2 April 1639
Kurloz mentioned his friend Eliza again today.
"I'm not sure I can be friends with her anymore."
"Why not? Did she say something awful?"
"I can tell she still loves me. And I think it's just a recipe for disaster."
"How? You promised me, and I promised you; we're going to marry soon enough."
"I'm afraid she'll try to do something to disrespect our relationship," he said. "She keeps flirting with me, and I wish she wouldn't, but I can't be her friend and never talk to her at the same time. And every time we speak, she flirts!"
"You don't need to stop talking to her on my account," I said. "I don't mind-I trust you."
"I know," he said. "I love that about you. But I can't keep doing it."
"Alright," I said. "I understand. But if you change your mind, don't worry about me. Be friends with whoever you like."
"Thank you," he said.
I'm sorry he feels that way. I'm glad he doesn't feel like I'm forcing him to give up this friendship, because I don't think he has to, but I understand it would be awfully difficult to be friends with someone who didn't respect that I'm engaged. I probably wouldn't be friends with someone under those circumstances, either.
I'm glad Horuss doesn't like me that way. He's such a good friend, but he's never acted like he wants something else. I don't think he does! It's nice.
On the note of men I know, I saw Kankri today in the village and he went off on another lecture of his. He's going to drive me mad one of these days. No wonder Cronus likes him-they're the two most irritating men alive. They'd be perfect together.
Oh, that sounds awful. They would be good together, balance each other in a lot of good ways, but they do both irritate me in their own special ways. I'm not going to push them together; they'll have to do it all on their own. Normally I'm happy to help my friends find love, but I just have so little patience with those two. They'll drive me mad one of these days, I just know it.
5 April 1639
Latula and Porrim and Damara haven't had as much time to spend together lately, since Latula's married and Porrim has to take care of her aunt and I've had more work and Damara's been trying to work things out. I guess, basically, we're growing up. I'm sure the same happens to most people, but I like spending time with my friends! I don't want to lose that to age.
I suppose I haven't lost it yet, really. We still spend time together and have tea, and I do invite them over when I can. Maybe it just takes more effort when you're older.
10 April 1639
Nepeta found me today after I finished hunting and work and planting in the garden.
"Meulin, if you love Kurloz and you want to marry him, why don't you?"
"Because I won't until you're old enough."
"I'm plenty old enough!"
"I haven't even taught you to hunt, Kitty."
"You could. You could teach me to hunt while you plan your wedding."
"Kitty, I'm not going to. I don't want to leave you on your own before you're ready! If you're not, I can't just take it back and come home again."
"Fine," she said, and I could tell she was irate with me.
"I don't mean to treat you like a child-you're not," I said. "But I wasn't ready when Mama passed, even though I thought I was."
"Alright," she conceded. "But will you teach me to hunt?"
"When you're sixteen," I said.
She smiled and poked me. "You're silly."
"So are you, Kitty."
"Love you."
"Love you, too."
13 April 1639
Kurloz, sweetheart that he is, brought over some of the herbs I have trouble finding in the village today. There's just some that can really help but I must use sparingly because they're hard to find. I tried to pay him, but he insisted they were a gift. He said he knows my work is hard a lot of the time, and the least he could do was help a little.
It's very sweet of him. He knows that I have a lot to do, all the time, and it's so kind of him to help out when he can. And it's sweet when he surprised me like this! Sometimes I worry because I know these things he likes to give me are expensive, but he does have a lot of money, even if much of it is from having servants and such.
Once we're married, I'll have the kind of power I'd need to set about changing these things, the way my mama and her family tried to. I'll make changes so the money doesn't come out of some poor farmer's pockets. If that means less, so be it. I've had less all my life and I'm just fine. My children won't need all that wealth to be happy; I don't think giving up some of that will make them any less joyful.
I'm sure the old duke will object to it, but I don't care. He'll be old and it won't be his responsibility. He can rail all he wants, but the fact is he's old and his beliefs are hurting people. With a new generation comes new ideas, and my ideas will hurt fewer people, and that ought to be everyone's goal. It's certainly mine and my darling's!
17 April 1639
The forget-me-nots are starting to grow back in the clearing. They grow on their own, without Nepeta's or my help, but it's still a relief when they begin to grow back in the spring. As long as the forget-me-nots grow in the clearing, I think my mother and her old family will be remembered. Considering the good they did, I hope so.
Eight years ago yesterday, Mama found me in the alley. I'm so glad she did. If she hadn't, we both would've died.
21 April 1639
Horuss was by for lunch today, and I could tell he was worried again.
"Is it your father?" I guessed.
"What?"
"You seem tired. Is it your father's health again?"
He nodded.
"Let me come by and try a few things."
"We can afford to see a physician."
"I know. But I know a few things a physician might not. Let me try, at least. If I can help at all, wouldn't it be better for your father? Even if I can't, it won't do any harm."
His shoulders dropped, and he nodded. "Alright. Can you come visit in a few days?"
"A few days?"
"The physician is coming in two days. If he does suddenly recover, I would not want you to make the trip for nothing, when there are many who need your help and much work for you to do otherwise."
"I appreciate it," I said. "In the meanwhile, can you tell me his symptoms? What's wrong with him?"
"Well," Horuss said. "He has a fever. Low, but persistent. A cough, and he says he has an awful headache. He seems tired. And his eyes are bloodshot."
"Alright," I said, already thinking through what I might mix up. "Well, before I arrive, make him tea with lemon and honey. It'll help with the cough."
He nodded. "Thank you, Meulin."
"Of course. It's my work."
"I appreciate it nonetheless," he said.
I smiled. "Well, I'll see you then. I need to tend the garden."
I suspect influenza, and I do have remedies for that. Well, remedies-treatments, really. It's hard to treat disease, really, since we're not sure what causes it! My mother has books from far-off places that say disease is caused by tiny particles in someone's body, too small to see. It sounds correct, but we don't know how those cause diseases. I can't cure something whose causation is a complete mystery, not really.
But I can make them comfortable and manage the symptoms, and that helps a lot. Herbs that open someone's chest can save their life, or herbs that stop or cause vomiting. I hope I can help Horuss's father; he's my friend.
25 April 1639
I went to Horuss's home today with all my herbs and mixes, and when I arrived he opened the door and said, "The physician didn't help much. I hope you can."
"I'll do my very best." I went into his father's room and said, "Mr. Zahhak, I'm Meulin Leijon. I'm going to help you with some medicines."
He coughed and said, "Dianna?"
"No, Mr. Zahhak. I'm Meulin. Her daughter."
"Dianna, you've returned!"
"Mr. Zahhak, I'm not Dianna. She was my mother. She passed two years ago." Almost to the day. "I'm going to treat you."
He nodded vaguely, but he kept talking to me like I was my mother. I didn't try to stop him because I know sometimes, with people who have fevers, it's easy to be confused, and it's useless to correct them until they're better.
"Dianna, I am sorry, you must believe me…I should not have killed him."
"What?" I said, aloud.
"Please," he said. "I know I have told you before, but if you are back…I am sorry to have killed him. I know you loved him, and it hurt you…I am so sorry."
I kept mashing the herbs I'd selected (I had to give him a few different ones in different mixes, and then leave some behind for taking later), but said, "Mr. Zahhak, I am not Dianna. You don't need to apologize to me."
"Why are you calling me Mr. Zahhak? I do not call you Miss Leijon."
I choked on air. "I'm sorry?"
"We are friends, correct?" he said, sounding desperate. "We do not need to be so formal."
"What did you call me?"
"Miss Leijon?" he said. "Oh, I'm sorry. Mrs. Vantas. Please forgive me; my mind is going."
I didn't say anything to that, because I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't know that was my mother's maiden name. It's not a common last name; only the nobles in the area have it. How could she have had that name? And all that about killing her love? How could my mother have been friends with someone who killed her husband when she loved him so much?
"Take some of this," I said.
"Thank you," he said. "Dianna…I know we will never be friends as we once were, but please…I am so sorry."
I wanted him to feel better, so I said, "It's quite alright."
"Thank you," he said.
"Some of this, too," I said, giving him another sort of tea.
"If you are back…what of Luke?"
"Luke?"
"If you can be back, why not your family? I know you have missed them. I-your husband? Is he back? Could you bring him here?"
"He-I'm not Dianna. Nobody's back." Seeing him like that…I felt my heart breaking. He thought I was my mother. He thought he could make amends to me.
"I need to tell you something. I-I lied to you. I should not have. I was frightened."
"You don't need to tell me."
"I do. Your friend, your Simonn-he is not dead."
"I'm sorry?" My mama did talk about her best friend Simonn, but she said he passed away a long time ago. He has a headstone in the graveyard, for heavens' sake.
"He is not dead. Her Majesty has him. I could not bear for you to know the truth."
"It's alright," I said. "It's alright." If he didn't know I was me, I don't know if he'd know when it was. Simonn could be long dead by now for all I know. "Don't worry about that anymore."
He nodded, looking relieved.
"How are your daughters?" he asked.
"I am Dianna's daughter!" I said. "I'm Meulin."
"Yes, how is Meulin?"
"I am her! I…she's fine," I said, giving up. "Doing well. Learning the trade…and all that."
"You must be teaching her well," he said fondly.
"She did teach me well," I said.
"And Nepeta?"
"She's doing very well."
"Oh, that is very good to hear," he said. "Are you all eating enough? Do you have enough money for fabric and milk and such?" I suppose I know where Horuss gets it.
"Yes," I said. "We have enough. Take some of this."
"Are you feeling any better?" he asked.
"Feeling…better?" I asked.
"Are you drinking your tea?"
"Um…yes," I said. I don't know what tea he meant. "Of course. Every day."
"I'm glad," he said. "Please, tell me if you ever need anything. You know I am here for you."
"Yes…I do," I said. "I appreciate it."
"Dianna-"
"I'm not Dianna," I said, once more, as I handed him the last medicine-the one for the fever. "I'm her daughter, Meulin."
"Dianna, thank you for everything," he said.
"Of course," I said. "It's my work to heal people."
He smiled vaguely. "You have done me a great service."
"Mr. Zahhak, I have to leave now. I'm going to leave behind some medicines for you to take over the next few days, and if you don't feel better, please send for me so I can continue to treat you."
"I'll see you soon, Dianna. I'm so glad you're back."
"I'm not Dianna," I said, one more time. "I'm Meulin. Feel better."
I left and told Horuss roughly the same thing, and said, "I'm awfully tired. I'm going to go home. Come find me if he doesn't feel better."
"Are you alright?" he asked.
"I am," I said. "This work is tiring. I'll be back in a few days to check on him, unless you need me to come back earlier."
"Alright," he said. "I will see you soon."
"See you."
I went home and now I'm puzzling over everything he told me. What is all this with Simonn? How did my mother have the maiden name Leijon, if she wasn't my blood mother? And did Horuss's father kill my mother's husband? How could they be friends after that?
I could probably find this out if I read her journals, but I can't. And I'm not sure I can ask Mr. Zahhak once he's coherent again. He thought I was my mama. He probably wouldn't have told me any of that or even mentioned if if he'd known who I was. When I go back…he might not even remember saying anything.
I suppose I'll find out.
28 April 1639
I went back today, and he was much better.
"Mr. Zahhak, do you remember seeing me three days ago?"
"Perhaps?" he said. "I am not sure."
"Alright," I said. "You have had influenza. I gave you some medicines to help you. I'm back to see how you're feeling."
"I was not feeling well," he said, sounding awfully disoriented. "I had the strangest dreams."
"That can happen with a fever," I said. "If you've been having nightmares, though, I can give you something to help you sleep." I didn't want him to remember thinking I was my mother.
"No, thank you," he said. Then he made a strange face, like he was remembering something from long ago. "Has anyone told you you look remarkably like your mother?"
"Yes," I said.
"She must have taught you well. I do feel much better."
"That's good to hear," I said. "I have a few more mixes for you to take, to help with your recovery. Just these two."
"Thank you," he said.
"Mr. Zahhak, can you tell me what symptoms you're experiencing?"
"My head aches," he said. "I have an awful cough, and my joints hurt as well. I am tired almost constantly. I do not think I have a fever anymore, as I am no longer disoriented."
"That's good," I said. "If your fever's down, you should be well on the way to recovery. Just send for me if you aren't feeling better in a few days."
He nodded. "Tell your mother hello from me."
"Mr. Zahhak, my mother passed away two years ago."
"Oh," he said. "Oh, yes. I-I remember now. I'm sorry."
"If you're having trouble with memory, I can help with that too."
"I have been losing my memory as of late, but I am not sure much can be done about it. Your mother was a wonderful woman. I hope you know that."
"She was," I agreed. "Is there anything else you need?"
"No," he said. "Thank you for doing the work you do."
"Of course," I said. "I ought to go. Have a nice day."
"You as well," he said, and he waved as I left.
If he's anything like Horuss, he's a truly terrible liar. So he probably does think he saw my mother in a dream, and he probably doesn't really remember me coming to treat him. If he does, it's in a dreamy kind of way. He doesn't remember telling me everything he did. And I probably can't ask him about any of it, either. He would probably panic and deny everything, say he was delirious.
Maybe I can talk it over with Kurloz. He might know something.
2 May 1639
I talked about it with Kurloz today, and he helped a little.
"There's just so much I don't know. What's all this with Simonn, and did Mr. Zahhak really kill my mama's husband, and how could they be friends after that, and how could my mother have my surname for her maiden name? I just don't understand!"
"I wish I could help you."
"You could ask your father," I said hopefully. "He might know something."
"I suppose," he said. "I'm not sure what he'd say. He might not tell me anything either."
"You don't have to," I said. "If you do, just…please tell me. There's just so much she never told me and…I don't know. I feel like she died before I had the chance to know her."
"I'm sorry," he said. "I can try. I don't know what my father would tell me, or how much of it would be the truth." He paused, then said, "Why can't you just find her journals?"
"I have. I'm not going to read them."
"What? Why not, if you want to know her?"
"They were private. I'm not going to take that from her."
"She's gone, Meulin."
"She is, but that doesn't mean I can just start going through her secrets. I won't want everyone to read my journals when I'm gone!"
He shrugged. "If that's what you want to do."
"What, do you think I shouldn't?"
"It's up to you, Meulin," he said, like he was frustrated.
"What's wrong? Do you think I should?"
"I think you need to cope with her death, and you can't keep acting as if she's still here."
"I am coping! I'm fine, really. I just want to treat her with respect, even after death."
"Alright," he said. "I understand. I wouldn't want to violate my mother's privacy, even now. I'll ask my father and see what he says."
"Thank you, Kurloz. I appreciate it."
"Of course, Meulin," he said softly.
Maybe he's right. I don't want to read her journals, still, but I can't keep acting like she might come back. She's gone. I need to live with that, and move forward. If I keep living in the past, I'll never make the new life for myself I want, and she wanted for me.
6 May 1639
Kurloz did ask his father about my mother, although he did just call her Disciple. He said he asked his father about "this Disciple woman" because he'd heard her name mentioned and was curious, so his father doesn't know he has any connection, just in case. (Also so his father doesn't know about me yet.)
"He said that she was a rebel, and she was captured back in twenty-three and her husband, the leader of the gang, was executed and the rest of her gang was sold into slavery. Apparently she survived because the executioner spared her life after she gave some speech."
"Did you ask who the executioner was?"
"Yes. My father said a man named Zahhak."
"So it's true."
"I suppose so. Meulin, I'm sorry…"
"What for?"
"He broke your mother."
"He did, but if she forgave him, so will I."
"You're going to forgive him?"
"It's not my place to be upset with him if my mother wasn't."
He shrugged and said, "Alright, if that's what you feel."
"It is," I said. My mama told me that people are good, really, and want to do what's right. So I trust that Mr. Zahhak, whatever he did, he wanted to do what was right. And if my mama forgave him for killing her love, what right do I have to hold it against him? I never even knew the man, and there was more than that in my mother's grief.
9 May 1639
Kitty said at dinner that I'm spending too much time with Kurloz again. Well, not in so many words, but she told me she feels like I'm not spending so much time with her. I'm glad she told me. I want to be a good sister and have my own life with my friends and my darling, and it can be a hard balance to strike! But as long as Kitty reminds me when I'm spending too much time away from her, I think I can manage.
14 May 1639
Porrim was over for tea today, and she said I'm not in the village so often.
"I'm busy so much these days! Midwife work, hunting, gardening, sewing, spending time with Kurloz, spending time with Nepeta-I have a lot to do!"
"Well, alright. You could spend less time with Kurloz."
"Porrim…"
"Men aren't worth it, Meulin. You're a romantic. I'm a realist."
"You're a cynic."
"Well, I think it's worth it to have friends outside a relationship."
"I do too! I am very busy. I want to be your friend, and I care about you a lot! It's just hard to find the time to go into the village not for work these days."
"Alright," she said. "I believe you. I can try to come out here more often, if that's easier for you."
"It is, but you have your aunt. I can try to visit you more often, too."
"My aunt's fine, and my sister can take better care of her than I can. I don't like her much anyway. She's been pushing me to find a man and settle down."
"Sounds irritating," I said. It does. I'm glad my mama always let me make my own choices when it comes to love and all that.
"It is," Porrim said. "My father says to be kind because she's old and his sister, but I'm low on patience with the woman. Kanaya handles it much better than me, even though she's in love with a woman. I've no idea how she does it."
"She'd be a good midwife," I said.
"I'm sure she would be," Porrim said.
"If she's ever interested, I'd love to teach her," I said. "It'd be easier to do this with two."
"I'll tell her," Porrim said.
"I have my mother's and her mother's notebooks, too," I said. "So she can always come have a look at those. They wrote down everything."
"Neither of us can read," Porrim said flatly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, wincing. "I could teach her."
"You could teach all of us," Porrim said. "I'd sure appreciate it."
I don't know why, but that statement hit me like a wave of exhaustion, and I felt so overwhelmed I had to sit down.
"Meulin, are you alright?"
"I-I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Hey, it's-it's alright. Meulin, can you look at me?"
I was shaking all over and I couldn't breathe, not really, and I could feel my eyes tearing up, and I remember something like this happening to my mother. She said they happened to her because of the hard things she'd seen and been through, but they could happen to anyone for a lot of reasons.
"I'm alright," I said. "I-I'm having a bad moment. I'm sorry."
"Nothing to apologize for, jeez. You dying?"
"No. It's just…something that happens, sometimes, to people. When there's too much happening. I need some tea…chamomile. And valerian, and lemon, if I have any. My mother's mix for calming the nerves."
"Need any help?"
"No, I can…" I tried to stand up, but my legs collapsed underneath me. "Yes, please."
"Just point me," Porrim said.
So I directed her to mix up the tea and then steeped a cup and drank it. "I'm sorry about that."
"It's alright," Porrim said. "You don't have to teach us to read, if you don't have time. If that's what you're worried about. It was just a suggestion."
"Sorry," I said. I'm not sure why. I just couldn't stop apologizing, and I don't know why.
"It's fine," she said, rubbing my back. "Hey. It's alright. Take a deep breath. You're fine."
"Thanks, Porrim," I said.
"Any time, Meu," she said.
I feel better now, but I don't know what that was about. My mama said that when those happen, it's your body giving you a sign that something is wrong, something emotional rather than physical. Maybe I am doing too much-trying to be too much. I need to take a rest. Maybe I should take a few days off from all my work, and just read and sleep and drink my favorite tea.
That sounds nice. Maybe I'll take a bath. I haven't in a couple of weeks, and my mama said we ought to bathe once a week. I'll warm up the water and everything!
It sounds heavenly. My mama always said it was important to look after yourself, especially as the midwife. She said if you're not doing well yourself, it's harder to really care for others. And I want to help others! That's the midwife's job. People in the village sometimes say how I'm young for a midwife, and how I've never had a baby, but I'm doing good work and helping people.
The last thing my mama did was teach me how to help someone have a baby, so I think I'm qualified, anyways.
Come to think of it, I don't know anything about my mother's first child. His name was Luke and he died when he was fourteen months old, but I don't know if he looked like his mother or his father, what his first word was, or how old he was when he stood up for the first time. She never talked about him much. I can only imagine it hurt.
I wish I knew the answers. I don't know much about my mother at all, it seems.
18 May 1639
Kurloz was over today for lunch, which was wonderful timing because tomorrow I'm going back to work. I've spent a few days not doing much, and Kitty said she was glad I was resting a little. I spent a lot of time with her, reading and walking in the woods and going to the clearing and just talking. Anyways, we talked some, and I told him about taking a rest.
"I needed to rest, so I can do my work better."
"Meulin, you are an angel," he said with the sweetest smile.
"Thank you," I said, blushing terribly.
"I mean it," he said sincerely.
I went very red and looked down.
"I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime," he said shyly.
"That sounds nice," I said. "How does a walk in the woods sound?"
"Oh, I had an idea," he said. "If you'll promise to be out of the house after five and come home before seven."
"Alright," I said. "Sounds exciting!"
"I hope so," he said, with the cutest smile. He's just the sweetest! I'm sure he's planning to cook for me, and maybe…oh, I don't know what he'll do! It's kind of exciting. He's probably picked something he knew I'd like, to surprise me. He does like to surprise me! It feels very nice. He tries to take care of me and make me feel cherished. I think he knows I just feel so wrung out and tired that if he just does everything, I can relax, and that's what I need.
I'm glad I can talk to him about how worried I get. It's easy to feel overwhelmed, and talking to him about it always makes me feel better. It's also nice to be able to help him with his problems with his father. I know it's hard for him, with his father just…being the way he is. His father's wife isn't much help, either; she's quiet and dutiful, and she really only talks to Kurloz when he talks to her first.
I think this is what it's supposed to be, to love someone. We can talk to each other and help each other, and he knows what I need, and I know what he needs. It's good.
22 May 1639
Our outing was today! It was lovely.
I spent the two hours in the village with my friends, talking about nothing and laughing together, and when I returned home he'd cooked and set the table with a delicious meal.
"Your sister already ate," he said. "This is just for us."
I smiled and sat, and the food was delicious. I think he brought some food from home, because what I have and normally eat is not nearly that nice. Once we were done, we walked north, towards his home, and I realized we were going to the theater!
"A play?" I asked.
"Yes," he said. "A comedy. I think you might like it."
I smiled and said, "I'm sure I will."
He smiled back so sweet I thought I might melt.
Once we were at the theater, he led me up to a seat near the center. I've never actually sat in a theater before! I could feel people staring at us, and I didn't like that much, but it was nice to sit to watch the play. It was very funny! I laughed aloud so much my stomach hurt. It felt so good to relax and enjoy myself with my darling.
I think I ought to talk to him about these things, though. He says it's no skin off his back to spend money on nice things for me, but when he does it too much I feel a little nervous about how I can't really repay him. The only way I could repay him is once we're married, and then it would still be his money. I haven't mentioned it, of course, and I can't expect him to know what I'm thinking if I don't say it, so I just have to say it.
Oh, that doesn't matter now! The night was wonderful, and he walked me home, and when we were home I kissed him for a long, long time. His lips are so soft and he kisses so well, so much better than even a month or two ago. The play was exactly what I liked, and the food was delicious.
It's good. I love him.
27 May 1639
Horuss was over today, and I couldn't resist telling him about the play, even though I know he doesn't approve of such frivolity.
"It was amazing," I said. "I don't think I've ever laughed so hard."
"Hm," he said. "Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it."
"I know you don't like theater," I said. "But I love it!"
"Well, to each his own, I suppose," Horuss said. "Was it expensive?"
"I did not spend money I need on a play," I said. "Kurloz paid for it. How are you two getting on, anyways?"
"Decently well," Horuss said. "He is actually quite interesting."
I smiled. "I knew you two would be friends!"
He smiled back, which is rare for him.
"Oh, um. Horuss. I've been meaning to ask. Is there any way you could ask your father about my mother? I know they were friends. I just have so many questions…"
"Are there any in particular you would like me to ask?"
"I want to know what he meant about Simonn. And how she had my last name for her maiden name!"
"Her maiden name was Leijon?"
"Yes. I don't know how she could be related to the local nobles!"
He choked on his tea. "I'm sorry?"
"Did I never-Horuss, my blood parents are the Lord and Lady Leijon. I ran away from home because they were starving us, and once my mother found me and took me in, I went back for Kitty. There's no one else in the area with this surname."
"Your blood parents were looking for you!"
"I'm sure they were, but they think we're dead. They don't deserve to call us their daughters, after what they did."
"What did they do?"
"They starved us. We had plenty, and they forced us to go hungry. We had nights we thought we'd die from the pain."
"Do you not think they cared? That they went looking for you?"
"Maybe they did. But they didn't look very hard if they didn't find us, and they…they had chances. I ran away when I was eleven, after nights of begging them on my knees for food. If they didn't see what was wrong then, they never would. My mama loved Nepeta and me. She raised us. Even if we weren't always full, she never held anything back."
Horuss looked uncomfortable, a bit like Kurloz did. I suppose if you've never heard of such a thing, it must seem mad and scandalous. But Mama raised us, and loved us, and taught us to love ourselves. We didn't have much, and we don't now, but she always gave us what she could. And when I was tired or sad or hurting or hating myself, she would be there for me.
My mama loved me. Anyone who thinks that she was wrong to do what she did for me can leave me alone.
1 June 1639
It's getting to be awfully hot out. But Latula came over to my home today to invite me to a birthday party, Mituna's! I'm excited for it. I think it'll be fun! Their first party as a couple in their own home! We are all growing up, aren't we? Hosting our own parties for our own friends to eat and drink and be merry (though I hope tomorrow we don't die!).
It's going to be such fun!
5 June 1639
Today was Mituna's party! It was such fun. The two of them cooked a delicious meal for us, and it was such fun to spend time with my dear friends. Horuss was there, but Kurloz and Cronus and Meenah weren't-it was too far to come to visit.
Damara said she was glad Meenah wasn't there. I wasn't sure why, but Damara told Latula and Porrim and me that Meenah's been taunting her about all that nonsense with Horuss and Rufioh. So I told her next time I saw Meenah I'd give her a piece of my mind. Why does she have to be so cruel?
It was great fun nonetheless, and I'm ready to go to bed. What a good day!
8 June 1639
I woke up feeling a bit tired today, so I decided not to hunt and instead garden and maybe go into the village if someone sent for me. I'm trying to be better about taking care of myself when I need to. I certainly can't take care of Kitty if I feel like I'm about to fall apart.
I hope Horuss works up the courage to ask his father about my mother. I want to know! I asked him again today, and he said he might.
11 June 1639
Horuss did ask his father. He told me today what he found out.
"I asked my father what he knew about the Disciple."
"And?"
"He asked me why I was curious. I told him you had asked me to ask."
I groaned and smacked my head on the table. "Horuss!"
"I'm sorry?"
"You can't tell him I'm asking! Or he'll never tell me or you anything!"
"He told me to invite you for tea sometime, and he'd talk with you."
"What? Really?"
"Yes."
"I-when? Now?"
"Not now. Perhaps in a few days? He does not see people often, these days. It will be a good bit of effort for him."
"I don't have to," I said. "If he's not up to it."
"No," he said. "He insisted that he was well enough to see you, and would not permit me to take a message."
"Alright. I can probably come by in a few days."
He nodded. "I'm sure my father will be happy to see you."
"I'll be happy to see him, especially if he's willing to talk to me about my mother."
So I suppose I'll be finding out a thing or two about my mother soon. I hope he's willing to tell me about her last name, even if he probably won't talk about killing her husband. I won't ask him, either. He's almost fifty, and I think it would be bad practice as the midwife to push someone to the edge of mental capacities.
14 June 1639
I went to see Mr. Zahhak today for tea, and when I arrived he was sitting very upright in an armchair with a book in Latin. Horuss's whole family is a bit prone to pretension, but they'll stop if you point it out.
"Mr. Zahhak?"
"Meulin Leijon," he said. "It's nice to meet you."
"I've met you before," I said.
"Yes, as the midwife. Personally, I do not believe we have spoken much."
"No, not much."
"I understand you have some questions about your mother," he said, more kindly now.
"I do, if that's alright." I felt a bit odd talking to him, because he was my mother's friend and he's a proper adult in ways I'm not. He's kind enough, but it's always unnerving to talk to someone who knows what they're doing in life. Or perhaps that's me, because I don't know what I'm doing and I'm afraid I never will.
"Of course it is," he said. "There was much your mother wanted to tell you, and her passing was untimely considering her health."
"Who was Simonn?" I asked, unable to hold it in anymore.
"Simonn…Simonn was your mother and her husband's dearest friend. The three of them knew each other since childhood and he was part of their…rebellion, as it were."
"Oh," I said. "Their rebellion?"
"Yes," he said. "I'm sure she told you of it. She left home not two years after her Luke passed away."
"Was he her only child?"
"Yes," he said.
"Do you know why?" I asked. My mother wanted children, so why didn't they try again?
"She could not," he said. "It made her quite ill. I do not know exactly what happened, but she became very ill one day while we were walking, and not long after that she mentioned she would never have another child."
I don't know how he's managed to be married for so long and have two children and not know what a miscarriage is. I suppose my mama had a couple of bad miscarriages, after which any reasonable midwife like her mother-in-law was would tell her not to try to have children. I suppose I can understand why she wouldn't talk about it-why she'd rather focus on the two of us, blood children or not.
"She was overjoyed to have you two," he said. "She was thrilled that she had two lovely daughters. She adored you both."
"I know," I said.
"Good," he said.
"How did she have our last name?"
"She had her husband's last name," he said carefully. He's a terrible liar. No wonder my mama thought him the most honest man she'd ever met. I'm sure even her husband, as honest as she described him, could lie better than that.
"Before that. Her maiden name was Leijon. How is that possible?"
He sighed. "How do you have your surname?"
"My blood parents gave it to me."
"She had her surname the same way."
"She's not blood related to me."
"Did she speak to you ever of her blood parents?"
"Yes. Her father was a trader and her mother drank and called her names."
"They were not her blood parents. She was given to them as an infant, when our good kingdom was struggling financially and the lord and lady did not wish to have more daughters to burden them."
"More daughters?!"
"Surely you know your blood mother is a daughter of the Leijon family."
"So-so-my mama's my aunt?"
"Yes, I suppose so. Your blood mother's blood sister."
"Why didn't she tell me?"
"I cannot imagine you felt safe with your blood parents, if you ran from them. She felt you may not trust her if she had your surname."
"Oh," I said again, sipping my tea. My head was spinning wildly and I felt a little dizzy. My blood aunt. No wonder we all look so similar. I always thought it was just coincidence that I looked just like her.
"Your mother cared deeply for you," Mr. Zahhak said. "She wanted the best for you and your sister."
"I know," I said. "She loved us. She always said so."
"She did good work," he said. "The whole village is grateful to her."
"They called her Mary Smith. They don't know it was her."
"She did not feel it safe to use her Christian name in the village, after all that happened. But nonetheless, it was to her they expressed gratitude."
"All that happened?" I asked. I suppose I know it wasn't the most honest thing ever, but I wanted to know if he would admit to what happened between him and my mother's husband.
"When Her Majesty ended their rebellion," he said delicately. He's an awful lot like Horuss that way-he's certainly not sympathetic enough to my mother's cause to agree with her, but not sympathetic enough to the current ruling party to agree with them. So instead he occupies this middling space, agreeing with no one and only protected by people like my mother as a matter of principle (although I think she did hold a certain fondness for Mr. Zahhak, like I do for Horuss).
"What happened with that?" I asked.
He went awfully red. "It is not a happy story, Meulin. Perhaps it is best to let it be." I didn't really expect him to admit to breaking my mother's heart, so I didn't ask again. I don't know how she forgave him. I'm not sure I ever could, if someone killed my darling in front of me like that.
"Alright," I said.
After that, we didn't talk about anything serious. He talked about a few books he had read, and I told him about some of my favorite novels. It was kind of nice to have to my questions answered.
As I was leaving, he said, "And tell your sister hello from me."
"I will."
"If either of you find yourselves in need, please ask me for assistance."
"We will. Thank you."
"You're welcome," he said. "Have a nice day."
"You too."
I went home, feeling profoundly off-kilter, and just laid back on the couch for an hour or so, until Kitty came home and found me lying there.
"Meulin?"
"Hm?" I said.
"Linny, what's wrong?" she asked.
"I went to talk with Mr. Zahhak today about Mama. He…there's a lot that happened between them."
She wrinkled her nose. "I don't want to talk about that."
"Not like that," I said. "They were friends. I mean…okay, promise you won't tell Mr. Zahhak I told you?"
"Yes."
"He killed her husband. They were captured when the queen decided to crush their rebellion and he was the executioner. So…Mr. Zahhak killed Mama's love."
"Oh."
"You can still be friends with Equius," I said. "Mama wasn't mad about that. She was friends with Mr. Zahhak, so she forgave him at least a little bit."
"What about Simonn?"
"When did I mention Simonn to you?"
"At dinner a few nights ago. You said you were frustrated how Mama didn't tell us a lot of things."
"Right, right," I said. "Simonn was Mama's best friend. And he died-or didn't die-I don't know, I didn't ask about that-after their revolution." She sighed. "I should've asked about Luke."
"Hm," Nepeta said. "He'd be our brother."
"He would be," I said. I didn't mention that I don't think our mama would've been able to care for three children with such a heavy heart. But maybe if Luke hadn't passed her heart wouldn't have been so heavy?
Well, it doesn't matter much, I suppose. What happened is what happened. I can't go back and change it, much as I might want to. I do wonder what it would have been like to have an older brother, especially since he would have been nineteen when Mama passed. I wouldn't have to take care of Kitty on my own. I'm sure the three of us would be friends, and maybe by now he'd be married and we'd go to his wedding.
Well, I can speculate all I please, but I'm not sure it means anything.
18 June 1639
Kitty was not feeling well today and so I mixed her up something for a headache and asked her if something was bothering her.
"I still like Karkat," she said. "He's just so perfect. I don't want to like him anymore, but I can't stop!"
"It's alright, Kitty," I said. "It's hard to just stop having feelings for someone. It takes a lot of time, and it'll be a while until you do feel better."
"I know," she said. "I just wish it didn't."
"Well, try not to be upset with yourself," I said. "Feelings are just feelings. You don't need to ever be upset with yourself for feeling them."
She nodded. "I love you, Linny."
"Love you too, Kitty."
I feel sorry for her. It's hard to stop feeling that way about somebody, and she must be really hurting right now. And there's no way to get away from it in this village; it's too small, and with all of them being friends, she can't really get too far away from him for a chance to feel however she needs to without him in the way.
Well, I want to help her, but I don't really know how. I have my darling-I don't need to stop feeling any way about him. As long as I keep loving him, everything will be fine. Honestly, right now, I don't think I could not be in love with him. Perhaps I'm young and ignorant, but I don't think I'll ever not love him. And if every time I see him, I remember everything I love about him, I think I'll be alright.
23 June 1639
I told Kurloz about talking with Mr. Zahhak, and about Simonn and my mama also being my blood aunt. He was pretty surprised, but agreed with me that it explains how much I look like her. They only met once, briefly, and he thinks we looked just alike.
I do have that picture of her, the one her best friend drew. I asked her about it once and she laughed, lighter than normal, and said he'd drawn it when they were young-when she was just sixteen or seventeen. She said he also drew family pictures of them, but I've never found those pictures.
Anyways, in the picture, she looks just like me. We could be twins.
27 June 1639
I want so badly to have a daughter someday. I want to pass on what I know to her, and I want to teach her to read and write, and I want to give her the best life I can. I want to love her. I can't say I'd be disappointed to have a son, because I just want children, but I do want to have a daughter.
Kitty finished the loveliest embroidery today on one of her shirts. She likes to put it around her sleeves so she can rub her thumbs over it when she's worried or there's too much happened, and so it is both beautiful and useful. I know she's different from other people, but she's so brilliant and kind and clever that I don't think it matters at all.