1 October 1638

I went into the village today and Porrim was right, I could tell almost right away what was going on. It's not good, though. I hoped Rufioh might be planning a sweet way to propose to Damara, but it's clear to me now that Rufioh isn't entirely faithful; he's also seeing Horuss.

I need to confront Horuss about this. It's really Rufioh's fault (he's the one being unfaithful), but Horuss should know better.

I won't tell Damara about it, not yet. She would be wrecked if she knew. She loves Rufioh; if he was unfaithful, it would tear her apart. If I can just persuade Horuss not to, it'll all work out. If that doesn't work, I'll have to get Rufioh to be honest with Damara (well, sort of honest-tell her he doesn't want to marry her, not that he was unfaithful). I can keep this from breaking down.

Or so I hope.

6 October 1638

Horuss was by for lunch today, so I confronted him about it.

"Horuss, are you seeing Rufioh?"

He went bright red. "I-what does that matter?"

"You know Damara is waiting for him to propose. They've been seeing each other for two years!"

"He doesn't love her anymore."

"That doesn't mean he should be unfaithful. He should tell her, instead of going behind her back. My first thought was to persuade you to stop seeing him, but if he doesn't love her anymore, I best talk to him about that."

Horuss shifted. "I am not sure he loves me, either."

"What?"

"I do not think he loves me as he says he does. I think he is bored."

"Well," I said, trying not to feel furious. "In that case, I best have a talk with him."

"Meulin, please…"

"Horuss, I am not going to stand by while someone I am friends with breaks my other friends' hearts."

"If you say so," he said.

"I'll talk to him soon," I said. "Tea?"

He nodded, and we talked about not much for a while longer.

10 October 1638

I found Rufioh in the village today and told him I'd like to speak with him. He said yes, so once we were out of earshot of everyone else I said, "Rufioh, you need to stop playing games with everyone's hearts."

"W-wha-what do you mean?"

"Clearly you haven't been faithful to Damara, and I'd wager Horuss won't last long either."

He went as red as Horuss before, and then said, "I-what am I supposed to do?"

"Work up the courage to be honest with them. Otherwise you'll just make this worse."

"I-that's not fair!"

"You're kind enough, Rufioh. Now try being truthful, too."

And I left.

He best get himself together, or this will all go very badly very quickly.

14 October 1638

I had a bit of an argument with Kurloz today.

"Meulin…do you love me?"

"Of course," I said.

"I…I heard you snuck off with Rufioh the other day. Aranea mentioned."

"I had to tell him off. He's playing games with Damara and Horuss, not being faithful to Damara but not really in love with Horuss, either. He can't keep doing that. So I told him to start being honest with them."

"Oh," he said. "Alright. Do you think he will?"

"I hope so," I said.

"You didn't…you're not seeing him?"

"Of course not," I said as reassuringly as I could.

"You promise?"

"Yes," I said.

He nodded. "Thank you. I'm sorry. I just worry."

"I know," I said. "It's alright. I love you."

"I love you too."

17 October 1638

Rufioh still hasn't told Damara, or ended it with Horuss. I am running out of patience with him, but there's nothing more I can do, short of telling Damara, and that would rip her apart. I suppose all I can do now is wait.

I'm glad I've got none of this in my love life. I'm not sure I could stand it!

22 October 1638

All Souls' is in a few days, and I'm very excited! Kitty is too. It's going to be great fun. It'll be nice to take a break from working all the time. My friends will all be there, and Kurloz even said he would be, even though the celebrations at the palace must be twice as spectacular as anything we could dream up! He said he'd rather be with me for the holiday, and anyways our festival was quite nice, all things considered.

Well, he won't have to be with his father. He really does not get along with the man, and it's fair enough, too. Between his attitude towards common people, his propensity for angry outbursts, and the way he treats his own wife, there's plenty to dislike. Kurloz isn't like his father, and doesn't like being around him, so he likes it when he can stay out of his home.

By the time we're married, his father will be almost fifty, so quite old. And Kurloz promised I'd never have to deal with the man, so I don't mind.

I wish he could have met Mama. His mother died when he was young, when his brother was born, and his father is not a kind man. Mama would have loved him! And she already took care of Kitty and me when our parents wouldn't, or couldn't; she'd be so kind to him. We'd be a good family together, all of us.

27 October 1638

I finished embroidering the new skirt I was making for the festival in a few days! It's this pattern that's supposed to look absolutely gorgeous for dancing, and I embroidered a pattern of vines and daisies on the hem. It's pretty as can be! I hope Kurloz likes it. I can't wait to dance with him! He's a wonderful dancer.

Kitty's practically bouncing off the walls with excitement. She's going to ask Karkat to dance, and I can tell he doesn't love her like whoever she might marry ought to love her, but I hope it goes well. I hope he isn't cruel. I hope he dances with her and they have fun, and I hope if he has to reject her outright that day, rather than waiting for a day that's not a festival, I hope he's kind about it. Well, what I really hope is that he realizes that my sister is the most wonderful girl he could hope to marry, but they're only fifteen, so there's time for that.

31 October 1638

Today was the festival! I danced with Kurloz for hours, and he told my my skirt was beautiful. He loved our festival, too, said it was wonderful and fun and a great time. Mrs. Topham who plays fiddle is getting pretty old, but she still plays brilliantly. And dancing with the village, everyone I've grown up with, holding my…my fiancé's hands was just wonderful. It felt so light and free. I've never felt so warm and happy.

He hasn't proposed to me, not really, but I saw something in his pocket that could've been a box for a ring. And I know he wants to marry me, as much as I want to marry him. We've been seeing each other for quite a while, now, and if it weren't for Kitty I'm sure we'd be planning our wedding.

Kitty didn't ask Karkat to dance, even though she said she would. She told me she would tomorrow. I hope she does! It'll be better for her to get it off her chest.

Rufioh danced mostly with Damara, her being a woman and all, but he did a few dances with Horuss, and normally I wouldn't notice or care (I dance with all my friends at least once), but I know what Rufioh's doing, and I'm not happy with him right now. Of course Latula and Mituna danced their hearts out, like Kurloz and I. I'm so glad at least some of us can just be happy!

1 November 1638

Kitty finally asked Karkat to dance today, and he said yes. They danced once, and I saw how happy it made her. He didn't say anything afterwards to her that I saw, and anyways after that Kurloz did that thing he does when I get too involved with these things, where he touches my cheek softly and says something kind. This time he said, "Come on, now. There's nothing you can do. I'm right here. Let's dance."

"Yes, let's dance," I agreed, and we danced until my feet hurt.

4 November 1638

Latula and Mituna are going to be married on the twenty-sixth! I'm so excited. It's going to be such fun! And I know the two of them will be happy together. I could tell that when we were sixteen! They're going to be so good for each other.

I know all this romantic love isn't really what most people care about it, but it's just so sweet! And it makes people so happy.

8 November 1638

I'm going to faint. He proposed to me today! We were in the village, just sitting and talking, when he said, "Meulin, do you love me?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then…" He went on one knee, and took my hand, and said, "Will you marry me?"

"I-Kurloz…I…Nepeta…"

"Not now," he said. "Not until you're ready, and she's ready. I just want to promise you. Will you marry me someday?"

"Yes," I said. "Yes, of course." I could feel my eyes tearing up, and I was trembling all over when he slipped the ring on my finger. "A ring?"

"I know it's not traditional," he said. "But you said your mother had one, and I want you to always know that I'm promising myself to you."

"No, no, it's fine," I said. "It's just expensive."

"It's fine," he said. "I have all my father's money."

"What about your father?"

"He can introduce me to all the noble women he pleases. I want you."

I was certainly crying, too happy to speak. "I love you."

"I love you too."

And then he kissed me, soft and gentle, and I thought I might melt from it.

We're going to get married. Not for a long time, but we're going to get married. We've been seeing each other a year this Christmas, so I suppose it's high time, but I'm still so excited I can hardly breathe. And the ring…it's absolutely gorgeous. I can tell it cost him a fair bit; it's gold with emeralds and diamonds (he knows I love green), and it fits perfectly. I keep spinning it around my finger because I'm just so excited! I'm going to marry him!

Kitty noticed, of course, and she grinned huge and said, "I told you so!"

"You were right," I conceded.

"Can I help you make your dress?"

"Of course, Kitty. But we're not really going to get married until you're old enough to be on your own."

"So, when?"

"When you're eighteen."

"That seems awfully far away."

"Well, it is, a little bit anyways. But I don't mind, and neither does he. Kitty, you're my little sister. You're the most important person in my life, and I'm not going anywhere until you're old enough to live on your own."

"You were only seventeen when Mama…when Mama died." I could tell she thought I was treating her like a baby. It drives her mad when people do that, because she's not. Our mother was prone to it, but not for the reasons other people do, and I know that because Mama did the same to me.

"Hey, Kitty, I don't think you can't. It's just that…I wasn't ready when Mama died. I'm still kind of not. So I don't want to get married and move on when you're still only fifteen."

"Well, I would miss you anyways," she said.

"I'd miss you too," I teased. "When I move, I'll write you every day."

"I'll write you back every day," she promised, and she took my hand and squeezed tight. "I love you, Linny."

"I love you too, Kitty."

She hardly calls me Linny anymore. I'll always call her Kitty, but Linny was her name for me when we played pretend when we were younger. It was how we'd know what was pretend and what was real. When it was pretend, I was Linny and she was Kitty. Sometimes when things were hard with our birth parents and we were so hungry it hurt, I'd call her Kitty and we'd pretend we were in a dangerous dungeon, and our captors were trying to confuse us by making us hungry, and we had to fight through to escape. And then with Mama, I called her Kitty and we'd pretend we'd escaped to the palace of the benevolent queen who was our real mother and now our mission was to blend in so we could someday return to vanquish the evil queen who'd stolen us.

Mama said to me once that it was good we could acknowledge that our birth parents were wrong to treat us like that, even if we did it by pretending, because it meant we knew we deserved better.

Now I just call her Kitty because she's my sister and I love her, and it's how we know we'll always be sisters. No matter how much we grow up or what happens, we're sisters. She's Kitty and I'm Linny.

13 November 1638

We've been helping Latula make her wedding dress, and it looks wonderful. It's this gorgeous blue thing with gold ribbon accents, and parts of it are from her mother's wedding dress. And she's borrowing a necklace from her mother, too, something that was once her aunt's. It's this pretty gold chain with a pendant that's scales, like for measuring weights. Latula told us it was a bit scandalous, but she'd eavesdropped and heard that this was a gift to her aunt (the one with the funny name, Neo something) from a woman she was seeing! Apparently the two of them were quite close for a time.

"Of course, my mother doesn't want anyone to know. It would be such a scandal."

"My mother's mother-in-law loved women and she was amazing," I said. "It's not such a terrible thing."

"I know," Latula said. "But they were sleeping together, apparently."

"Nothing wrong with that," Porrim said.

"I don't think so," Latula said. "But you know my mother. She can be a bit old-fashioned. Apparently my aunt was a bit of a black sheep in my father's family when they were young."

"Really?"

"Oh, yes. She dressed as a man to go to school and practice law, not to mention her lady friend! I wish I could do that!"

"Why can't you?" I asked.

"Money," she said. "School's gotten more expensive, and with me doing laundry and my darling farmwork, we just don't have the money for it."

"I'm sorry," Damara said.

"It's alright," Latula said breezily. "I don't mind laundry, as long as you keep mixing up that salve for me." I make a slave of my mother's for Latula's dry skin.

"Well, alright," I said.

"It's hard to believe we'll have a child soon," she said.

"You don't have to," Porrim said.

"I really like him," Latula said. "If that's what you mean. He's very handsome."

"No, I mean, there's a trick for not having children," Porrim said. "It's worked for me."

"What?" Latula asked.

So Porrim explained it to her (I'm blushing just thinking of it!) and Latula nodded thoughtfully and said, "That's good to know. We can stand to wait a few years to have children."

"I'm always glad to spread knowledge," Porrim said with a little smile.

Latula's dress is going to be beautiful. I can't wait for her wedding!

18 November 1638

I've been looking at patterns for my wedding dress. Not very seriously, of course, but idly. When I'm married, I'm sure Kurloz will try to give me money for my dress, but I want to make my dress with my own money. I'll use the lace from my mother's wedding dress, I think. Or maybe I'll just wear my mother's wedding dress? She left it to us, Kitty and me. It's gorgeous, and it would fit me, and she wore it to marry her love. But I want to make my own wedding dress!

It's a hard choice, but I have lots of time.

24 November 1638

Their wedding is in a few days! I'm so excited I might explode. Surely Latula and Mituna are even more excited than I am. I can't even imagine! I hope this is how I feel before my wedding!

I hope they have the best marriage ever. I hope they have all the children they want, and that when they're old and creaky, they can rest a little. I hope they have wonderful lives.

26 November 1638

The wedding was beautiful! The ceremony was of course in the church, and it was like most weddings, but their vows to each other were so sweet. They're so good for each other.

And then afterwards we all went to their new home, a little cottage near Mituna's father's home, and we had a feast and danced until it was very, very late. The two of them cooked together for us, and it was delicious-meats and a wonderful potato dish and a huge pile of sweet buns. Cronus, as frustrating as he can be, is truly a spectacular musician. He played for us while we all danced, and after the first dance (which was of course for Latula and Mituna), we all danced together.

And of course they went to bed afterwards, and the rest of us left them in peace.

Kurloz walked me home, and I told him I hoped our wedding was half as fun as that one. He touched my ring and told me he would make sure it was.

30 November 1638

It's getting awfully cold out. Of course, it does that in the winter, but it does make me nervous. Nepeta hates her winter cloak, and Mama was never able to sew one she liked. She can't stand to have things tight around her neck, or things too heavy on her shoulders. People get sick in the cold, and from the cold, and I'm not sure what I'd do if Kitty got sick.

It also makes my work harder, because I have more people to treat. Most people don't trust me like they trusted my mama, because I'm only nineteen and she was actually an adult, but I still can help people.

Well, I'll make a little more money to compensate for the harder hunting.

5 December 1638

Second Sunday of Advent today. Mama always did Advent with candles and such, and so we do it now to remember her. We still use those lovely colorful candles she used to, three purple and one pink and the center one with the lovely design. Today was for joy, so at supper we talked about what we're happy about.

"I'm happy for Latula and Mituna."

"I'm happy about dancing with Karkat."

"That was a month ago, silly," I teased.

"He said yes," she said. "I never ever thought he'd say yes! And he's a really good dancer!"

At that, Button jumped onto her lap and nudged her hand.

"I'm happy we have Button," Nepeta said.

I laughed. "Me too. She's the best cat. But not the best Kitty!"

"I'm the best Kitty," she said with a sort of warmth that told me she knew what I meant. Our mother wanted us to know we were loved, and that we were allowed to love ourselves, and I want Kitty to know I love her and that she's wonderful and loved no matter what.

8 December 1638

Kurloz was over for lunch today, fretting about Christmas with his family.

"My brother will hardly notice, and my father is going to try to gift me a betrothal of some sort, I'm sure."

"He just wants what's best for you, I'm sure. Even though he's wrong about what that is."

"I suppose."

"I'm sorry. I wish you could've known Mama. I'm sure she would've understood. And she'd have loved you!"

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"That's good to hear," he said. "The only thing my father taught me that helped me was to be more confident."

"My mama taught me the same thing."

He smiled. "Well, at least my father is right about one thing."

"He must've done a few things right to have a son as wonderful as you."

He blushed a very sweet bright red and ducked his head, then took a sip of tea. "Thank you."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

And I do.

12 December 1638

Third Sunday of Advent today, for peace. It's the pink candle. It was nice to watch the candles burn down as we ate, Button mewing at us for scraps. We usually give her a few, but she hunts mice too. She's grown up to be quite the mouser from the tiny thing she was when Mama first let us have a cat!

It's sweet when Button sleeps on Nepeta's bed. She goes to bed earlier than me, and I stay up late writing anyways, so sometimes when I check on Nepeta she's asleep in her bed with Button curled up next to her. I like having a cat. I'm glad I persuaded Mama about that.

16 December 1638

I don't know what I'll get Kitty for Christmas this year! It's hard to buy things for her when I don't have much money. We'll do presents on Christmas of course, like my mama did, even though I've no idea why she did that, so I have even less time.

I want it to be perfect for her. I know I worry a lot about her, but she's my little sister! My friends don't all get along so well with their siblings, but I love Nepeta. Well, none of them are orphans, either, so we're a bit of a special case.

Kurloz and his brother don't get along much at all. Gamzee isn't as religious as Kurloz, and Kurloz is frustrated because he feels his brother's lack of religion, rather than being a difference in faith like mine, is because his brother is forever finding new intoxicants to try. And Gamzee doesn't like Kurloz because he thinks Kurloz is trying to prevent him from discovering his own religion (which is, apparently, inordinate amounts of alcohol among other substances).

On the other hand, Porrim and Kanaya get along famously. They're more like Nepeta and me. But Porrim's older than me, and she and Kanaya have parents, even if they are from the city.

I can't even imagine the city! Porrim's been a few times, to visit her aunts, but her father isn't very close with his sisters. Porrim says it's complicated, and her father doesn't like to talk about it. I can't imagine what could've happened, but I suppose people lose family to things other than death with a certain regularity. I hope that never happens with Nepeta and me. I want our children to be friends with each other. I want them to grow up together.

And I want them to have parents until they're old enough not to. It's not my mama's fault, getting sick like she did, and it's not her fault she couldn't get through it. She mentioned once or twice that something awful happened to her when she was younger, and I think it made her weaker than she'd ever admit. I'd know what if I read her journals, of course, but I said I wouldn't and I won't.

It's incredibly tempting.

19 December 1638

Last Sunday of Advent today, for love. I have so much love in my life! I love my sister, and Kurloz, and my friends, and I still love my mama, even though she's gone. I will always love these people; I'll always have them when I need someone. And of course Kurloz is just the sweetest man I could hope to be engaged to.

We're engaged! I remember it sometimes, all of a sudden. He proposed to me and gave me the most beautiful ring I've ever seen. It's something I'd never be able to afford on my own, certainly! My mother left me her engagement ring, and I've worn it on my right hand since, but now I have my own ring and it's beautiful! Not that my mother's isn't, but this one is from my love, like hers was from her love.

My mother had such stories about her family before that terrible thing she didn't talk about. They were so happy together! She said her love was handsome and sweet and clever and kind and compassionate and just amazing, and her mother-in-law (her real mother) was intelligent and caring and kind and wonderful, and her best friend was brilliant and funny and kind and clever, and she loved them all to pieces. Like she loved my sister and me to pieces. I want to have stories for my children someday-especially my daughters! I want daughters so badly. I'll have my own daughters someday and I can tell them stories about my family and friends when I was younger.

Oh, what will I name them? I want to name them something pretty, like…oh, I don't know, Rosamond, or Cassandra, or Adilene, or…or Cecily, that's a lovely name. I know Kurloz wants a son, and if half of babies are girls and half are boys we'll only need to have two or three, maybe four, for us both to have what we want.

Not that I won't be delighted to have sons! I want to tell my sons theses stories too, and teach them all the things my mother taught me. I'll teach my daughters to read and write and shoot and stand up for themselves, and my sons to cook and sew and weave and be compassionate. My children are going to be cared for, and loved.

21 December 1638

I finally found the perfect gifts today, for Nepeta and for Kurloz (that's all I can afford, and my other friends understand). For Nepeta, I found a pattern and the supplies to sew a stuffed cat. For Kurloz, I picked a new Bible, the new King James version. It's just in beautiful ink and there's gold on the edges of the pages, and if you fan the pages it's a beautiful painting of Adam and Eve. It's going to be a perfect gift!

I'm excited for Christmas. I can't wait to see my loved one's reactions! I hope they like the presents as much as I think they will.

25 December 1638

Nepeta and I cooked our Christmas feast today, like we used to do with Mama. We saved up as much as we could and we had the money and ingredients to make a roast and Yorkshire pudding and the green beans with the nuts and a few of the other best dishes our mama used to make for us. It was just the two of us, but it felt warm and safe and I love her and she loves me, and it just felt wonderful.

I gave her her present, and she loved it. She jumped up and grinned huge, which she hardly ever does, and kissed me on the cheek, and said it was the best present ever. And then she gave me her present for me, a French mystery novel I'm going to love. I was so happy I could've cried.

It was such a good day. I won't see Kurloz and get to give him my present until the twenty-seventh. I'm very excited for it! But for now, I'm going to enjoy the holiday with my sister, my little family.

I love her so much. I always will.

27 December 1638

I saw Kurloz today! He came for lunch, but this time he cooked for me (clumsy as he can be with cooking) and then I gave him his gift, and he ginned huge and hugged me tight, and then he kissed me hard. "Meulin, I could not ask for a better gift. I have something for you, too."

"Oh?"

"Yes," he said, and he handed me a little wrapped box.

I unwrapped it, and it was the most beautiful pair of diamond earrings I've ever seen.

"Kurloz, these must cost a fortune."

"Don't worry about money," he said. "I don't have to. And once we're married, we'll never have to worry about money."

"I can't help it," I said. "We never had enough money after Nepeta and I left our birth parents."

He blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"

"What do you mean, what?"

"Left your birth parents?"

"Oh…Kurloz, I'm sorry. I…I've never talked about it much. I guess I never mentioned it to any of our friends, really, and Nepeta and I look just like Mama. Um. My birth parents are the Leijon nobles, but they treated Nepeta and me…they weren't really good to us. They starved us. So when I ran away when I was eleven, and then a month later, after Mama found me and fixed me up-I got really sick because I had no food or water or place to sleep-I went back for Nepeta. Our birth parents think we're dead."

"Aren't your birth parents worried? They're your blood!"

"But they almost killed Kitty and me. They lost their right to be called our birth parents. Mama…she raised us and she loved us. She took care of us."

He looked uncomfortable. "But they're your blood."

"So's your father. Are you like him?"

He went a little pink, then said, "I hope not."

"My blood parents were not kind people. I know it's unconventional, but it was right for Nepeta and me to leave. I know it."

He nodded. "I understand. They shouldn't have let you go hungry."

"Yes," I said. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. It's just that Mama meant so much to me-she's just my mother. I never thought to mention my blood parents."

"It's quite alright," he said. "That…that's quite a lot to go through. Thank you for telling me."

"You're welcome," I said. "Anyways, we never had much money, so I can't help but worry about it."

"I understand," he said. "Well, that's one thing you'll never have to worry about once we're married. I'll take care of you." His voice was soft and kind.

"I know," I said with a smile. I put the earrings on and said, "Do you like them?"

"They are beautiful, but not nearly as beautiful as you are."

I blushed and he kissed me, and then I kissed him until my lips hurt.

31 December 1638

Tomorrow begins 1639! I'm excited to start a new year. Another year with my dear and my sister, and another year to see what this world has to offer. There's just so much out there! So many people to meet, so much more of the woods to explore, so much of my mother's and grandmother's notes to study, so many more books to read…I don't understand how anyone couldn't want to seize all this world's possibilities!