1 July 1638

We went to Mama's grave today. We usually do once every few weeks, but today it just seemed sadder. It's nice that forget-me-nots grow there, but the clearing just feels…sad. It's not lonely, but it's sad. I mean…it's a graveyard. Of course it's sad. I don't know. I'm sure I'll be buried in the churchyard, because I was baptized and I'm not going to marry an illegitimate child, but this is where my mother's old family lies.

We put flowers on her grave and talked to her a little. I know she can't hear, but it's comforting to talk to her like she's still there. Nepeta misses her as much as I do, and she cries a little every time. This time, I took her hand and we walked back home like that. One of these days we'll feel better, and going to see Mama's grave won't be so sharp. Or so I hope.

4 July 1638

I invited some of my friends over today, but Porrim said we should come into the village. When I asked her why, she said it was because it was Kankri's birthday. I went, but he's exactly as annoying as ever. I know Porrim likes him, but I have no idea how; he thinks women should know their place, and she thinks men should step down from government entirely for a while.

Speaking of people I can't stand, Cronus was there, too. He sulked for a while, complaining about how his father wouldn't let him pursue his musical dreams (he's going to be a damned duke, why the hell would he want to play the lute in some old town square), flirted a bit with everyone, and then left in a huff. Meenah went after him, even though she doesn't like him either, and Kurloz touched my shoulder and said, "I'd better calm him down."

"You're the best," I said.

He grinned and kissed my cheek, then left.

Latula and Damara teased me about it later, so I teased Latula about Mituna, since the two of them have been quite the lovebirds lately. And then I told Damara I'd seen Rufioh kissing her hand, and she turned so bright red I was a little worried.

"Sorry."

"It's alright," she said. "He's just so handsome, and kind, and confident…"

"He likes you," I said. I mean, it's obvious. I don't know why people are so strange about this; I think it's pretty obvious who people love. Porrim loves to talk about it with me; sometimes she just comes by while I'm working, making medicines and such, and has tea and we just talk about our friends, who loves who and all that. Sometimes Porrim talks about the latest person she's…she's slept with.

Porrim says she very much enjoys sleeping with people. She says it feels spectacular. I wouldn't know! I've kissed Kurloz, but we're not married yet and I want to be married first. I should talk to him about it, probably. But not yet! It's much too early for that.

Well, anyways, it was an alright day. I can only go into the village sometimes, so I'm glad my friends are willing to walk to my house to see me. As long as I'm not hunting or treating someone, they're always welcome.

9 July 1638

Kurloz came for lunch today, and while I was cleaning the dishes, he said, "Meulin?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think someone who's…who's seeing someone else can be friends with someone who likes them?"

"Um…" I puzzled through the question, then said, "I think…maybe. Do you mean if I could be friends with someone who liked me the way you do?"

"Yes," he said.

"I suppose if the other person was courteous of the relationship."

"I'm just not sure," he said.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well…you know Eliza, my old friend?"

Eliza's his old friend from when we were little, before we all knew each other. She's the daughter of some other noble couple. "I do."

"I think she likes me. I just don't know if I can be friends with her, now. With you."

"I wouldn't mind," I said, which is true. "She's your old friend. Don't worry."

"Alright," he said. "Thank you. That's a relief."

"Of course," I said. I think he worries a lot about hurting me on accident, because of how his father hurt my mother. But I'm fine! I'm glad I can calm him down when he gets like that. He needs to worry less!

12 July 1638

Of all things to disagree on, I'm glad it's religion between Kurloz and me. He believes much more than I do, and in different things. But he's kind about what I believe, and never tries to convert me, and I never try to convert him. It's good!

I guess I believe in what my mother believed in. She believed people were good, and the world was good, and sometimes it didn't seem like it and sometimes people were cruel or terrible, but that didn't mean that the world was cruel. I suppose I believe in God, and in heaven. I believe all people are equal and ought to be treated the same.

He's so cute when he talks about the things he's passionate about. His eyes sparkle, and his voice gets much more confident and strong, and he smiles like nothing could go wrong. He's just so sweet! I can't believe anyone doesn't believe in love like this. When he smiles at me, it feels like I could fly. I love him.

16 July 1638

I'm so proud of Kitty. Today she and I went to the village to sell some of what we'd sewn or grown (we grow more herbs than we use), and together we made quite a few pence, and afterwards she told me she's going to be a seamstress-she's going to sew the most beautiful, elaborate dresses ever and sell them for a lot of money. She's good at sewing-I think she could!

I'm going to keep up my midwife work when I'm married. I want to be married, but I don't want to give up my work, and I'm never going to give up how close Kitty and I are.

19 July 1638

I know when Kurloz and I were first together I didn't spend a lot of time with Kitty, so I've been trying very hard to be good about spending time with her, and with my other friends. I'm glad my mother told her about getting a woman's body and sleeping with men before she passed, though, because it means I don't have to. I don't know how I'll do that with my own children.

I've had my bleeding for a year or two now. Kitty'll get hers soon enough, because she mentioned her chest growing. Mine's stopped, thank goodness, and I think they're a nice size. I like my body well enough; it's strong, and capable, and quite attractive if I do say so myself. I hope my sister likes hers as much!

22 July 1638

Horuss was over today for tea. He said his father's doing better, which is good. Apparently his father's health has been weak since last year. Actually, I remember the first time his father got sick; it was right around when my mother passed, and I remember because there were a few months when Equius was never over because Kitty was hurting so badly and his own father was ill.

Anyway, we chatted and I lent him a book to read from Mama's library. His manner can be a bit stiff sometimes, but he's kind at heart.

27 July 1638

Kitty said today that she was having trouble telling Karkat how she feels, and it's not helping that Equius disapproves completely.

"Well, Kitty, no one has to approve except you. And me!" I teased.

"I just don't know what to say," she said. "I don't know how to say these things."

"That's not just you," I said. Sometimes she frets because she has trouble saying things to people in ways they understand. It's hard for her, and that's certainly no one's fault. "These things are hard."

"How'd you do it with Kurloz?"

"Well, it was mostly little things," I said. "He did sweet things for me, and I said kind things to him, and before long…I told him I thought he was the sweetest, handsomest man I'd ever met and he smiled cute as can be, and he said he thought I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, and now we're…together."

She frowned. "But he's quiet. Karkat…he's so loud." I could tell she was nervous; she's normally much more talkative.

"He is," I agreed. "If you can find a time when it's just you two, that would probably be best."

She shifted in her seat and swirled her teacup around. "I don't know how Mama did it with her husband."

"They loved each other," I said. "Maybe they didn't have to."

"Don't you know?" she asked. "Didn't Mama write about it?"

"Kitty, I haven't read her journals," I said.

"Yes you have!"

"No I haven't."

"Yes you have! You won't let me."

"Because they were private! And I think there are things we maybe shouldn't know about. Things she didn't tell us for a reason."

"I want to know! Don't you? It's like finding a historical artifact!" We don't play out those stories we made up together as children, but she references them more than I do.

"I do," I admitted.

"Please? Just a little?" she asked.

"Jeez, Kitty, you're a bad influence!" I said. "I'll think about it."

"If I find them I'll read them!" she said.

"Well, you won't find them," I said. "I hid them very well!" That's not true. But Nepeta doesn't like to go into Mama's old room.

"Please, Meulin? Please?" She made her big kitty-cat eyes at me, and I could hardly resist.

"I know she's gone, but we still ought to respect her privacy," I said. "I don't read your journal, and you don't read mine."

"But she kept us safer than we need to be," she said.

"She had her reasons."

"They might have been bad reasons. We're old enough now-we should know what happened. Especially since you're going to marry Kurloz!"

"Not yet I'm not!" I exclaimed, blushing terribly.

"Well, you will," she said matter-of-factly. "You know it, too." She's right, really. We're both very good at telling other people's relationships.

"Alright, maybe," I conceded.

"I think Mama would like him."

"Really?" I asked.

She nodded. "Meulin…I miss her."

"Me too, Kitty. I think…from what she said about her old family…we're always going to miss her. We just get used to it."

Nepeta frowned and looked down. "Linny…" She crossed her arms tighter over her chest like she does and pinched her lips together. "I don't want to cry anymore."

"I'm sorry, Kitty," I said. "Me neither."

We didn't talk anymore, but I held her hand for a long time while we both cried quietly, missing our mama. I miss her so, so much. She loved us and took care of us and she was so kind and good and she was the best midwife. I just…love her.

1 August 1638

Kitty's birthday is soon. I'm not sure what I'll get her, because we don't have much money, but I want to do something since neither of us wanted to celebrate our birthdays last year. Maybe I'll get her a book of patterns? Or cook her something nice? Sometimes we have to eat celery, which she hates, so definitely none of that.

This is hard. I have no idea how my mother did it.

5 August 1638

Today was Nepeta's birthday! I gave her a book of patterns and scraped up a few pence for some puff pastries, and then made some of that with fruit from the garden (I don't pick berries from the woods anymore since I ate some yew berries last July and vomited terribly). Kitty had her friends over and she had fun. She loved her gift, too, thank goodness.

She's fifteen now. She's going to be old enough to be on her own soon. I'm already old enough to be on my own-I'll be nineteen in ten days-but she needs to be old enough before I marry and leave. It's not that I'm overeager to leave-I love her to death, and I never want to not be so close with her-but I do want to marry and have my own family.

We'll write, if nothing else. And have tea once a week or more, and see each other in the village. I'll see my other friends, too! I'm not going to get married and then leave all my friends behind like some people do. I love my friends and my sister too much!

8 August 1638

Latula told us today she and Mituna are going to be married in November. Well, we are eighteen! It's high time most of us settled down. I'm excited to go to their wedding! I'm sure it will be lovely. Mituna has steady work on a farm, and Latula does laundry, so they're well-established enough. Damara has been thinking of talking to Rufioh, because they're both nineteen now, but he hasn't said anything yet. Of course I need to talk to Kurloz about how I can't marry until Kitty is eighteen. Porrim won't be getting married as near as I can tell. Kankri's made some vow to never be in a relationship or have children. Meenah's been betrothed to Cronus since they were born, although it'll be mostly to produce an heir rather than because they love each other, which I know is normal for most people but still makes me a little sad.

That leave Hourss and Aranea. I cannot imagine a worse match! Aranea would chatter on about things Horuss doesn't understand or care much about, and he'd be too polite to tell her to stop, and then he wouldn't respond, and she'd feel hurt because as far as she could tell he'd be ignoring her, and if he tried to talk some he'd surely confuse her with his technical talk and odd obsessions. And having children together! It would never happen.

Well, that's assuming we stay within my group. I'm sure there are other suitable young ladies and gentlemen for Aranea and Horuss, and I suspect Aranea might be enjoying Meenah's company an awful lot more than she lets on. (Cronus surely doesn't care.)

It will work out. I can always help things along; I'm quite good at that. I was the one who prompted Latula and Mituna to see each other, and who has been carefully laying plans for Meenah and Aranea to have some time together, and who has been prodding Damara to be more upfront with Rufioh. I can handle this.

12 August 1638

My birthday is in a few days! I invited my friends over, and I'll be cooking, although nothing fancy. Maybe I'll pick some late berries from the garden, and sprinkle on the last of the sugar. I used most everything for Kitty's birthday.

15 August 1638

Everyone came over today, even Cronus and Kankri and Meenah. My heart felt so big I thought it would burst, to see all of my friends at my home because I asked them to. I know they love me like I love them, but it's still nice when they confirm it by just being here for me. Everyone said the berries were delicious, and some of them even brought presents! Porrim gave me a nice new skirt, and Latula a few pieces of candy, and Meenah and Aranea gave me a new book together.

And once everyone else had left, Kurloz gave me a beautiful bunch of flowers and the longest, most amazing kiss of my life. I think he bruised my neck a little. Not that I mind! It felt wonderful. I'm still floating a little at the memory.

I hope we can do that more. It was…very nice. Very, very nice. It will not be difficult for us to have children, I don't think. I'm not sure what it's supposed to feel like to want someone, but when we kiss like that, I feel a shiver up my neck and my insides feel hot and I just want him to be closer, even when he's pressed right up against me.

It's wonderful.

18 August 1638

Kurloz was over for lunch today and so I talked to him about getting married.

"Kurloz, I…I think I love you. And I want to marry you. But I can't until Nepeta's eighteen-old enough to be on her own."

"Of course," he said kindly. "It will give me more time to convince my father this is a good idea, too."

I nodded. "I'm glad you agree. I really appreciate it."

He smiled. "I would wait a thousand years to marry someone as wonderful as you. Although I hope I don't have to." He has this sweet little smile when he teases me.

I felt my face get warm. "You're twice as wonderful."

He is adorable when he blushes. "Thank you."

After lunch, I asked if he wanted to stay a little longer, and then when we were sitting on the couch I asked him if I could kiss him.

"Of course," he said, and then he leaned forward to kiss me hard. Kitty was in the village, so I knew we had some time, so I kissed him back as hard as I could. My heart was beating so hard I could heart it in my ears and I felt like I was floating.

"Meulin…" he said, softly.

"Hm?" I tried.

"You are so beautiful you drive men to sin," he said with that same soft voice.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

And I do.

22 August 1638

Today is Mama's birthday. Or it should be. She'd be forty-three.

I didn't do much today. I should have but I just miss her so much. It's been more than a year but I love her so much, and I'm not ready to do this without her. I can live on my own, as I've been doing, but I just wish she was here to help me. She knew so much. She'd never call herself wise, but she was.

Kitty didn't do much either. She mostly sat in the library next to Mama's chair and picked at her least favorite skirt.

We both miss her.

28 August 1638

Horuss came by today and he could tell I was tired, so he said, "Would you like to talk about it?"

"Hm?"

"You seem upset."

"I just miss my mother."

"I'm so sorry," he said.

"She was so much better at all this than me! She was a better midwife and a better hunter and gardener and she was much better at taking care of Kitty." Nepeta and Equius were outside, so I knew she couldn't hear me. "And I just miss her. She was my mother."

"I'm very sorry," he said kindly. "It must be awful for you."

"Yeah," I said. "I mean…it's better. But it hurts a lot."

"She was your mother," he said. "It is perfectly natural to miss her. I think you were very close to her, so it must hurt terribly to lose her."

"We were close," I said.

"I'm sorry," he said again, with such sincerity. I'm glad he's my friend. He's very straightforward and even though he's a bit odd sometimes, he's kind deep down.

2 September 1638

The leaves are gorgeous this year. I went for a walk around the woods with Kurloz, holding his hand and all, and we just admired the leaves.

I wish we could marry right now. (Only partially because I want him so badly.) But waiting is, I think, good to make sure we're right for each other. I know love isn't really the point of marriage, but I want to marry someone I love like my mother did.

6 September 1638

He surprised me today with a little box of chocolates and flowers! It was so sweet. And he got all worried when I told him about how much I've been working lately. I do work a lot, and of course I hunt and garden and all that, and lately I've been harvesting and preserving (which Kitty is a huge help with), but it's sweet of him to be worried.

It feels very safe to be with him. I know he loves me, and it's just comfortable to be loved like that. He's so romantic, too! It reminds me of my mother's stories about her love bringing her flowers when they were sixteen and first seeing each other.

9 September 1638

I haven't seen my friends in a little while, since I've been doing so much preservation. Nepeta and I are both home a fair bit, drying and sorting and all that. But I told Porrim and Latula and Damara, and they said they'd try to come to my home. I hope they do!

13 September 1638

Porrim came to my home today to gossip over cups of green tea, which is always fun. I wish I could be in the village more, because apparently something is happening between Damara and Rufioh, but it's hard to tell what. Porrim said she was sure I'd know right away what was going on, but no one else could tell. Then she told me about her latest fling, a woman from the village named Isabella.

"How do you not get pregnant?"

"Well, we're both women in women's bodies."

"No, I mean, when you sleep with someone who has a man's body."

"There's a trick to it. I can tell you if you like, if you don't want to wait until you're married."

"I-that's not it! I just-I want to be able to choose when I have children, and how many."

"I'm teasing you," she said gently. "I'll tell you."

And she did. I do want to be able to choose when I have children, and how many of them I want. I don't want to have too many too close together, or just have too many. I want to be able to have the children I can afford to take care of, and I want to be able to care for them with all my heart. I don't want to have a dozen little ones all at once, each one needing more than I can give, and so they end up feeling unloved. I want to love my children like Mama loved Nepeta and me.

She had such a heavy heart she couldn't have cared for a third child, I don't think. It would've been too much for her. I don't want my children to ever be too much.

18 September 1638

One of these days we'll have everything preserved. In the meantime, Latula visited today for a while. She gushed about her wedding, because she loves Mituna so much (they are perfect for each other), and then asked how I've been. So I told her about my work, and how Kitty's been, and Kurloz and I.

It's nice talking to Latula. She's so full of enthusiasm! She loves sports, and she's good at them, too. She and Mituna play together when they have time. I've never known someone quite so happy. She's not optimistic like Nepeta's friend Feferi, or cheerful like me, but she's so happy and friendly. I just love being around her!

I love all my friends so much. They're just the best.

23 September 1638

Kurloz came for tea and kisses today, like he does. Most days when he comes by we kiss these days. It just feels wonderful to be so close to him like that. We still talk, of course! But we do kiss.

While he's working on his father, apparently his father has been looking for suitable suitors for him, like Eliza but other women too.

"It's driving me a little mad," he admitted with a cute smile. "I promise, none of them will be as amazing as you."

"I know," I said. "I trust you."

"Thank you," he said. "I just don't want to do this. It's such an absurd dance, and it's so long until we can marry and he'll stop."

"Are you still trying to persuade him?"

"Of course," he said. "It's been slow going. I've gotten him to admit that common women are just as capable of childbirth as noble women, which is what really matters to him, but he still thinks that a noble woman would be better, somehow."

"Well, good luck," I said.

"Thank you. I promise I want to marry you-it's just that he is the duke. And my father."

"I know," I said. "We have plenty of time. And we love each other-that's all we need."

He smiled sweetly. "I love you."

"I love you too."

It's going to be okay, since we have each other.

27 September 1638

I'm almost done with harvest, and then it'll just be some time to dry things out. Which is to say, I might be able to spend some time in the village with my friends! Maybe I can figure out what is going on with Damara and Rufioh.

It'll be such fun!