2 October 1639
Porrim and I had such an argument today, about Damara.
"I can't keep trying to help her, Porrim. She tried to kill me! She was going for my throat with that knife. I have my sister and my fiancé to think about."
"She needs us right now! You're the damn midwife, you know that better than anyone."
"She needs help, but I can't help her if she's trying to kill me every time I try! I treated Rufioh and Horuss because they needed my help. If she's going to try to hurt me, I can't help her."
"This is because of Kurloz, isn't it?"
"Leave him out of it. I'm in control of my own life, Porrim. You just think every man in this world has it out for every woman."
"Maybe I do, but I don't think that's entirely irrational of me. Don't change the subject! Damara needs help right now, not fair-weather friends."
"It's not fair-weather when the friend in question quite literally tried to kill me."
"Fine," Porrim said. "Fine. If you won't help her, I will."
"Good luck," I said. "You'll need it."
She huffed off, and while I do really wish I could help Damara, I think Kurloz is right-there's nothing else I can do for her now. If she's not willing to talk to me just because I treated someone she attacked, I can't help her.
I don't know if Porrim's and my friendship will survive this. I hope so. I care about her, and I want to still be her friend, but I can't afford to live in fear. My sister and my darling both need me, and I can't let them down. Especially my sister.
7 October 1639
Nepeta's getting so close! She's very good with her new bow and arrows, even though they're bigger than her old ones (which I put away in storage). I still bring home dinner when we go hunting, but I think soon she'll have something, even just a little squirrel.
She's going to be all grown up soon. I know her Karkat turned her down, and whenever she talks about him to me she does seem sad and tired, but I'm sure there will be another person, a man or a woman, who will love her as she deserves to be loved, and who she will love right back. Kitty of all people deserves to be loved! She's the most amazing person I've ever known, besides perhaps my mama or Kurloz.
11 October 1639
Kitty shot her first squirrel today! We put it into a good stew and celebrated her first catch. She caught it in the body, not the eye, and I had to shoot a few others to make the stew enough, but it was her catch. She did it!
At this rate, she'll be entirely ready when I marry and move away.
15 October 1639
I…I'm sad. I don't think I can be Horuss's friend anymore. I was talking to Kurloz when he mentioned that he and Horuss were trying to be friends, and they talked some the other day.
"He mentioned how beautiful you are," he said.
"That's kind of him."
He shrugged.
"Kurloz, what's wrong?"
"I don't know if I should tell you."
"If it's about Horuss, I'd like to know. We're friends-he's here at least once a week."
"I think he likes you."
"What?"
"I think he likes you." He was wincing, like he didn't want to tell me.
"I-oh," I said. Suddenly it all made sense. Horuss has always been kind to me and he was so sweet and…there's no other way to explain it. "I-I don't know what to do."
"I'm sorry, dear," he said.
"I'm not sure…I don't know if I can still be his friend," I said. "Not with you. You're…you're…oh, you know what I mean."
"You don't have to," he said anxiously. "He might be alright."
"No," I said. "I love you. I can't be friends with some other man who wants to be with me. You said it yourself-it's a recipe for disaster."
"I'm sorry," he said, taking my hand. "I know he means a lot to you. It's too bad you have to stop being his friend."
It did hurt, but I said, "It's alright. I have you and Nepeta-that's all I need."
"Alright," he said. "Just tell me if you need anything."
"I will," I said. "Thanks."
I am sad, but I think it will be for the best. I'm engaged; I can't go around talking to men whose intentions towards me are less than honorable. And even though Horuss has always been perfectly respectable when he visits, I've no way of knowing what he's thinking about. For all I know he spends every visit planning ways to break up my engagement! So many things seem to be coming between Kurloz and I that I'm starting to feel a bit exhausted. I hope this gets easier soon!
18 October 1639
Latula came by to visit today. Since my fight with Porrim, she hasn't been coming to learn to read and write, although her sister has. Latula came by today just to talk to me.
"I feel like I haven't seen you in ages, Meulin."
"I've been so busy," I said apologetically. "And things are a bit mad right now with Kurloz. His father wants him married before he's twenty-one, but Nepeta won't be eighteen by then."
"Sounds like quite the mess," she said. "I'm glad it was easy with Mituna and me."
"Me too," I said. "I'm so happy for you two." I am! Just seeing them together, holding hands and giggling, makes my heart feel like it might bubble over with happiness. They're just so good for each other! I'm glad I have something like that.
"How's Meenah?" she asked.
"I'm not sure. Why?"
"Well, you talk with Kurloz so often. I thought he might've told you."
"They're not very close," I said, but I was wondering why he hadn't mentioned her. She almost died! "He might not know much."
"Alright," Latula said. "Tell us when you know?"
"Of course," I said. "How is Damara?"
Latula sighed and shook her head. "No better. Every time we try to talk to her, she starts talking nonsense and waves that knife of hers around."
"Are you hurt?" I asked, immediately concerned.
"No, I'm fine," Latula said. "She hasn't tried to kill any of us since she went after you. I think she's a little more stable now. She might feel better if she saw you were alright-she might bad about it."
"I'm not sure," I said. I still do think Kurloz was right when he said there can't be much more for me to do for her. And I do need to be here for Kitty. "I can't risk it, with Kitty to care for her. And she doesn't know as much about medicine as I do-she doesn't care for it."
"Alright, fair enough," Latula said. "Hey, if you ever change your mind, we're in the village. She could use as many friendly faces as we can muster."
"I know," I said. "I hope you can help her."
Latula nodded and sipped her tea. "How are things way out here?"
"It's hardly a half-hour's walk into the village," I said. "But we're alright."
"Good to hear," she said.
We didn't talk about much of substance after that, which was nice. I am worried about Damara, and I do hope she gets better. I just don't know what she needs.
20 October 1639
Kurloz and I had a real fight today, about getting married. I feel awful about it now.
"My dear, I'm running out of time. I have four months. Are you sure you can't marry before she turns eighteen?"
"I'm sure," I said. "I've said it a million times!" I shouldn't have snapped.
"You keep saying it, but I don't understand why!" he snapped. "You say she can't live on her own-but she can hunt and cook and sew and trade just fine! I'm starting to think you don't want to marry me at all, and you're just stringing me along!"
"I do, Kurloz, I do! I won't leave my sister alone like I was!"
"You-I-I need to leave," he said. "I'm sorry. I can't keep doing this."
My heart felt like it might explode. "Kurloz, please-don't leave me. I swear I will marry you, as soon as I can."
"I didn't mean leave you," he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. I suppose it was, in some ways. "I just mean leave here. I-I can't do this now. I need to calm down."
"I-alright," I said. "I love you."
"Love you too," he said, but he sounded like he didn't mean it.
I just feel awful. I don't want to string him along. I do want to marry him! But Nepeta has to come first. She's my little sister! I love her, and I'm responsible for her. He has a younger brother. Why can't he understand what this means for me? I know he doesn't have much time, but that's just what I need.
Oh, what am I saying? It's a relationship, there's two of us. Maybe we need to compromise somehow. I'm not sure how we can, but Nepeta is getting good at hunting, and really most things. Maybe if we married a little before she's eighteen, but I visited home every day? Or we tell his father we're engaged and just need time to plan the wedding? It is a binding contract if we can get ourselves properly betrothed-his father couldn't ignore that, and it will be the kind of wedding with lots of planning!
We'll talk about it. We can come up with a compromise of some sort.
25 October 1639
Horuss came for lunch today, so I let him in, but I didn't talk to him like normal. I can't let him think there's any chance I like him. I just told him we're doing fine and there's nothing we need, and thanked him as ever for offering his help. I don't think I was too cold, but I was a little cooler than normal. Like Kurloz said about Eliza-I need to be firm, or he might get the wrong idea.
29 October 1639
All Souls' is in a few days! I'm so excited. I'm going to go to the festival, of course, and I've even picked out which dress I'm going to wear. Kitty's going, of course, and it's going to be such fun! She says she wants to wear her best dress. Of course she does!
Our city friends probably won't be there. I hear Meenah's mostly better, but she and Cronus and Kurloz are going to the festival in the city. I hope Kurloz comes by soon afterwards, so we can talk about everything.
31 October 1639
Today was All Souls' Day, and the festival was spectacular! The fiddle music was lovely and perfect for dancing. I danced with all my friends, even Horuss (not Damara, though), and it was such a lovely time. I love dancing! My friends say I'm quite good, too. And my skirt flew out in the most lovely way.
Kitty had fun, too, dancing with her friends. I saw she did one dance with Karkat, and though I worry she might be getting her hopes up, she remarked on the walk home that perhaps it was time for her to move on and maybe find someone else. I'm glad for her. She deserves every happiness, and if not from Karkat, from someone else. She also said she doesn't want to stop being his friend, though, because everything that makes him attractive to her makes him a good friend as well.
I'm glad she's happy. She deserves to be.
1 November 1639
All Saints' today! Kurloz was here in the village and so I danced with him for most of the time, though I did dance with most of my friends (not Horuss, though). He didn't seem upset with me at all, which was a relief, and I told him we should talk soon, and he said he would come to my house as soon as he could, which was also a relief. He even kissed me! So I suppose he's not. Maybe he did just need to calm down a bit.
Well, anyways, the festival was even more fun today with my darling there! I danced until my feet hurt and ate until I was full and I even danced once with my sister. It was a day I could spend with everyone I love, and a day when everyone had plenty and no one was hungry. I was so happy.
4 November 1639
Kurloz came by today and I told him my ideas for a compromise.
"I could maybe marry before Nepeta's eighteen if I visited home every day, or every other day. I also thought we could tell your father we're engaged, and then tell him we need more time to prepare for a wedding."
"I suppose," he said anxiously, scratching his index finger along the inside of his thumb. It's his nervous habit, like I play with the ends of my hair.
"What is it?"
"It's just that my father has already planned most of the wedding. We couldn't claim that we need much time at all."
"I could sew my dress."
"He might not believe us," Kurloz said. "I hope he would, but I just can't be sure."
"Well, I still can't marry much before Nepeta's eighteen. Not before she's seventeen, for sure. She's too young to be on her own. You wouldn't leave your brother on his own."
Kurloz rolled his eyes. "My brother wouldn't last two days on his own."
"You see?"
He nodded. "Alright."
"Can I tell you something else that's been on my mind?" I asked.
"What is it?" he asked.
"Porrim and I had an argument," I said. "About Damara. You're right-I can't keep helping her. But Porrim thinks I should. I don't know. She tried to kill me! But she doesn't have many friends right now as it is. I stood my ground with her, but I'm just not sure."
"I don't think she understands the danger you're in," Kurloz said. "You stood your ground-that's good. You have to be able to stand up for yourself in politics. And you can't let Porrim confuse you."
"What do you mean by that?"
"You know how she is. Cynical and such."
"She did accuse you of trying to interfere. I told her that's absurd, I'm making my own choices and she can't blame every choice she doesn't like on you."
He nodded, then smiled. "I'm glad."
"You're glad of what?"
"That we can be together without you feeling like I'm trying to control you. I know how it can be, with-with men and women and such. I don't want you to feel that way with me."
"Of course I don't. I know you, and I know you don't want to control me. I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm glad I can talk these things out with you, though. It makes me feel better to know I'm not out of my mind."
He nodded. "Just let me know. If you ever feel uncomfortable."
"I will. I promise. And you too."
"I will," he promised. He smiled softly and took my hand. "I love you."
"I love you, too," I said.
8 November 1639
I've been teaching reading and writing, but Porrim hasn't been coming. If reading and writing can't draw her out, I'm not sure what can. That may be one bridge that's too burned to repair, like with Damara.
Latula still comes, which is good. It's so much harder to be friends with people as an adult. There's just so much more to disagree about. It was easier when we were children and all we could disagree about was nonsense like whether we liked celery or not.
I suppose that's bound to happen. I know my mama lost a lot of her friends when she decided to leave home because so many people disagreed with her. Sometimes, I suppose, that is just how the world works.
11 November 1639
I've been preserving vegetables and meat since October and filling the kitchen and library, and because I am somewhat nervous about not having enough, my bedroom. On the plus side, Kitty's been catching meat more consistently, so we can eat what she catches and preserve when I do.
Most of the herbs are sufficiently dried. Nepeta loves to sort them out, which I can't stand, so I'll just let her do that while I smoke and salt our meat and preserve the various vegetables, and get the seeds ready for planting and such next year. I just hope I have enough medicine for everyone who needs it.
15 November 1639
It's getting so cold! It snowed today for the first time. It was just a light dusting of powder, but it was quite beautiful. I love winter-it's so lovely. The snow is just gorgeous. It makes the world look a little ghostly, spectral even. It's like there could be angels just under the silvery coating.
My mama told me when she was a little girl, she thought that snowflakes were made by angels in heaven and tossed down as gifts for normal people. I like to believe that's true. I'd like to believe my mama is making snowflakes with the angels in heaven for me, because she thought winter was beautiful, too.
20 November 1639
Kitty and I went to Mama's gravestone today, and the forget-me-nots were all dead, and I know it's been years but I just broke down crying. When I see her grave I just remember she's gone and the forget-me-nots I trust to remember her were dead and I'm about to leave home and I just couldn't think.
Kitty sat down next to me and held my hand and she didn't say anything, but it was so comforting to know she was right there next to me. I love her so much.
When I could breathe again, we walked back home and I went to cook dinner. If nothing else, it comforts me to know that everything in this house was once my mother's, and her mother's before her, and it will belong to Kitty's or my children.
Dinner was good tonight, I think. Kitty said it was one of my better stews, and I am always trying new blends of herbs to make our food better.
My goodness, it's going to be strange not cooking every day, or every other day. On the one hand, I was eleven when I ran away, so it hasn't even been half my life since then, but on the other hand, this is the part of my life that matters. I hardly remember anything before I was five, and then those six years were just…they weren't the part of me that matters. The part of me that matters is the six years I spent with Mama and my sister in this home, and the years since then.
Well, it will be an adventure, at the very least! And I will have my darling by my side. When we're together, I know everything will be alright.
24 November 1639
My sister is going to be a good hunter. She's already quite good and with practice she'll be even better. I'm so proud of her! She's brilliant and talented and kind and wonderful and I love her more than I can say. She's the most wonderful person, and I'm proud of her.
We are eating plenty, but Horuss has long since stopped coming to visit. I suppose he's gotten the hint that I don't want to see him anymore. I can't be his friend anymore, not like this. I wish we could still be friends, but I have to agree with Kurloz that it's just a recipe for disaster. That's life, I suppose. Anyways, I can maintain my own home-I don't need anyone to check in and make sure I'm not dead. I'm not a child. I don't need to be looked after like one.
29 November 1639
I had the most terrible nightmare last night. I dreamt that my sister and I were trapped outside the house and we tried to call for my mama but she didn't answer, and then it started storming and whenever we tried to find shelter the tree we hid under burst apart from lightning. I tried to wrap my sister up in my cloak, because she was shivering terribly, but I couldn't seem to, and then when I tried to hug her close to get her warm, she turned into ash and collapsed to my feet.
I woke up breathing so hard I could hardly think, and I rushed into Kitty's room without thinking, and said, "Kitty! Kitty, are you okay?"
She blinked, looked up from her book, and said, "I'm fine, Linny. Are you okay?"
"Yeah-I-sorry. I had a nightmare. Like Mama used to."
"That's alright," she said. "We have tea for it now."
"Yes, we do," I said, and I went to the book and mixed up some tea. There's my mother's mother's book of medicines, which is old and worn but readable, although I'm considering copying it into a newer book so we can pass it on, and then there's my mama's book. It's got everything written in it she knew and everything she learned, every mix she invented. She was brilliant.
Maybe someday I'll have my own book! I'll figure out my own mixes and herbs and techniques and write them all down myself, and then I'll have a book all my own with my own work in it I can pass on to my daughter.
I assume I can pass my work as midwife to my daughter. I like to imagine I'll have two daughters, or more, so one of them will surely want to do this work. Like Nepeta and I-I want to do this work I do, and she doesn't. One of my daughters will.
One of my daughters will probably have to take on the political responsibilities I will be adopting soon, but that doesn't mean all of them have to. Maybe one of my sons will shoulder the political burden? He certainly won't be the midwife.
1 December 1639
Advent starts soon! We still use the same candles my mama did, and they're lovely when they burn with their quiet little flames. I'm looking forward to it!
3 December 1639
First Sunday of Advent today, hope. I think there's always hope. No matter how hard things are, no matter how alone I might feel, I know that there is always hope. When mama died, I thought I might die from sadness, but I was alright. I know that I'll manage.
Kitty said at dinner that she also forever believed in hope, because every time things were hard or painful, it's been awful and then it's gotten better, slowly but surely. And we'll always have each other, and when we have each other, we can do anything. When I have Kitty with me, anything could be possible.
I love her. I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. She's my little sister! I could never be less close to her than I am now. When I'm married, we'll write as often as possible, and I'll visit at least once a week. I love her.
7 December 1639
Kurloz was by today for lunch. I asked him how he always manages to come by when I'm home, and he said he does come by when I'm not home, but he doesn't stay. He'll just come back another day. I'm usually home for lunch anyways, so I can't imagine he comes by when I'm not too often. And I do see him every few days.
I'm glad I have the people I have in my life. They're all so important to me.
10 December 1639
Second Sunday of Advent today, for joy. I have so much to be joyful about! I have my sister and she's doing well, and I'm engaged to the man I love, and I have a whole exciting future ahead of me. There is so much to love!
I asked Nepeta today how she would feel if I left to marry before she was eighteen.
"It's fine, Meulin. I'm fine. I'm not a child."
"I don't think you are, Kitty."
"You still call me Kitty."
"Yes, because it's my nickname for you. I love you, and I always will."
"Well, I would be fine if you got married," she said. "Do you want to?"
I nodded.
"You should. It'll make you happy. And you can have babies and I can be an aunt!" She smiled and poked me. "I want a niece."
"I want a daughter. And…it would make me happy," I admitted.
"Not now, though," she said.
"No, not now," I agreed. "No, there's plenty of time. And I couldn't until you were seventeen, at the very least. I'm not leaving before you're ready for me to leave, Kitty."
"Alright, Linny," she said.
It's going to be fine. Kurloz will wheedle some more time out of his father, and Kitty will turn seventeen in August, and we'll marry, and it will be wonderful.
14 December 1639
Kurloz was over today and so I told him I could marry him once Nepeta is seventeen, so in August.
"That's still months too late."
"It's the best I can do, Kurloz. She's my sister. Have you talked to your father?"
"I've been trying," he said, and he sounded exhausted. "I really have been. But he's out of his mind about this, telling me I need to have an heir right damn now."
"My goodness, we're going to have children soon."
"Yes," he said with a hint of a smile. "I hope it's a son."
I can't quite explain why, but I didn't want to tell him I hope we have a daughter. I suppose I didn't want to let him down when he has so much pressure on him. With any luck it won't turn out like Henry VIII, but we do need to have a son, and it must be weighing heavy on his mind. So I thought it best not to mention that more than anything, I want to have a daughter. Why worry him more than he is?
"Yes," I said. "A little boy."
"What do you think we'll name him?"
"Oh, I don't know," I said. "I like Peter. Or Thomas."
"How does Luke sound?"
"Oh, no," I said.
"Why not?" he asked, sounding hurt.
"I'm sorry-I didn't mean to be rude. Luke was the name of my mother's first child, and he died when he was fourteen months old. I…I have the sense it would be bad luck."
"That's just superstition," he said. "I'm sure it would be fine."
"I suppose," I said. "Do you have any other ideas?" He is right, it's just superstition, but I still wouldn't want to name my son Luke.
"I like the name William," he said idly. "It's quite nice."
"It is," I agreed. "What about for a daughter?"
"Oh, I don't know," he said. "I've never thought about it much. Do you think we'll have daughters?"
"We might," I said. "You never know! These things can be a bit random, as I understand it. I do hope we can have more than one child, so hopefully we would have some of each."
"Hm," he said. "Well, for a daughter…I like Victoria."
"I like the name Cecily," I said. I always have liked that name.
He shrugged. "Yes, that's alright. Or how's Dorothy?"
"Oh, that's a nice name," I said. "Oh, this is all a lot right now! We're not even married."
"Not yet," he said, and he leaned forward to kiss me.
Most days when he comes over, we kiss like mad. It's such a wonderful feeling. And he'll touch my chest, and it just feels so nice. I know that's something we're not to do until we're married, but we shouldn't be kissing like this either, and it feels so good I can't bring myself to even want to stop.
Thinking of that, and since this is my private journal, when we were kissing today he was lying on top of me and I had my hands in his hair and I could…to put it delicately, I could feel that he wanted more. I want him, too, I think (I think this is what it feels like to want someone), but not until we're married. That's something we haven't talked about, but I'm sure he understands. He's so understanding about these things.
I suppose we'll have to talk about it sometime. Well, when we marry, certainly on our wedding night we will!
17 December 1639
Third Sunday today, for peace. We lit the third candle, the pink one, and watched it burn down as we ate supper. My mama always liked Advent, and we had fun with it when we were young. She lit the candles and we talked about what Sunday it was and how many days were left until Christmas.
We're the only family I know who do presents on Christmas instead of Boxing Day, but that's how we've done it since we left our birth parents, so that's how we do it now.
I suppose it's Boxing Day with the old duke. I've no idea what Christmas traditions are expected of me in such a political world! I should ask Kurloz about that. I wonder what his Christmases have been like! It must have been such a sight as a child, the place all decorated for Christmas. I can just imagine it! I hope my children will love it.
21 December 1639
I asked Kurloz about his Christmas traditions today, what he's always done and what's expected of him and what he loves to do.
"Oh, there's a ceremony and a mass and such. That's quite dull. But the castle when it's all done up is just gorgeous. And the supper is always delicious. The cook outdoes himself every year."
"Sounds lovely."
"And you?"
"Well, the only thing we do differently is that we always do presents on Christmas day. I don't know why; that's just always how we've done it. I mean, since Nepeta and I have lived with our mama. I don't think we did anything with my birth parents. Maybe starved a little less." I can't help being bitter with them, sometimes. They almost killed Kitty and me.
"That's an odd one," he said. "Christmas day presents. Hm!"
"Yes, it is a bit," I agreed. "Ah well. So be it!"
He nodded and smiled. "Well, I know you don't like presents, but do you mind if I find you something for Christmas?"
I almost didn't want him to, but he looked so eager and sweet, and sounded so desperate, that I said, "Alright. Nothing-"
"Nothing ostentatious, I know," he said. "Don't worry."
"I'll find you something," I said.
"You don't have to."
"You don't have to get anything for me, and you are anyways."
He smiled and rolled his eyes. "You're silly."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
I don't know what I'll buy for him. He has everything he could ever need up in that castle! I can't exactly knit him a hat. And while that Bible was an inspiration, I'm not sure I can replicate it. I want to-he deserves it-but I'm not sure how.
I have no idea what I'll get Kitty, either. She loved the bow and arrows, which sapped a fair bit of my savings, and I'm not sure I can top that, either.
24 December 1639
It's the last Sunday of Advent for love, and also Christmas Eve! My sister is asleep right now, and Button is sitting on my lap and asking, in her own little way, that I get into bed so she can cuddle with me while I sleep.
She's got sharp little claws, our cat. It's probably time I go to bed. My heart is so full of love these days I can't imagine it any other way!
25 December 1639
We had Christmas today, Kitty and me. I found her a lovely mug in the market for her tea, and she gave me a new romance novel. I blushed at the gift, but it was so sweet and kind of her. I'm going to read it tonight before I go to bed, I think. It should only take one candle to read by, so it won't be too expensive.
The supper was delicious, too. Kitty and I can cook as well as our mama could by now. We made all the foods we used to make and it was all just delicious. I love the way my mama make Yorkshire pudding. It's not quite like it's supposed to be, but it's so much better that I don't mind it one bit. It's like my mama's medicines-sometimes you have to try something new and it will be even better! She invented the mix we use for nightmares herself.
It was a lovely Christmas. It might be my last one at home, and that's…quite the strange thought. But I'll visit Kitty around this time every year, once I'm married and off leading that life. Of course I will! She's family.
29 December 1639
Horuss came by today, and I still don't feel great about not being his friend anymore, but he ran to my door and he was breathing hard and frantic, and he panted out, "My father…he needs…help. Please."
"What's wrong?"
"His chest…congested. I need you…to come fix him."
I nodded and said, "You go and tell him I'm coming. I'll meet you there with my supplies."
I gathered up all my herbs, for helping to ease someone's tight chest, and ran over behind Horuss as fast as I could. Once I was there, I saw Mr. Zahhak breathing hard, wheezing terribly. "Horuss, put a pot of water in the fire. We need steam. Can you hear me, Mr. Zahhak?"
He nodded.
"Can you speak?"
"Hardly," he managed.
"Alright, then, don't talk. Nod yes or no for me: can you breathe?"
He shrugged.
"Alright, fair enough. I'm going to give you some herbs. They won't taste very good, and I'm sorry, but they should start to ease up the congestion and help open up your lungs. Please try not to gag."
He nodded, and I tipped the mixture I'd made down his throat, and we managed to get some steam in him, and slowly the wheeze went away and he could sit up again.
"I'm going to tell you to take some herbs regularly, Mr. Zahhak," I said. "Because you do not seem to be in very good health, frankly, and I hope to keep something like this from happening again. I'm sure you know the names-these are all things you can purchase from the apothecary in town."
"Thank you, Miss Leijon," he said.
"Of course," I said. "Have a happy New Year's."
"You too," he said.
As I was going to leave, Horuss stopped me. "Meulin, what is happening?"
"What do you mean?"
"You have been refusing to speak with me or even see me. I have been worried."
"I can't be friends with you when you clearly like me. I'm engaged."
"Meulin, I don't-"
"Please don't try. You're not a very good liar. I appreciate everything you've done for Nepeta and me, but I can't be your friend if things are going to be like this between us. Good night."
He looked quite stricken, but simply said, "Goodnight."
I am glad to have helped Mr. Zahhak, but I can't be around Horuss if it's going to be like this between us. He isn't a very good liar, and I can see right through him. I don't even want him to try to lie to me, because I still care about him and I just…I just don't want him to lie to me. I don't want him to even try.