2 May 1638

Kurloz is so sweet! He brought me flowers today, and they were gorgeous. Sometimes I feel bad that I can't offer him half the lovely things he gives me, but he swears up and down it's fine. I just don't have the money for it, raising Kitty and all.

Well, that's alright, I suppose. And if we do marry, we'll share money and I can buy him something nice for once.

6 May 1638

Kitty brought Equius for lunch again today. I know she doesn't like the village, but it's expensive to hunt and cook for an extra person all the time. And I have friends too! Sometimes I just want to spend time with my friends, without worrying about if my sister's alright. And I can't do that if I have to feed two fourteen-year-olds!

Kitty's going to be really mad, but I really need to have some time to not be taking care of her.

9 May 1638

It didn't go over so well with my sister.

"Nepeta, you can't have Equius over for lunch so often."

"Why not? He's my best friend, and Kurloz is over all the time!"

"We can't afford it."

"We don't buy food. We just hunt!"

"I hunt, Nepeta! I hunt! You just hang out with your friends in the village all day! I have to take care of you and all the time I spend hunting or gardening is time I could spend doing midwife work or selling medicines, or taking a damn break for once!"

"You don't like me!" she said. She doesn't shout when she's upset with me, but her voice goes all flat and quiet and she just sounds…well, to anyone else she sounds uninvested, but to me she sounds so sad.

"I love you, Kitty, but you're driving me mad! Can't you leave me alone for a minute?"

"Fine," she said. "I'll go away, then. Fine."

She stalked off, and I feel bad about it, but at least she'll be out of my hair for a little while.

13 May 1638

Nepeta hasn't talked to me since we fought, and it's my fault. I feel awful. It's not her fault about Mama and it's not fair to blame her for how I have to take care of her. I need to apologize to her, and just…I don't know. Talk to someone else about it, I suppose.

I should talk to Kurloz. He's noticed I've been upset lately, but I haven't told him. I just should. I think he'd understand.

14 May 1638

Our mama died one year ago today. I miss her so much. I can't…I can't write about it. I just can't.

16 May 1638

I apologized to Nepeta today. "Hey. Um. Nepeta. I'm really sorry. None of this is your fault. I've just been…worried a lot, lately. So…sorry."

"It's okay," she said. "I don't have to bring Equius for lunch so often."

"I appreciate it, Kitty," I said.

She smiled a little and squeezed my hand. I sometimes wish she liked hugging, because I always hugged Mama and I hug my friends, but it's not her fault and I won't bother her about it.

We have to talk about these things. That's what Mama always said, and I think she's right. I can talk to Kurloz about these things, about Nepeta and I can talk about what we can and can't afford.

17 May 1638

I talked to Kurloz today about things. He's been busy the last couple of days with business in the palace. His father is a duke, and he's going to be the next duke, so there's all sorts of complicated things he's to deal with, not the least of which is convincing his father that he should be allowed to marry me. He says he's warming his father up to the idea slowly, not mentioning me until his father is alright with him marrying a commoner ("Albeit a very pretty one," he said).

Anyways, I told him about how I'm worried about raising Nepeta, and he took my hands and said, "You're doing wonderfully."

"And why do you say that?"

"Well, partly because I know you'll do wonderfully at anything you set your mind to. And partly because I've seen your sister around and she seems great. I mean, she's different, we all know that. But you're doing great, and she'll do great."

"Thanks, Kurloz. It's such a relief to talk about this."

"I'm here for you," he said tenderly. He squeezed my hands and added, "You're great."

"Thanks," I said again. "What about you? Is it stressful in the palace?"

He shrugged. "A little. My father…he can be awfully serious. And he's…I…I'm not sure I should tell you this." He twisted up his face like he does when he's nervous, all tight and pinched.

"Kurloz, it's alright. I won't hold it against you."

"He talks about your mother, sometimes. I think. He calls her by that old name-Disciple. He says they were friends when they were younger. He said they…they were close. That they talked some after her husband-Sufferer-died. I-I don't know what he's trying to imply."

I bit my tongue. "My mother didn't love anyone else after him. If that's what your father is saying, he's wrong."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you," he said. "It doesn't matter. I'm sure he's making it all up. I think he's hung up on everything that happened back then."

"I still don't understand all of it," I said, staring into my teacup. "Mama never told me much. I know they tried to fight your father and all that, and some of why…the unfair taxes and all. But she didn't tell me much about what happened."

"Me neither," he said. "I-I'm sorry…"

"It's not your fault," I said, like always. "And you're-we're going to change things, when it's our turn. Look, I'm sure your father believes what he's saying. But I know Mama didn't love anyone after her husband."

He nodded. "I believe you."

It felt good to talk to him about it. I'm glad we can talk to each other, because otherwise I'd lose my mind. And it's a relief to get all that about my sister and my mother off my chest. I'm glad he can talk to me about the palace-life there must be so stressful! I can hardly imagine.

21 May 1638

Horuss came over today with Equius. He's kind, and although I don't talk like I do with Kurloz, he's a comfort to have around. He's a little older than me, too, so he checks in on us sometimes. With Mama gone and all, he knows I'm worried all the time.

He's a good friend. I trust him. Most of my friends are women, so it's nice to have a couple who are men.

25 May 1638

Speaking of my friends, Latula and Porrim and Damara were over for tea today. Latula can be a little wild sometimes, and Porrim can be a bit biting, and Damara has a bit of a tendency to overreact, but I love them. It's wonderful to sit with them when I have a free moment and eat and drink tea and chat. I gossiped about Kurloz, and Latula about Mituna, and Damara about Rufioh. I think Rufioh might like Horuss, but he definitely likes Damara, so it's hard to tell. Porrim rolled her eyes at us and said men were never worth it, but I like Kurloz, and we can talk with each other. It's good.

I like Porrim, but she can be quite pessimistic!

30 May 1638

A few of us spent time together in the village today, and it was a relief to have some time away from home. I love my home, but it's nice to get outside sometimes. I'm still quite young; I think I ought to be allowed to enjoy myself a little bit more. I don't love going to the pub and drinking myself silly like some of my friends, but it's nice to just spend time together the village, and I'll drink some. I'm not my mother!

I don't know why she never drank. I suppose some people are just like that.

4 June 1638

I'm glad it's summer. The garden is growing again, and while it'll never be as lovely as when it was Mama's, it looks alright, I think. I don't think I'll ever make the garden as lovely as when my mother maintained it, but I can certainly try.

I'm not really the midwife like she was, either, but I'm trying at that, too. It'll be better when Nepeta can hunt. Then I can dedicate more time to being the midwife and the garden, too. I really ought to teach her to shoot; she's old enough for it.

8 June 1638

I finally found a few hours today to teach Nepeta to shoot with the big bow. I set up the target in the back and gave her the bow and arrows our mother used to teach me, and showed her with our other one how to aim and fire. She's already awfully good! I told her to practice every day, and soon she could go hunting.

I'll teach her to hunt when she's sixteen, which was when Mama taught me to hunt. She turns fifteen this year, so I think it'll be sooner rather than later! Well, that's good. We've got to work together to survive, and while she's only a child now, she's going to be an adult soon like I am.

13 June 1638

Nepeta is very, very good at shooting. I mean, I'd beat her in any competition, but she's amazing for a beginner. I'm astounded. I told her how good she is and she just about glowed with pride. She should be allowed to be that happy.

She brings Karkat over sometimes with her other friends and I know she likes him-she thinks he's handsome as can be-but his brother is so frustrating! He flat-out told me women have their place and we should stick to it, and I nearly slapped him! He's not my least favorite person ever, but he's as long-winded as Aranea (although not nearly as interesting) while being as irritating to talk to as Cronus (though, thankfully, not half as flirtatious).

Well, I don't have to see his brother much. Porrim likes him, but I won't see him if I don't want to.

15 June 1638

Kurloz came by for lunch again today. He kissed my cheek and told me I looked lovely and I blushed like mad and told him he was sweet. He is! He's sweet like sugar, but not nearly as expensive. Sometimes just looking at him I feel so warm inside, it's wonderful.

We talked for a while about not much, family and friends and the village and how life is, and then…then he kissed me, and he kept kissing me for a long time, and so I kissed him, and it was just wonderful. I'm not sure how to describe it! It felt hot somewhere in my stomach, and I felt the strangest shiver up the back of my neck when he ran his hand through my hair to rest it there.

I think I'm really in love with him. It's such a wonderful feeling to be with him. I feel safe with him, and comfortable. Just sitting with him at the table and drinking tea is enough to make me feel more relaxed, and considering how worried I always am that's nice.

He says he feels comfortable with me, so maybe he loves me back. I hope so! It's scary to say it, but I hope we can. Maybe I'll give it a little more time. I want to be sure!

19 June 1638

Horuss came by again today, and he seemed worried.

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

"I suppose not," he said.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I…" He looked left and right, and spotted Equius and Nepeta in the library, absorbed in a book on mathematics. "Yes."

"Have a seat," I said. "I won't tell anyone."

He frowned and looked down. "My father…he is ill."

"Oh no," I said. "Horuss, I'm so sorry."

"I think he will recover," he said. "He has been ill before. Every time it happens, it frightens Equius."

I nodded. "It's hard."

"I do not want him to grow up afraid," Horuss said. "He is young; he ought to be enjoying himself, before these responsibilities of ours set in."

I nodded again. "I feel the same way about Nepeta."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sure you are much more worried."

I shrugged. "Well, we are orphans now. But me being 'more' worried-which doesn't really mean much, because I don't think you can measure feelings-doesn't mean you can't be worried, or tell me how you feel."

"Thank you," he said softly.

"Of course," I said. "Hey. What are friends for?"

He smiled, a little weakly, and said, "The tea is delicious."

"Oh, thank you."

And we talked about nothing until it was time for Equius to leave.

22 June 1638

I think my friends have heard a million times how proud I am of my sister, but I am! She's already hitting the target almost every time, and she sews better than I do, and she's already doing mathematics I couldn't do until I was seventeen! Anyways, my friends are proud of their siblings. Why shouldn't I brag about how talented Kitty is?

She sells some of the things she sews in the market, and today she brought home a few pence. We keep our money in our mother's old savings jar, this lovely crystal thing I have no idea how she afforded. We never had much money when we were younger, and everything nice we have in the house is very old.

27 June 1638

I think my sister thinks I've read Mama's journals. I found them, but I haven't read them. I don't think it would be right. They're private! I don't want anyone to ever read my journals. And anyways…I think there are things I don't want to know. It's probably for the better that I don't understand everything that happened between my mother and my friend's parents.

It's very tempting, though.