1 July 1639

Horuss was by today for lunch. He fussed about if we're eating and all that, but it's summer, so of course we are! It's good weather for hunting and the garden is doing very well. I wish I had my mother's green thumb, but this is plenty enough.

It's good that someone worries about us! I don't really need him to, but it's nice.

4 July 1639

Kurloz was by today. He brought a package of nice food-sugar and cocoa and such. I thanked him, but I wish he wouldn't, so I told him.

"I really do appreciate it, my dear, but I wish you wouldn't do all this."

"Why not? They're gifts."

"I know, but you spend so much on me and I can't give you much back."

"Meulin, I don't expect you to pay me back," he said, sounding offended.

"I don't think you do," I said. "It's nothing to do with you. I just wish you wouldn't give me all these nice things."

"But you're wonderful," he said. "I meant it when I said you were an angel. Why shouldn't I get you nice things, when I have the money to?"

"Because I don't want you to," I said. "I don't need sugar or cocoa or diamonds. Much as they're nice to have, I just don't want them."

"What do you want, then?"

"I don't want anything!" I said. "Please."

"Fine," he said, a little irate. "But I do want to show you I love you."

"Then tell me," I said. "I love you, and I think you're handsome and brilliant and wonderful. Just tell me-that's all."

"I do love you," he said sincerely.

I smiled and he smiled back, soft and gorgeous.

We talked some about his father and his father's attempts to find women for him. Besides Eliza, who his father would love him to marry, there's dozens of noblewomen who would give their eye teeth to marry such a powerful duke. He's trying desperately to explain to his father that he thinks marrying a common woman would be a good idea politically (his father would never say he should marry for love), but it's slow going.

He says all the women he's meeting are the same, anyways-empty-headed and coldhearted. He says none of them are quite like me-none so wonderful or clever or half as beautiful, he said. I'm blushing just thinking about it. He's so sweet, and so kind to me! I don't have the melancholy my mother did, but I don't really think I'm anything special. I'm just a common woman from a small village, but he makes me feel so special and loved.

I'm glad I'm going to marry him, as soon as Nepeta's old enough. I'm glad we have a future together.

9 July 1639

Verity had her baby today. It's not much of an event for me anymore, really, but it took much longer than normal and I only barely saved the baby by basically pulling her out. I'm at Verity's home now, caring for her, because she lost a lot of blood, and making sure she can hold her baby as much as possible even as weak as she is. It's my job to help her, after all.

It's not glamorous work, being a midwife, but it's important.

14 July 1639

I think today was my mother's husband's birthday. She said when he was alive it was sunny for his birthday every year, and once he died it rained every year. It rained today, but not the whole day, so I suppose that's both and neither.

Maybe I should teach my friends to read and write. Kurloz and Horuss and Cronus and Meenah can, of course, but none of my other friends can. Writing is the most important thing my mother ever taught me. She taught me how to put my thoughts into words on a page and how to prove to the world that once, I was here. I want my friends to be able to read and write, too. There's a power to it that I can't really explain, but that has always helped me. No matter how awful I feel, my journal will listen sympathetically.

I feel like I could, now. When Porrim first suggested it, it was too much. I think I could, now. I'll ask if they want to.

17 July 1639

I asked Porrim today.

"I could maybe teach you and your sister and some others to read and write, if you like."

"Are you sure?" Porrim asked, barely concealed excitement in her voice.

"Yes," I said. "I might not be able to do it often, but I would love to teach you."

"Thank you," she said, more sincere than I've ever heard her.

"Bring your sister, too. I'll teach all of you."

"Of course," she said. "Are you sure you can?"

"Yes," I said. "I know what I have time for."

"Then I'll be by in a few days," she said. "And feel free to kick us out if you have things to do. I know how that can be-it can be a bit mad in my house with my aunt."

"Of course," I said. "Thank you."

So I suppose I'll be doing that, now. I hardly remember how my tutor taught Kitty and me, but I do remember how my mama taught me. I suppose we'll see what happens. It must be different learning to read as an adult. I hope I can teach them!

21 July 1639

Porrim and her sister Kanaya and Latula and her sister Terezi were all over today. Nepeta even stayed to see. I asked about Damara, because I thought she would want to learn, but no one's seen her in a couple of days. I know Meenah's been around lately, so maybe Damara's hiding. We've all tried to persuade Meenah to leave Damara alone, but she always just says that Damara needs a thicker skin. I know that's absurd, but I don't know how to persuade Meenah otherwise. And I worry about how it's affecting Damara-she doesn't spend time as much with us these days.

Well, that's a problem for another time. Today I started by teaching my friends the alphabet, and slowly how to write the first few letters. By the time I had to send them home so I could hunt and harvest the garden, they all knew the first few letters.

It will take time. It's harder when you're an adult, to learn to read and write, but I'm determined to teach them. I think everyone should know how.

25 July 1639

I told Kurloz about teaching our friends today.

"You're teaching them all to read?"

"Yes. Everyone should be able to! If I teach them, they'll teach their children, and maybe they'll teach someone else, until everyone knows how!"

"Don't you think they'll be corrupted, by all the nonsense out there?"

"Well, I haven't been, and all our friends are plenty intelligent, so…no, not really."

He frowned, then said, "Alright. Well, if you're sure."

"I am sure." I've never been so sure about something. Writing is the most important thing I do for myself. It's everything to me. I want to give that to all of my dear friends.

He talked some about his father's suitors for him, this woman named Mary who's about as dull as can be and, according to his father, a truly lovely girl. His father is really driving him mad! My mama's mother was cruel to her and hurt her, and that was part of her melancholy, and I worry that my darling's father will drive him to the same. I try so hard to be here for him, so he can know that at least someone loves him for reasons beyond his potential as a duke or husband. He's a wonderful man, and so supportive about the difficulties in my life. I'm so glad I have him.

30 July 1639

Horuss was by again today, and he fussed (as always) over whether or not we have enough. Honestly, I think I'm in control of things right now. We do have enough to eat, and the village respects me as the midwife, and the writing is going well, and I have my sister and my friends and my darling, and it's going to be alright.

I will admit a bit of jealousy of the women my darling is meeting. He swears he doesn't love them, he loves me, and nothing will change that, and I trust him. It's just that they have everything I don't and can't have-money, luxury, extraordinary good looks, training in how to act in court. They have dowries, and advantageous political positions, and all that. He bought me a diamond ring! I don't think he's going to up and leave me for one of them. But I can't help some of the jealousy that creeps in when he talks about why his father wants him to marry those women. I won't tell him, because I think it would make him feel worse, but it's there.

Well, like my mama said, feelings are just feelings, and it's alright to feel them, and you don't have to act on them. I don't have to do anything about feeling jealous. I just have to trust him. And I can do that easy.

2 August 1639

Kitty's birthday is in a few days! I'm going to teach her to hunt. She has excellent aim at the target behind the home, and I think she'll be good.

When she's good at hunting, then I can marry and leave her. That's when I know she'll be alright. Especially if Horuss keeps checking up on us every week! He's sweet-it's nice.

5 August 1639

Kitty turned sixteen today! I'm so proud of her. For a gift, I gave her her own bow and arrows in a proper adult size, not the small ones my mama taught us with. It was incredibly expensive, but I've been saving all year and so I could afford a very pretty one made of yew, a leather quiver, and twelve good arrows with blue feathers. It's much prettier than my mama's old bow and arrows, but I don't mind. Kitty loved it, and she's thrilled to learn to hunt for real.

She had her friends over for a birthday dinner, and so I stayed in the library with a book until it was late and I went to sleep. Button curled up with me tonight, which was nice. She's a very soft cat.

9 August 1639

Kurloz says he knows I don't like presents, but he does want to get me something for my birthday, at least. I wasn't sure about it, but I told him alright because he really just wants to be kind to me-he doesn't mean to make me nervous by being so generous. I told him please, nothing ostentatious or too expensive, so he said alright.

I took Kitty out hunting with me today, and even though she didn't shoot anything, she came pretty close a few times. I helped her find her arrows (her favorite color is green, but I knew we'd never find green arrows, so I went with her second favorite), shot a couple of rabbits for dinner, and told her that she was doing very well. She is! She'll be as good as I am in no time. I'm glad my mama taught me this. It keeps us alive, and it means that we'll never have to depend on anyone else for our food.

13 August 1639

Teaching my friends to read and write has been going very well! Nepeta sometimes stays home to help out Kanaya and Terezi because they're more her friends than mine. All of them are doing very well, and learning faster than I thought. The hard part is connecting the sound of a word to the word written, so every time they're over I've been having them read aloud to me whatever they can from the books in the library. It's hard to learn to read! They're all doing amazingly well.

15 August 1639

I turned twenty today! I invited my friends over, and they all came for supper, and it was just such fun! I love them all so much. The food was pretty good, and everyone seemed to like it, and we stayed up drinking wine and talking about not much until it was dark out and everyone had to go home.

Kurloz gave me a gorgeous golden necklace, the most delicate little chain with a purple sapphire pendant. It's not very flashy or obvious, and I love how it looks on me. He came over in the afternoon, before everyone else arrived, and he told me to close my eyes and hold up my hair. I did, and he clipped together the clasp behind my neck and led me over to my mirror, and then told me to open my eyes.

It was a surprise to see it, but it was so beautiful I couldn't believe it. He's so thoughtful. He knew I wouldn't like something too flashy or obvious, so he picked something beautiful and subtle. Like my ring, I think I will wear it every day.

20 August 1639

Damara was at my birthday, but I haven't seen her since, and I'm beginning to worry. Meenah was so cruel to her her (she was not invited to my birthday!), and she was so heartbroken when it all collapsed. (Incidentally, Horuss and Rufioh aren't seeing each other anymore either. What goes around and all.) I think I might stop by her home to see how she is soon, to see if she's alright.

22 August 1639

Today is my mama's birthday. Kitty and I went to the clearing today for a long time, and I talked very quietly to her about how much I missed her and how Kitty's learning to hunt and I'm engaged and I'm teaching my friends to read and write, like she did.

I still miss her. Kurloz is right-I do need to move on. It's just so hard, when I loved her and she loved me so much, and when I was so unprepared for her to go.

Maybe one day I won't miss her so much. Maybe one day this won't hurt so much, and when I go to the clearing I'll see her grave and remember the first day we made crowns of flowers together in front of the house while the sun was shining and the world was golden.

26 August 1639

I went to Damara's home today. Her mother was there, and her sister, but she wasn't.

"Where's Damara?" I asked Aradia.

"I don't know," she said, sounding remarkably unconcerned.

"Haven't you seen her?"

"Not in a while," she said mildly. "She's probably alright."

"Can I ask your mother?"

"Alright," Aradia said. "Mother!"

Mrs. Megido came to the door and said, "Meulin, nice to see you." She's a reserved woman, but she is kind.

"Nice to see you too, Mrs. Megido. Have you seen Damara?"

She frowned. "No, not in a few days. I hoped she might be with you."

"No, I haven't seen her since my birthday on the fifteenth."

"Oh dear…" she said, trailing off and twisting her hands together. "I worried about this…"

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing," she said, sounding distracted. "I-would you mind looking for her? I don't want to leave Aradia."

"Of course," I said. "We all will. She's our friend."

"Thank you," Mrs. Megido said gratefully. "Best of luck."

"Thanks," I said, and I went to find Porrim and Latula.

We're going to look for her in the village and the surrounding area first, and then if we have to, start looking in other villages and maybe, if we have to, the city. I don't know why she would vanish like this. I don't know what she could be doing, or where she could be. We're all worried about her. Porrim said she was willing to travel to the city if that's what it took to find her.

We're going to find her.

29 August 1639

I told Kurloz today about the search for Damara. "She's vanished. No one-not even her mother-has seen her since my birthday. We're worried."

He frowned, all concerned, and said, "Yes, of course. Well, I can look around the city some, and perhaps use some of my father's resources to look fo her. Do you know why she left?"

"I think it's because of Meenah and how cruel she was. But her mother mentioned there might be another factor. I don't know. Maybe it's her missing aunt?"

"Missing aunt?"

"Yes, didn't you know? One of Damara's aunts has been missing since she was a little girl. Her mother and her mother's sisters have looked for her, but never found her. Damara was always curious about her-she told us once. I suppose she could be looking for her."

"Hm," Kurloz said, like he was thinking very hard. "I'll look for her. I might have an idea of where she could be."

"Thank you," I said. "Thank you so much."

"Of course," he said.

We start looking tomorrow. I hope this works out.

1 September 1639

We've scoured the village, every inn and boarding house, every brothel and bar, every alley and market stall. She's nowhere to be found. I've been checking the woods as I hunt, because Damara mostly wears red and so she'd be easy to spot, but she's not there, either.

Kurloz's search hasn't turned up much of anything yet, but he says he has a hunch. Porrim's going to the city tomorrow to help him search. I hope they find her. I'm worried.

5 September 1639

Damara's still missing, and Meenah doesn't seem to care. She was in town today with Cronus and Kurloz, and she just shrugged when Latula and I told her Damara's missing (Porrim's still in the city, searching).

"Well, she was never very stable," Meenah said.

"How can you say that? You're the one who made her unstable," I snapped.

"I was trying to teach her something. It's not my fault she can't learn," Meenah said loftily.

Latula scoffed. "You're just crazy. Come on, Meulin, let's go."

I nodded, and we left.

Meenah is out of her mind if she thinks her cruelty had nothing to do with Damara vanishing like she did. It's definitely part of the reason.

After she left, I talked with Kurloz, who says there's no news. He and Porrim have been searching for Damara and her missing aunt, in case Damara went looking for her, but they haven't found either of them, and they haven't gotten much closer. Mrs. Megido is fretting terribly, but Aradia seems largely unmoved. Nothing much moves her at all, really. Nepeta said she likes Aradia, but she has been acting odd.

Maybe when Damara comes back, she'll be better. The two of them can help each other, and I'll do my best to keep Meenah away. No one should be allowed to be so cruel.

We have to get Damara back. She needs to come home.

8 September 1639

Damara came home today. We didn't find her; she came back of her own accord. She came home, and the first person she saw was Rufioh. I know this because she beat him within an inch of his life. Next she went to see Horuss, which I know because she beat him, too, though less. And then she went to her home, didn't speak to anyone, and locked herself in her room.

I've been treating Rufioh and Horuss, because that's my job. Rufioh's strong, but Damara was so angry that no matter what he did to strike back, she just kept coming. It' mostly surface injuries, but Rufioh may not be walking again for a while, and Horuss took a bad hit to the head.

I don't know why she did this, or if she's out of her mind, or what. She won't see anyone, not even her own mother or sister. I don't know what's wrong.

11 September 1639

Damara still won't see anyone. Rufioh and Horuss are on the mend, and Porrim's home, and the news from Kurloz is that her missing aunt is really gone, and nothing's changed. I don't know if I can help her, or if anyone can, really. She's always been close with Porrim, but I don't know if that's what she needs right now. How did this all become such a mess?

16 September 1639

Damara was gone again for three days, but she came back today, and Kurloz came to my home and told me that she tried to kill Meenah.

"She barely escaped. No one but us knows it was her, or she'd be executed in a heartbeat. Meenah's being treated by the best doctors in the country right now-she'll be fine."

Honestly, I don't really care about Meenah that much anymore, but I am glad she'll be alright. It's good that I don't have to treat her myself, though; I don't think I could be as impartial and nonjudgmental as I ought to be. "That's good."

"I won't tell," he said. "I don't think she deserves that."

"Me neither," I said. "I think she needs our help right now."

"Please promise me you'll be careful," he said.

"I will be," I said. "But I don't think she'd hurt me. I never tried to hurt her. She might not be well, but she's not completely out of her mind, and she knows what she's doing."

"Alright," he said reluctantly. "I just couldn't stand it if you were hurt."

"I know," I said. "I will be careful. But she needs us now."

"Alright," he conceded.

I think she does need us now. I'll go with Porrim and Latula to see her, and maybe between the three of us we can help her.

19 September 1639

We did go to see her today, and we tried. We really did. I told her we still cared about her and whatever Meenah said to her, it was going to be alright, and Latula told her we'd take her to the pub and have a drink and just have fun like we used to, and Porrim said yeah, she'd messed up, but it wasn't too late and we still cared about her.

Damara didn't say anything at first, and I thought she might be thinking about what we said, but then quick as a fox she grabbed a knife and went for my throat, screaming about how I'd betrayed her. I pushed her off, but she sliced open my right arm. I was bleeding so badly I had to leave to get Kitty to stitch me up.

Maybe it's because I'm treating Rufioh and Horuss. It's my job to treat them! Anyways, I don't think violence is ever a good solution. I don't think she should have done what she did.

If she's going to try to kill me, too, I can't help her. I must admit I'm low on patience with her. She was one of my best friends, and then she…she tried to kill three people and then me. What's wrong with her? How could she do that to me when I tried to help her?

And this cut hurts terribly. How could my friend do that to me?

23 September 1639

I think I have to give up on Damara. I was talking to Kurloz and I told him about her cutting me, and he reached out for my arm and saw the cut and said, "Meulin! You could've-you could've died! Are you alright? Why-are you going to be okay? Do you need to see a doctor? Or some medicines?"

"Kurloz, I'm fine," I said.

"If you're sure," he said. "Are you going to keep trying?"

"I might try again," I said. "I really do think she might get better."

"But she might try to hurt you again," he fretted. "She's not stable."

"I think she deserves another chance."

"If you say so," he said, doubtful.

"Do you not think I should?" I asked.

He sighed. "I trust your judgement. But I am really worried about you if you keep spending time with a woman who's tried to kill four people. It would kill me if she hurt you any more than she already has. I'm just not sure there's anything else you can do for her."

"I suppose you're right," I said. "Maybe I should let her go. Maybe there isn't anything else I can do for her, not now."

"I can't imagine there is," he said. "You've done so much. Maybe it's time you let her be."

"Yes, I think you're right," I said. "Maybe I just need to let her get better in her own time."

He nodded and sipped his tea. "I think you're making the right choice. We never found her aunt-I think she might just have lost her mind."

"I think so," I said. "Thank you for listening."

"Of course," he said. "That's what I'm here for." He kissed me, so soft like he does, and put a hand on the back of my neck, and then pulled away to rest his forehead against mine. "I love you."

"I love you too," I promised.

25 September 1639

I don't know what happened, but Aradia left Tavros on my doorstep today. He was bleeding and his legs were broken and he was unconscious. My goodness, he looked so awful. Kitty knows what happened, I think, but she isn't telling me. All I can assume is that it's some sort of secret.

I treated him as best I could, but in the end Kitty and I had to carry him home. I'll make him some crutches and go by to see him until he's better. He'll be alright. I'll make sure of it.

27 September 1639

Horuss is better now. He's got a scar on his arm, but he's entirely functional and in no pain, which is my goal. So he came by for lunch and tried to fuss over me, but for once I was fussing over him. I think that was entirely fair of me! Damara did try to kill him, for heaven's sake. Maybe I don't always have enough to eat or worry about money, but I'm sufficiently alive.

Anyways, we had a lovely lunch, and he was as kind as he always is. I'm glad he's my friend.

30 September 1639

Kurloz was over today, and he was worried out of his mind. He said his father wants him married by the time he's twenty-one, or else. When I asked or else what, he said he didn't know, but the tone of his father's voice told him it was nothing good.

"I turn twenty-one in a few months!" he said. "I have no idea what my father will do."

"Are you afraid he'll hurt you?" I asked, feeling a knot in my stomach.

"No," he said. "He never has. I'm more afraid he'll force me to marry someone who isn't you. Probably Eliza, but it could be anyone. And then we'd never be married!" He sounded terribly panicked. "I don't know what to do."

"I know it's hard to tell him," I said. "But it might be worth a try."

"You don't know my father," he said miserably. "He would lose his mind if he knew I was engaged to a common woman."

"Haven't you been talking to him?" I asked.

"Don't you believe me?" he asked, hurt. "I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to persuade my father to let me marry you and bring you to the palace-the world you deserve. He's hard to budge!"

"I do believe you," I said. "I'm sorry. It's hard to believe anyone could be so rigid when their own child is in love."

"That's politics for you," he said with a sigh. "I'm sorry. If we could just marry right now, I'd like to think all this would go away."

"I know," I said. "I wish I could as much as you do."

He sighed again and sipped his tea. "Meulin, do you think I'm going to be a good husband?"

"Of course," I said. "Kurloz, I love you, and I know you'll be a wonderful husband."

"Thank you," he said.

"Any time," I said, as softly as I could. "You matter a lot to me, my dear. I'm here for you."

"I know," he said.

"Do you have any more time?" I asked. I wanted to talk over some of my finances with him, because I always feel better about it after I've talked it out.

"No," he said. "I'm sorry. I have to run home to meet another new woman." He rolled his eyes and stood up. I stood, too, and he kissed me gently. "I'll see you soon. I promise."

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too," he said.

I do love him. I wish it didn't have to be like this. And I can't get married before January! I need Nepeta to feel ready.