1 January 1339

Happy New Year! I'm so excited for this year. There's just so much to do! I know my mama used to worry I'd end up hurting myself one of these days, being so excited like I am, but it hasn't let me down yet!

I heard my mama fretting sometimes to Horuss's father that Kitty and me would inherit her melancholy somehow. I don't think I have! The world is bright and open to me. I know there are things I can't do, things I wish I could do (my mother's stories of the one time she saw the university always held my attention), but there's so much more that I can do! And I have my family and my friends with me, to be there for me and so I can be there for them.

A whole new year! I can't wait.

4 January 1639

Horuss was by again today, like he is. He'll come about once a week for lunch. Only today Kurloz came by, too. I hoped they'd get along, but I suppose not. They never speak much in the village and I assumed it was because they just didn't know each other, or because they're both quiet people, generally. I suppose I'll have to build this bridge now.

I opened the door for Kurloz and went up on tiptoe to kiss him, because he's so tall, and said, "Come in! Horuss is over today too. You two can catch up while I cook!"

"Horuss Zahhak?"

"Of course. I left you tea on the table, black with milk like you like."

"What's he doing here?" I know Kurloz can get jealous sometimes, but there's no cause with Horuss. Or anyone, really, because I love Kurloz, but especially Horuss.

"He comes by sometimes to make sure Nepeta and me are alright. His brother and my sister are best friends."

"Oh," he said. "Alright."

"He's a bit quiet, but I'm sure there's something for you to talk about," I said, and then I went to the kitchen to finish my stew.

They didn't seem to talk much, and so when I brought out the stew I tried to carry the conversation, but they were staring daggers at each other for the whole meal.

Well, I haven't had a new challenge in a while. It's high time! I'll get them to be friends. They have things in common, and they're both important to me, and so they best learn to get along! I'll talk with Kurloz when I see him next, and Horuss next week.

7 January 1638

I did talk with Kurloz today about Horuss.

"There's no cause to distrust him. His father was friends with my mother, and his brother and my sister are best friends. He just makes sure we're not dying. He's a friend."

"I know," he said. "I'm sorry. I know it's absurd. I just love you so much, and I worry."

"What's there to worry about?"

"You're just so amazing," he said. "I know I have money and power, but you're amazing. I know you love me. I just worry."

"It's alright, then, my dear," I said. "I love you. Horuss is just a friend."

"Alright," he said. "I trust you. I don't think he likes me much, either."

"I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. I'll talk to him and clear it right up!"

"That sounds nice," he said. "I'll be his friend, for your sake, my darling."

I couldn't help but smile. He's so sweet! I'm glad I can work this out.

10 January 1639

Horuss was by today, even though it was snowing, and had tea.

"Horuss, why don't you get along with Kurloz?"

"He…" He frowned. "I disagree with his religion."

"Well, so do I, and I love him. You can't only like people who agree with you on matters like religion! I'm sure I disagree with you quite strongly on some points."

"Oh?"

"I believe it's alright to sleep with someone if you're not trying to have a baby."

He went quite red and said, "I don't know how you can believe that."

"And I don't know how you can't. You're seeing Rufioh!"

"We're not…not…" He went tomato-red and did not continue. "Are you?"

I went just as red and said, "No! We're not married!"

"I thought it was alright?"

"It's alright, if I wanted to. I just don't want to. I want to wait until we're married."

"And if he was a woman?"

"Then it would be different," I defended myself.

"Well…I suppose," he said, reluctantly.

"Will you at least try to be friendly with him?" I asked. "I love him. He's going to be in my life. And you're one of my best friends. I can't lose either of you, so I need you two to get along."

"In that case," he said. "I will try. For you."

"Thank you," I said sincerely, and I hugged him tight. He smiled against my cheek and hugged me back. I know I'm a little odd, but I have my friends, and as long as I have them, I'll be fine.

15 January 1639

I almost wrote 1638 in the date today! Silly me.

I have a bad feeling about this unstable triangle Rufioh's created. It can't last much longer before it all comes crashing down and someone gets hurt. Someone-Damara. Rufioh will be just fine, carrying on like nothing's wrong like he does. Horuss will be hurt, and perhaps is reputation will take a hit, but he'll live. Damara's going to find out the man she's been counting on to propose to her is lying and unfaithful, and it's going to hurt her so badly.

I've done all I can. Now Rufioh needs to do the right thing.

19 January 1639

Nepeta asked me today if she could practice telling Karkat how she felt about him to me, like how we used to play pretend. I said of course, and it was so sweet.

"Alright. Um. Karkat…I think you're very handsome and clever and kind even if you don't act like it and I'd like to start seeing you if that's alright."

"That's very good, Nepeta!"

"No, you have to respond like him!"

"Then let's practice a few reactions. What do you think he might say?"

"Um…well…he could say yes! Or he might say no, but…nicely. Or he might say no but mean. Or he might not understand me at all!"

"We can practice all of those. So, I'm Karkat." I put on a silly voice. "Hi, Nepeta. I shout a lot and curse so much my brother shouts at me."

She giggled and said, "No, be serious!"

"Alright, alright. Then…" I thought for a moment, then said. "Um, yeah, Nepeta, I feel the same way about you."

"Then I take his hand and ask him to go for a walk in the woods with me!" she said, practically bouncing out of her chair.

"Perfect," I said. "Now…Um, you see me all the time, Nepeta? I'm not invisible!"

"No, silly! I mean, like my sister and Kurloz, or Latula and Mituna. Like that."

"Oh! Um…yes. I'd like that," I said. "Great, Nepeta."

"Can we practice if he says no?" she asked.

"Of course," I said. "It'll be easier if you've practiced, if he does say no."

"Alright. I'm ready," she said.

"I'm sorry, Nepeta, but I don't feel that way about you."

Her face went flat like it does when she's hurt, and she said, "That's alright. Um…goodbye." She paused, then said, "Was that alright?"

"Yes, of course," I said. "Feel free to just leave. And you can come find me and we'll go home and make tea and talk about how stupid boys are."

"Alright," she said. "Um. Can you practice being mean?"

"I'll try," I said. "Um. Nepeta, you're so dumb! I don't like you at all!"

Her face went flat again and she was shaking terribly, and she burst out, "You're mean and awful and I'm glad you don't like me because I'd never want to be with someone like you!"

"Perfect, Kitty," I said. "Absolutely perfect."

"Huh?"

"Anyone who treats you like that isn't good enough for you, not by half. You deserve someone kind and compassionate."

"Yeah," she said. "But I don't think he'll be like that."

"I'm sure he won't be," I said. "For all he shouts, I don't think he's like his brother."

"Mama said Kankri and Karkat look like her husband. She said they're probably related," Nepeta said offhandedly.

I almost laughed. "How could those two be related to someone like Mama's husband? He was…he wasn't irritating and self-centered, or loud and rude."

"I think Karkat is like Mama's husband," Nepeta said defensively. "He's kind, really, and he wants things to be better for us, and he's willing to work hard for it. And he's a good leader!"

"Well, alright," I said. "But Kankri's nothing like Mama's husband."

"Not at all," Nepeta agreed.

I hope this goes well for her. I can tell he doesn't like her, but if he's cruel when he tells her no I'll have to find him and have words with him. No one should be allowed to treat my sister like that, especially not some oddball loudmouth with no sense of manners!

22 January 1638

The snow makes it harder than ever to hunt. It crunches underfoot and makes me easier for the animals to spot. But it makes them easier to see, too. I've been doing alright, and we're not hungry, so I think I'm managing.

I hope so, anyways.

25 January 1638

Nepeta did it today! She told Karkat she liked him, and…and like I thought, he turned her down. He said he didn't love her.

So she ran home to me and she burst into tears. She cried…different from when Mama died. She curled up in her favorite chair with her stuffed cat and cried quietly, her face hidden in its fur.

"Nepeta?"

"Leave me alone."

"Can you talk to me a little?"

"No! Leave me alone!"

She turned away from me and hid her face in her cat again.

"Alright," I said. "I'm right here if you want to talk."

She kept crying, so I left her alone for the time being. She should talk about it, I think, because I think it would…help her, at least a little. I think this is going to hurt her a lot, but…I think she'll get better, with time.

Well, she's too good for him, anyways. She deserves someone who loves her with all their heart, and someone who knows how to be soft and gentle. Not the loudest, rudest young man I've ever met. And she deserves someone who makes an effort with her, someone who tries to woo her with flowers and smiles. I know she liked him, but I think there are better people for her.

Or perhaps I'm just saying these things for her. I do want her to be with someone she likes. If she likes him, who am I to stand in the way of that?

29 January 1639

I'm sick to death of books written by men. The women in their stories have no desires or plans of their own. They might as well be trophies for the men who are heroes! Don't they understand what we do when they're not looking? Who do they think bears their children? Who ensures those children and the women bearing them survive? Who plants the gardens, keeps the house, defends the home when they're off having grand adventures?

I want to write a story about a woman who leaves her home to have her own grand adventure with her friends, leaving their husbands to keep the village working. It would be about the women, with a few chapters to be funny in the midst of the drama about the men at home stumbling all over themselves to care for their children and cook and clean and all that.

I sound so vindictive! I suppose I'm just fed up. I'm glad my fiancé (my fiancé!) isn't like that. We talked about it, and while he does have responsibilities I can't take on (being the eldest blood son of the duke), we're going to share as much of the work of homemaking as possible.

Although I think he has servants and such to do work for him, and for me. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I know that I will raise my own children. I will love and care for them all on my own, like my mama did for me.

1 February 1639

Kurloz was over today, so I thought I'd ask him about that.

"My dear?"

"Yes?"

"When we're married…who exactly keeps house?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when we're married, I'd normally expect to keep my own house, like I have here. But you live in a castle, with servants! I will be raising my own children-I won't compromise on that-but who exactly is in charge of the cooking and cleaning and all that?"

"The servants, of course," he said. "My father's wife's duties are, like my father's, largely political. Important celebrations, charity work, correspondence with other nobles, all that. I'll also have duties in Parliament, of course, but I shouldn't be away for too long at a time."

"Alright," I said. "Alright. I'm sorry, we should have talked about this before."

"No, I should have mentioned it," he said.

"I am going to raise our children," I said. "I'm sure I'll appreciate a nurse's help, but I will be raising our children."

"Yes," he said, with a little wistful smile. "I would like to be part of that."

"Of course," I said. "I love you. I want to raise children with you."

"Then I'm sure this will all turn out perfectly."

I smiled back and, after lunch, we kissed for a very long time.

6 February 1639

Horuss was by for lunch today to fuss, like he does.

"Are you sure you have enough?"

"Yes, Horuss."

"You're both eating well? Vegetables and meats?"

"Yes!"

"You have money for fabric and lard and shoes and milk and such?"

"My goodness, yes! I'm not incompetent, you know."

"I don't imagine you are."

"Then why do you interrogate me like this every time you visit?"

"I worry about you, Meulin. You worry to me quite often about money and about affording things. I simply wish to make sure you and your sister are alright."

"Thanks," I said. "I appreciate it. I'm sorry, it's not fair for me to take out my worries on you."

He nodded. "I understand. But I am not your parent, and do not wish to act like one."

"Thanks," I said. "What about you and Kurloz? How are you getting on?"

"Better than before," he said. "We have been talking some about some novels we both enjoy, and some poetry by Mr. Shakespeare."

"Oh, wonderful!" I said. "I love his plays."

"I am not so sure about the plays."

"How come?"

"Well, many believe that God does not approve of such frivolity."

"Well, that's just too bad," I said. "I enjoy the theater, and his plays are wonderfully constructed, purely for his use of language. Oh, never mind, that isn't what I wanted to talk about! I'm glad you and Kurloz are getting along better."

"Yes," he said. "Me as well."

"You are both very important to me," I said. "I'm glad you can be friends."

"He can be a little stiff in manner."

"So can you," I said gently.

He smiled, as soft as I've ever seen him, and hugged me before he left, which he doesn't do very often. It felt nice; he's one of my best friends, and it felt very safe to hug him.

I'm glad I have the friends I do. They love me, and I love them, and it's just wonderful to have people around who I love and who love me. It means I'm safe, and if I fall-if I don't have the money for lard and fabric, or I'm not eating-they're going to be there for me. If something terrible happened to me and I couldn't feed Nepeta, they'd help me take care of her.

My mama's family helped her when she was hurting, and she helped them. I'm going to have family like hers.

10 February 1639

Porrim and Latula came over today for tea. I've had a fair bit of work to do lately, so it was nice to sit down for a moment. We gossiped some about the new people in town, the families who came here a few years ago (not so new anymore, but newer than anyone else). Porrim says her sister's taken a liking to one of the young ladies, and Latula's sister to one of the young men. They seem like decent people, so none of us object, really, but of course we, as older sisters, must worry about those our younger sisters set their hearts on.

We also talked about our own lives, naturally. Porrim and Latula know I'm properly engaged now, and they think my dear is just darling for getting me the ring. I do too! It was a sweet gesture and it's a comfort to look at the ring and remember.

Latula talked about her married life with Mituna. She thanked Porrim for her little trick, and said that the two of them might wait a little bit to have children because they want to have a little money saved up first. Of course! I'm just glad they're so happy together.

Porrim still thinks settling down and marrying is overrated. I disagree, but that's her life and I'm living mine. We have different ways of being happy, and I'm of the opinion that above all else, as friends, we ought to support each other's happiness.

I tried to talk to Nepeta again today at dinner, and she still won't talk much about Karkat. I hope she does, soon.

15 February 1639

Nepeta finally talked to me some today.

"He wasn't mean, Meulin. You don't have to shout at him."

"Alright, Kitty."

"I'm just sad. He said no!"

"Oh, Nepeta…it's alright to be sad. It's perfectly alright. It hurts a lot when someone turns you down."

"You don't know, you have Kurloz."

"I do, but you remember Paul. He said no when I told him I liked him."

"Oh."

"It hurts a lot, and that's perfectly alright. Oh, Kitty…I'm so sorry. He doesn't know what he's missing."

"Not much," she said crossly. "I'm different. He knows it. Everyone does!"

"So what if you're different? You're still an amazing person. You're good at most everything you try and you're brilliant and creative and kind, and you're very pretty, too. If he doesn't like you because you're different, he doesn't deserve you."

"But I want him to!" she said. "I still like him!"

"It'll fade, Kitty."

"I don't want it to. Maybe he'll change his mind!"

"Or maybe he won't," I said gently. "Sometimes you need to let these things go."

"Easy for you to say. You're engaged."

"That's not fair," I said.

"Yes it is," she said. "You have someone who likes you back."

"And you will too, someday, if that's what you want," I said. "But it might not be Karkat. It could be someone else. You just need to keep your eyes open."

"Fine," she said. "But I'm going to keep liking him."

"Fair enough," I said. "Just…please don't let him hurt you."

"I'll try," she said with a little smile.

She'll be alright. She will be.

18 February 1639

I wish I could talk to my mama about this. I'm worried about my responsibilities in the castle. My whole life I've been common, keeping house and caring for my sister and being the midwife. But if I'm in the castle, all my responsibilities become political and I'm not sure I can the midwife anymore. I certainly won't be cooking and all that!

It's just something I didn't think much about until we discussed it. I love him, there's no question of that, and I want to marry him. I'm just not sure what to think about this new dimension to it all. I'm a normal person. There's nothing special or noble about me. I wasn't raised for this life, and I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. I believe, like my mother did, that there's nothing inherently special about the nobles, and even if there was I am of that blood, but upbringing counts for something, and I was brought up common.

At least our children will be brought up knowing what their lives are to be. And they'll have a proper education! The education Mama gave Nepeta and me was wonderful in many ways, but it will never be the kind of education I can write down or have a degree from. I learned so much, but none of it in a school. My children will have that benefit.

I'm so excited to hold my little one in my arms. I know it will be hard to be pregnant and give birth-no one knows better than the midwife-but having a baby! I think that will be the most joyful day of my life, when I am allowed to hold my beautiful baby in my arms.

I won't tell anyone, but I hope it's a little girl.

23 February 1639

I know sometimes with births someone…someone doesn't make it, but it's so hard whenever it happens. Today the little boy didn't make it. The mother, Elizabeth, managed, but her little baby did not. His little fingers and toes were blue when he was born; he couldn't breathe in this world.

Nepeta could tell. She can always tell when it doesn't go well, because I know I'm much quieter than normal. She touched my arm and said, "You're not a bad midwife."

"Thank you, Kitty."

She sent Button to cuddle with me after supper, too, which helped. I'm glad we have a cat, because it means we have someone else besides just each other. Even just a cat.

28 February 1639

Damara was over today, and she's noticed Rufioh's odd behavior. It's only a matter of time before this entire mess explodes, and I hope at least Damara comes out as unharmed as she possibly can.

I didn't say anything to her, because I will not be the one to hurt her, but it's making me nervous. She's going to get hurt, and I just hope I can help her. I'll be there for her when it does happen, if I can't make Rufioh do the right thing.

I'll give him one more chance.

3 March 1639

I talked to Rufioh again today, telling him to pull his act together and be honest with Damara and Horuss, and he shifted foot to foot and said, "Why should I?"

"What on Earth do you mean?"

"Why shouldn't I just…keep going?"

"Because it's dishonest and it's going to fall apart and end up hurting someone."

"But it's been working for this long."

"You just don't understand what you're doing wrong, do you?" I asked.

He looked guilty, but said, "You have no right to interfere in my love life."

I sighed and said, "Alright, fine. Clearly you're only going to learn your lesson when it all goes wrong. Don't come crying to me when that happens."

"I won't," he said. "Because it won't."

I rolled my eyes and left, because he clearly does not know what he's doing. He'll suffer the consequences before long.

I'm glad my darling is kind and honest. I'm never going to have to deal with this nonsense.

8 March 1639

It happened today. Damara came to my home in tears and said, "He's been lying to me?"

"Damara?"

"Rufioh! He was lying to me! He was seeing Horuss behind my back this entire time! He doesn't love me-he never did!" She burst into tears and threw herself into a chair, folding her arms on the table to cry into.

"Damara, I'm so sorry," I said. "He…that's an awful thing to do. I'm so sorry. Tea?"

She nodded.

"He's such a bastard!" she sobbed. "How could he do that to me? He said he loved me! He said he was going to marry me!"

"Oh, Damara…" I said. "Hey, do you want me to get Porrim and Latula? We'll all hate him together if you like."

"Could you?" she asks. "I couldn't stand to be in the village anymore."

"Of course," I said. "Just sip your tea and take some deep breaths. I can mix something up for your nerves if you like."

"No thanks," she said. "I think I just need the tea."

"Alright, I'll be back as quick as possible," I said.

I ran into the village and found my friends; Latula doing laundry in her home and singing to herself, and Porrim cooking away for her elderly aunt who's been staying with them. I told them Damara needed us and to come to my house, and so the three of us made it back to my home and we all sat around the table with Damara.

"He's rotten," Porrim said. "Absolutely rotten. No one should treat you like that. You're amazing, Dam. Anyone'd be lucky to have you."

"Yeah," Latula said. "You had every right to leave him behind. You…you did leave him behind, right?"

"Mm-hmm," Damara said. "I…I can't believe he'd do that to me."

"Rotten to the core," Porrim repeated.

"He was so good, though," Damara said. "He was so kind and sweet, and he gave me the most beautiful necklace when he said he wanted to marry me…"

"I'm sure he meant well," I said. "He mustn't have meant any harm. Doesn't excuse that he hurt you, of course."

"I thought this was going to work!" she moaned. "What am I going to do?"

"Weave," Porrim offered.

"Do laundry," Latula said.

"Sew," I suggested. "You have choices, Damara. No reason to force yourself to marry him-or anyone-if he's being terrible to you."

"It just hurts," she said.

"Of course it does," I said, taking her hand. "But you're worth more than that."

"Men never know what they have," Porrim said. "You deserve much better."

"The right person will make you really happy," Latula said. "You won't even know what hit you. You'll just be happy."

"I was happy," Damara said. "I was so happy!"

"Were you?" Porrim asked. "Or did you just get used to having him?"

"I don't know," Damara said miserably. "Does it matter?"

"I think so," Porrim said. I nudged her, because I didn't think this would help Damara much, not when it was so fresh and painful.

"Cry all you need to," I said. "It's alright."

She did start crying again, and so we sat with her until she felt better.

"Want to stay with me tonight?" I asked. "We have an extra room." Well, we sort of do. It's my mama's old room.

"No, thank you," she said. "I…I'll be alright. I'll go home and…and talk to my mother, and my sister. I'll manage."

"You'll be wonderful," I said.

"You don't need him," Porrim said.

"You'll find someone," Latula said.

"We'll walk you home," Porrim said, taking Damara's arm gently. "Thanks for the tea, Meulin."

"Of course, any time," I said. "Feel free to stop by any time, Damara."

"Thank you," she said, and the three of them left for the village.

I hope she feels better. I knew this would go horribly wrong, and I'm of the opinion that Rufioh deserved it. It won't last between him and Horuss, anyone could tell. They'll fade out before long.

13 March 1639

Horuss was over for lunch today and I could tell her felt guilty.

"I'm sure you heard about Damara," I said, and even I could hear the resentment in my voice.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"You're sorry?" I asked skeptically.

"It was wrong of me to continue to see Rufioh when I knew he was seeing Damara. I…I understand she is hurting a good deal right now."

"You're not kidding," I said.

"I'm sorry," he said again.

"I'm not the one you ought to apologize to," I said.

"You seem upset with me."

"Well, I am, somewhat. But I'm not the one you need to apologize to. Really, Rufioh ought to be apologizing, but that's not going to happen, certainly."

"I can ask him to."

"It's worth a try," I said. "But I think you ought to apologize to her, too. You knew what you were doing."

"I know," I said. "Can you forgive me?"

I felt a little softer for him asking and said, "Yes, I can. Whether or not she can is another matter. But you're my best friend, and I don't think you meant to hurt anyone, so…I'm not angry."

"Thank you," he said, sounding relieved.

I nodded. "Of course. Would you like some tea?"

"Allow me," he said. He does feel awfully responsible to Nepeta and me, and part of that is apparently offering to make tea every time I offer him. He's not even much older than me-hardly even a year! But his father was friends with my mother, and we are orphans, so I suppose it makes sense.

I don't mind. It's nice to know someone worries about us, even when we're alright.

16 March 1639

Kurloz was by today for supper, which he isn't often, but is nice. Nepeta says she likes him, and I like it when they get along! They're two of the most important people to me, so I'd like them to get along. He has a way with her, even though she's different in ways not many people understand. He's very kind, really, even though sometimes he has a bit of a temper. Well, who doesn't? I've been losing my temper with Rufioh lately.

Anyways, the food was good if I do say so myself and it was lovely to talk with my darling and my sister, and it was a nice evening.

20 March 1639

Kurloz was by for lunch today like he does, and so we talked about not much but also about our future.

"When does your sister turn eighteen?"

"In forty-one."

"Two and a half years?"

"Yes."

"And you can't marry before then?"

"No."

"No way?"

"Absolutely not. If she tries to get married before then, I won't let her. She'll be too young to know for sure. And I won't marry until she's old enough to be on her own."

"Alright," he said.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I know it's hard for you to wait. But I can't leave her."

"I know," he said. "It's just that my father has been finding young women for me to talk to, trying to catch my fancy. If we could marry, he might stop."

"Can't you tell him we're engaged?"

"I'm still trying to persuade him I can marry a common woman."

"You've got yourself a bit of quandary there!"

"Yes, I do," he agreed with a wry smile. "I am trying, I promise. And I promise you I will keep loving you. It's just hard to wait."

"I love you too," I said. "And I don't want to wait, either. But I have to."

He nodded, and sipped his tea.

It's true-I don't want to wait. I want to marry him right now and have a wonderful wedding night and have children together, and have a new life with him. I'm not sure what it'll be like, having all those new responsibilities, but I think it might be fun! It will certainly be a new adventure, and I'm always ready for that! I'm sure I'll find time to continue my midwife work, because that means more to me than anything, but I'll have all sorts of new jobs.

I do want to have a wedding night with him, too. When we kiss these days, there's this lovely shiver all up and down my spine, and my heart beats faster, and I feel this heat in my stomach somewhere. I want him! But we're not married, and I want to be married. Partially so there's no risk of being pregnant when I'm not married, and partially because I want it to be special. My mama told me when she told me about this that it's alright if you're not married, but it was always my choice. I want my wedding night to be special, so I'm going to wait.

I think my mama felt the same way, but to be honest, I never asked her. It never felt like quite the right moment to ask her about her love life.

I could read her journals and find out, I suppose, but I said I wouldn't and I won't. I won't.

25 March 1639

Nepeta finished the most beautiful needlepoint today, of a flower garden. It was absolutely gorgeous! I put it up on the wall with her others. You can tell by looking how much better she's gotten over the years. She wasn't bad when she started, but she's even better now. Sometimes for my birthday she'll embroider one of my skirts for me, and it's always beautiful. By now all of my skirts are decorated with lovely floral patterns I love! We must have the prettiest clothes of anyone in the village, thanks to her.

29 March 1639

Kurloz and I were kissing today and we were lying on the couch, him on top of me, when he ran a hand down my hair and to my chest.

I gasped aloud and pushed his hand away. "Kurloz!"

"Oh-I'm sorry. I thought it would feel nice."

"I-we're not married!"

"No, we're not, but this isn't-it's just touching. I'm sorry."

"No, no, it's alright," I said. And it was. It felt lovely once I got over the shock. "Um…you can…keep touching me there. It's alright."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said, feeling sure of myself for once.

"Alright," he said, and he kissed me again and he kept touching me, and it just felt…wonderful. I'm glad Nepeta wasn't home to hear me, because she is fifteen and old enough to know about this sort of thing, but this is my private life! Mine and his and no one else's.

I'm glad we have it.