you pregnant," he said, sliding his hands under her shirt.
She shivered, closing her eyes at his fingers caressing her bare skin under the shirt. "W-what do you mean?" she asked.
"Exactly that," he said, pushing her shirt up to reveal her covered breast.
He pulled one cup of her bra down and latched his mouth onto her breast.
When she threw her head back and moaned, he groaned against her and moved his hand down to grasp his member.
He released her breast, looking up at her desperately. "D-do you trust me or do we use a condom? Please, I don't think I can hold off any longer," he said, stroking himself a little to maintain the ache.
She leaned down and kissed his lips softly.
He moaned against her lips, closing his eyes when he felt her hand move his to grasp him. She positioned herself over him, keeping their lips locked together. Slowly, she guided his member to her entrance and sat down fully to take all of him.
He groaned loudly, dropping his hands to her hips.
He tried to imagine dogs eating their own poop to distract himself from coming so early before she even began.
He pulled her face towards his so he could kiss her again. He needed to do something—anything to distract himself from thinking and feeling how good her walls felt around him.
He pulled his lips back from hers, letting out ragged breaths.
Slowly, he began to push his hips upward, silently instructing her to move.
When her hips began to move, he groaned, gripping them tightly so she would not move.
He did not know if he wanted her to continue or stop. He wanted this moment to last forever.
She leaned down and kissed his neck softly before giving it a light lick.
He lost it.
His grip on her hips tightened as he guided them to move up and down quickly all the while thrusting against hers.
When she moaned his name loudly, he closed the gap between their lips.
Feeling her around him like this without any barriers was already enough, but to hear her scream his name? It was too much, and he knew that he would not be able to take it.
Her walls clamped down around him and she was soon doing most of the work as she rode him faster.
He pulled his lips from hers, gasping. "Sakura...fuck..." he said in a restrained tone. "I'm..."
His grip held her hips tightly to still her and he did the rest of the work.
When he heard the loud cry of his name, he was pushed over the edge with her.
Her body slumped against his as she buried her face in his neck.
He shivered, feeling her hot, shallow breaths against his skin.
She moaned, pulling back from him weakly. "Can't I breathe for a minute?" she asked.
He smirked at the realization of him going completely erect again inside of her. "I'm sorry," he said sincerely, reaching up to kiss her lips apologetically. "We don't have to do it again."
However, he was already moving inside of her again.
Ten minutes later, she was pulling her shirt and skirt down, and climbing off his lap to her side of the vehicle.
"It's getting late. I really should go," she said softly.
He looked around the car, noticing the foggy windows, so he could not see how dark the sky was. He knew that it was in the late PM'S since he could only see Sakura clearly because of the light stands outside the apartment complex.
"You're right," he said, nodding his head.
She opened the car door. "Thank you for today."
He smiled at her. "Text me as soon as you pull up to your place," he said softly, but he knew she heard the demand in his words.
"Okay," she said, stepping out of the car.
He watched her limp to her car, and then slide in, through her handprints on his window.
As soon as she drove off, a wide grin spread across his face.
That was...
His mind could not even begin to explain what it was.
He had never done anything spontaneous like that before. And he certainly never expected Sakura to have sex with him again.
Never.
Was it their disagreement that sparked her interest in it?
He really wanted to know now. However, he did not want to push his luck.
He sat in his car for a while until his phone buzzed. He picked his phone up, looking at it.
'I'm home. Have a good rest tonight.'
'I'll think about Friday,' he texted back.
He smiled, leaning down to pick up her ripped panties. He put the ripped material in his pocket, and then opened the door.
He was really curious about Kinomoto Sakura now.
He used his elbows to wipe her finger prints off his window.
He was determined to find out more about her too.
A/N: Thanks a bunch for the reviews and alerts...also to my beta, theDeviantme for editing the mistakes :). I can't write a heart-felt authors note since I'm currently at work posting this chapter haha xD.
Next chapter should be from Sakura's perspective of things.